A Different IKEA Effect on Singlemomdom

Posted on February 10, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I can remember living in the same house the three of us lived in, only after the divorce, and the toilet seat broke. Having a broken toilet seat is not just something you can live with, so I needed to solve the problem for myself, especially with an octogenarian landlord. I went and purchased a new seat, and installed it myself, and for the first time, I realized that I really could do this being single thing.

After dividing up our assets, I needed some new furniture. At the very least, I needed new things to look at if I had to stay in the same house. My parents had come up to stay for a month or so, to help me purchase a car and get things settled before the school year started. Enter IKEA. I think I spent $800 in one day. I had never, ever spent that much money in one place at one time, ever in my life. But as some of you may know, $800 goes a long way at IKEA.

And as you may also know, IKEA purchases are almost always un-assembled, meaning you have to put them together. It was a project, but with my parents’ help, we got it done, and it really started to feel like a different place, with my personal touches (including a duvet cover with flowers on it, just because I could).

And since that time, I have made more purchases, always putting it all together myself. And every time it reminds me of how strong I have become, how capable, and how independent one can be, even when they don’t know it. IKEA was good therapy for this single mom, and I suspect for many others out there. If you are struggling with the emotions of a divorce, get yourself to an IKEA store, bring home a project, build it yourself, and give yourself a little reminder that yes, indeed, you can do this.

For the record, this post was inspired by this story on NPR, and also for the record, not all IKEA furniture is pressboard junk.

The Look

Posted on February 9, 2013 by simpleijustdo

You know the saying about there being a fine line between bravery and stupidity?

Increasingly, I have been getting “the look” from people I know and work with. The look that says the person can’t quite tell which one I am, brave or stupid. This “idea” of giving it all up and moving south. “Is she really gonna do it?” is what that look says. Mostly it’s people who don’t know me too well, because the people who know me well also know it isn’t an “idea” — it’s a reality.

I can understand the look. I can understand the thought process behind it. But the truth is, my parents prepped me for big moments like this the entire time I was growing up. Education, education, education was the key to independence, independence, independence. For a long, long time, I assumed it was freedom from depending on someone else. But it isn’t just independence from other people. It’s also independence as my own person. Independence from a job, career path, lifestyle, society, thought, etc. The ability to think for myself and know myself enough to know when to walk away. To walk toward something simpler, easier, more satisfying. Toward a smaller pile of money, sure, but much more happiness. And not just for me, but for my boy, too.

And it’s not all that easy. Some things will be infinitely harder down there. But there will be love. Lots of love. And I guess I never quite stopped believing that love is enough, especially now that I know what true love feels like.

The most interesting part about “the look”? Mixed in with all of the incredulity, disbelief, and sizing up?

There’s more than a little jealousy in there, too.

Strategy for Meltdown Recovery (For Mom!)

Posted on February 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

In the immediate aftermath of a “rough morning” (which usually includes some lost thing, screaming, blaming, slammed doors, etc…) I am shaken. Someone will say “Good Morning!” and I can barely respond. I will often cry in the car on the way to work, not for a specific hurt, but because it is a release from the anxiety and tension that were at sky-high levels only moments ago.

Usually, a rough morning means a crappy day, because I am distracted and upset, which leads to less focus on work, which leads to less work getting done, and so on…

But today, I made a split second decision that helped me recover. I decided to take the surface streets to work instead of the express way, and I decided to stop at a convenience store that I know carries my favorite sweet tea. I picked up my tea and some peanut butter crackers, and happily munched and drank on my way to work. By the time I got there, I was MUCH better off than I usually am on a rough morning. I won’t always have the time to do this, because rough mornings often lead to being late to work, but I have found a coping strategy that works, and it makes me happy.

Tackling a Few Myths About Autism

Posted on February 7, 2013 by simpleijustdo

How can there still be so much misinformation about autism? I understand that there is a lot of research going on, and there is still a lot that is unknown, but really? Here are a few common misconceptions:

People with autism do not have empathy.

My son has empathy. There have been times (like on my birthday a few years ago), where I thought he lacked a shred of it, but there have been times that he has comforted me when I was crying or upset, or just needed a hug. In fact there are many who will say that people on the spectrum have too much empathy, and that is why they have to distance themselves from others, because they just feel too much. I particularly like Diary of a Mom’s post on this subject.

