Tag Archives: divorce

Judgement Not Welcome Here

Posted on by

0

512px-WGHardingRecently, I posted about a couple of my friends whose marriages have faltered.  Then I was notified about a couple of comments on the post, comments that were rather judgemental of my friends.  I know this person who commented may not realize how preachy her comments sounded, but they were unwarranted, and rather unwelcome.

Those of you who have gone through divorce can probably guess what they said, verbatim, because it’s just what a person in their situation does not need to hear.  The I-hope-you’ve-really-thought-about-this, and you-have-no-idea-how-this-is-going-to-impact-your-kids kind of crap that I heard, too.

First of all, there are enough single-parent households out there nowadays to prove that the world doesn’t end with a divorce.  Plenty of kids not only survive but thrive in a single-parent household.  This notion that a home without two parents is somehow “broken” is positively ludicrous, and needs to be sent packing, back to the Victorian age from whence it came.  My son has thrived since the ex left our home.  The idea that “staying in it for the kids” is better somehow, as if children aren’t negatively impacted by two parents who fight constantly, don’t ever speak to each other, do not show any sign of affection to each other, or contribute to an ever-present tension in the house is just plain wrong.

Second, I dare say that the great majority of people who decide on divorce did not make the decision lightly.  If you think that’s the case, you’ve been watching too much “reality” TV.  Divorce is a heart-rending, soul-breaking decision to make.  And there is enough hurt, guilt and anger in that decision already without having to also be judged by society at large.

Third, just like the old saying, “If you’ve met one kid with autism, you’ve met one kid with autism,” no two marriages are alike.  No one knows what goes on inside of a marriage except for the two people in it.  They may be over-sharers, but the outsiders are only getting one side of the story, and therefore no one really knows.  When I got divorced, my ex mother-in-law actually sent me a letter saying that they “never saw it coming.”  A perfect example, as the ex and I had both been miserable for the previous six years.  The two friends I wrote about?  I never claimed to know what caused either breakup, because I don’t know.  I even said that I didn’t think the autism, either father’s undiagnosed nor the son’s caused it, although dealing with autism in the household can strain any marriage.  My friend has never once said anything about it, and is not using it for “justification” of anything.

So why don’t we listen to the old advice, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it?”  Why do people insist on getting behind a keyboard to say things to people they would never say in real life?

Judging someone for their divorce is a big no-no in my book.  It makes one look small, and your unwanted “advice” only hurts.  I choose instead to support people whom I trust to make smart decisions and weigh all their options.  Being a parent to a child with autism has taught me that life is hard enough without having to worry about how others will judge you.  You lose nothing by supporting others in their personal struggles.

Another

Posted on by

2

512px-Broken_glassYet another friend of mine told me recently that she and her husband were separating.  And they have a son on the spectrum.  I don’t think it had a lot to do with their decision, but it may have been an elephant in the room because her husband is probably also on the spectrum but was never diagnosed.  They just told the kids this past weekend, and they are all still reeling.

And my best friend at work called a lawyer today to make an appointment to get the ball rolling on her divorce.

People in my circle are hurting, and I empathize.  They are in places I was in, what seems like a long time ago.  Ages ago.  Lifetimes ago.

Luckily I know what not to say.  I know what they do not want to hear.  And I hope they see me at the other end and take heart that the pain they are going through does not have to last forever.  They are both strong ladies, but even the strong have weak moments, and this is one of the hardest struggles they will ever live through.

My heart aches for them, but I also admire them for their strength to face what they are in for.  And I stand ready to catch them when they need to lean on someone.

Is it Time to Call a Spade a Spade?

Posted on by

0

I described the ex’s latest cancellation the other day, and The Boy’s reaction.  I am always the one who has to relay the news to The Boy, and I am the one left to field questions to which I have no answers.  I am the one to deal with the acting out that quite often happens after one of these cancellations.

The ex will never change, but does that mean I shouldn’t try to show him what he’s missing, and what he is doing to our son?

English: : A mirror, reflecting a vase. Españo...

Time to hold up a mirror so he can self-reflect?…

I’m thinking of sending him a text (he doesn’t even access his email, and I don’t want to get into it with him on the phone) to point out that he hasn’t seen his son in eight months, and to ask him to imagine not having his own dad around for that long a time period.  Explain that I understand money is tight, and that he has a hard time taking work off, but that if he saved a bit out of every paycheck, and told his boss months in advance (instead of days), he might be able to swing it.  Ask him to stop “trying” to make plans and only tell The Boy he will see him when he is sure he can.  Point out that his son is sad and angry at him, and that he deals with this by acting out, often at school.

