Instruction Manual

Posted on March 17, 2014 by simpleijustdo

By Mestigoit

Whenever the ex re-enters The Boy’s life, I feel like he needs a new instruction manual. He doesn’t communicate all that regularly with him, and even then asks open-ended questions, which are difficult for those in the spectrum. I had to interrupt, get on the phone and remind him that yes or no questions work better and to keep trying when he spoke to The Boy this weekend, because I could hear the frustration in his voice, and could tell he was getting ready to quit trying to engage him in conversation.

When he goes to visit him in April, what will they talk about? He has no idea what The Boy’s interests are, or his friend’s names, or how he likes to spend his time.

Does he remember that he needs time for transitions? Does he remember that raising your voice is risky? Does he have any idea what he likes to eat?

No, he doesn’t. Because that’s what happens when you don’t see your kid for an entire year, and only attempt to talk to him every six weeks or so. That is what happens when you don’t have a relationship with someone on the spectrum.

I worry, but there’s not much I can do. There’s no instruction manual for any of us. Much of parenting is figuring it all out as you go along. Some of us have figured out that building a strong relationship with our kiddos makes things so much easier. Others of us haven’t figured that out yet.

An Unusual Space

Posted on March 17, 2014 by simpleijustdo

I am in an unusual space, and it has me a bit disoriented.

I am in a hotel room by myself, while my husband and son are hours away. It’s the first night I’ve spent away from my husband since before we were married, and it’s the first trip I’ve taken like this since I-can’t-remember-when.

And it feels weird.

Not bad weird, and not good weird. Just weird. To be truthful, I was kind of looking forward to some time all to myself, a rare thing anymore these days. I value my alone-time and protect it fiercely, even getting slightly miffed at The Man when he’s running late in the morning, savoring those precious ten minutes when I am alone in the house and it. is. silent.

Maybe it’s from all those years of being a band teacher, but I crave silence. And there isn’t much of it in our house because the TV is always on. I don’t begrudge it, really – everyone has to have a vice, and I’m glad The Man isn’t hooked on anything worse. But I have to admit I miss the quiet more than I thought I would.

So I was looking forward to some time to myself with no Family Guy, no Weather Channel, no squawks on the could-be-a-meltdown-radar… But I miss my boys, and I’m cranky.

In the meantime, I’ll soak up the silence while I can get it. It’s too bad it can’t be bottled. 🙂

Time and Space

Posted on March 11, 2014 by simpleijustdo

After the divorce, The Boy talked to his dad about once a week on the phone. At least, his dad did most of the talking, unsure of how to get him to respond, and frequently pissed off because The Boy didn’t speak much at all. Over the years, his contact with The Boy has decreased dramatically, as I somehow knew it would, sooner or later.

The ex hasn’t seen his son in almost a year. He hasn’t spoken to him since January 23.

People rarely change, unless they invite it, seek it, and educate themselves to effect it. None of these, unfortunately, apply to the ex. Unfortunately for The Boy, who will probably always have a strained relationship with his dad, if he has one at all. And unfortunately for the ex, who obviously hasn’t a clue what he is missing, and won’t be able to get this missed time with his son back.

Luckily for The Boy, I think he notices it less now that he has a step-dad around, full-time. One who takes him for rides in the truck, wrestles with him, jokes with him, and obviously cares about him. The Man will never replace his dad, but he sure makes up for what his dad lacks in his life. And that’s a good thing. Couldn’t get much better, in fact.

Middle of the Night

Posted on March 10, 2014 by simpleijustdo

Every once in awhile, I come across some book or movie, something that speaks to me in a profound way, and I just have to share it.

The Man and I love to watch old movies. Turner Classic Movies is our fall back, and we check to see what’s on every night of the week. The Man often falls asleep to it, and sometimes wakes up to it. Last night, as so often happens, he fell asleep, and I realized I was awake and started watching “Middle of the Night” from 1959 with Fredric March and Kim Novak.

You’ve probably never heard of it, but the script was by the same person who wrote “Marty,” which you probably have heard of if you know anything about old movies. I’ve seen “Marty” and liked it – gritty and realistic about what it’s like to be lonely with little chance of finding love. “Middle of the Night” is even better, and it’s unfortunate that it isn’t as well known.

Why am I writing about this old movie no one’s ever heard of? Because it still has relevance, and I empathized with its characters, as some of you might, as well.

Fredric March plays a 50-something business man, which was considered teetering on old age back then, while Kim Novak plays his 24 year-old secretary with whom he falls in love. I won’t give the whole plot away, but suffice it to say that even in 1959, their families didn’t take too kindly to the age disparity in their relationships. And in their own way, their friends and family began to tear away at what they had with their well-intentioned interference. Saying how much they cared for them, not wanting them to make a mistake they would regret, cautioning them against being impetuous, they needled and cajoled and turned something positive into something negative until the couple was bickering and on the verge of breaking up.

