No Honeymoon for These Newlyweds and That’s Just Fine

Posted on August 6, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Man and I thought we might get a chance to run away for a bit when The Boy visited his dad in August, but guess what? Yup. The Boy will probably not be headed to his dad’s until Thanksgiving, if then. We didn’t really expect this visitation to pan out, but it would have given us a little time together.

In any case, we are making the absolute most of our Saturday nights together, and it has turned into an extended honeymoon/staycation of sorts. We have been lucky enough to have fantastic meals just about every Saturday since we started over a month ago. And I have to tell you, for an area that has about 12,000 people, there are some damned good restaurants down here. Plus, we live in an area that relies on tourism in the summer, so it’s pretty easy to take a “staycation” – beautiful warm summer evenings, quaint little towns through which to walk, replete with old cemeteries, gardens, and, well, the ocean.

So, while I could be really upset that we haven’t been able to go away somewhere together, I’m not in the least. The Man and I have done enough traveling over the past four years just to be together. Now that we are together, we have reveled in these semi-private Saturdays, and we’ve been able to drag it out all summer long. I really couldn’t ask for more. ❤

PS Thank you, thank you, thank you to Grammy and Poppy for this priceless gift ❤

Thanks to my Village

Posted on March 24, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our crisis-of-the-week has apparently averted. Fantastic Babysitter is doing me a huge favor and providing The Boy a place to stay for a night and transportation to meet the ex on the day he requested. The ex has relented (and apparently forgotten the crazy-making way he treated me/us) and has agreed to pick The Boy up according to the new plan. How could he say no?

If left to my own devices, this would not have been possible. If not for a friend at work who suggested the plan and insisted that I was not “giving in” to the ex if I were able to make it happen, I would have resisted making any concessions, or lifting a finger to aid that man. If not for Fantastic Babysitter, it wouldn’t even be possible.

And before you raise an eyebrow and think to yourself, “But what if he doesn’t show up?”, we got that covered, too. Again, thanks to Fantastic Babysitter (Now do you see why I call her that??).

Thanks to my friends who help me whether I know I need it or not. Thanks to my village, that helps me raise my child and be a better mom (and a better person). Thanks to them, this will turn out OK.

As Prepared as a Boy Scout

Posted on March 22, 2013 by simpleijustdo

To-do list book. (Photo credit: koalazymonkey)

I have done what I can to prepare for possibilities.

I have prepared The Boy for the possibility of coming with me rather than going to his dad’s for spring break. “But I’ll miss the cats!” he whimpered. After a few minutes, he was OK.
I have offered the ex a way to pick The Boy up on the day he prefers, and he has not responded. You see, I have deflated his sails, and he doesn’t know how to respond without losing face.
I have contacted my attorney to make sure we are as prepared as possible if (and that’s a big if) he decides to follow through.

I can’t do any more besides try to let the anxiety go. (As Grandma always said, “Do your best and that’s all you can do.“)

Today, I am back to running errands, planning to do taxes, getting an oil change. Taking care of things that need to be taken care of before a trip, and in so doing, attempting to let the stress of the last week go, come what may. I am as prepared as possible.

Threats and Knots

Posted on March 21, 2013 by simpleijustdo

You know how some people thrive on conflict, and when they can’t find any create some on which to feed? Yeah, that’s not me. When my parents (very rarely) argued when I was little, I would crawl under tables and hide in closets and they weren’t even shouting at each other. Conflict ties my stomach in knots and makes me head for the bathroom.

The ex is one of those that thrives on conflict. He also has anger issues, so things can escalate quickly, loudly, and threateningly. Today, he has threatened to contest our move down south. Not when I told him we were moving in December. Not on February 10 which was the last time he spoke to his son until Monday. Nope. Today. Why? Because he isn’t happy that I am unable and unwilling to adjust my vacation plans (i.e. cut my vacation short by 2 days) to accommodate his inability to pick up his son in a timely fashion for his visitation on spring break.

Luckily, this escalation was all via text, and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. My side: all business (the parenting agreement states… I can meet you on these dates… it is your visitation, so you need to make the arrangements). His side: all bluster (expletive… don’t you dare threaten me… I will contest your move… you might be very nervous come this spring). All in text, all documented.

And my stomach is in knots.

And I’ve contacted my attorney.

Visitation Means He’s Supposed to Visit You…

Posted on March 14, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I just spoke with the ex about spring break plans. He is supposed to have The Boy for the week, and I just never know what’s up, it seems, until the last minute. I texted him the other night, asking him if he was planning on having The Boy for the week, and he said he was. We spoke this evening, and I’ve noticed that recently, he has been trying to do some Jedi mind-meld deal like tonight when he said, “So we’re going to do Saturday to Saturday again?”

We have never, ever done Saturday to Saturday, but I think he thinks that if he says it that way, I will go, “Yeah! That sounds good!”

