Big News for The Boy

Posted on May 25, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Fantastic Babysitter is going to have a baby, and I was honored to be one of the first to know. She has become such an integral part of our family, and I can’t even begin to fathom how much we will miss her. She is going to be a fantastic mother, and there is so much happiness in store for her family.

She waited a bit before telling The Boy, but last night was the big night to impart her news.

We sat down on the couch, and she produced two jellybeans and told him that if he put the two jellybeans together, it would be the size of the baby that is growing in her belly. He opened his eyes a little wider but didn’t say anything for a few seconds. She and I both explained a bit more, and then he said, “Did (her husband) do this to you?”

It was a classic, if unexpected response that made us both laugh (we’re still laughing!). Makes sense coming from one so logical, though. I guess that sex ed curriculum is working!

Men and Boys

Posted on May 18, 2013 by simpleijustdo

There are things in this world that boys need to learn from adults. I find that as a single mom, some things slip through the cracks, and I’m surprised when I realize The Boy doesn’t know something (like what the phrase “laughing like a hyena” means). Since The Man has been in our lives, he has often stepped in to teach The Boy something that boys (and really all growing kids) should know how to do, like ride a bike:

Today, we had an up and down day, which ended up being mostly up. Luckily, we were able to turn around a dramatic morning and spent most of the beautiful day at the park. When we eventually came home, The Man immediately set The Boy to work, teaching him how to wash Mom’s car:

The Man even points out to me the times when I am doing something for The Boy that he could be doing himself. I bristled at this at first, but it didn’t take me long to realize that he wasn’t telling me how to parent The Boy, and that he was usually right. Now I find his insights invaluable, and these lessons he teaches The Boy are so important. And even more important is the relationship that comes from these lessons and insight. This stuff makes me smile. 🙂

He Thought I’d Leave Him

Posted on May 17, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We picked up The Man at the airport yesterday and brought him home, and he was starving, so we planned to go to Chili’s. Except that The Boy wasn’t too keen on going to Chili’s right away, not very concerned with everyone else’s level of hunger. He decided to put his pajamas on, which he often does when we get home from school. Except we were going to Chili’s. A minor battle ensued.

I called forth every ounce of patience I had, and sat down on his bed, where he was just about ready to pop, and tried to talk him through, which has worked extremely well, especially lately. I asked him what was wrong. He equated going to Chili’s with going to school, and if he was going to school, I would leave him. Huh? Where did this come from? I assured him I wasn’t going anywhere, we weren’t going to school, just to Chili’s to have some dinner, and he could put his jammies on when we got back home.

As he often does when we have battles about clothing, he compromised with wearing his dress clothes, even down to the tie and suit coat. Better than jammies, I suppose.

Sometimes I realize I can’t even begin to guess what is going on in his mind, and what connections he is making without anyone knowing it. I guess that’s why talking it through is so important, and it’s why I am so thankful we can do that.

A Mom and Her Boy

Posted on May 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Just took an evening walk with The Boy around the block, because today was a gorgeous day — 82 and sunny, and this evening was a perfect summery evening, where the temp in the house is about the same as it is out of the house, and neighbors are playing in the yard.

We held each other close and talked about things to come and the things around us like the birds, and why they eat worms.

I love these moments when I get to hold my boy’s hand, when he wants my arm around him, when he seeks hugs. I know that pretty soon, he may not seek me out for this kind of comfort anymore. These simple moments are precious, and I know it.

Love that boy!

