The Boy is Back

Posted on April 28, 2014 by simpleijustdo

The Boy, still sleeping, catching up from Spring Break at his dad’s

The Boy is back and seemingly had a good time. And I am glad. I’m glad there were no emergency phone calls asking me what to do because he is having a meltdown. I’m glad it sounds like they actually spent time together, which hasn’t been the case in the past. And it’s early days yet, but I’m glad that The Boy seems to be happy to be home, with no lingering ill-effects like cat scratches covering his hands, or a fear of the bathtub.

I am happy to have him back, and I am happy he had a good time.

That does not mean that I trust things with his dad have changed. While setting up this trip, his dad talked about taking him to Disney in May, because he knows someone who works at Discovery Cove and could get “us” into all the parks for free – you see, he wanted The Man and I to share in this adventure, most likely because he wanted us to drive The Boy down to Orlando to meet him. I asked him not to mention this idea to The Boy, and told him May wouldn’t work, as The Boy is still in school at that time. When we met for drop-off, the ex explained that it would have to be postponed, and that the cost of Discovery Cove would be $150 each for he and The Boy, and if The Man and I wanted to go it would cost us $400 a piece, so maybe we wouldn’t want to do that.

So says the ex, who is almost $800 behind in child support.

So you see, I am happy this trip was able to happen. I am happy The Boy seemed to have a good time. But not for one second do I think things have really changed. Not for one second do I believe the ex is done hurting The Boy, albeit unintentionally. Plans will continue to be cancelled, phone calls left unmade, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… Maybe it’s pessimistic, and distrustful, but it’s also evidence-based, and I am too protective a mom to think otherwise.

The Handoff

Posted on April 21, 2014 by simpleijustdo

A co-worker asked how my weekend was, and I think I responded something like, “Meh.” Because it was a nice weekend, and The Man and had a tiny vacation, but I had to give up The Boy, so there’s that. The truth is I hate giving him up, but I have an undying hope that he will be able to salvage something of a relationship with his dad at some point, and so I know this is good. Or has the potential of being good. But having him gone is like not having an arm for a week.

And so, while the weekend was a nice little getaway, and I could do nothing but smile at The Boy’s insistent questions (“How much longer? Are we there yet? I wonder what kind of lights Dad’s new car will have…”) and statements (“I can’t wait to see the new puppy!”), it still just sucks and my emotions are a little raw, a little closer to the surface. I will (and already do) miss being a mom, at least in the active sense, this week.

Here’s to hoping it goes by quickly, uneventfully, and as painlessly as possible. Tomorrow’s another day.

First Visitation in a Year

Posted on April 16, 2014 by simpleijustdo

Saturday, we hope to take The Boy to meet his dad so that he can spend the week with him. He hasn’t seen his dad since last March, last spring break.

The Boy is excited, especially knowing that his dad has a new puppy to meet and a new car over which to obsess. I am happy that he is excited, and happy that his dad seems to be making an effort this time around. But, as always, it is with guarded optimism. The Boy has been hurt too many times for me to blindly accept that all is sunshine and lollipops. I won’t trust that this all will happen as planned until we actually see his dad on Saturday. And not for one second do I believe that there won’t be an impact after Spring Break.

Even when trips like this have gone well in the past, there has always been an adjustment back tour normal routine, household rules, and expectations. And I am preparing everyone here that hasn’t experienced this first-hand before. The Man says he understands and is ready, as do his teachers – I have prepared everyone to the best of my ability for the inevitable transition that will occur when he returns.

And if it doesn’t go well, or doesn’t go at all, it’s a whole ‘nother story, as you can imagine.

But right now, we are cautiously optimistic, glad to see The Boy’s excitement, and holding our breath for now.

He’s Baaaack…

Posted on March 18, 2014 by simpleijustdo

I have a sneaking suspicion that the ex and his girlfriend broke up, because he’s decided to remember he has a son of his own. He texted me in the middle of the week, saying he was sorry he was behind on child support, but that he’s been laid off, and would make a payment by the end of the week, oh, and he’s definitely a go for Easter, and could he call Thursday?

Sure, I replied.

Thursday evening rolled around, and another text that said he was still at work, and could he call Friday instead.

Sure, I replied.

He called while we were out to dinner, and I missed it, so I called him back before he could get to The Boy and start making promises that I would have to deal with when they were broken.

