We are flying today. It will be the first time in a long while for The Boy – a couple of years, at least. He actually really enjoys flying, and has been begging me to fly on our frequent trips … Continue reading
Flying with Autism
Category Archives: Single Momdom
Holy Crap, this LDR thing is Hard!
If you didn’t know, “LDR” stands for long distance relationship, and if you have ever been in one, you know. The Man and I are lucky in that we have the ability to see each other every six weeks or … Continue reading
Strong Women
I recently wrote a post about my aunt who has been a special needs mom for almost 50 years. My great-aunt, who is around the same age, and from the same side of the family, is another example from the long line of strong women whom I am proud to call my family. If you google her name, the first site to come up is a recent article about seniors and social media. At 87, she is connected, and using the internet to stay in touch with family. She is also a (retired) child psychologist, and still does evaluations for the local school district. In her spare time, she is on several committees in her retirement community, runs the library there, does water aerobics, cardiac fitness, zumba, and walks three miles three times a week.
Are you freaking kidding me? I can only in my wildest dreams hope to be like her when I am 87!
She and I connected because we both had an interest in genealogy, and since she is technically one of my forebears, we had even more to share. She actually wrote a family history of her parents and siblings, which I found invaluable, as my grandparents (her sister and brother-in-law) both passed away before I was really at an age to revel in their stories. It also gave some back-story to the tales I heard my father tell as I was growing up about when he was a kid, and they would drive two states away to visit “the farm” and the huge family that would descend on this mythical place. Did I mention her family story is being published?
When my uncle told me how proud he was of me, for living my life the way I have and raising my son the way I have, I didn’t know what to say. I look at these ladies, my mom, my aunt, my great-aunt, and realize that, thanks to them, I don’t know any other way to be.
Funk
Without realizing it, I have slipped into a funk. I love to cook, and haven’t had the energy, I’ve been sleeping more, and still feeling exhausted, I’ve been letting the housework go (and go, and go), and I haven’t as … Continue reading
The Ex and his Control Issues
At least, that’s one theory about what’s going on (or not going on, as the case may be).
I texted the ex: “We need to talk about Christmas so that we are on the same page”. He responded, “Sounds good. I will call Friday night around 7 if that’s ok”. I replied, “We’re going to the movies for Fun Friday… How about 8?” His response, “That will work. Talk to ya then.”
Sounds like a pretty cordial conversation, right? The most cordial we’ve had all year, in fact. The outcome? No call around 8pm. In fact, he didn’t call until over an hour later, and I didn’t answer. I was already on the phone, and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have responded. Am I playing games? No. I am showing him that my time is valuable, and when we make an agreement, he needs to stick to it. Just like if I let him swear at me, and continue talking to him, that communicates to him that it’s OK to swear at me. If I answer the phone when he calls an hour late, that communicates to him that it’s just fine for him to do that, and it’s not. I’m not trying to control his behavior, but I am trying to get him to be respectful in his dealings with me.
He left a voicemail saying, “Sorry for not calling right at 8, I got busy. I’ll try giving you another call tomorrow.”
He never called back. We’ll keep trying, I suppose.
The Man
The Man is a special guy, and he’s mine, all mine. Here’s why I’m lucky. The Man is kind. He will help out the bartenders at his favorite restaurant when they are understaffed. He pulled over once, after we witnessed … Continue reading
Halloween: One Holiday When I Enjoy Being a Single Mom
As a single mom, holidays are either awesome, or just bearable. My first Christmas without The Boy was a nightmare. I cried. A lot. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, so I drove 14 hours straight to … Continue reading
Grief, Beauty, & Inspiration
Grief (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My uncle died last week. He was 80, but it still came as a shock to everyone. I was not very close to him, but I was sad for my aunt, and for my cousin who has Down’s Syndrome. They would feel this loss most acutely.
I had decided to have The Boy attend school as usual, as he didn’t really know this uncle of mine, and missing school is a catastrophe. Better that I go with my parents, and arrange for Fantastic Babysitter to pick him up from kids club so that we wouldn’t have to worry about making it back in time. Mom and I sat in the family section off to the side, while Dad sat with his sister, who wanted and needed him by her side. I had a clear view of her and my cousin, and as the funeral went on, I witnessed her grief ebb and flow, and then I watched as my cousin just lost it. I’m not sure if this was the first time it really hit him how final this was, but he was inconsolable. And I watched my aunt abandon her own grief, with eyes only for her son. At one point, she switched spots with another son so that she could sit next to him, and hold him. He was instantly better, and the two of them were able to share their grief and their comfort in each other. It was sad, and yet beautiful.
