Monthly Archives: December 2012

Hot Dogs & The Future

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Sometimes people will ask about The Boy’s future.  Will he go to college?  Will he live on his own?  What will he do when he’s an adult?

The crazy thing about autism, is that it is unpredictable.  I have no clue what the future will look like.  Most parents of NT kids can reasonably assume that their child will go to college or trade school, or get work experience once out of high school, and will be able to make a living and live on their own, find a life partner, and maybe give them grandchildren.  We special needs parents either don’t know if any of that will happen, or we know for certain that it won’t.

As The Boy gets older, I get a better idea, but I can’t say for certain, and I definitely don’t want to judge his capability too early, thereby predetermining the outcome – does that make sense?  I want to be as open as I can to all possibilities so that none seems out of reach for The Boy.

One of the ideas that has been percolating ever since we made this major life decision to move to be closer to The Man and my parents has been to start up our own business or nonprofit, which could be a built-in job for The Boy in the future.  We have lots of ideas, but one that started as a joke, and is still a joke (mostly, maybe, hmmm…) has been that The Man and The Boy will operate a hot dog stand at the beach during the summer.  The Man actually has a friend who did it for awhile and made money doing it, too!

So this is The Boy’s Christmas gift to The Man this year:

Hot Dog Stand Ornament

Pretty fitting, don’t you think?

Child Support

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For the past year or so, the ex has done a fairly good job with keeping up with the meager child support payments he has to make.  Why?  Because as long as he is gainfully employed, they take it right out of his check.  If he had to do anything himself, it probably wouldn’t get done.  I’m not slamming him, that’s just a fact, which he would probably admit to, as well.  Sometimes his employer has taken it upon himself to submit it biweekly instead of weekly.  I’m not sure why he does this, but as long as The Boy gets his support in a timely fashion, it doesn’t really matter to me.

The gainfully employed part of that is the only sticking point.  There are times when the ex “gets laid off” which is code for “gets fired”.  He tends to have a problem with authority, and tends to not hold a job for terribly long.  I think that is what has happened yet again, as it has been longer than two weeks since a payment was made.

Thankfully, I haven’t really had to fight too much for The Boy’s rights.  My state (as I think most states do) works with the state in which the ex lives, and they do a great job of tracking down the people and information they need, and following through with their procedures.  A couple of years ago, the total amount owed got up to about $3000, and my state initiated hearing proceedings.  They notified the ex, who started to panic, and they even went so far as to intimate to him that if he didn’t have all of the money at the hearing, he would be put in jail.  I’m not sure that is entirely true, but good on the (mostly) ladies who work for child services in getting the desired results.

Of course, the ex sees it as “the man” trying to “keep him down” because he’s known a lot of guys who have been “screwed by the system” over the years.  The funniest part of all of this was the moment when the ex realized he actually had to pay more toward his son’s upbringing after the divorce, because I footed so much of the bill when we were married.  Karma.

In any case, if you are going through a divorce, please, PLEASE do not make any agreement to go outside of the system.  I know my state doesn’t even allow it, so it may not even be legal where you are, but beside that, there is no enforcement if you make your own “deal” with your soon-to-be-ex, like my ex desperately wanted me to agree to.  Where would I have been when he owed me $3000?  Out of luck, that’s where.

Also, if you can at all help it, try to get to a point where you do not depend on that support.  It really is another form of control that your ex still has over you.

Dav Pilkey Goes a Step Too Far

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Some of The Boy's Collection

If you aren’t familiar with Dav Pilkey, he is the author of the incredibly popular Captain Underpants Series (among others along the same vein).  The Boy loves his books.  He cracks up, and reads and re-reads them often.  I used to worry that the atrocious spelling in the books might derail The Boy in that subject area, as he has a rather photographic memory that way, but he actually finds the mistakes hilarious, and we often point out each one when reading together.

Some parents are not fans, finding his tone irreverent, and the subject matter bordering on the lines of bad taste.  If you actually read the books, you will find that Dav uses parody to point out some of the basic features of going to school these days, and also subtly mocks what passes for education in our times.  Lots of levels, just like the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Anyway, I purchased what seems to be the latest book for The Boy (Captain Underpants and the Terrifying Return of Tippy Tinkletrousers) as a surprise to pull out on the plane when electronics could definitely not be used.  I knew he hadn’t seen it before, and I knew I could count on it to absorb him for a good while…

[SPOILER ALERT]

And then, The Boy got to the end of the book…  Where a character actually dies…  In a rather violent manner…

The Boy was understandably upset.  These books usually end with the bad guy going to bad guy jail, but no one ever gets seriously hurt, let alone gets killed (by being stepped on by giant zombie nerds, leaving a “red, squishy stain”).  He kept going back to that page, obviously disturbed by it.

Oh, Dav, Why did you have to go there?  I trusted you to entertain my kid without scarring him, because you never went this far before. 

To add insult to injury, Pilkey also claims that as a result of this violent death, there will be no more Captain Underpants books.  So you kill a character, and then leave the kids high and dry?  It does go on to say that there actually will be another book, which ultimately confused the hell out of The Boy, Mr. Literal.

The Boy has decided he is going to write a letter to Dav Pilkey about all of this, which I encouraged, as I hope many others do, as well.  I think Mr. Pilkey has forgotten that his audience is made up of children, who while desperately trying to become adults, are still impressionable and trusting.  And in this latest book, he has let them down.

Meltdowns, Blame & Brains

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The glasses we found in Myrtle Beach broke.  In the parking lot to The Boy’s favorite restaurant the other night – the lens had been popping off, and it popped off onto the concrete, and promptly broke into pieces.  He flipped out, obviously upset.  I tried to quickly calm him, but it was a no go.  It escalated, and I had to physically manhandle him into the car.  Then, because we were headed home, everything was my fault.  I broke his glasses by “punching them” with my fist!  I am the “meanest mom ever”!  I “hate” my son, and “want to kill” him as soon as we get home!

Through all this I was silent.  We got home and the harangue continued for a short while.  I sat down and pointedly ignored the ongoing outburst.  He came over to me, attempting a hug, all the the while still blaming me for his misfortune.  At one point he asked what it would take to be allowed to go back to the restaurant.  I told him I needed him to calm down, and I needed an apology.  The first apology I got was pretty backhanded, and so I explained that he had hurt my feelings with the things he had said.  I reminded him that I love him no matter what, and then he apologized for hurting my feelings and blaming me for the broken glasses.  After he had calmed a bit, we headed back to the restaurant and had a nice dinner.  At one point on the way home (again), he said all of the “hims” inside his head had made him think wrong about what had happened.  I asked how many were in his head, and he said, “Millions!”  I said they’d have to be very small to fit a million little versions of him in his head, to which he replied that they were microscopic, and you could only see them with a microscope.

He seemed to be joking, but sometimes the things he thinks up boggle me.  I can’t even begin to fathom how his mind works and processes information.  There’s a video on upworthy about having “empathy”, and “what it can be like for people with autism” – maybe you’ve seen it floating around facebook.  My mom brought up a good point, saying unless it was produced by a person with autism, wouldn’t it just be an NT assumption about what it would be like to have autism?  Yes!… But then The Boy watched it and said, “Hey! That’s just like real life!”

I don’t know if I will ever get used to not knowing what goes on inside that head.

This ultrasound shot of The Boy's Brain is probably the closest I'll ever get...

This ultrasound shot of The Boy’s Brain is probably the closest I’ll ever get…