Tag Archives: Relationships

Questions

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Lots of questions today.  As usual, in the car.

The Boy:”Why is it just you and me?”

Me: “What do you mean?  Are you asking why your dad and I got divorced?”

B: “Yeah.”

M: “Your dad and I just didn’t get along anymore.  That happens sometimes.”

B: “Are you going to change your last name?”

M: “If The Man and I get married, that will probably happen.”

B: “Will my name change too?”

M: “That’s up to you.  Do you want it to change?”

(no answer)

B: “Are you and The Man going to have any more kids?  Will I get a brother?”

M: “Nope.”

B: “Why not?”

M: “The Man and I are too old to have any more kids.  So it’ll be just you.”

B: “I’m going to have a bunch of kids.  A whole pile.”

M: “Don’t you think you better check with your wife first?”

B: “I’m going to have a lot of kids.”

—

This entire conversation took place in the space of about one minute.  Such heady stuff for a 10 year old.  I sometimes find it difficult not to let my surprise (that he’s asking about these things) show.  These are, of course, things that we have talked about before (OK, maybe not the “pile” of kids thing, but the other stuff).  I think he finds comfort in the consistency of my answers.  That’s my theory anyway.  I hope he does.

Dating and the Single Mom

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The second guy I dated post-divorce looked great on paper.  He was an engineer, about my age.  He had a daughter, so he knew what single parenting was like.  He not only listened to NPR, he liked the same programs I did.  And he read books.  We seemed to hit it off in our emails, and agreed to go out on a date after I returned from Spring Break (this was back in 2009).  We met for coffee and walked around town a bit.  It was OK, but I wasn’t sure about seeing him again. We get along well, and there were times when we were talking when I forgot I was on a first date with the guy. I had a good time. He was a bit geeky, but so am I. I just got the feeling that he said things because he thought he was supposed to say them, and I didn’t like that. I just wasn’t sure.

John Denver's Greatest Hits

John Denver’s Greatest Hits (Photo credit: thejcgerm)

The next week, I had tickets to see David Sedaris and no one to go with, so I figured I’d give the guy another chance because first dates can be nerve-wracking.  Afterwards, I tried to pinpoint the moment in the evening when I decided it was a no-go… Maybe it was the suggestion to go canoeing that weekend (I had already explained my aversion to camping-type activities)? Or was it the “Who is your favorite musician?” question (Really? Do people still ask things like that? And hello, I teach music!), or the revelation shortly thereafter that his favorite was John Denver?… Yes, we seemed to get along well, but he wasn’t all that interesting or funny, and he stared at me A LOT. Maybe it was the mention of going to some weekend-long bike race the following month… Or the thousand times he asked me something I’d already told him…

In any case, David Sedaris was hilarious, and it was well worth it all. I would follow that man on his book tour like a groupie if I didn’t have a day job.

And I learned a bit more about what I wanted and and more precisely, didn’t want in a partner.  Always a good thing to figure out when you are a dating single mom.

PS I’m not a John Denver hater.  His Christmas album with the Muppets gets played every year in my house.  But favorite musician of all time??…

Forgiveness

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I'm okay, you're... well, maybe not

I’m okay, you’re… well, maybe not (Photo credit: pdxjmorris)

Therapists are big on forgiveness, aren’t they?  The books I read post-divorce include forgiveness as a necessary step to healing.  In my own case, it’s been hard.

I had so much anger before, during, and after the divorce.  I placed all of the blame on the ex’s shoulders.  I had so many stories to tell, and people listening would shake their heads, amazed that I had put up with it for so long.  The day after my divorce was final, I remember sharing the news at work, and having others look at me funny because I wasn’t supposed to be so happy.

I reveled in my singlemomdom.  There was so much freedom.  Take a weekend trip with The Boy?  Why, I could, couldn’t I?  Buy a duvet cover with flowers on it?  Yes, please.  Fall asleep in a quiet house?  Heaven.  I also reveled in my anger and my indignation.  The ex was clearly the spawn of Satan, and I had been a saint to last as long as I had.

As time passed, and upon more reflection, I began to realize my part in the downfall of our marriage.  I realized that I had stopped communicating, that I had belittled him, that I had not been strong enough to fight him more on the big issues.  And that maybe he wasn’t the spawn of Satan.  Maybe.

Four years later, I am to the lovely point at which I am mostly indifferent.  The thought of this person that I was married to for ten years rarely even crosses my mind, if at all.  If it does, the thought is apathetic, with no real malice or anger.  He can live his life as he pleases, and it has nothing to do with me.

Except when it does.  When our little link is affected.  When his actions hurt our little boy, I get angry, I blame, I shake with emotion.  And this is why I am not, and don’t think I will ever be to the point of forgiveness.  Lots of moms have this fierce emotion, this snarling-mama-bear-oh-no-you-di’nt reaction, that I think is even ferocious in those of us with kids with special needs.  Because in many cases, our kids can’t express or process their emotions as well as the rest of us.  Because our kids already go through enough. Because we go through enough.  ENOUGH.

I can forgive strangers, because you can dismiss strangers as not knowing any better, being ignorant, or hateful, or stupid. But the ex is not a stranger, and he cannot be written off as ignorant.

It’s really hard to forgive someone who should be protecting his son as fiercely as I am.

And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it.

And I’m OK with that.

Fun Friday

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The Boy and I have created a tradition called Fun Friday.  It was born out of some evening scheduling problems we had which basically boiled down to The Boy thinking I could drive him all over God’s Green Earth to … Continue reading →

Essential Non-Apps for the Special Needs Parent

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Non-Apps?  What?

I like to think of them as the things you do with your kids, away from technology, that will make your life easier (and more fun).  Wouldn’t that be the definition of a non-app?