He will undoubtedly get angry and not speak to The Boy for months after I send it, because that is his MO.  But I feel I have the right to ask someone who continually hurts my son to take a moment to realize he is doing it, and to please stop.

I know he won’t change, but there’s a chance he has simply not given a thought to the effect of his absence and broken promises on his son.  And if there’s a chance, it’s worth trying, right?

Get Used to Disappointment

Posted on by

1

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies (the Princess Bride, which I have seen probably a kajillion times).  Not one of my favorite things my son has to go through.

Broken Reflection

Broken Reflection, Valerie Reneé

Because the ex couldn’t manage to see his son for Thanksgiving, I offered (at Grammy’s urging) to give him the week between Christmas and New Years for visitation.  I suggested he or they come down to the beach for a few days, even rent a house real cheap to see The Boy.

I hadn’t heard anything more about it (although Grammy had overheard the phrase “meet you somewhere” in a phone call between The Boy and the ex), so I texted him last night to see what was up.

I expected him to hem and haw a bit more, but he said straight out he couldn’t get any time off, and couldn’t do it.  Sorry.

I expect this every time, and yet every time I cannot fathom why.  I don’t know anyone (besides the ex) who is or would be completely comfortable not seeing his or her own child for eight months or longer, nor speak to him for a month or more at a time.  I cannot understand his excuses, knowing how much I would do to ensure I would see my child.

But he is not me.

The Boy seemed a bit upset and irritated when I broke the news this evening.  “Why?” he asked.

“Because he can’t get time off from work,” I said.

“Why can’t he get time off from work?”

I paused.  Good question, kiddo.  “You can ask him,” I suggested.  “Want me to text him and have him call you?”

“I’ll think about it,” he said.

He’s getting as tired of this game as I am.

The Next Thing

Posted on by

0

Lithograph, Home To Thanksgiving, published by...

Home To Thanksgiving, Currier and Ives

The ex has bagged out on Thanksgiving with The Boy, unless I consented to have his parents pick The Boy up the weekend before Thanksgiving, and have him miss three days of school.  My response to that was, “That’s not a good idea,” and so, no visitation until who knows when.

The common sense thing for the ex to do, now that we live even further apart, would be to save up a little  money so he could come down for a weekend, stay at a hotel and see his son.  But that will never happen.  He doesn’t save money, and when he does, he spends it on himself.  He probably resents The Boy for the child support coming out of his check, and reasons that that’s enough money to be spending on him, and he shouldn’t have to spend any more just to see him.

If you’re keeping track, The Boy hasn’t seen his dad since April, and the phone calls have become less and less frequent.  They are about once a month, now.  He was excited about going to see his dad’s kitties for Thanksgiving, and even though I tell him every time it comes up not to get his hopes up, and that it might not happen, he still talks about it as if it is a certainty.

Yesterday, I purposely brought it up because we need to get him from this place of certainty that it will happen to a place of certainty that it won’t happen with as little stress, trauma, and disappointment as possible, not an easy feat.  I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to stick around here for Thanksgiving, and celebrate with me and our family?”

“What?!”

I repeated myself.

“Well, I still might go to my dad’s,” he said.

“And you might not,” I said.

“We’ll see,” he said, and then, “Let’s find out for sure.”

I told him I would ask his dad, knowing full well that I wouldn’t because I already know it won’t happen.  So now it is my unhappy job to figure out when to break the news, and possibly come up with some distraction to soften the blow.

This is one of the most unfair parts of the job.  I know no one ever said life would be fair, but this right here?  This sucks.

This Close

Posted on by

6

Icon-type silhouette of an airplane. (Mainly t...I am THIS CLOSE to telling the ex to stop even trying to bother.  Over the past couple of months, he has cancelled his August visitation (which has happened three out of the past four years, probably even longer), and then immediately promised The Boy he would see him for Thanksgiving.  His “plan” was to have his mom fly down, fly back with The Boy, and then he himself would fly down again with him to drop him off, and fly back.  He claimed his mom offered to pay for her tickets, and he (the ex) would pay for his own and for The Boy’s.  Did you count how many tickets that was?

I knew before the words were even out of his mouth that it wouldn’t happen, but per usual, just nodded my head, and said, “Sure.”  And The Boy has continued talking about seeing his dad’s kitties in November (the only part of his trips he is verbally concerned with).  And every time, I remind him that it might not happen, and I-don’t-want-you-to-get-too-disappointed-if-it-doesn’t-happen…  “I know, Mom,” he says.

And he does.

The text came tonight, saying he couldn’t afford the airfare, but that his girlfriend has a cousin in our state who will be alone for Thanksgiving, so they might…

JUST STOP.

