Our Latest (Recurring) Challenge

Posted on March 28, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Boy and I are having issues again with things. There are things that he thinks he needs to either bring or wear to school or other places, yet he can’t keep track of his things in his maelstrom of a bedroom. Compound that with the fact that he is unable to search for things, and we have this recurring challenge – he will often stand in his room and look for things, but without picking up any of the million things that are lying on his floor or his bed. “I can’t FIND it!” he will yell, as if his room is a hidden object game where everything is visible if you just look hard enough…

Getting The Boy to clean his room is like pulling teeth. Getting him to keep it organized is nigh impossible (pulls out thirteen shirts by not being careful about only pulling out the one he needs). And then he can’t find what he needs, and the cycle continues.

Adding routines is the answer, although this is easier said than done. “I have to do MORE chores!!” he will exclaim when I ask him to put his clothes in the hamper, as if he can’t dirty his royal hands with them. Adding incentives to routines — yep! Come up with yet another chart and stickers, or something.

Tonight we sort out his room again, to look for the blue striped tie he is missing. Round and round we go, again…

The Other Part of Our Story: The Final Installment

Posted on March 27, 2013 by simpleijustdo

It was a messy summer. He left us without a vehicle for the fourth of July, so I had to rent one to get from place to place, and without my knowing, he had given our grill to a friend, so the backyard grilling I had planned for The Boy and I was almost derailed. But my mom suggested one of those “disposable”-type grills, and we were able to have our hotdogs and s’mores and watch the fireworks on our driveway. And we were OK.

I had waited so long at first because I had been raised Catholic – ’nuff said. And then I waited some more because I didn’t want to end up sharing The Boy. And then I waited some more because I wasn’t sure I could do it – be a single full-time parent to a child with special needs.

And then I realized I was already doing it all by myself. I didn’t have to share The Boy, and probably wouldn’t (I knew his dad would fail to keep his side of the parenting agreement). And frankly, religion had left me out in the cold with regards to my son and his needs. I knew he needed consistency. I knew he needed to not be yelled at, and not be spanked. I knew after the failed counseling that none of this would change, and even though I was scared to do it alone, our trip down south reminded me that it could be better.

The ex moved out at the end of the summer. We were arguing about who was going to pay what bills (I got stuck with piles of bills that had been left unpaid for years, he got stuck with an extra vehicle in his name). I attempted to buy a car and almost couldn’t because of the state in which he had left my credit. His mother attempted to sue me for money she had given us for my graduate school. It was a messy, horrible time.

And then he moved out of the state. And then he defaulted on the divorce papers. And then after four months, we were divorced – the judge waived the normal six month waiting period due to the fact that the ex hadn’t paid any support, and had already moved out of the state. And I had full legal and physical custody of The Boy.

Financially and emotionally, it was a difficult time. But I always knew I had made the right decision. And it just kept getting better and better. Yes, I still have to deal with the ex’s antics from time to time, but as my attorney recently pointed out to me, I can do whatever I want. And it is so much better at this end of the tunnel.

Thanks to my Village

Posted on March 24, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our crisis-of-the-week has apparently averted. Fantastic Babysitter is doing me a huge favor and providing The Boy a place to stay for a night and transportation to meet the ex on the day he requested. The ex has relented (and apparently forgotten the crazy-making way he treated me/us) and has agreed to pick The Boy up according to the new plan. How could he say no?

If left to my own devices, this would not have been possible. If not for a friend at work who suggested the plan and insisted that I was not “giving in” to the ex if I were able to make it happen, I would have resisted making any concessions, or lifting a finger to aid that man. If not for Fantastic Babysitter, it wouldn’t even be possible.

And before you raise an eyebrow and think to yourself, “But what if he doesn’t show up?”, we got that covered, too. Again, thanks to Fantastic Babysitter (Now do you see why I call her that??).

Thanks to my friends who help me whether I know I need it or not. Thanks to my village, that helps me raise my child and be a better mom (and a better person). Thanks to them, this will turn out OK.

As Prepared as a Boy Scout

Posted on March 22, 2013 by simpleijustdo

To-do list book. (Photo credit: koalazymonkey)

I have done what I can to prepare for possibilities.