Does he not remember that we were married for ten years, and never once was I ditzy enough to fall for that kind of crap, and in the almost five years since the divorce, never once have I been inclined to do anything but tell him how it’s going to be? Because realistically, and according to our court documents, his visitation starts the evening of the last day of school for The Boy (Thursday) and runs through the day before we return (Sunday). And I am not inclined to give him an inch, especially when he has the track record he does.

I explained my plans, and since he knows that I am still doing him a huge favor by meeting him (or his parents, whoever comes to pick up The Boy) about three hours from home (saving him 6 hours in one trip), he agreed. At least for now. He could always call the night before and cancel the whole thing. If that happens, no worries. The Boy and I are used to it by now.

But What Do I Do?

Posted on January 22, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I spent some time on divorce forums after the split, hoping to find a community, mostly to help me work through my anger and hostility toward my ex. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to feel this way, and I still had some raw emotions, even though we hadn’t really loved each other in a long, long while. In those forums, people would inevitably post questions about what to do when…

their ex didn’t pay child support
their ex didn’t show up for visitation
their ex yelled at them on the phone
their ex didn’t call enough
their ex cancelled plans at the last minute
their ex brought the girlfriend to parent-teacher conferences

and so on, and so on…

“But what do I do??” they would plead.

After awhile, even I knew the answer to every single question like this: “Nothing!”

You do not have control over your ex. You can’t make him (or her) do (or not do) anything. The only thing you can control is your reaction to his/her actions. (Notice I didn’t say feelings – you can’t control feelings, and anything you feel is natural – let it be). The ex doesn’t pay child support? Find a way to live without it, and keep track. Find out what your state agency will do for you and when. Give them a friendly phone call and ask for enforcement. The ex doesn’t show up for visitation? Have a back up plan (always), and use it. The ex yells at you on the phone? Hang up. The ex doesn’t call enough? His/her loss. (This is a hard one, when you know your child may be hurting. Help them to know how much they are loved, use a backup plan, and know that in the end, your child will learn valuable lessons from this, and love you even more for being there for them). The ex cancels plans? Use your resources to cover childcare if necessary, and use your backup plan. The ex brought the girlfriend to conferences? In the whole scheme of things, it probably isn’t that big of a deal. In any case, it’s out of your control, and as much as it is hard to accept sometimes, worrying about things that are not in your control is a waste of energy. Save it for the big battles.

That being said, you can cordially express your displeasure with the ex about any of these things. But don’t expect an appropriate, cordial response. Document everything, know your rights, and if they are being violated (or your parenting agreement is not being met, etc.), step up and say something. But always ask yourself if you are really just trying to control the situation. Trying to control your ex will get you nothing but a headache.

Missing

Posted on December 30, 2012 by simpleijustdo

The Boy is at his dad’s and has been for about a week. He sounds happy and relatively tired when I talk to him on the phone each night. While I miss him a bit, I am still savoring the respite: besides a few days this summer (Thank you, Fantastic Babysitter!) and a few days in June (Thank you, Grammy & Poppy!), this is the first extended break I’ve had since February. In fact, by the end of this next week, it will be the longest time I can remember being separated from The Boy, ever. For the same reason that I don’t feel guilty for being a working mom, and for the same reason I don’t feel guilty when I have the rare opportunity to go out with friends or The Man, I don’t feel guilty about enjoying this time right now.

This makes me a better mom.

Without this time away, the threshhold for frustration gets dangerously low, and a whole range of negative emotions starts brewing.

The Man and I do feel like something (someone, more like) is missing at times, and we get bored a little more easily. Ask me in three days, and I will definitely be missing The Boy fiercely. But for right now, it feels good to not really have to worry about meds, schedules, and sharp crayons. And The Boy is actually spending time with his dad. It’s a win-win.

The Ex and his Control Issues

Posted on November 5, 2012 by simpleijustdo

At least, that’s one theory about what’s going on (or not going on, as the case may be).

I texted the ex: “We need to talk about Christmas so that we are on the same page”. He responded, “Sounds good. I will call Friday night around 7 if that’s ok”. I replied, “We’re going to the movies for Fun Friday… How about 8?” His response, “That will work. Talk to ya then.”

Sounds like a pretty cordial conversation, right? The most cordial we’ve had all year, in fact. The outcome? No call around 8pm. In fact, he didn’t call until over an hour later, and I didn’t answer. I was already on the phone, and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have responded. Am I playing games? No. I am showing him that my time is valuable, and when we make an agreement, he needs to stick to it. Just like if I let him swear at me, and continue talking to him, that communicates to him that it’s OK to swear at me. If I answer the phone when he calls an hour late, that communicates to him that it’s just fine for him to do that, and it’s not. I’m not trying to control his behavior, but I am trying to get him to be respectful in his dealings with me.

He left a voicemail saying, “Sorry for not calling right at 8, I got busy. I’ll try giving you another call tomorrow.”

He never called back. We’ll keep trying, I suppose.