I am THIS CLOSE to telling the ex to stop even trying to bother. Over the past couple of months, he has cancelled his August visitation (which has happened three out of the past four years, probably even longer), and then immediately promised The Boy he would see him for Thanksgiving. His “plan” was to have his mom fly down, fly back with The Boy, and then he himself would fly down again with him to drop him off, and fly back. He claimed his mom offered to pay for her tickets, and he (the ex) would pay for his own and for The Boy’s. Did you count how many tickets that was?
I knew before the words were even out of his mouth that it wouldn’t happen, but per usual, just nodded my head, and said, “Sure.” And The Boy has continued talking about seeing his dad’s kitties in November (the only part of his trips he is verbally concerned with). And every time, I remind him that it might not happen, and I-don’t-want-you-to-get-too-disappointed-if-it-doesn’t-happen… “I know, Mom,” he says.
And he does.
The text came tonight, saying he couldn’t afford the airfare, but that his girlfriend has a cousin in our state who will be alone for Thanksgiving, so they might…
JUST STOP.
That plan won’t happen either, because you will ask me to drive four hours, one way, to the middle of nowhere the night before Thanksgiving to make this work for you, and when I won’t, it will be my fault again that you will have missed another opportunity to spend time with your son.
I’m over it.
He’s over it.
It’s so much energy on everyone’s part, and the only thing created is headache and disappointment. I am THIS CLOSE to asking him to quit trying.
Simple. I Just Do. 
I don’t know if y’all have custody worked out through the courts, but my un-asked for advice is to document EVERYTHING. Every cancelled visit, every last minute change, whatever. Then when you have just an obscene amount of proof go back to court and just end it. Or if your son gets to the age where the courts will listen when he says “I don’t want to go” before then, let him do that if he wants to. It sucks. It sucks to be the mom where you watch your kid get hurt over and over by the non-parent. It sounds like your ex just wants to blame you for his lack of involvement. Hang in there 🙂
Oh yes, I have everything documented, and have full legal and physical custody. I’m just tired of spending the emotional energy playing these games. After five years of this nonsense, it has gotten so old.
My son is undiagnosed because his father wouldn’t allow him to be “labeled”. I am blessed that, as an early childhood educator at the time of his birth and early life, I knew the signs and understood his behavior was high functioning spectrum rather than being a brat. That is the background I need to give you for the following statement (sorry it’s long winded).
I need my son to see that his father “tried”. Even when it doesn’t work out (because his father is a douche). Because if my son doesn’t think his father even tried, my son will cut him off. He’ll retreat into himself when it comes to dealing with his dad. In every way.
I understand our sons are different; however, in reading your blog, their processing skills seem similar. There is concrete black and white. No gray at all. And the prep time it take for even a hair cut is like navigating a complex company merger. My ex is supposed to see my son every week and every other weekend. I only get it to happen about once every six weeks between my ex being an idiot about showing up and my son being prepared for the visit.
My counselor says that it is important for my son to understand as he ages that his father “tried” (and trust me, I’m using that term as loosely as possible) because of the way his brain processes situations.
I’m so sorry The Boy is going through this. My boy is going through it too…and has the added joy of coming in second to the girlfriend’s severely autistic/cerebral palsy son with his own father. And I look at the compassion he gives that boy, because it’s a truly visible physical disability along with the autism, and cry myself to sleep because his own baby boy has had to struggle every day of his life due to his lack of understanding of the true nature of his needs. (Wow…this is way more like a blog post than a comment…so sorry).
No worries! I’m so glad you could vent here! I do express to The Boy that his dad is trying, which is, as you say, an extreme stretch of the truth. But he knows what’s up. He’s old enough to remember his dad not following through even when we were still together.
As is mine. I’m so sorry that he’s going through this. I know his (and your) pain. And it is so hard to watch.
Big hugs!
Thanks! Hugs back atchya!