I have prepared The Boy for the possibility of coming with me rather than going to his dad’s for spring break. “But I’ll miss the cats!” he whimpered. After a few minutes, he was OK.
I have offered the ex a way to pick The Boy up on the day he prefers, and he has not responded. You see, I have deflated his sails, and he doesn’t know how to respond without losing face.
I have contacted my attorney to make sure we are as prepared as possible if (and that’s a big if) he decides to follow through.

I can’t do any more besides try to let the anxiety go. (As Grandma always said, “Do your best and that’s all you can do.“)

Today, I am back to running errands, planning to do taxes, getting an oil change. Taking care of things that need to be taken care of before a trip, and in so doing, attempting to let the stress of the last week go, come what may. I am as prepared as possible.

Threats and Knots

Posted on March 21, 2013 by simpleijustdo

You know how some people thrive on conflict, and when they can’t find any create some on which to feed? Yeah, that’s not me. When my parents (very rarely) argued when I was little, I would crawl under tables and hide in closets and they weren’t even shouting at each other. Conflict ties my stomach in knots and makes me head for the bathroom.

The ex is one of those that thrives on conflict. He also has anger issues, so things can escalate quickly, loudly, and threateningly. Today, he has threatened to contest our move down south. Not when I told him we were moving in December. Not on February 10 which was the last time he spoke to his son until Monday. Nope. Today. Why? Because he isn’t happy that I am unable and unwilling to adjust my vacation plans (i.e. cut my vacation short by 2 days) to accommodate his inability to pick up his son in a timely fashion for his visitation on spring break.

Luckily, this escalation was all via text, and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. My side: all business (the parenting agreement states… I can meet you on these dates… it is your visitation, so you need to make the arrangements). His side: all bluster (expletive… don’t you dare threaten me… I will contest your move… you might be very nervous come this spring). All in text, all documented.

And my stomach is in knots.

And I’ve contacted my attorney.

The Other Part of Our Story, Part II

Posted on March 19, 2013 by simpleijustdo

He moved into the basement. He finally consented to the counseling I had been asking for since The Boy was a baby, six years previous (he had always insisted, “We can solve our own problems”), although he considered it an ultimatum from me, which it was. We attended three sessions together where he did most of the talking. After the third session, we had an assignment to list all of the things that we thought the other person misunderstood about us, and then we were to share our lists with each other.

I read my carefully crafted list of maybe six items. He then read his three page diatribe about everything that was wrong with me, how his family and friends really felt about me, and about how I was such a bitch. Then he accused me of throwing something at his head in an argument we had had when The Boy was a baby.

(The real story was, he had thrown something at me, while I was holding The Boy, at maybe three months old. And I had almost left that day. I did bundle The Boy up and went for a long walk in the cold and snow. I finally decided against it because babies have so much stuff and it would be very difficult to move everything.)

After he had lied about that argument, and completely twisted the assignment, showing he had no faith in the counseling, I knew it was time to stop fighting, and time to let go.

From our vacation that June…

The Boy and I left town after school was out, on our annual week-long vacation to my parents’ house. The ex rarely came, and definitely did not come this time. I took my ring off for the trip, and never did put it back on. I decided while there that I would file for divorce when I returned, and I did.

Final installment soon…

The Other Part of Our Story

Posted on March 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We hadn’t been happy together since The Boy was born. For whatever reason, the ex never bonded with him, and had a hard time accepting that my attention was now divided. He also had a very hard time with the diagnosis, never really understanding autism, and even after hearing a psychologist tell us that it was definitely autism, he still believed The Boy just needed some discipline, and that I was coddling him. Hence the yelling and spanking.

My friends tell me stories of the years after The Boy was born that I do not remember. They tell me that one night I had to call a friend to take me to the emergency room because I was exhausted and dehydrated, and that she came to pick me up, and the ex was sitting right there ignoring us, putting his basketball shoes on, and then stepped over me on the floor as he left.

“garage” by nightthree via flickr

The winter before the end of our marriage, the ex was laid off, as he usually was in the winter. He had a bachelor’s degree but refused to use it, and so did menial, seasonal labor (still does). He stayed home all day, playing video games and watching TV, mostly Bill Maher. I would come home from work, and most sentences would begin, “Bill Maher says…” as if he didn’t have his own brain. He was paranoid (thanks to the pot smoking, I think), and insisted that his life was the way it was because the man was out to get him. I mostly ignored him, which was easy, because he spent most of his time in the garage smoking pot when I was home.