Luckily, my own friends and family were largely supportive of The Man and I. But there were some who were (and are) not. And it hurts to have people who love you not be happy for you, out of misplaced “concern” for you. And ultimately, they either accept your relationship, or you have to move on, and if not sever your relationship with them, at least keep them at a distance. Because that kind of negativity will tear anyone down, and no one needs that.

In any case, this is an old movie that still resonates today, and I highly recommend it. It’s amazing how little people change.

The Tuba is Here

Posted on March 5, 2014 by simpleijustdo

It seems the crisis has passed, although I have had to email the band director to find out the current assignments, and to ask him to make changes to his last quarter grade based on the tests I had sent him on video. I think “maintenance” will be required within our new arrangement, but I don’t think they will again try to steamroll me into something that just isn’t right.

The tuba has arrived, and I again thank all of my readers that tried to help. I actually found a decent one on ebay, and it is a smaller, easier size for The Boy to handle. It isn’t pretty, but it does work, and hopefully we can work from where we are now.

According to the director, The Boy has begun playing more in class, but is still having problems starting with everyone else. I had asked to come in and take video to do some reverse modeling, as suggested by the autism specialist, but the director was not comfortable having me come in to do that – just wanted me to “explain” to The Boy when to start playing. So we continue to play this game, with him pretending like he is making accommodations and modifications, when he really just doesn’t get it, and isn’t going to lift a finger to try.

But I see progress, and I’ve stopped them from going down the usual path when they encounter a kid who “doesn’t meet the criteria,” so maybe, just maybe they’ll think twice before doing it to the next kid.

The Lego Movie: An Autism Mom’s Review

Posted on March 4, 2014 by simpleijustdo

Last weekend, Grammy and I took The Boy to see the Lego Movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you should. It is delightful, and not just for children.

The main reason I enjoyed it was the message. For years, I have lamented the lack of room for creativity in today’s schools. I used to have a poem somewhere about how school crushes creativity by creating sameness, and the paradox is that in a society that claims to celebrate the individual, the opposite is usually the case, at least as I have observed.

When I was young, I was involved in Odyssey of the Mind, which was a contest in creativity, giving kids the parameters of a problem, and seeing how they could solve the problem. I don’t even know if it exitsts anymore, but I doubt kids today would have any interest in something like that, let alone excel in it, and it’s through no fault of their own.

The Boy’s building – no instructions! – constructed at the Lego exhibit at the museum last year

In fact, Legos themselves have changed over the years, increasingly being sold in kits with directions on how to make something specific, rather than a bucket of bricks with which to make anything a kid desires. This can create problems in an autism household when a specific brick goes missing, and therefore the directions cannot be followed! I posted about a fix for this a long while ago, but directions can become a problem, for sure. The message of the movie, surprisingly, was that it doesn’t have to be that way. That there is a benefit in following the directions, and teamwork, but that it has to be balanced with individual desires, and creative thinking.

From the autism mom’s perspective, I watched my son actively engaged throughout the movie, often laughing loudly, and catching lots of the subtle jokes. It was fantastic to see him enjoy it so much. And Grammy and I enjoyed it thoroughly, as well. If you haven’t gone, you need to. There’s a reason it’s still in the theaters!

Happy Birthday to My Man

Posted on March 3, 2014 by simpleijustdo

The Man and I have just celebrated being married for 8 months, and today is his birthday.

If you’ve been following along, he and I have known each other for years, and I started to crush on him pretty hard after I got divorced. He has also known The Boy for years, and often entertained him when we were on vacation down here with my parents. He even taught him to ride a bike, and has recently succeeded in getting him to stand up on the surfboard while riding a wave in by himself – such a triumph after years of “lessons”!

He was nervous about getting married, but has since settled in, and enjoys marriage now, as do I. Quite simply put, he’s my best friend, I love spending time with him, he makes me laugh, and we are good together.

There is also a considerable age difference between us, which has always bothered him more than it has bothered me. He often wishes I had some grey hairs so people wouldn’t mistake him for my dad (this has only happened a few times, although it is irritating), but I think over time, he has seen that it rarely comes up, and isn’t an issue in the least.

He is a good man, and I am so lucky to have him. And for the next seven months, he is only sixteen years older than me, rather than seventeen. Happy Birthday to The Man, The Only Man For Me!

Judgement Not Welcome Here

Posted on February 25, 2014 by simpleijustdo

Recently, I posted about a couple of my friends whose marriages have faltered. Then I was notified about a couple of comments on the post, comments that were rather judgemental of my friends. I know this person who commented may not realize how preachy her comments sounded, but they were unwarranted, and rather unwelcome.