People with autism are either really good at things or really bad at things.

I believed this one for awhile, too, thinking The Boy was just really, really smart. At everything. And he is extremely bright. But you know what? He doesn’t get math too well. He has a great ear for music, is a wonderful speller, doesn’t like to read a whole bunch, although he can, and at a high level of comprehension. But math is not his best subject. I used to think it was because he didn’t like it, which is partly true. Truth be told, he struggles with it, and I’m not sure I can say it’s just because he’d rather be playing video games. But he doesn’t fail math either. In fact, he usually gets Cs.

People with autism do not have good eye contact.

This is one of the reasons I was not so sure he was on the spectrum in the very early days. In everything I had heard, this was the number one “sign your child may have autism” and it just didn’t bear true for The Boy. He was a happy, giggly boy, and did not avoid eye contact as an infant, toddler, or small child. It is more apparent now, but this is not a hard and fast rule for all children on the spectrum, by any means.

People with autism may not have it forever.

This site, which attempts to address some myths about autism, actually has this listed as fact, rather than a myth! This is basic stuff, here people. There is no cure. Autism is a neurological disorder, and you cannot “fix” a neurological disorder. You can, with early intervention and therapy “retrain the brain” to function more typically, but autism is for keeps. And this “research that shows you may outgrow autism” consists of one study. With fewer than 40 participants. What’s really at work here is those early interventions and therapies allowing those with autism to be able to function more typically in society, rather than not having autism anymore. They just hide it better. (Won’t it be a great day when our children don’t have to hide their true selves?)

What are some other myths you’ve encountered?

DIY Magnetic Menu Planner

Posted on February 6, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I plan our dinners (and lunches) weekly, and go grocery shopping every Sunday. I hate shopping on Sunday, especially when there are no freakin’ carts left, but try as I might, I haven’t been able to switch to a better day. Besides, I suspect our particular grocery store is crowded at all hours of every day of the week. It’s an insane place to be.

While browsing on Pinterest for great ideas, I have often come across the cute little menu planner for the week. This is not something I really need, but I kinda want to put one together for a few different reasons:

I tend to get into ruts, where we eat the same things week in and week out.
I want to try to use the groceries that I buy for the meals I intend, so that there’s less waste at the end of the week.
I tend to forget to defrost stuff when necessary.
I want to motivate myself to continue cooking throughout the week, rather than resorting to McDonald’s or pizza because I’m too tired to try to remember what I had planned for the week.

But I think it can safely be said that mine’s a little different than all the others you’ll see on Pinterest. You’ll see how in a bit…

I started with good old Microsoft Word. I didn’t want to write out every single meal, and all of the ingredients on the back, so I opened up Word, went to “Tools”, selected “Labels”, and clicked on “Mail Merge”. This brought up a page of label-shaped cells, and I typed the name of my typically used recipes into each cell. I’m not going to bother putting the ingredients on them, because thanks to Pinterest, I can look it up with a click or two, and I usually build the bulk of my grocery list sitting in front of my computer, anyway. And truth be told, I make most of these so often, I already know what’s in them.

My next step was to print off the “labels” on cardstock, and cut them up (using my cropping tool for scrapbooking for nice straight lines), and then laminating them. I don’t think laminating is necessary, but it will keep the cards nicer for longer. Then I used some adhesive magnet tape to adhere a small magnet strip to each one.

Now I needed a surface, so I used a small cookie sheet that I no longer need, and covered it with contact paper. Here’s how mine is different – I faced the raised edges of the pan towards the wall, so that I can store unused recipe magnets inside for the week. You may also notice that other DIY-ers have used cookie sheets and magnets, but only my recipe cards themselves are magnetized. See? I told you mine is different!

Finally, I used some scrapbooking materials and tools to make it pretty, and mounted the board in my kitchen with those 3M velcro hangers. Now I have a visual reminder of what meals are planned for the week! As I try more recipes from Pinterest (or anywhere!), I can easily add more cards to the mix.

His Latest Obsession

Posted on February 5, 2013 by simpleijustdo

His latest obsession is killing me. Ever since he returned home from being at his dad’s for two weeks, it has been non-stop cats: dressing like a cat (which consists of sticking a scarf in your pantwaist), meowing, crawling on the floor, and talking about “Gary”, his imaginary cat.

