Thanks to my Village

Posted on March 24, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our crisis-of-the-week has apparently averted. Fantastic Babysitter is doing me a huge favor and providing The Boy a place to stay for a night and transportation to meet the ex on the day he requested. The ex has relented (and apparently forgotten the crazy-making way he treated me/us) and has agreed to pick The Boy up according to the new plan. How could he say no?

If left to my own devices, this would not have been possible. If not for a friend at work who suggested the plan and insisted that I was not “giving in” to the ex if I were able to make it happen, I would have resisted making any concessions, or lifting a finger to aid that man. If not for Fantastic Babysitter, it wouldn’t even be possible.

And before you raise an eyebrow and think to yourself, “But what if he doesn’t show up?”, we got that covered, too. Again, thanks to Fantastic Babysitter (Now do you see why I call her that??).

Thanks to my friends who help me whether I know I need it or not. Thanks to my village, that helps me raise my child and be a better mom (and a better person). Thanks to them, this will turn out OK.

Self Advocacy via PowerPoint

Posted on March 23, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Boy has a love affair with PowerPoint. He could whip one up faster than just about anyone, and it would be engaging (if you were interested in Sonic the Hedgehog or Mario and Luigi), and you would say, “An 11 year old made that?” In fact, I had no sitter during an evening school event the other night, so I set The Boy up in a quiet office space with my computer and PowerPoint primed and ready to go. Not only was he self-sufficient the whole time I was occupied, he wasn’t ready to go when I was done because he wasn’t finished.

Our kids (those with autism) have so many fascinations, that those of you with kids on the spectrum are saying, “Yeah, so??” because your own kids have talents and abilities, and often they don’t seem to have any real purpose, right?

This past week, I got The Boy’s report card (pretty stellar, besides the “need improvement” in doing homework part – haha!), and his IEP progress report (again pretty awesome), and had parent teacher conferences with both his ASD and general ed teachers. And I was made aware that The Boy’s writing has developed by leaps and bounds this year. Writing is difficult for kids on the spectrum, because they have a hard time creating and voicing new ideas. For example, when asked to give characters a name (even back when we bought a Webkinz!), he becomes almost paralyzed until you suggest something, and then he will automatically agree to whatever name you suggest. Creating new ideas is hard. Also, staying on topic is hard. But The Boy is doing extremely well, and even developing his own “voice” in his writing, which is something that even NT kids (and adults) have a hard time with! (I am SO excited about this, being a writer-type myself.)

In any case, here’s the point of my rambling, the “why” of this whole thing: The Boy used PowerPoint to help himself become a better writer. He developed his own graphic organizer using PowerPoint to help him with paragraph structure, and uses it daily to write his journal. He doesn’t need to be asked, and he didn’t get any help. And it is working. And I am so incredibly proud of my self-advocate.

As Prepared as a Boy Scout

Posted on March 22, 2013 by simpleijustdo

To-do list book. (Photo credit: koalazymonkey)

I have done what I can to prepare for possibilities.

I have prepared The Boy for the possibility of coming with me rather than going to his dad’s for spring break. “But I’ll miss the cats!” he whimpered. After a few minutes, he was OK.
I have offered the ex a way to pick The Boy up on the day he prefers, and he has not responded. You see, I have deflated his sails, and he doesn’t know how to respond without losing face.
I have contacted my attorney to make sure we are as prepared as possible if (and that’s a big if) he decides to follow through.

I can’t do any more besides try to let the anxiety go. (As Grandma always said, “Do your best and that’s all you can do.“)

Today, I am back to running errands, planning to do taxes, getting an oil change. Taking care of things that need to be taken care of before a trip, and in so doing, attempting to let the stress of the last week go, come what may. I am as prepared as possible.

Threats and Knots

Posted on March 21, 2013 by simpleijustdo

You know how some people thrive on conflict, and when they can’t find any create some on which to feed? Yeah, that’s not me. When my parents (very rarely) argued when I was little, I would crawl under tables and hide in closets and they weren’t even shouting at each other. Conflict ties my stomach in knots and makes me head for the bathroom.

