Category Archives: Special Needs Parenting

Doctor Visit

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After our less-than-successful dentist visit last week, The Boy and I both had anxiety over today’s doctor appointment.  The obsession with being done by a certain time popped up again, and I had to explain in detail three times that we would likely not be done by 3:46PM, as there was a lot of waiting involved with a doctor appointment.  Each time, he seemed even more anxious. I was expecting to be there for at least an hour and a half, maybe longer, and I was envisioning another meltdown.

We went a bit early because we missed our appointment last summer.  I called to tell them I would be 10 maybe 15 minutes late, and whoever I spoke to on the phone was pretty pedantic with me, repeatedly telling me how important it was to be on time, and that they would have to reschedule our appointment.  I was furious.  Today, I was not going to take the chance of being a minute late, so we arrived about 20 minutes early.

Ideally, you shouldn’t do this, as this is more time for anxiety to fester, but I kept him busy with games of slappy, a new app on my phone, and plenty of cuddles (which must look pretty weird to others, this tall, lanky boy on my lap, but I really don’t give a flying fig – whatever it takes to dispel my son’s anxiety is what I will do).

Wonder of wonders, they were on time.  Took us right in, and the nurse who did the prelim stuff was a PRO.  She made a game out of everything, and The Boy was having fun.  At the doctor’s.

The doctor came in, and she was quick and efficient, answering my questions, and allaying his fears all at once.  And when she was done, The Boy said anxiously, “What time is it?”  I looked at my phone, and it was 3:34PM!  We zipped out of there, sucker in hand, and were home by 3:44PM.

We even discussed how our next two visits would include “pokes”, his biggest fear when going to the doctor.  By the end of the conversation, he was telling me the reasons why “getting pokes” was important, and how brave he would be.

They were such pros.  HE was such a pro. And I am very, very happy.

(Photo attribution: By Bart Everson (Flickr: Doctor’s Office) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons)

Nurturing the “Us”

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It is much easier with two.  Two people who can give each other a break from time to time.  The Man will often take The Boy to the park on a whim, or just for a ride in his truck (often ending with a trip to DQ).  I can’t tell you how much I love that, and appreciate him and am AMAZED at just having someone like him to do that.  The three of us are together only about every six weeks, and it’s not perfect all the time (what blended family is? For that matter, what typical family is?), but I appreciate it all the more because of the time when it is just we two, and I. am. it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love spending alone time with my son.  There aren’t words to describe the bond we have, and we are silly together and go on adventures together… We are lucky to like each other a great deal.  He is a fantastic kid, smart as a whip with an amazing sense of humor, an uncanny memory, and so many special talents.

But we have some dark times, too.  We have some days where a cloud hangs over him and just won’t let go.  We have days when I can do nothing right (in his eyes and/or my own), and it seems like tears are flowing from dawn until dusk.  My hair has been pulled, I have been punched, bitten, and kicked.  I have lost it myself, at the end of my rope, not having any inkling of what to do besides curl up and cry.

couple-hold-hands-in-silhouette-at-sunset-16no...

(Photo credit: mikebaird)

Having two of us to tag-team, as it were, prevents many (not all) of those dark times from getting that far.  If one of us is getting overwhelmed and irritated, the other will do something about it.  And THIS is how adult relationships survive around autism (and really in any family).  Brace yourself, because I’m going to say something controversial: Kids should not come first above all else.  That relationship between the adults is paramount, because if that falters, the support for the family disappears.  This is especially hard for us special needs parents to understand because our kids need us so much more than typical kids.  But then, our partners need us so much more than typical partners do, too, right?  Raising a special needs kid is hard.  We must take care of ourselves, and we must take care of our partners.  We must nurture the “us”.  If we make that a priority, we and our partners can take care of everybody else.  Together.

Thoughts?

Blindsided

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Dentist

Dentist (Photo credit: Joel Price)

I have gotten pretty good at predicting what will trigger a meltdown, and at analyzing what, in fact, actually did cause a meltdown.  There are times, like today, when I have no flippin’ clue what the hell happened.

I made a dentist appointment for The Boy.  I prepped him for weeks, and even made an appointment for me right before his, that was supposed to be quick, the way they made it sound.  I cannot make appointments during school or ESY, because if he misses school, I hear about it for years.  That’s not an exaggeration.  He must not miss school.  And I had tried twice to make this appointment before I was actually able to make it, due to the wonky office schedule.

We arrived, everything was OK.  I had my consult, and then my cleaning, which took about an hour.  During this time, The Boy was a little nervous, but OK because they let him wander around and be comfortable, which I really appreciate.  And then, near the end of my appointment, he just freaked.  Something to do with the clock striking three, and we had been there for “hours”, and couldn’t we make time go backwards?  Inconsolable crying, tears, sobbing.  And it just wouldn’t stop – he was out of reach.  We had to reschedule his appointment for a much more inconvenient time, right at back-to-school time.  Ugh.

Is an hour a long time?  I suppose, but he is usually pretty good about this kind of thing.  Should we have done his appointment first?  Probably not, because the freak out would have happened whilst I was in the chair being scraped and polished within an inch of my life, and then what? And why all the references to time??  Here’s a theory: I think sometimes he convinces himself of things that will happen and deadlines that will be met (in this case, we would be done by 2:45pm), and with that lack of “theory of mind,” he thinks everyone knows his thoughts.  And we don’t.  And when things don’t happen the way he has envisioned, and the deadlines are not met, his world falls apart a bit.

But I can’t predict that, and I can’t prepare for that.  So sometimes I get blindsided.

An hour later, and he is finally calming down, but resolved to find a remote control that can make appointments go quicker, and can make time go backwards.  You and me both, kid.  You and me both.