He laid out his plans for picking up The Boy for Easter Break, and didn’t ask for too much travel on our end. He went on to talk about us bringing The Boy to Florida in May, because he has a friend who works at Discovery Cove, and could get us in free to every park in Orlando. He suggested The Man and I come, too, and hang out with them for a couple of days if we wanted…

I told him I’d check the school calendar.

When he finally called to talk to The Boy on Saturday, I told him he could talk about Easter Break, but not to mention the other plans until they were more firm.

The unfortunate reality is that even positive contact with his dad has an impact on The Boy. We are now bracing ourselves and warning his teachers, who have never experienced The Boy post-visit-to-dad’s.

And it has already begun. The slightest up-tick in defiance and rigidity, the constant fear of being left behind… All of the old emotions (and negative behaviors) return with a phone call and a promise.

The ex will never understand his own power.

Instruction Manual

Posted on March 17, 2014 by simpleijustdo

By Mestigoit

Whenever the ex re-enters The Boy’s life, I feel like he needs a new instruction manual. He doesn’t communicate all that regularly with him, and even then asks open-ended questions, which are difficult for those in the spectrum. I had to interrupt, get on the phone and remind him that yes or no questions work better and to keep trying when he spoke to The Boy this weekend, because I could hear the frustration in his voice, and could tell he was getting ready to quit trying to engage him in conversation.

When he goes to visit him in April, what will they talk about? He has no idea what The Boy’s interests are, or his friend’s names, or how he likes to spend his time.

Does he remember that he needs time for transitions? Does he remember that raising your voice is risky? Does he have any idea what he likes to eat?

No, he doesn’t. Because that’s what happens when you don’t see your kid for an entire year, and only attempt to talk to him every six weeks or so. That is what happens when you don’t have a relationship with someone on the spectrum.

I worry, but there’s not much I can do. There’s no instruction manual for any of us. Much of parenting is figuring it all out as you go along. Some of us have figured out that building a strong relationship with our kiddos makes things so much easier. Others of us haven’t figured that out yet.

Time and Space

Posted on March 11, 2014 by simpleijustdo

After the divorce, The Boy talked to his dad about once a week on the phone. At least, his dad did most of the talking, unsure of how to get him to respond, and frequently pissed off because The Boy didn’t speak much at all. Over the years, his contact with The Boy has decreased dramatically, as I somehow knew it would, sooner or later.

The ex hasn’t seen his son in almost a year. He hasn’t spoken to him since January 23.

People rarely change, unless they invite it, seek it, and educate themselves to effect it. None of these, unfortunately, apply to the ex. Unfortunately for The Boy, who will probably always have a strained relationship with his dad, if he has one at all. And unfortunately for the ex, who obviously hasn’t a clue what he is missing, and won’t be able to get this missed time with his son back.

Luckily for The Boy, I think he notices it less now that he has a step-dad around, full-time. One who takes him for rides in the truck, wrestles with him, jokes with him, and obviously cares about him. The Man will never replace his dad, but he sure makes up for what his dad lacks in his life. And that’s a good thing. Couldn’t get much better, in fact.

Is it Time to Call a Spade a Spade?

Posted on December 19, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I described the ex’s latest cancellation the other day, and The Boy’s reaction. I am always the one who has to relay the news to The Boy, and I am the one left to field questions to which I have no answers. I am the one to deal with the acting out that quite often happens after one of these cancellations.

The ex will never change, but does that mean I shouldn’t try to show him what he’s missing, and what he is doing to our son?

English: : A mirror, reflecting a vase. Españo...

Time to hold up a mirror so he can self-reflect?…

I’m thinking of sending him a text (he doesn’t even access his email, and I don’t want to get into it with him on the phone) to point out that he hasn’t seen his son in eight months, and to ask him to imagine not having his own dad around for that long a time period. Explain that I understand money is tight, and that he has a hard time taking work off, but that if he saved a bit out of every paycheck, and told his boss months in advance (instead of days), he might be able to swing it. Ask him to stop “trying” to make plans and only tell The Boy he will see him when he is sure he can. Point out that his son is sad and angry at him, and that he deals with this by acting out, often at school.

He will undoubtedly get angry and not speak to The Boy for months after I send it, because that is his MO. But I feel I have the right to ask someone who continually hurts my son to take a moment to realize he is doing it, and to please stop.

I know he won’t change, but there’s a chance he has simply not given a thought to the effect of his absence and broken promises on his son. And if there’s a chance, it’s worth trying, right?

