Meltdowns, Blame & Brains

The glasses we found in Myrtle Beach broke.  In the parking lot to The Boy’s favorite restaurant the other night – the lens had been popping off, and it popped off onto the concrete, and promptly broke into pieces.  He flipped out, obviously upset.  I tried to quickly calm him, but it was a no go.  It escalated, and I had to physically manhandle him into the car.  Then, because we were headed home, everything was my fault.  I broke his glasses by “punching them” with my fist!  I am the “meanest mom ever”!  I “hate” my son, and “want to kill” him as soon as we get home!

Through all this I was silent.  We got home and the harangue continued for a short while.  I sat down and pointedly ignored the ongoing outburst.  He came over to me, attempting a hug, all the the while still blaming me for his misfortune.  At one point he asked what it would take to be allowed to go back to the restaurant.  I told him I needed him to calm down, and I needed an apology.  The first apology I got was pretty backhanded, and so I explained that he had hurt my feelings with the things he had said.  I reminded him that I love him no matter what, and then he apologized for hurting my feelings and blaming me for the broken glasses.  After he had calmed a bit, we headed back to the restaurant and had a nice dinner.  At one point on the way home (again), he said all of the “hims” inside his head had made him think wrong about what had happened.  I asked how many were in his head, and he said, “Millions!”  I said they’d have to be very small to fit a million little versions of him in his head, to which he replied that they were microscopic, and you could only see them with a microscope.

He seemed to be joking, but sometimes the things he thinks up boggle me.  I can’t even begin to fathom how his mind works and processes information.  There’s a video on upworthy about having “empathy”, and “what it can be like for people with autism” – maybe you’ve seen it floating around facebook.  My mom brought up a good point, saying unless it was produced by a person with autism, wouldn’t it just be an NT assumption about what it would be like to have autism?  Yes!… But then The Boy watched it and said, “Hey! That’s just like real life!”

I don’t know if I will ever get used to not knowing what goes on inside that head.

This ultrasound shot of The Boy's Brain is probably the closest I'll ever get...

This ultrasound shot of The Boy’s Brain is probably the closest I’ll ever get…

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