When I was first divorced, I bent over backwards to make sure that The Boy spent time with his dad. And I often bent further than was really fair. Because I knew if I didn’t, their relationship would suffer. But finally, I realized that their relationship wasn’t up to me. It was up to them, and since The Boy is a child, it was really up to the adult in that relationship, namely the ex. It was most definitely not up to me.
A few days ago, I wrote about the ex’s most recent behavior, asking me for a few “favors”. My first, knee-jerk reaction was to try to help him out, because if I don’t, he will take it out on his son, probably cancelling his visitation time, and not calling.
But the truth is, that’s pretty likely, even when the ex isn’t pissed off at me. And lying for him is definitely not in my best interests, nor in the best interests of his own son. Doing “favors” for him when he hangs up on me is reinforcing that bad behavior. The truth is that we don’t have that kind of relationship. We have a business relationship, if that. Some divorced relationships are cordial and even friendly. Ours just isn’t. And because it isn’t, favors are not required.
The simple question is, would he do the same for me? The answer is no. The simple question is, would you do “favors” for a person who periodically swears at you, threatens you, hangs up on you, and doesn’t meet his obligations to you?
I didn’t think so.