Get Used to Disappointment

Posted on December 17, 2013 by simpleijustdo

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies (the Princess Bride, which I have seen probably a kajillion times). Not one of my favorite things my son has to go through.

Broken Reflection, Valerie Reneé

Because the ex couldn’t manage to see his son for Thanksgiving, I offered (at Grammy’s urging) to give him the week between Christmas and New Years for visitation. I suggested he or they come down to the beach for a few days, even rent a house real cheap to see The Boy.

I hadn’t heard anything more about it (although Grammy had overheard the phrase “meet you somewhere” in a phone call between The Boy and the ex), so I texted him last night to see what was up.

I expected him to hem and haw a bit more, but he said straight out he couldn’t get any time off, and couldn’t do it. Sorry.

I expect this every time, and yet every time I cannot fathom why. I don’t know anyone (besides the ex) who is or would be completely comfortable not seeing his or her own child for eight months or longer, nor speak to him for a month or more at a time. I cannot understand his excuses, knowing how much I would do to ensure I would see my child.

But he is not me.

The Boy seemed a bit upset and irritated when I broke the news this evening. “Why?” he asked.

“Because he can’t get time off from work,” I said.

“Why can’t he get time off from work?”

I paused. Good question, kiddo. “You can ask him,” I suggested. “Want me to text him and have him call you?”

“I’ll think about it,” he said.

He’s getting as tired of this game as I am.

The Next Thing

Posted on November 5, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Home To Thanksgiving, Currier and Ives

The ex has bagged out on Thanksgiving with The Boy, unless I consented to have his parents pick The Boy up the weekend before Thanksgiving, and have him miss three days of school. My response to that was, “That’s not a good idea,” and so, no visitation until who knows when.

The common sense thing for the ex to do, now that we live even further apart, would be to save up a little money so he could come down for a weekend, stay at a hotel and see his son. But that will never happen. He doesn’t save money, and when he does, he spends it on himself. He probably resents The Boy for the child support coming out of his check, and reasons that that’s enough money to be spending on him, and he shouldn’t have to spend any more just to see him.

If you’re keeping track, The Boy hasn’t seen his dad since April, and the phone calls have become less and less frequent. They are about once a month, now. He was excited about going to see his dad’s kitties for Thanksgiving, and even though I tell him every time it comes up not to get his hopes up, and that it might not happen, he still talks about it as if it is a certainty.

Yesterday, I purposely brought it up because we need to get him from this place of certainty that it will happen to a place of certainty that it won’t happen with as little stress, trauma, and disappointment as possible, not an easy feat. I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to stick around here for Thanksgiving, and celebrate with me and our family?”

“What?!”

I repeated myself.

“Well, I still might go to my dad’s,” he said.

“And you might not,” I said.

“We’ll see,” he said, and then, “Let’s find out for sure.”

I told him I would ask his dad, knowing full well that I wouldn’t because I already know it won’t happen. So now it is my unhappy job to figure out when to break the news, and possibly come up with some distraction to soften the blow.

This is one of the most unfair parts of the job. I know no one ever said life would be fair, but this right here? This sucks.

This Close

Posted on September 10, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I am THIS CLOSE to telling the ex to stop even trying to bother. Over the past couple of months, he has cancelled his August visitation (which has happened three out of the past four years, probably even longer), and then immediately promised The Boy he would see him for Thanksgiving. His “plan” was to have his mom fly down, fly back with The Boy, and then he himself would fly down again with him to drop him off, and fly back. He claimed his mom offered to pay for her tickets, and he (the ex) would pay for his own and for The Boy’s. Did you count how many tickets that was?

I knew before the words were even out of his mouth that it wouldn’t happen, but per usual, just nodded my head, and said, “Sure.” And The Boy has continued talking about seeing his dad’s kitties in November (the only part of his trips he is verbally concerned with). And every time, I remind him that it might not happen, and I-don’t-want-you-to-get-too-disappointed-if-it-doesn’t-happen… “I know, Mom,” he says.

And he does.

The text came tonight, saying he couldn’t afford the airfare, but that his girlfriend has a cousin in our state who will be alone for Thanksgiving, so they might…

JUST STOP.

That plan won’t happen either, because you will ask me to drive four hours, one way, to the middle of nowhere the night before Thanksgiving to make this work for you, and when I won’t, it will be my fault again that you will have missed another opportunity to spend time with your son.

I’m over it.

He’s over it.

It’s so much energy on everyone’s part, and the only thing created is headache and disappointment. I am THIS CLOSE to asking him to quit trying.