The ex is one of those that thrives on conflict. He also has anger issues, so things can escalate quickly, loudly, and threateningly. Today, he has threatened to contest our move down south. Not when I told him we were moving in December. Not on February 10 which was the last time he spoke to his son until Monday. Nope. Today. Why? Because he isn’t happy that I am unable and unwilling to adjust my vacation plans (i.e. cut my vacation short by 2 days) to accommodate his inability to pick up his son in a timely fashion for his visitation on spring break.

Luckily, this escalation was all via text, and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. My side: all business (the parenting agreement states… I can meet you on these dates… it is your visitation, so you need to make the arrangements). His side: all bluster (expletive… don’t you dare threaten me… I will contest your move… you might be very nervous come this spring). All in text, all documented.

And my stomach is in knots.

And I’ve contacted my attorney.

Does Anyone Else Cry When They Workout?

Posted on March 20, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve been working out a little bit, as you probably know, and I’ve been waking up early to ride the bike a couple of times a week. I really, truly thought this would be hard to do, but to tell you the truth, I kind of look forward to it now. I put on the noise canceling headphones, turn on some perfectly-timed music on my phone (thanks to the fantastic app “Cadence“), and ride for 20 minutes. I can sometimes catch up on emails and facebook, but mostly, I listen to the music.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have always been a sucker for a good turn of lyric. Lyrics are poetry to me. If you don’t write well, I probably don’t listen to you (unless your song has an earworm-worthy beat and is inescapable in society). Suffice it to say, even the music that has a tempo of 135 (my setting for my morning rides) on my phone have meaningful lyrics.

And I’ve been listening. And crying.

What the-?

I don’t know if I’m more emotional because I’ve just woken up, or it’s because I am completely alone, or what, but something has been triggering these tears. They aren’t always sad tears, either. Just emotional. And before you ask if it has anything to do with my cycle, please realize I would have figured that out by now if it did.

Nope. I think this is not only a workout, but a cathartic release of stress, and I don’t mind it. I feel more in tune to my big picture starting my day this way, bike facing my mantel, and the myriad pictures of the most important people in my life. Reminding me why I’m riding, and more philosophically, where I’m headed.

The Other Part of Our Story, Part II

Posted on March 19, 2013 by simpleijustdo

He moved into the basement. He finally consented to the counseling I had been asking for since The Boy was a baby, six years previous (he had always insisted, “We can solve our own problems”), although he considered it an ultimatum from me, which it was. We attended three sessions together where he did most of the talking. After the third session, we had an assignment to list all of the things that we thought the other person misunderstood about us, and then we were to share our lists with each other.

I read my carefully crafted list of maybe six items. He then read his three page diatribe about everything that was wrong with me, how his family and friends really felt about me, and about how I was such a bitch. Then he accused me of throwing something at his head in an argument we had had when The Boy was a baby.

(The real story was, he had thrown something at me, while I was holding The Boy, at maybe three months old. And I had almost left that day. I did bundle The Boy up and went for a long walk in the cold and snow. I finally decided against it because babies have so much stuff and it would be very difficult to move everything.)

After he had lied about that argument, and completely twisted the assignment, showing he had no faith in the counseling, I knew it was time to stop fighting, and time to let go.

From our vacation that June…

The Boy and I left town after school was out, on our annual week-long vacation to my parents’ house. The ex rarely came, and definitely did not come this time. I took my ring off for the trip, and never did put it back on. I decided while there that I would file for divorce when I returned, and I did.

Final installment soon…

Making the Best of it

Posted on March 18, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve mentioned before how my patience is wearing thin, and contrary to expectations it is actually getting harder rather than easier as we approach the end of the school year (and the move, and all of the requisite life changes). I feel a bit like a lame duck must feel. Restless, bored, ineffectual, and impatient. It’s a pretty unsettling feeling. I have been so content and happy these past three years, that this daily unrest (albeit mental) is getting old, real fast.

I am also not one to sit and complain and do nothing, so…

English: This is actually Tom's Restaurant, NY...

Tom’s Restaurant, NYC (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I plan to make a list of some of the things I enjoy about this place where I live, and this situation in which I live, and attempt to make the best of the rest of our time here. For instance, I love a good restaurant, and living in this big metropolis, we have plenty to choose from, which will not really be the case after we move south. We generally eat out once a week or so, and if you do the math, that leaves 13 restaurants to visit one last time (give or take a few). Whoa. Mind boggling! Which ones will make the cut? And what will I order?