Those of you who have gone through divorce can probably guess what they said, verbatim, because it’s just what a person in their situation does not need to hear. The I-hope-you’ve-really-thought-about-this, and you-have-no-idea-how-this-is-going-to-impact-your-kids kind of crap that I heard, too.

First of all, there are enough single-parent households out there nowadays to prove that the world doesn’t end with a divorce. Plenty of kids not only survive but thrive in a single-parent household. This notion that a home without two parents is somehow “broken” is positively ludicrous, and needs to be sent packing, back to the Victorian age from whence it came. My son has thrived since the ex left our home. The idea that “staying in it for the kids” is better somehow, as if children aren’t negatively impacted by two parents who fight constantly, don’t ever speak to each other, do not show any sign of affection to each other, or contribute to an ever-present tension in the house is just plain wrong.

Second, I dare say that the great majority of people who decide on divorce did not make the decision lightly. If you think that’s the case, you’ve been watching too much “reality” TV. Divorce is a heart-rending, soul-breaking decision to make. And there is enough hurt, guilt and anger in that decision already without having to also be judged by society at large.

Third, just like the old saying, “If you’ve met one kid with autism, you’ve met one kid with autism,” no two marriages are alike. No one knows what goes on inside of a marriage except for the two people in it. They may be over-sharers, but the outsiders are only getting one side of the story, and therefore no one really knows. When I got divorced, my ex mother-in-law actually sent me a letter saying that they “never saw it coming.” A perfect example, as the ex and I had both been miserable for the previous six years. The two friends I wrote about? I never claimed to know what caused either breakup, because I don’t know. I even said that I didn’t think the autism, either father’s undiagnosed nor the son’s caused it, although dealing with autism in the household can strain any marriage. My friend has never once said anything about it, and is not using it for “justification” of anything.

So why don’t we listen to the old advice, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it?” Why do people insist on getting behind a keyboard to say things to people they would never say in real life?

Judging someone for their divorce is a big no-no in my book. It makes one look small, and your unwanted “advice” only hurts. I choose instead to support people whom I trust to make smart decisions and weigh all their options. Being a parent to a child with autism has taught me that life is hard enough without having to worry about how others will judge you. You lose nothing by supporting others in their personal struggles.

Butterpats and Old Newspapers

Posted on February 24, 2014 by simpleijustdo

This weekend, I helped my mom sort through her antique butter-pat collection. She started collecting them before I was born, and has kept them through the years, hoping they will accrue in value, but mostly admiring their beauty.

We pulled them out once when I was a girl, and from the evidence we saw today, it must have been when I was about ten, in 1984. I vividly remember doing this, because I accidentally dropped one on our ceramic tile kitchen floor shortly after we had started, and it shattered. My mom was disappointed and probably angry, while I was mortified that I had broken something she valued so much. I was in tears, and ran to my room, and in the meantime, the butter-pats were re-wrapped and put away again.

Today, as we pulled out each butter pat, carefully unwrapped it and placed it on the table, she reminisced about when she had purchased them, and we both remarked on their patterns, age, and condition. Some are Spode, some are Wedgewood, some are Haviland and Limoges. I noted my favorites, and we looked at the markings, and her previous notes deciphering the codes in the imprints on the back.

We also noted the newspaper they had been wrapped in. One or two from 1984 (including the Detroit Tigers 1984 Season Schedule, the year they won the World Series), but most from 1974, in the summer before I was born. There were announcements of concerts by Eric Clapton and the Grateful Dead, advertisements for recently released movies like “The Sting” and “Blazing Saddles,” and other interesting news of the day.

It was a wonderful afternoon for remembering, and an unexpected look into the past. Who knew the material in which she wrapped those butter-pats nearly 40 years ago would be almost as interesting as the butter-pats themselves?

Another

Posted on February 20, 2014 by simpleijustdo

Yet another friend of mine told me recently that she and her husband were separating. And they have a son on the spectrum. I don’t think it had a lot to do with their decision, but it may have been an elephant in the room because her husband is probably also on the spectrum but was never diagnosed. They just told the kids this past weekend, and they are all still reeling.

And my best friend at work called a lawyer today to make an appointment to get the ball rolling on her divorce.

People in my circle are hurting, and I empathize. They are in places I was in, what seems like a long time ago. Ages ago. Lifetimes ago.

Luckily I know what not to say. I know what they do not want to hear. And I hope they see me at the other end and take heart that the pain they are going through does not have to last forever. They are both strong ladies, but even the strong have weak moments, and this is one of the hardest struggles they will ever live through.

My heart aches for them, but I also admire them for their strength to face what they are in for. And I stand ready to catch them when they need to lean on someone.