In May, right after Mothers’ Day, I got a call during the day. I was at a conference two hours from home, and I had to go outside to take it. He had decided I was a bitch, I never listened to him, and he was leaving. He was going to stay at his mother’s out of state. Of course it wasn’t all that matter of fact. There was much more swearing, yelling, and name calling, but I was panicked and in tears when the phone call was over. I left immediately, and raced home, calling friends alternately on the ride home. My first stop was the bank, where I did what I could to secure our money from leaving with him. And then I headed home, to find him sitting there, saying he didn’t have enough money to get “home”.

~ to be continued… ~

Visitation Means He’s Supposed to Visit You…

Posted on March 14, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I just spoke with the ex about spring break plans. He is supposed to have The Boy for the week, and I just never know what’s up, it seems, until the last minute. I texted him the other night, asking him if he was planning on having The Boy for the week, and he said he was. We spoke this evening, and I’ve noticed that recently, he has been trying to do some Jedi mind-meld deal like tonight when he said, “So we’re going to do Saturday to Saturday again?”

We have never, ever done Saturday to Saturday, but I think he thinks that if he says it that way, I will go, “Yeah! That sounds good!”

Does he not remember that we were married for ten years, and never once was I ditzy enough to fall for that kind of crap, and in the almost five years since the divorce, never once have I been inclined to do anything but tell him how it’s going to be? Because realistically, and according to our court documents, his visitation starts the evening of the last day of school for The Boy (Thursday) and runs through the day before we return (Sunday). And I am not inclined to give him an inch, especially when he has the track record he does.

I explained my plans, and since he knows that I am still doing him a huge favor by meeting him (or his parents, whoever comes to pick up The Boy) about three hours from home (saving him 6 hours in one trip), he agreed. At least for now. He could always call the night before and cancel the whole thing. If that happens, no worries. The Boy and I are used to it by now.

An Apology to Dav Pilkey… Sort Of…

Posted on March 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

“This is the story about Tippy Tinkletrousers, and how he didn’t really die at the end of the last epic novel…”

So the follow up book to the last Captain Underpants book, which really, really upset The Boy (and I suspect a lot of kids his age), with a rather graphic death on its last pages has been released (Captain Underpants and the Revolting Revenge of the Radioactive Robo-Boxers). I stood in the store and read the beginning, wondering how Pilkey would get himself out of it. Sure enough, there was an explanation: It was “misdirection”, and weren’t we stupid adults for complaining about something that never happened. In fact, the whole second chapter is about how stupid adults are for squashing all the fun that any kid ever attempts to have, and its because its easier for us adults to yell at kids than reflect on our own sad lives.

I’m not going to get in an offended huff, because just like a lot of satire, there are grains of truth to what he says.

But. I didn’t get offended by that book until my kid got upset. My son was not laughing at the ending of that book (and frankly, I would have found it more than a little disturbing if he was laughing at what was represented as a graphic death). My son didn’t get your joke, and certainly was not familiar with the concept of misdirection.

So, Mr. Pilkey, I guess it was all a trick, and I’m a stupid parent to get offended at what was represented as a graphic death that wasn’t really a graphic death. But, does that mean the next chapter is going to be deriding the stupid kids who were upset by the same thing?

On Being Older

Posted on March 5, 2013 by simpleijustdo

By ArtisticZen

This past weekend was The Man’s birthday. I may have mentioned that there is a considerable difference between our ages, and he would much prefer me to be in my 40s than still in my 30s. He would also like me to have a few grey hairs. He would be much more comfortable if I was a tad older, but there’s not much we can do about that, so he will have to remain just shy of his comfort zone on this one.

Besides the two times since we’ve been dating that he has been mistaken for my father (ouch!), it hasn’t really been an issue, and in reality, neither of us thinks about it much. We get along so well, and rarely run out of things to talk about, as some would suspect a couple with such a sizeable age difference might experience. It just doesn’t matter.

We have differences of opinion, sure. But not on the big things, the things that matter. Sometimes he will reminisce about something that happened in the seventies or from before I was born, and we sometimes giggle about that. He’ll say, “Oh, don’t you remember that? You were two.”

We’re safe on the “half your age plus seven” rule, and besides that, we’re both adults. Neither of us has a a ton of money to chase, neither of us is a hot supermodel (although we are still extremely attracted to each other, even after three years). There are no ulterior motives, so it’s a non-issue. Besides, in another 20 years, who knows what we’ll look like?!