I’m Always Learning About My Own Boy

Posted on February 26, 2015 by simpleijustdo

At the end of each day, I head to Grammy’s to pick up The Boy. This is usually a bit of a process involving agreeing on a number of minutes needed before getting ready to go, setting the timer, and then the addition of a couple of extra minutes, because the amount of time that has passed could not possibly be the amount of time we had agreed upon… When all is said and done, we’re usually on our way in about a half hour, and it takes about 15 minutes to get home.

During this time, I ask about his day, and if I’m lucky, I’ll get some little snippets of information. We joke and act silly, and generally try to make each other laugh. Part of the reason The Boy is so relaxed is because he doesn’t have to worry about eye contact, I think. Regardless, it’s the one time in the day where we have the most connection.

One of The Boy’s obsessions since the beginning of the school year (and the entrance of the new, nicer band director) has been articulating incorrectly on his tuba, and being obnoxiously silly about noises that are not desirable in the band room. As a former band director, it drives me insane, but I’m doing my best to be patient while we ride this particular obsession out. When we take this time to be silly together in the car, inevitably, the silliness involves these noises that he thinks are hilarious. During of all of this hilarity today, he was pretending to be the band director, and asked me to “play” a C. I sang a note (that I thought might be a C), and he very seriously said, “No. That’s not a C.” It reminded me of when he would use that tone to tell me not to sing (along with the radio), when he was a toddler. “Don’t sing, Mom.”

I have a pretty good sense of relative pitch, after almost 20 years doing the band gig. I was fairly certain that I was at least close to a C when I sang. Then I remembered I have a tuning app on my phone. I pulled it out, and sure enough, I was wrong. Then I turned it around on him – if he knew it was wrong, could he sing a pitch if I asked him? “Sing an Eb,” I told him. He did, in his puberty-addled voice, and I put the phone to my ear and checked… It was right. “G,” I told him, and he did it. I tested him several times, and he was able to pick these notes right out of the air! “Why are you looking at me like that?” he finally asked. “Because you are blowing my mind!” I said.

When we got home, we sat down to the piano and repeated the process. As a result, I am fairly certain The Boy has perfect pitch, which is an extremely rare auditory skill. I had always known he had a great sense of music, and a damn-good sense of relative pitch. I even wondered at a few points over the years if it was something more, but never until today have I been this close to certain.

It may amount to nothing. It may not be something of which he ever wants to take advantage. But if he does, I want to nurture it if I can, even more than I have his general music ability. I’m amazed at the depth of The Boy’s talents, and I’m amazed at how much I am still learning about him. He’s simply amazing.

How Do You Know?

Posted on February 25, 2015 by simpleijustdo

I saw a tshirt advertised on facebook the other day that read in big block letters, “I AM A MOM OF A CHILD WITH AUTISM,” and I thought, “Hm. Don’t need that!” And then I thought about how quickly I assumed others know that about me, about us, about The Boy.

The Boy doesn’t flap much, doesn’t stim much when we’re out and about. He saves it primarily for when he takes long walks outside, back and forth either in front of our house, or in front of Grammy’s. Sometimes, he does it in his room, or from the kitchen to his room. His stimming looks like an uncoordinated gallop with a sound like a voice-cracking “giggle” that could attract some stares from the un-initiated. But I can’t recall seeing him do this at the grocery store or at a restaurant, where others may have cause to stare.

I’ll tell you when they do know. They know about 2 seconds after they ask him a direct question. They know when he bumps into them and keeps right on walking. They know when he walks directly between two people that are together.

Every once in awhile, we come across some old, uppity lady who takes affront, but in general people don’t do much more than notice and go about their own lives. So no, I don’t need a T-shirt. Whatever people may assume, or learn after a brief encounter with us – it doesn’t much matter to me. As long as they are tolerant and kind, the rest doesn’t matter. The tolerance and kindness will not be created by a T-shirt, but through hard work, writing, speaking, spreading the word, creating as many programs for NT kids about acceptance as there are for spectrum kids about how to fit in, volunteering, and sharing, sharing, sharing… That begins with us. Ready?

Book Club Discussion: The Reason I Jump, “Never-Ending Summer” Part I

Posted on February 24, 2015 by simpleijustdo

It’s been quite a while, but I’m continuing the discussion here today because The Reason I Jump is an important book. Naoki Hagashida, at age 13, answered questions about autism from his viewpoint, and while his experiences are not the same as probably anyone else’s on the spectrum, his thoughts provide insight, and provoke thought, neither of which can be bad for those of us who desperately want a glimpse into the minds of our children.