I recently wrote about an A-ha moment when expressing to The Boy how miserable meltdowns made the rest of us feel helped him to see that being cooperative made the people he loves happy, which is his greatest desire.  If he didn’t have that connection with me, he wouldn’t care. Here are some things that we do that help me connect with my child, which in the long run is my best defense against meltdowns, attitude, whining, etc.

1.  Take walks together.  My kid isn’t all that athletic.  OK, he isn’t athletic at all.  So to get him to get outside and be active is a tough thing when there isn’t a pool or the ocean nearby.  We take a walk almost daily, depending on the weather.  It is usually just a block or two, but it is free from distraction and we have some good talks about the big and the little things.

2.  We cuddle, and smush each other.  My son is 10, and some may think “too old” for this, but he benefits from the deep pressure, and it helps us connect.  He “wres-tles” (pronouncing the “t”) with The Man, which is way more manly, but has the same benefits.  I told him I had to “tackle” the kitchen today, and he said, “Go for the legs!”

3.  Read together.  Every year, we have a reading log sent home, and I am sure the expectation is that The Boy reads to me, but I often read to him.  He is a good reader.  He gets practice all day long at school, and I want to model good, natural reading to him, plus it’s a treat.  He can lay there listening (hopefully getting sleepy), and absorb common inflection and pacing while cuddling next to me.

4.  Being silly together.  I am lucky.  The Boy has an incredible sense of humor.  He loves jokes and word games.  Having private jokes together is another way to connect.

5.  Encouraging his talents.  Some obsessions are a little hard to deal with (like the summer he had to wear the same green shirt every day).  But as he has gotten older, most of his obsessions have become a little more useful.  Writing comics, knowing about every version of Windows that has ever come out, and being able to identify car makes and models even at night are easier to encourage; By not trying to constantly steer him away from the things he loves, I am validating that they have worth and value, and could lead to greater things.

What do you do to connect with your child?  Have you seen the benefits?  Tell us about it.

Nurturing the “Us”

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It is much easier with two.  Two people who can give each other a break from time to time.  The Man will often take The Boy to the park on a whim, or just for a ride in his truck (often ending with a trip to DQ).  I can’t tell you how much I love that, and appreciate him and am AMAZED at just having someone like him to do that.  The three of us are together only about every six weeks, and it’s not perfect all the time (what blended family is? For that matter, what typical family is?), but I appreciate it all the more because of the time when it is just we two, and I. am. it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love spending alone time with my son.  There aren’t words to describe the bond we have, and we are silly together and go on adventures together… We are lucky to like each other a great deal.  He is a fantastic kid, smart as a whip with an amazing sense of humor, an uncanny memory, and so many special talents.

But we have some dark times, too.  We have some days where a cloud hangs over him and just won’t let go.  We have days when I can do nothing right (in his eyes and/or my own), and it seems like tears are flowing from dawn until dusk.  My hair has been pulled, I have been punched, bitten, and kicked.  I have lost it myself, at the end of my rope, not having any inkling of what to do besides curl up and cry.

couple-hold-hands-in-silhouette-at-sunset-16no...

(Photo credit: mikebaird)

Having two of us to tag-team, as it were, prevents many (not all) of those dark times from getting that far.  If one of us is getting overwhelmed and irritated, the other will do something about it.  And THIS is how adult relationships survive around autism (and really in any family).  Brace yourself, because I’m going to say something controversial: Kids should not come first above all else.  That relationship between the adults is paramount, because if that falters, the support for the family disappears.  This is especially hard for us special needs parents to understand because our kids need us so much more than typical kids.  But then, our partners need us so much more than typical partners do, too, right?  Raising a special needs kid is hard.  We must take care of ourselves, and we must take care of our partners.  We must nurture the “us”.  If we make that a priority, we and our partners can take care of everybody else.  Together.

Thoughts?

Babies

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English: Baby Oliver

English: Baby Oliver (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Boy is an only child.  I am an only child.  Ergo, The Boy is rarely around babies.  When our Fantastic Babysitter asked if it was OK to bring her nephew last week while watching the boy, I thought, “OK, this will be new…” I wasn’t worried. More like curious.

The Boy doesn’t make much contact with others, unless he knows you really well, or unless you are into something that he is into (i.e. computers, comics, etc.).  That somehow accelerates your friendship to the I’m-going-to-drag-you-by-the-arm-to-show-you-something stage.  In any case, I was curious to see if he would be curious about this (5 month old) baby.

For awhile after the divorce, he would talk sometimes about someday getting a brother or sister, and wouldn’t that be cool.  I honestly don’t remember how I responded to those comments, if I did at all.  I knew I was done (meaning no more babies), but I wasn’t going to rule out the ex’s side of things, and I know I wouldn’t have stepped into that minefield.

So Fantastic Babysitter arrived, with her nephew in his carrier, and of course, I couldn’t help myself.  I began cooing and generally making a fool of myself over the little bundle of cuteness.  The Boy was right behind me watching all of this, taking it in.  At one point he gently but possessively grabbed my arm.  I asked if he was jealous, and he ignored me.  He wandered about the kitchen as Fantastic Babysitter and I talked.  After kissing The Boy, and reminding him to behave, I headed for the door.  As I left, Fantastic Babysitter was asking The Boy what he wanted to do.

They ended up going to Chuck E. Cheese.  She is so Fantastic, she can handle a 5 month old and a boy with autism at that place!  I bow to her.  They had fun, and I beat them home.

But I got the biggest smile of the evening (possibly of the week) when she texted me that The Boy was referring to himself as Uncle as he explained to the baby about the car trip back home, and everything that they were doing.

It seems no one can resist the charm of a baby.