The Boy’s hands after he returned from his dad’s in January…

Today, I snapped. Not feeling well and trying to get some rest, I asked if we could take a break from the meowing. And as soon as the words left my lips I knew what a mistake I had made. You just can’t suggest that he take a break from his obsession. That would be like asking someone to take a break from their career. It’s not that easy.

But it’s driving me batty. Mostly because I can’t really help him make this one useful. And he keeps asking about when he can get a cat, and when I will outgrow my allergy. And I’m not a huge fan of cats to begin with. If the “visitor cat” were coming around, he’d get his fix that way, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around with multiple inches of snow on the ground.

And so. I’m at an impasse. And slowly going insane.

Bec at snagglebox.com wrote an amazing post about this very topic. I think I need to re-read it a few hundred times to get me through this.

Schools and the “Quick-Fix” Solution

Posted on February 4, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I don’t often write about school, neither mine nor The Boy’s because it puts me in a precarious position. And I just don’t want to go there. Yet.

But there is one thing that I think I can safely generalize about public school systems today, and that is the preponderance of “band-aids”: quick-fix measures to address very real, very big problems. These “measures” are often implemented in a hurried fashion, without much forethought, and end up being a patch-as-you-go solution which doesn’t really work for anyone, but is there so that we can say we have it.

For instance, after Newtown, The Boy’s school realized that in the morning and afternoons, they were allowing parents (and virtually anyone) unfettered access to the school due to drop-off and pick-up for Kids Club (but also clubs and other sponsored events after hours). The day following Newtown, the door was locked in the morning. No letter home, no signs on the door. Nothing. Because we are almost always first to school, we had to pound on the door to get the custodian to come and open it up for us. Later that same week was The Boy’s school band concert, held during the school day, and every single parent attending the concert had to be buzzed in, and had to report to the office, sign in, and get a visitors badge. That’s about 100 people!

some old fire alarm bells by hpeguk from flickr

some old fire alarm bells (by hpeguk via flickr)

After break, they had installed a new bell to push, which rings in the gym so that a kids club worker can answer the door. Can you imagine how often those people are running back and forth (as opposed to, you know, supervising children)? And what if the person is ringing to be let in for some club other than kids club? Do they let them in if they don’t recognize them? And what if there is an event going on in the gym, like a parent meeting, concert, or girls scout ceremony, and that bell rings? Not to mention that the bell is loud, and rings like an old fashioned fire alarm… Yup. A fire alarm sound for all of those kids on the spectrum. Going off about every 4 minutes. How nice.

And the response to people who ask these questions is, “We’re working on it.”

I get it. You want to make your school safe, and you want to make it safe now (although, why this wasn’t considered after Columbine, I don’t know). Except that a little notification, and some planning and forethought (and maybe a little money spent) upfront would go a lot further than a piecemeal, thoughtless plan like this, that is still being “worked on”.

This is where schools look unprofessional, because it really is. And this is only an example of the many “band-aids” I witness myself and hear about from others like this, almost on a daily basis. I know educators are short on time and money, but those are really just excuses. There is no sense in not doing something right the first time, from the get-go, with a carefully thought out plan. And there really is no excuse.

The R-Word, Again

Posted on February 3, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Why am I writing about this again? Because I’m still encountering the word, almost daily. Granted I work with middle schoolers, but really? Most of them know better than to say it, at least around me. It’s the rest of the world that hasn’t gotten the clue, yet…

Here are the most common arguments I see on the internet, about why we special needs moms need to chill out about this:

It’s just a word. Yep, like the n-word, or any other label for any other minority in the country. If it’s just a word, go into any urban area and start using these words, and then let’s see if it’s still “just a word”.
Retarded is a medical term. It is actually being replaced in the DMS-5, and is really still only used in insurance paperwork and research. In fact the term “mental retardation” began to be used because the previous term used for the condition was deemed offensive. This argument didn’t work for long back then, either.
You are trying to be the word police, and I have First Amendment rights. Go ahead and use the word, as long as you use it in job interviews, when you meet your girlfriend’s parents, when trying to get a bank loan, and any other time you want to put your best foot forward. Huh, you say you don’t want to do that? Then maybe that’s a clue that it’s a word that makes you look like you have a stunted vocabulary.
It’s not really aimed at people with intellectual disabilities. I would never say that term to someone’s face. Well, that’s even better! You would use it behind someone’s back. Continue using it and wearing T-shirts with the word on it, so that I can steer clear of you. If you censor yourself around certain people, who knows what you are saying about your friends behind their backs!
It doesn’t really hurt anyone. I can still remember being at a family Christmas right around the time when we finally got a diagnosis of autism for The Boy, and his uncle called him a “spaz”. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I was thankful that The Boy didn’t hear it, but words really do hurt.