When asked (Q25) Why he jumps (or stims), Naoki says that those on the spectrum “react physically” to emotions, and that their bodies at that point do not allow them to move as they wish. Jumping allows him to shake “loose the ropes that are tying up my body.” This is an interesting perspective and while it goes along with the accepted understanding that stimming “feels good,” it adds a piece that wasn’t there before – it feels good because it is an attempt to free oneself from a body that doesn’t react exactly the way one wants it to.

Question 27 asks Naoki why he covers his ears. He explains that it isn’t the volume, but rather that the multiple noises become disorienting and scary. Covering his ears restores his sense of where he is, and allows him some control over his surroundings. I think we often forget what a struggle it is for many of our kiddos on the spectrum to process sensory information that has absolutely no effect on us neurotypicals. Add that to my list of basics I tend to forget!

In his answer to Question 28, Naoki reaffirms that many on the spectrum have no sense of where their limbs begin and end, and that results in awkward movements and the inability to know when he’s even stepped on another person’s foot. This is why I think The Boy loves water as much as he does, because it provides that constant sensory input to let him know where he begins and ends.

Question 31 deals with eating and why some on the spectrum are “picky.” Naoki says he doesn’t really have this issue, but understands that for those that do, “only those foodstuffs they can already think of as food have any taste.” Everything else, i.e. new foods, are received as play-food that doesn’t sound too tasty. He hypothesizes that it may just take more time for them to “appreciate” the taste of unfamiliar foods. This explains a lot. Often, if I can draw a connection from one food that The Boy likes to eat to another unfamiliar food, he is more willing to try it, and this explanation is a pretty good one, I think.

There are a few more questions in this section that I will tackle next. This is one of those books that is great to read, and re-read again and again, as you’ll pick up something new each time, I think.

The Man, The Teacher

Posted on February 19, 2015 by simpleijustdo

Can I just start this post off by saying I know how incredibly lucky The Boy and I are? I know there’s a lot of single mamas out there with kiddos with special needs, and I know that loneliness, and that feeling of hopelessness that you may never find someone to share your joys and burdens. I write this post in gratitude that life, circumstance, karma, or whatever or whoever you may think had a hand in it, helped us get to be this blended family of three.

The Man is a natural teacher and kid magnet. Whenever we go to the beach, he picks out a couple of kids who show even the slightest interest in his surfboard, puts them on, gives them a few pointers and lets them fly. And after about 10 minutes, a whole beach-full of kids wants a turn. Our little neighbor often comes over to see if The Boy wants to play, and just as often ends up “helping” The Man with his projects around the house, wearing his tool belt, and learning how to use a power screwdriver, under the closest of supervision, of course.

He shows me how to do stuff all the time. I put windows into our trailer flip all by myself, you know, and I didn’t know how to do that before I met The Man.

He was the one to teach The Boy to ride his bike. He taught him how to pee while keeping his trousers up. He’s taught him how to surf and mow the lawn. The other night, The Man had brought home some m&ms for The Boy and had told him he could have them when he was done practicing the tuba. But when The Boy and I ended the practice session, I was frustrated. He is so freakin’ smart that he thinks it’s funny to play it incorrectly and doesn’t know when to stop joking around and get work done. This is something we’re working on, and this lesson just didn’t go right. I was tired of everything and decided to go to bed early. The Boy quickly grabbed the m&ms and headed to his room. In his mind, he was done practicing which meant he could have them, while The Man and I both agreed that you only get rewards when you do things the right way. I gave up and headed to bed, very aggravated and unwilling to fight anymore. The Man stepped in and I could hear him speaking to The Boy through the bedroom door. He came to bed and said he had explained that we needed to save the m&ms for when he actually got the work done on the tuba, and asked him to think about it, and also suggested that when he returned the m&ms to the fridge, he needed to come and tell me he had done so.

I was so impressed. The Man had calmly explained the reasoning and left it in The Boy’s hands to do the right thing.

Not five minutes had gone by when we heard a knock on the bedroom door. The Boy entered to tell me he had returned the m&ms, and I assured him he could earn them the next night by completing our work on the tuba. He wasn’t happy about it, but he wasn’t melting, either, and he had made the right choice, guided by The Man’s words.

This is something that would not have occurred if his dad had been around. This is something that would not have occurred if I was still doing it all on my own. This occurred because The Man is a good teacher, and a good parent. I am grateful.

Behavior Analysis for Dummies

Posted on February 18, 2015 by simpleijustdo

I opened yesterday’s post with a series of oft-asked questions of parents of kiddos on the spectrum, the biggest of which I suspect is “Why in the hell is he doing that?”

