Fantastic Babysitter and her new husband are taking The Boy camping this weekend. This has become an annual tradition because boys like camping, and should go camping, and I, well… don’t camp. I hate it. I hate the bugs, the … Continue reading
Autism is a spectrum disorder. I think every child with ASD is at a different spot on that spectrum, just like every snowflake is different. That means that we can identify with others in our community, and take bits and … Continue reading
Mental Health has long been an issue in this country. It is quite common to see a therapist or a “shrink”, but it is just as common to not tell anybody about it, for fear of sounding “crazy”. When a … Continue reading
When you have a special needs kid, there are a lot of people to thank come holiday and end of the school year time. Special Ed teachers, General Ed teachers, Parapros, Therapists, Babysitters, etc. Do I have to thank them … Continue reading
We were having a rough week. We were on vacation, which The Boy can handle for only so long. He longs for school, and structure, and his own familiar surroundings. He gets cranky, irritable, and sometimes downright incorrigible. This was … Continue reading
English: Baby Oliver (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Boy is an only child. I am an only child. Ergo, The Boy is rarely around babies. When our Fantastic Babysitter asked if it was OK to bring her nephew last week while watching the boy, I thought, “OK, this will be new…” I wasn’t worried. More like curious.
The Boy doesn’t make much contact with others, unless he knows you really well, or unless you are into something that he is into (i.e. computers, comics, etc.). That somehow accelerates your friendship to the I’m-going-to-drag-you-by-the-arm-to-show-you-something stage. In any case, I was curious to see if he would be curious about this (5 month old) baby.
For awhile after the divorce, he would talk sometimes about someday getting a brother or sister, and wouldn’t that be cool. I honestly don’t remember how I responded to those comments, if I did at all. I knew I was done (meaning no more babies), but I wasn’t going to rule out the ex’s side of things, and I know I wouldn’t have stepped into that minefield.
So Fantastic Babysitter arrived, with her nephew in his carrier, and of course, I couldn’t help myself. I began cooing and generally making a fool of myself over the little bundle of cuteness. The Boy was right behind me watching all of this, taking it in. At one point he gently but possessively grabbed my arm. I asked if he was jealous, and he ignored me. He wandered about the kitchen as Fantastic Babysitter and I talked. After kissing The Boy, and reminding him to behave, I headed for the door. As I left, Fantastic Babysitter was asking The Boy what he wanted to do.
They ended up going to Chuck E. Cheese. She is so Fantastic, she can handle a 5 month old and a boy with autism at that place! I bow to her. They had fun, and I beat them home.
But I got the biggest smile of the evening (possibly of the week) when she texted me that The Boy was referring to himself as Uncle as he explained to the baby about the car trip back home, and everything that they were doing.
It seems no one can resist the charm of a baby.
It is hard to describe what I feel as a parent in the thick of one of my son’s meltdowns, but it is a dark place. Helplessness, hopelessness, fear, guilt, anger, and embarrassment. Not a good mix. I am writing this post to share with you, because it helps me to express these feelings and talk honestly about them, and it may help you to realize that you are not alone when a meltdown hits.
Last year, one of my students invited me to her community play, and when I am personally invited to events like this, I remember how much courage it took to invite an adult, how much it means to them, and I make every effort to go. Afterwards, this is what I wrote in my journal:
“Tonight, I paid 
almost $30 for The Boy and I to see a community play that I had been invited to by one of my students. The Boy has grown so much over the years in terms of his ability to behave well in these situations, that I didn’t have a second thought about it. And then the autism snuck up on me. Us. He began kicking the seat in front of us. Lightly, but I’m sure enough for the woman to feel it. Then the shoes came off, and then the hat started to fly. Not sure if there was an intermission or not, I made the decision to take him out. Easier said than done. It’s to the point that I cannot pick him up and carry him out. So he flopped. And I struggled to pick him up and leave. For what seemed like 2 hours, while the actors are trying to continue over The Boy’s full-throated screams and protests. I got him to a stage door, and a woman came over to deliver the hat and my purse which I had thrown aside to get my hands on him. An usher came over to let us know there was an exit door behind us (gee-thanks). I got him calmed enough to stand up and go through one set of doors. And then I realized we were missing his shoe. So we went out into the lobby, with me huffing and puffing like I’d just run a marathon. I asked an usher if she would retrieve his shoe after explaining the situation, which she did. And then we left.
I cried. Both of us screamed at each other. His allowance was revoked, and his bedtime backed up by a half hour, and objects were thrown in the car. Once home, he was ordered to go to bed, and refused. So I retreated to my bedroom and locked the door. He says he wants to live with his dad, and he is very afraid that I am going to tattle on him to his teacher, afraid that he will not be able to go on the field trip to Bounce House on Friday.”
It is a painful memory for me, because I handled it poorly from beginning to end. I didn’t give a thought to where our seats were, because I assumed he would be OK, which was my first mistake. (Actually, my first mistake was considering whether or not he wanted to go, and not considering leaving him home if that wasn’t the case!) I still debate about whether or not I should have taken the stand on the shoes being off. I think the fact that the people sitting next to us were older, and were already giving us looks when that debate came up influenced my decision, and it shouldn’t have. And I handled the consequences, the aftermath very poorly. But…
I am one person. I am not perfect. Stuff happens. All I can hope is that we learned something from it, and that these meltdowns are few and far between (which luckily, has been the case — I know others are not so lucky).
Care to share your worst meltdown story?
Babysitting (Photo credit: Daquella manera)
Today, our babysitter picked up The Boy and took him for the day, leaving me with a whole chunk of Me-Time.
There are plenty of single moms out there who will tell you that they feel guilty leaving their kids with a babysitter so that they can pursue selfish interests. I would not be one of those single moms. I also don’t feel guilty being a working mom, because being a career woman is part of my identity. If I stay too long at home, I go stir-crazy, and so does The Boy. To him, there IS such a thing as too much vacation (this is where I think he’s a little nuts, but different strokes, right?).
Me-Time is essential to me, for my sanity. You may think I am using that term loosely, but if you have a kid with special needs, you know that your brain works similarly to that of a battle medic – always alert for a major disaster, and ready to solve problems at a moment’s notice. Me-Time is a break from that, and it is blissful. It recharges me, and helps me come back to my child, appreciating him for the amazing kid that he is.
In my Singlemomdom, I am an only child, meaning I do not have siblings ready and willing to provide free babysitting. And my parents live 900 miles away. Therefore, I rely heavily on babysitters. This is not a foolproof system, and there are times when I just can’t do what I’d need or like to do. I have had to take days off of work, often at inopportune times, but that’s just part of it. There isn’t any more I can do about it, so stressing about it isn’t going to help anyone.
But how do I find Fantastic Babysitters? It isn’t easy, and I will give you my disclaimer now that, as a teacher, I kind of have an advantage. I have a bevy of former students whom I know I can trust with my only offspring. But not even this has always worked out well.
I found our best and most fantastic babysitter on Craigslist (remember when I told you about Craigslist??). It was shortly after the divorce was final, and I realized that I would need someone pretty regularly, as my job requires me to attend several evening functions every month. I looked on Craigslist, and narrowed my choices down to three. I contacted them, asked for resumes and references, and scheduled interviews. I found excellent questions to ask online, and also asked about their experiences with kids with special needs. From those interviews, it was a no-brainer which one I would hire, and four years later, she is like one of the family.
There are other resources out there as well, if you just aren’t in a financial place to be able to afford babysitters. Think about swapping time with a friend who has kids, or contacting your local National Honor Society chapter to see if any of their members need service hours. College students may also need service hours, or observation hours if they are entering the education or child development fields. If you have kids who have special needs, contact some of your local special needs groups to see if they offer respite care, or know of any organizations that do.
I think we single moms can fall easily into the martyr role, and truthfully, some of us revel in that. I work hard, and truthfully, I’m a better mom because I’ve had to do it on my own, but I am also a better mom because I take time for myself. I have not put my interests and hobbies on the back burner until my son turns 18. Maybe that’s because unlike moms of neurotypical kids, I may not have an empty nest at that point, and my nest may never be empty, but that’s for another post. I still need to be me, and I still need alone time to pursue those interests. If I don’t I will grow to resent this precious boy of mine. It helps to have a Fantastic Babysitter, so if you don’t have one yet, go get one! You won’t know what you ever did without him/her!!
The Boy attends ESY in the summer. If you are not familiar, ESY stands for “Extended School Year” which is a program that helps students who would otherwise flounder with the crazy transition from summer back to school. His school … Continue reading
Today was my first opportunity to really teach my son. Not the things that every parent teaches their kids, like manners, humility, and putting both the lid and the seat up to pee. Nope. Today I gave my son his first real baritone lesson. And it was eye-opening.
I think every parent has some understanding of the cognitive abilities of their own children. I should say every parent who is involved in their child’s life to the point where they have regular conversations, and enjoy doing things together. Let’s face it — that statement just disqualified a lot of parents. But intelligence is harder to gauge for us special needs parents. Our kids don’t often test well, and we have to take the word of the people who spend their days with them at school, and hope we can trust they know what they are doing. We do some homework during the regular school year, but his teachers send home assignments on which he will have success, to lessen the negative connotation of “homework”, a BRILLIANT idea, I might add. So even homework does not give me a clear picture of what we’re dealing with inside that big noggin of his.
This afternoon, I got a better understanding. As his teacher, I saw a talented kid who picked concepts up amazingly quickly, but needed almost constant redirection to focus on the lesson. It seemed that once he learned a concept, it was pretty much solid, too. We worked for about 20-30 minutes, and then he was done, but he had learned the concepts so quickly, and so well, that there was no reason to extend the lesson. Ideally, every kid would have this type individualization, and they would achieve amazing things.
I know that many of us in the special needs community have this nagging concern that is always in the backs of our minds, and oft repeated to us by well-meaning friends and family members: “But what will you/he do when he is done with school?”
To others, I say, “I can’t dwell too much on the future. I really have to take it day by day.”
To myself, I often say, “I have no freakin’ clue, and that scares the crap out of me.”
But today, after that lesson, I started seeing some answers to that question. Hopeful ones.
My teacher taught me well today.
Simple. I Just Do. 