That plan won’t happen either, because you will ask me to drive four hours, one way, to the middle of nowhere the night before Thanksgiving to make this work for you, and when I won’t, it will be my fault again that you will have missed another opportunity to spend time with your son.

I’m over it.

He’s over it.

It’s so much energy on everyone’s part, and the only thing created is headache and disappointment.  I am THIS CLOSE to asking him to quit trying.

No Honeymoon for These Newlyweds and That’s Just Fine

Posted on by

4

The Man and I thought we might get a chance to run away for a bit when The Boy visited his dad in August, but guess what?  Yup.  The Boy will probably not be headed to his dad’s until Thanksgiving, if then.  We didn’t really expect this visitation to pan out, but it would have given us a little time together.

ShrimperIn any case, we are making the absolute most of our Saturday nights together, and it has turned into an extended honeymoon/staycation of sorts.  We have been lucky enough to have fantastic meals just about every Saturday since we started over a month ago.  And I have to tell you, for an area that has about 12,000 people, there are some damned good restaurants down here.  Plus, we live in an area that relies on tourism in the summer, so it’s pretty easy to take a “staycation” – beautiful warm summer evenings, quaint little towns through which to walk, replete with old cemeteries, gardens, and, well, the ocean.

So, while I could be really upset that we haven’t been able to go away somewhere together, I’m not in the least.  The Man and I have done enough traveling over the past four years just to be together.  Now that we are together, we have reveled in these semi-private Saturdays, and we’ve been able to drag it out all summer long.  I really couldn’t ask for more. ❤

PS Thank you, thank you, thank you to Grammy and Poppy for this priceless gift ❤

I Don’t Owe Him a Thing

Posted on by

0

When I was first divorced, I bent over backwards to make sure that The Boy spent time with his dad.  And I often bent further than was really fair.  Because I knew if I didn’t, their relationship would suffer.  But finally, I realized that their relationship wasn’t up to me.  It was up to them, and since The Boy is a child, it was really up to the adult in that relationship, namely the ex.  It was most definitely not up to me.

A few days ago, I wrote about the ex’s most recent behavior, asking me for a few “favors”.  My first, knee-jerk reaction was to try to help him out, because if I don’t, he will take it out on his son, probably cancelling his visitation time, and not calling.

But the truth is, that’s pretty likely, even when the ex isn’t pissed off at me.  And lying for him is definitely not in my best interests, nor in the best interests of his own son.  Doing “favors” for him when he hangs up on me is reinforcing that bad behavior.  The truth is that we don’t have that kind of relationship.  We have a business relationship, if that.  Some divorced relationships are cordial and even friendly.  Ours just isn’t.  And because it isn’t, favors are not required.

The simple question is, would he do the same for me?  The answer is no.  The simple question is, would you do “favors” for a person who periodically swears at you, threatens you, hangs up on you, and doesn’t meet his obligations to you?

I didn’t think so.

Peter Pan Keeps Coming Back

Posted on by

1

Will he never grow up?  Will he never learn to manage his anger?  Will he ever learn that I just don’t play that way?

Cover of 1915 edition of J. M. Barrie's novel,...

Ah, yes.  The Angry Ex has returned, texting me today, all nicey-nice about a couple of favors he needs from me.  The check is in the mail, but will I send a short paragraph to his potential mortgage lender about how he pays child support regularly?  And can I send him a copy of our divorce papers?

Number 1: He doesn’t pay child support regularly, so he is asking me to lie in exchange for money that he already owes his own son.  Number 2: We are divorced, and keeping track of his paperwork is no longer my responsibility (like it ever was?).

When I first spoke to an attorney about the possibility of divorce, the attorney told me that so many of his cases were against “Peter Pan” – guys who just never grew up.  The ex in my case seems to be Peter Pan’s darker twin brother, because when I won’t play along and do what he expects me to do, he gets angry, verbally abusive, and retaliates by not speaking and/or seeing his son.

At first he was fine with me not making copies of the divorce papers.

And then he called.  As soon as I heard my phone (I have a special ringtone, just for him), I knew that I would be asked for another “favor”, and not that he was actually calling to talk to his son, with whom he hasn’t spoken in two weeks, and then only because The Boy called him.  He explained that he was in a “time crunch” and asked if I would scan in the divorce papers and email them to him.  I told him I really didn’t have the time, and he hung up on me.

As if that hurts me in some way.

Nope, he’ll never grow up.

“We won’t grow up!
We will never grow a day
And if someone tries to make us
We will simply run away” ~ Peter Pan