There’s a lot of guilt one feels as a parent to a kiddo on the spectrum. After the meltdown, or public incident, or whatever the negative behavior that just occurred was, we often think, “Was that my fault? Did I do something wrong that caused that?” While feelings of guilt are rarely productive (although feelings are feelings and we can’t control them, really), this questions is a good starting point for a little behavior analysis.

You see, most autism parents already do this naturally, but may not know it had a name.

When your kiddo starts to have a problem at school, the IEP team may suggest a functional behavior assessment. This is where someone (probably with a lot of credentials) will come in to observe your child over several days, and collect data about his/her schedule and routines, and more specifically, exactly what happens before the negative behavior occurs. The reason they do this is to figure out the “trigger” for the negative behavior, so that we can better understand what the child is attempting to communicate through the negative behavior, and then plan strategies to avoid or minimize the trigger so that the negative behavior decreases, or plan strategies for how the kiddo can cope with a trigger that cannot be reduced or avoided.

Let’s say I get a phone call that The Boy is repeatedly attempting to escape from science class (yep, this happened in real life). A functional behavior assessment would serve to identify if this is occurring at a consistent time, and what the cause might be – is it another child with lots of body spray sitting next to him? Is it the brightness or noise of the projector that is turned on next to his seat at the beginning of class each day? Does he have to pee? Does he have anxiety about being late to his next class? Does he feel like he is missing something important elsewhere in the building? Is he frustrated because he doesn’t understand the material? Is there too much handwriting so he is falling behind? Through observation, they can determine what the constant variable is whenever he escapes, and then come up with a plan (move the projector, move his seat, allow him to use a study buddy or word processor to take notes, have a talk with the teacher of his next class about being welcoming and not marking him late, or allow him to use the restroom when he needs to, rather than at passing time). Strategies often include the use of motivators and rewards, as well, to give your kiddo positive reinforcement to keep up the good work. For instance, if The Boy uses the strategy put in place, and stopped escaping from science, he could earn some extra iPad time in social skills class.

You see, we autism parents often do the same thing at home. It’s how I know to expect some hyperactivity after we have Goldfish, especially the multicolored kind – I discovered that through careful observation of my own. The triggers for negative behavior I mentioned yesterday came from careful observation of my own, as well.

So if you are ever ready to throw your hands up and scream “WHY??”, take a deep breath, grab a notebook, and start observing. You already do this fancy thing called Behavior Analysis, and no one knows your kid better than you. You are no “dummy”. It may take days, weeks, or months, but you’ll get to the bottom of it. You got this. 😉

6 Basics I Sometimes Forget from Autism 101

Posted on February 17, 2015 by simpleijustdo

One of the hardest parts of being an autism parent, especially in the beginning is deciphering your kid and his behavior. Why in the world is he doing that? What is he so angry about? Is this a tantrum or a meltdown? Why can’t I get him to (insert any activity here)?

As you grow as a unit, you begin to understand more about how your kid works. You get better at predicting behaviors, and identifying triggers (more on that in another post this week). Your skills and knowledge increase exponentially.

And yet, as I’ve written before, you will always have your moments of complete and utter dumbfoundedness (is that a word? If it wasn’t, it is now), and better yet, you forget sometimes about stuff I like to call “Autism 101”.

So what are the “Autism 101” basics I forget from time to time?

One of the biggest culprits for negative behaviors is a virus. I will get phone calls or emails from the school, out of the blue about work refusal from The Boy, or escaping from class, or any number of negative behaviors. My first instinct is still defensive, i.e. “What did you (the teacher or aide) do to trigger his behavior?”. And that is simply because he is a good kid, and doesn’t act out. He hates displeasing me or The Man or his grandparents, and when this behavior happens, there’s a reason. What I often forget is that a common reason has nothing to do with action and reaction, and everything to do with cold and flu. Viruses do a number on his system, and much like a computer, he starts acting very strangely indeed.
Another big culprit for negative behavior is (forgive me) an upcoming bowl movement. You see, The Boy had surgery as an infant, in which they removed part of his intestine, and moved some things around in there. As a result, well… let’s just say that if there was a super-duty (heh, heh… I said “doody”) wide-throated toilet, we’d have it. And much like the wonder of childbirth, I really don’t understand the physics of how something so big can come out of something so small. As a result, poops are not regular, nor are they fun. And I have found that sometimes they are preceded by some really wonky behavior.
He may say he’s not hungry, but give The Boy a snack because hungry turns into negative behavior. This is one instance where trying to respect your child’s independence, and listen to their voice and burgeoning self-advocacy does not work. If you don’t give him anything, he will become even more absorbed in what he is doing until his body forces him to react to the hunger, and it’s rarely in a good way.
The Boy is verbal, but still lacks language. The Boy loves words, finds words funny and punny, and is able to express and receive language. He is in a high-functioning autism pilot program, even though he would not have been classified as having Asperger’s Syndrome. He had language delays as a toddler – I had to teach him language with flashcards, and he went to speech therapy twice a week for a long time. He does really well now, but he still lacks language to express himself appropriately sometimes. There are situations where he cannot find words to say what he wants to say, so he leads me to the right guess. But sometimes I can’t guess, and I have to remember that even though he has high functioning language skills, they were hard-earned, and this is not natural for him.
Pictures, pictures, pictures, pictures, pictures. Sometimes I will ask myself, “Why is he not understanding this?” and I have a “Doh!” moment and think, “Maybe because you just told him about it, and didn’t use any pictures, dummy!” There’s a reason well-respected autism professionals talk about picture schedules until they are blue in the face – it’s because they work. Our kiddos are generally very visual learners, and if something just isn’t sinking in, a video or picture will usually do the trick.
Intrinsic Motivation just isn’t it. Rewards and motivators are king. And I’ll be honest – I don’t forget this one (as sometimes The Boy’s teachers at school seem to), but I do forget to have a ready supply of rewards and motivators in my bag of tricks. When I don’t have something at the ready, I sometimes resort to taking away privileges, which doesn’t work nearly as well. More on this in the upcoming behaviors and triggers post…

How is it possible to forget this basic stuff that one should know after 13 years of experience? Because there are peaks and valleys to child development, and even bigger peaks and valleys in the development of a young person on the spectrum (in my personal experience). There’s a lot of backtracking, having to recoup skills that were considered mastered, and as they grow more independent, you forget they are still kids, still learning.

There is no mastering of parenting, I’m convinced. It’s Murphy’s Law – once you think you know everything, you will be quickly shown that you do not.

EC Planner: editorial calendar

Posted on February 12, 2015 by simpleijustdo

Recently I sat down to figure out how I could back in the swing of things here at Simple. I Just Do. I re-read some resources I had, and began planning (my favorite thing!), and realized I needed a space for an editorial calendar. Then I realized I already had the perfect space, and it was under-utilized – the month-at-a-glance portion of my EC planner!

I had seen posts of others using the daily portion, but it didn’t really work for me. So I sat down, did some brainstorming, analyzed some analytics, and came up with a whole slew of post topics, and even made up a little code for types of post. I broke out the post-it notes (my second favorite thing!) and began “scheduling” these posts, making sure to plan a variety of types of posts, as well as topics. Whatever posts that were not scheduled were put off to the side for revision and use in the future. And if I get an idea for a post, now I just jot it on one of these small post-its, stick it in there, and it’ll be ready for next month’s planning session. They are also really easy to move around – I had a different post planned for today, but it wasn’t ready, so I moved this one up a few weeks. Easy peasy.

I’m also able to schedule my social media posts and interaction, linky parties, etc.

It may not be the most beautiful or elegant thing ever, but for me, the most important thing is it WORKS! And I can make it beautiful later, when I get some time (yeah, right). This is not an earth-shattering idea, but it’s always good to take a moment to reflect on what has worked in the past, think about what resources you have, and try to marry the two. No sense in re-creating the wheel when you don’t have to. In fact that’s something good to do in just about every area of your life. Sounds like a topic for another blog post… now where are my post-its?

Making Money on Autism

Posted on February 11, 2015 by simpleijustdo

There are lots of autism bloggers, and lots of single moms with kiddos on the spectrum. Lots of us have learned so much from experience, and lots of us want to share that because we know how hard it can be. And there a few of us who have the ability to make a few bucks doing this.

Way back when I started this blog, one of the things that inspired me was the inability to find existing social stories online that weren’t for sale. I was tired of being nickel-and-dimed for every little resource I needed for The Boy. Others had experienced just what we were going through, and someone had to have a social story already written, so that I wouldn’t have to re-create the wheel every time, but they were all for sale. And money is hard to come by when your paying for uninsured therapies, prescriptions, diapers or your 5 year old… It’s tough.

I have long considered trying to take this blog to the next level, and maybe “go pro” which means trying to attract companies to advertise here. Most bloggers do this, and I don’t see it as trying to make money off of other autism or special needs parents. Advertising is everywhere, and I don’t think anyone would see this as a blogger trying to take advantage of her audience.