My aunt has been a special needs parent for almost 50 years, and I realized that day what an inspiration she has been for me, since I have taken on that role. My dad’s brother turned to me at the end of the funeral and told me how proud he was of me, and how strong I was to raise my son on my own. All I could say was “Thank you,” and look to my mom, and my aunt. We Tough Cookies are not just born that way. We are inspired.
Crisis Averted: How I Turned a Crisis into a Game
We decided to go to the grocery store at 12:30. “That’s 23 minutes, from now, OK?” I remind The Boy. A few minutes later, I get up to make the grocery list, and I hear the beginnings of a meltdown. I hear the frustration in his voice, and the elevated volume saying, “I can’t FIND it!” It turned out to be a sock, a very particular grey and blue sock, for which he could not find the mate. He had actually looked in the laundry basket of socks first, which is huge. Usually, he will visually scan a room and if it doesn’t jump up and say, “HERE I am!!” it is lost. Forever. Somebody took it. So we looked all over his room. We looked in the clean clothes basket. We looked in the basement. I told him it would turn up sooner or later, and sat down because it was obvious we would not be going to the store today. I was making a mental inventory of our groceries and trying to determine how not getting groceries today would affect our Monday… The Boy began to get very angry and started throwing things. After he tossed a blanket across the room (thankfully only a blanket), I walked over to him on the couch, and said “STOP IT.”
From here it could have gone two ways: I could have started shouting, making things worse, or I could have gone the other route to try to get him to calm down. Today (because I don’t always make the right choice), I made a split-second decision to get him to calm down. I got him down on the couch, and lay down on top of him, using my body weight to give him some sensory input. He was still yelling about not going to school tomorrow, me calling the police on him, him calling the police on me, and ended with, “Get off of me or I’m going to be bleeding!” But he was calmer. We sat up, and I pulled him into my lap. We talked about better ways to communicate his frustration, and I laid out the options for him: We could clean up his room together, and if we didn’t find it, I would buy him a new pair, or we could hope it turned up, and choose a different pair. He chose to clean up his room, and look in the basement again, which we did.
As we cleaned up his room, we threw every sock we found on his bed. When we were finished tidying up, I said, “OK, Now we’re going to play a game. We will each make as many sock matches as we can, and whoever has the most will get a candy bar when we go grocery shopping today.” We sorted socks, I taught him how to fold pairs together, and we each snatched socks from the pile. In the space of about 20 minutes, we had gone from potential meltdown to smiles and laughter as we played a game together. And he lost, and it was OK. He found a different pair of socks to wear (because we still didn’t find that darn sock that started all this), and it was OK.
If it had been 7am on a school day, when these types of things usually occur, I’m not sure I would have made the better choice. But I did today, and we are both better off for it.
Moving
Remember when I said I had a couple of big things to share with you?
Well, one of them is that we are moving house in June. It may not sound like that big of a deal – people move all the time, right? The Boy and I will be moving 900 miles away, which means new house, new state, new everything. And if you know anything about kids with autism, you know what a big deal this will be.
It also means a new job, and most likely a new career for me. After (wait, I have to count…) 16 and a half years of teaching in the public schools, I will be done. And that is also a big deal.
As you can imagine, there are so many emotions that we are both feeling… And this is why I am sharing this now. It will be a process, and more and more, when I am brainstorming my blog posts, I find it harder and harder to not include this huge piece of what’s in store for us.
These are my answers to the most common questions I hear:
Why are you moving?
We’re moving because life is too short to be miserable doing what you are doing, and life is also too short to be living far away from the people you love.
Won’t it be hard on The Boy?
Yes, it will. He has a great school here, and great people that love him, but change isn’t necessarily bad. He is leaving elementary school, anyway, and the good thing is that he will have two adults in his household now, as well as grandparents that are 10 minutes away, instead of 14 hours away.
What will you do for a living?
I’m not sure. I have a lot of experience and education that are applicable to other fields. I may teach community college, I can tutor and teach private lessons. The Man and I would also like to open our own business or start our own nonprofit (or both). We have lots of options.
Isn’t that kind of irresponsible? Leaving a good job with benefits and not having anything lined up?
Probably, but I’m not stupid. I’m a smart cookie and have done my research. I’m getting my ducks in a row, paying down debt and saving everything I can. We will not have a mortgage payment or rent, so we will have a roof over our heads. In my book, wasting your life living for the weekends is the irresponsible thing to do.
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Moving Truck Ramp – (Photo credit: revger)
So, it is with mixed emotions that I share this news. I grew up here, have great friends and colleagues here, and have watched my boy thrive here. But I am also very excited for what challenges the future holds, and excited to be somewhere where we both have daily support from the people we love.
I’ll keep you posted 🙂
Simple. I Just Do. 