This is a much more fun way to look at these remaining few months before we can start the rest of our lives, don’t you think?

The St. Patrick’s Day “hat”…

Posted on March 17, 2013 by simpleijustdo

My son remembers just about everything.

A couple of years ago, he made Fabulous Babysitter buy him a St. Pat’s-themed head band with orange pigtails that got some pretty strange looks when he wore it. He was oblivious, of course, but the rest of us weren’t. This is one of the tough parts of being an autism parent (or caregiver, or teacher). We don’t want to deny them anything that makes them happy (at least nothing as benign as this), but we also don’t want them to be targets for the less compassionate public at large.

A few years ago, it was a beanie (complete with propeller!) that The Boy had found around Halloween at a costume store. Harmless, right? Until I got the note home from his teacher that he was being teased, and could we please keep it at home…

And part of me screamed, “No! Let’s concentrate on the teasers and not the one being teased!” while the other part said, “Oh, for sure. I so get it.”

Fabulous Babysitter took The Boy out on Fun Friday, and he wanted to get some St. Patrick’s day “stuff”, and he dragged her from place to place (although she would never call it that), until he remembered the exact store they had purchased the pigtail-headband the last time. And they purchased it again. And again, we ask ourselves – is it better to let him be himself, or help him to assimilate?

The Other Part of Our Story

Posted on March 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We hadn’t been happy together since The Boy was born. For whatever reason, the ex never bonded with him, and had a hard time accepting that my attention was now divided. He also had a very hard time with the diagnosis, never really understanding autism, and even after hearing a psychologist tell us that it was definitely autism, he still believed The Boy just needed some discipline, and that I was coddling him. Hence the yelling and spanking.

My friends tell me stories of the years after The Boy was born that I do not remember. They tell me that one night I had to call a friend to take me to the emergency room because I was exhausted and dehydrated, and that she came to pick me up, and the ex was sitting right there ignoring us, putting his basketball shoes on, and then stepped over me on the floor as he left.

“garage” by nightthree via flickr

The winter before the end of our marriage, the ex was laid off, as he usually was in the winter. He had a bachelor’s degree but refused to use it, and so did menial, seasonal labor (still does). He stayed home all day, playing video games and watching TV, mostly Bill Maher. I would come home from work, and most sentences would begin, “Bill Maher says…” as if he didn’t have his own brain. He was paranoid (thanks to the pot smoking, I think), and insisted that his life was the way it was because the man was out to get him. I mostly ignored him, which was easy, because he spent most of his time in the garage smoking pot when I was home.

In May, right after Mothers’ Day, I got a call during the day. I was at a conference two hours from home, and I had to go outside to take it. He had decided I was a bitch, I never listened to him, and he was leaving. He was going to stay at his mother’s out of state. Of course it wasn’t all that matter of fact. There was much more swearing, yelling, and name calling, but I was panicked and in tears when the phone call was over. I left immediately, and raced home, calling friends alternately on the ride home. My first stop was the bank, where I did what I could to secure our money from leaving with him. And then I headed home, to find him sitting there, saying he didn’t have enough money to get “home”.

~ to be continued… ~

Sometimes Still My Little Boy

Posted on March 15, 2013 by simpleijustdo

There are still cuddly days, thank goodness. Today was one. He seemed excited to see me at pick up, and almost shared something that sounded like a good thing. I couldn’t quite get it out of him. I read (in his communication log) he had had an excellent day, and he seemed excited about dissecting owl pellets in class, and even made a connection to the book they are reading that has an owl as a main character. I had recently seen an owl webcam online, and showed it to him when we got home. He snuggled in next to me on the chair, and we watched for quite awhile. When I closed the browser window, he noticed that I had been previewing a cartoon DVD for school, full of old-school cartoons. He asked to watch it, and we spent the next hour nestled together in a blankie, watching Tom & Jerry, and Sylvester & Tweety. It was a fantastic afternoon!

I know these times will come fewer and farther between, so I am so happy when something like this happens out of the blue. My little boy is growing up!