There are other bloggers that sell stuff on their sites, as well. And I think we have to be very careful when we head in that direction. T-shirts are one thing. Resources are another. Trust me – I understand the sentiment behind it – when you work hard to create something, you have a tendency to want to protect it, and while you want to share it with the world, you feel you deserve something in return. I get it. But we cannot forget that person on the other end, spending money on therapy, weighted blankets, chewies, and special gluten-free ingredients. Our community needs to remain one in which we share resources at little cost, and respect each other’s struggles. If we forget that, we’ve lost our way.

5 Ways to Support the Newly Diagnosed

Posted on February 10, 2015 by simpleijustdo

I often think back to the day we got The Boy’s diagnosis. The ex and I went our separate ways – he went back to work, and I drove to a nearby Kmart parking lot to process (i.e. cry my eyes out, hyperventilate, ask myself over and over “What are we going to do?” and eventually call a close friend to talk me through it. Thank God for her.) The psychologist we had seen had written “Autism Society of America” on the back of a business card, suggested we look them up, and said goodbye.

Once I collected myself, I still didn’t know what I needed, or what our next steps were. As I think most do, I went to the internet. Unfortunately, the internet is a big place, and I’m not sure the right tools and support are readily accessible to someone doing their first post-diagnosis search.

So how can we support parents who are new to this whole kit and caboodle?

1. Support local nonprofits that directly help our kiddos. The more those groups are supported, the more visible they can be in the community, and the more likely it will be that someone hearing that diagnosis for the first time will recognize the group as a resource they can use. This means supporting them with money, with attendance at events and workshops, and with your volunteer hours. Yes, volunteer hours. It may seem like we have the perfect excuse not to volunteer, but we have to give back if only to our own community – if we don’t, who will?

2. Make your presence known at the school. Kids with a new diagnosis will have parents with questions. They will most likely be asking those questions at the school. If you have maintained a good relationship with staff while dealing with the school, they may just see you as a resource for parents who are new to this whole shindig, and may pass your name along. Or if there is a group of you parents, even a social group, that goes for you, too. Schools really do want to help, and may attempt to connect someone with questions to those who may have answers (that’s you!).

3. Use social media to post “the good stuff” to your friends, and encourage them to share it. Parents who have questions will inevitably be some of your friends, or friends of friends, and so on. The more “the good stuff” gets shared and posted, the more people will see it, the more it will be found by those searching for it. That’s how the interwebs works for good.

4. When they come to your group, be welcoming. You may think this goes without saying, but groups are a funny thing. Sometimes, a group can get an attitude with newbies, and can be judgmental. You don’t have to like everyone who comes to the group for help and support, but the fact remains they need help (and they may need more help than others!).

5. Respect the process. People react differently to the news of a diagnosis. Some will immediately seek out others for help, while others will remain private and need to sort through things on their own. Don’t be pushy. Allow them to come to terms with it, and just be a friend. Just knowing there are others who are going through what you are going through goes a long way, especially at the beginning.

Special needs parents have many, many roles. One of them should be “guide to others who have just joined the group.” What would you add to this list?

CHIP: It needs to be on your radar

Posted on February 5, 2015 by simpleijustdo

CHIP stands for Child Health Insurance Program and is a federal program administered by each state, and funded by both federal and state governments. Sometimes it goes by a different name, but essentially it is for children in families who don’t qualify for Medicaid, but still are low income enough to struggle paying for health insurance for their child. It came into existence before the ACA was passed, but it continues to exist because it is a widely popular program that provides a needed service to many, many families.

Through the ACA, the terms of CHIP eligibility were extended through 2019, but the funding was not. Funding expires for the current incarnation of CHIP through this September.

Here’s why it matters. If funding is not extended, many, many children will lose their healthcare. The Boy included.

The other night, I happened to click on an article on Facebook, that happened to include the information above, and left me upset and worried. Why hadn’t I heard anything about this? Shouldn’t this be national news? What the hell is going on?

I did a little more research, and found that it will most likely receive extended funding, but no one knows for how long. The problem is that some want it replaced with plans offered by the health exchanges. I can tell you that this would place healthcare on the other side of affordable for our family, because our state neither expanded medicaid, nor started their own exchange. As a result, there is one company providing healthcare plans in the my state (through the federal exchange), and therefore they can set whatever rates they want – there is no competition, which was the whole point of the ACA. The ACA is perverted here, and therefore, we are not being served the way we should be by this law.

There are many people who think families should have a choice between an ACA plan and CHIP, and there are others who think having CHIP and the ACA separate is just fine. Needless to say, there will probably be a great deal of debate on September 30th of this year.

I wonder if we will hear anything about it?

I wonder if it will be used as a bargaining chip (no pun intended) for something else?

I wonder, and I worry. CHIP gives me piece of mind about my son’s healthcare, and I would really prefer to have an educated public and a compassionate legislative body making decisions about its future.