Do you think the people who tweeted these disgusting, nasty things about Gabby Giffords were just using it as a slang term?

Do you want to be lumped in with them? Because you will be. Arguing that you aren’t using it “like that” won’t get you anywhere. It’s time to drop the word from your vocabulary. It’s a losing battle.

The Common Sense Bride (Who Has Done It Before)

Posted on February 2, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Getting engaged has meant a mixture of emotions, many expected, and yet some unexpected. And of course, now there’s Pinterest. And anyone who has a Pinterest account has a wedding board of some kind – everyone. This is a bit of a peek into the minds of the young brides out there who are planning their little hearts out (or more accurately, their bank accounts out).

You see, I did the whole big wedding thing the first time around, and I don’t begrudge them that at all. But.

Pinterest has a way of giving you great ideas while also imposing some sort of expectation of craftiness. Many mommy bloggers have written about the inability to “live up to” their Pinterest-ideal, as if it was some sort of new gold standard. And now the brides have set themselves up for that, as well. And this can only end in disappointment and exhaustion. I can see those weary young ladies, staying up all night to craft this or that x300 guests for their wedding. And then on to the next detail.

And the “resources” for the modern bride? The $10-20 bridal magazine that is 99% advertisements for dresses (and since you will only wear one dress [okay, there is a high-dollar trend to have two dresses, one for the ceremony and one for the reception *gulp*], it’s really not that good of a return on your investment, especially when there’s this thing called the internet where you could find all of those dresses without paying the extra money for the magazine… but I digress…), the “advice” blogs who dictate who gets to wear veils, and who doesn’t, and that yes, you should definitely provide your guests with favors because they will remember the details… I call BS. How many weddings have you been to? Do you remember who gave favors and who didn’t? I certainly don’t. I can’t even recall a single favor I have received, that’s how little I cared about them, and those brides who did have them could have saved a ton of cash, time, and sanity if they had forgone that one detail.

I read one piece of good advice recently, and it was this: decide on the three aspects of your shindig on which you would like to splurge a bit, and keep it to three. Mine would be photography, bouquet, and dress. But you have to understand that for me, $300 will be splurging (and we may be talking silk flowers, and a photography student from the community college, here…).But while I have ideas of what I’d like, I do not have my heart set on anything in particular (and I know that The Man will have ideas, too. We’ll be making decisions together). I have the perspective of the Second-Time Bride who has realized the most important thing is something you can’t buy or craft from Pinterest. It’s the love and partnership of the one you are marrying. Nothing else really matters.

Crafty Gift Review

Posted on February 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I know I shared some of the crafty gifts I was giving for Christmas this past year, but I couldn’t share them all because some of my loved ones actually read my blog! And I realized today that I can share them now (now, that it’s February…)

This is a tote bag I picked up from Hobby Lobby for $3. I also used sprayable fabric paint, and contact paper for the stencil (which I downloaded from Martha Stewart). I traced the stencil onto clear contact paper with a sharpie, and then cut it out, and applied it to the front of the bag. I was able to use the stencil twice (I made two bags), although I did have a few small tears that I had to pay special attention to with the second bag. Once the stencil was applied, I used the spray-paint, also found at Hobby Lobby, and let it sit. When dry, I peeled back the stencil, leaving this:

I also made some large prints like these, but made it much easier on myself by using large poster frames (which were 70% off at Michael’s) rather than trying to use spray adhesive or mod podge to attach them to MDF or foam core board. Then when they inevitably fade, I can replace them with new ones. The three prints altogether cost me about $3 at Staples. I think the three frames together came to about $20 at Michael’s:

Finally, in the picture above, you can also see my little silhouette project, which was way easier than it looked and brought tears to my mom’s eyes. I used this tutorial (although getting The Boy to be still enough to get a sideways shot of his head was easier said than done – I managed to get one while he was asleep), and here is a larger shot of the outcome: