Tag Archives: Parent

The Curse (or is it Gift?) of the Middle School Teacher

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After teaching middle schoolers for almost half my life, I can see what kids will look like as teenagers.  If I really look at a child that still has some baby fat, baby teeth, braces, and that awkward, gawky way of trying to hold their body just so, I can picture him or her after 4 years or so, taller, more self-assured, straighter teeth.

I looked at The Boy today and realized he is no longer a boy.  He is quickly on his way to becoming a teen.  He had just woken up, and was still a little out of it, staring into space, allowing me a moment to really study him.  And I blinked, looked at the pictures all around us in our living room, at that little boy in kindergarten, then after he’d lost a few teeth, looking like that beautiful, typical American boy…  “Where did my baby go?” I said.  “He’s in the pictures, Mom,” The Boy replied as I hugged him tight.  I watched him amble off, down the hall, and I pictured him, taller, broader shoulders, and a little more self-assured (I mean, after all, he can even make his own bagels, now!), and I had two simultaneous emotions: sadness that I’m losing my little boy, and hope for the man he will become.

And here come the tears…

breakfast

The Best Advice

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My grandma used to say, “Do your best and that’s all you can do.”  It’s kind of a funny saying, but I repeat it to myself often, in particular because of the last part.  Anyone who loves me and knows me, knows that I am my very own worst critic, and that I’m often hypersensitive to criticism only because whatever you were going to say to me, I’ve already berated myself about inside my head about 57 times.  Sometimes I need to cut myself a break.

There’s a great book called the Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey (I actually read the also great book, The Inner Game of Music by Barry Green and Timothy Gallwey, based on the same ideas), and one of the founding principles is that in order to perform well, you need to find a way to shush those inner “you-can’t-do-it” voices, the “judges”, as he calls them.  You have to find a way to take away their power to suck the very lifeblood out of you, because they will if given the chance.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I do have high expectations for myself, and the things I need to do, because often I am the only one to do them.  If I can’t, it won’t get done, which can lead to more problems.  But Grandma was exactly correct – if I’ve done my best (which is almost always the case) that’s all I can do!

After a full school day, starting at 7:30pm, getting out of my last school meeting at 5:00pm, talking to The Man on the brief ride home, having an hour to sit (whew!) and then heading out for another meeting that lasted a solid two hours, talking to The Man again on the brief ride home, and finally able to take my heels off at 9:30pm (after talking to Fantastic Babysitter, settling The Boy, and realizing I hadn’t eaten dinner), I realize I have done the best I can do today, and that’s all I can do.  Working out will have to wait until tomorrow.

dogasleep1

Humiliating Your Child Is Not Parenting

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Did you see the Facebook post of the parent who took a picture of her son with his Playstation and a Captain America figure, and the sign he held up that said something like, “I had to return the Playstation I was going to get for Christmas because I didn’t show enough gratitude for the Captain America figure I got.”

Really?  This is what you came up with to teach your son about gratitude?  Using social media as a weapon, a source of humiliation and embarrassment?

I think there’s a growing trend of extremism in all aspects of society, and I think parenting has not escaped this trend.  Listen, I am not a pushover teacher.  I have many students who are not used to hearing the word, “no”, but I will say it as many times as it takes to be understood.  But in teaching and parenting, one must realize that we are dealing with children, who by very definition are still learning how to be human beings, which means they will make mistakes.  And when they make those mistakes, humiliating them in front of millions of people (or even your closest 200 friends) might not be the best approach, nor will it be very effective in teaching the lesson you would like them to learn.  The “lesson” or consequence should be immediate, should fit the action or behavior, and should directly relate to what you’d like them to learn.

If my son didn’t show the appropriate amount of gratitude, I would first ask myself, “Did I explain to him what my expectations were about showing gratitude when receiving a gift?”  If I didn’t, then we go back and review those – you can’t blame a kid who doesn’t know the parameters.  If I did make my expectations clear, I would remind him of my expectations, ask him to think about the amount of gratitude he showed when receiving the gift, and then ask him what he thinks we should do to fix the situation.  We might verbally apologize, send a hand-written thank-you note to the gift-giver, or even plan a volunteer experience with people who are less fortunate so we might learn a little bit about giving and receiving, wanting and needing, and all of the emotions involved (and how they are communicated).

You don’t get respect unless you give it.  Our children, who are still learning, and who will make mistakes, deserve our respect, not our ridicule.

disrespect

What’d I Miss?…

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Here’s a recap of the top posts for December, plus one oldie but goodie:

  • No Offense, But… about how this phrase really needs to be put to rest, because despite its “intent”, whatever comes next will ultimately offend you.
  • Happy Day about The Man’s surprise Christmas morning proposal *sigh* 😀
  • I Don’t Want My Kid To Be Normal about how special needs parents need to set their sites on different goals for their children
  • Parties about how normal, everyday birthday parties can cause much angst among we special needs parents
  • The Angry Ex about how to deal with an ex who is less than civil

Hope you are having a fantastic start to your workweek!  Only 10 more Mondays until Spring!

Winter at the Beach

Strong Women

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I recently wrote a post about my aunt who has been a special needs mom for almost 50 years.  My great-aunt, who is around the same age, and from the same side of the family, is another example from the long line of strong women whom I am proud to call my family.  If you google her name, the first site to come up is a recent article about seniors and social media.  At 87, she is connected, and using the internet to stay in touch with family.  She is also a (retired) child psychologist, and still does evaluations for the local school district.  In her spare time, she is on several committees in her retirement community, runs the library there, does water aerobics, cardiac fitness, zumba, and walks three miles three times a week.

Are you freaking kidding me?  I can only in my wildest dreams hope to be like her when I am 87!

She and I connected because we both had an interest in genealogy, and since she is technically one of my forebears, we had even more to share.  She actually wrote a family history of her parents and siblings, which I found invaluable, as my grandparents (her sister and brother-in-law) both passed away before I was really at an age to revel in their stories.  It also gave some back-story to the tales I heard my father tell as I was growing up about when he was a kid, and they would drive two states away to visit “the farm” and the huge family that would descend on this mythical place.  Did I mention her family story is being published?

When my uncle told me how proud he was of me, for living my life the way I have and raising my son the way I have, I didn’t know what to say.  I look at these ladies, my mom, my aunt, my great-aunt, and realize that, thanks to them, I don’t know any other way to be.

Lock Laces: The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

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The Boy is 10, soon to be 11, and he cannot tie his shoes.  We have tried over the years to show him how, but he’s just not interested.  And when he’s not interested, he’s not going to learn much.  … Continue reading →

Questions

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Lots of questions today.  As usual, in the car.

The Boy:”Why is it just you and me?”

Me: “What do you mean?  Are you asking why your dad and I got divorced?”

B: “Yeah.”

M: “Your dad and I just didn’t get along anymore.  That happens sometimes.”

B: “Are you going to change your last name?”

M: “If The Man and I get married, that will probably happen.”

B: “Will my name change too?”

M: “That’s up to you.  Do you want it to change?”

(no answer)

B: “Are you and The Man going to have any more kids?  Will I get a brother?”

M: “Nope.”

B: “Why not?”

M: “The Man and I are too old to have any more kids.  So it’ll be just you.”

B: “I’m going to have a bunch of kids.  A whole pile.”

M: “Don’t you think you better check with your wife first?”

B: “I’m going to have a lot of kids.”

—

This entire conversation took place in the space of about one minute.  Such heady stuff for a 10 year old.  I sometimes find it difficult not to let my surprise (that he’s asking about these things) show.  These are, of course, things that we have talked about before (OK, maybe not the “pile” of kids thing, but the other stuff).  I think he finds comfort in the consistency of my answers.  That’s my theory anyway.  I hope he does.