Delayed Gratification

Posted on May 13, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Pictures had to be taken of all the princess dollies…

Today, The Boy and I went shopping with PITA, Princess, and Sunshine. Sunshine was in rare form, and not a little contrary all afternoon, so PITA was having a time of it. Trying to win the Best Auntie award, I bought the girls spring dresses that were on sale at Sears, and then we went to lunch at The Boy’s favorite restaurant (even though he and I had just been there for fun Friday two nights ago). We have our routines when we go to this restaurant — he likes to order an orange juice in their large to-go cup, and insists on sharp crayons. He also likes to order a strawberry sundae (which he likes to joke is a “Sunday with a y”), with no whipped cream. We started to come to the end of our meal, and I turned my head and whispered that maybe we should wait on the ice cream until after we had left the girls at their house, because I didn’t think PITA wanted to get the girls ice cream after the afternoon we’d had, and I didn’t want The Boy to eat it in front of them. So I was whispering away in his ear, as he started whimpering because we were going to break routine, and he was “being punished”, but as I spoke, and as I reasoned, he started to understand. Finally, he agreed, and no more was said about the “Sunday with a y”. We left the restaurant, and even went to a couple more stores (luckily Target was on the list – another of his favorites, and another we had just visited for fun Friday), and then we dropped the girls off at home. He quickly reminded me of our deal, and I told him I would keep my promise, because that’s important, but also because he really deserved it for being such a trooper all afternoon. Little girls can be trying for any eleven year old boy, but especially for this one who likes his routines. He hung around fitting rooms while the girls tried on three dresses apiece, was patient with their jokes and questions, and agreed to forgo his usual treat at his favorite restaurant.

I told him how proud I was, and that he had shown me how very mature he was becoming. For a typical kid, this might be normal or even the expectation, but for mine, it was such a huge victory, and a great Mothers’ Day present. Soooo proud.

The Classification of “Meltdown”

Posted on May 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Rainbow pencil (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

There is clearly a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Tantrums are thrown for effect, while meltdowns are thrown because the ability to communicate something has evaporated, and tolerance levels have been exceeded in some way. But I have noticed my own language lately, in describing behaviors as a “meltdown”, when they aren’t really. With The Boy, I tend to classify all of the behaviors leading up to a meltdown as “having a meltdown”, so that others who do not have living-with experience with autism will understand. Many, many times, we are able to avert the big blowout. In fact, they have been fairly rare, at least in public. But the behaviors beforehand are no picnic either, and require me to be firing on all engines, brain clicking along, coming up with solutions, ideas, and decisions at lightning speed, much like a battlefield medic. It’s really a crisis for both of us.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was some universal way of describing this “ramping up” of anxiety pre-meltdown? Wouldn’t it be great if that became part of the autism awareness and acceptance vernacular? Like one of those smiley face charts at the doctor’s office that they use to help you decide how much pain you are in, so that you can describe it to them accurately?

“Boss, I’m going to be a few minutes late to work, we are at a level orange on the meltdown scale right now, and hope to have the situation back down to a yellow shortly.”

“Honey, I think we need to find our way to an exit. This looks like a green heading into yellow territory.”

“Hello, Mrs. Vandenberg, I just wanted to let you know that we had a pretty rough morning, and got up to hot pink because his favorite shirt wasn’t out of the dryer in time for school.”

Of course, the application would probably vary from person to person, but it would provide a little more information than just, “he’s having a meltdown”.

What’s your opinion? Let us know in the comments

Eye Contact – Not His, Mine

Posted on May 7, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve noticed that on bad mornings, or during and after a public meltdown, that I avoid eye contact with pretty much everyone I come into contact with. Some would say that reaction is a clear indication of embarrassment, I guess, but it isn’t — I’m not at all embarrassed by my son and his autism. That’s who he is, and it isn’t going to change. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, because we can’t control it, we can only manage it to the best of our ability. And sometimes that’s not enough to avoid disrupting our lives and those around us.

I think this natural reaction of mine is so that I can avoid reading other people’s emotions about it. Whether they are anxious, judgmental, sympathetic, or they pity us, I don’t really want to know. I don’t have time to care about their feelings about the situation. I have to make sure The Boy is OK, and then keep it together until I can process my own feelings in a private environment, so that I can go about my day and do what needs to get done. I don’t want to have to deal with them, too.

Maybe that seems harsh, but it’s a method of survival and coping that has developed naturally. I can’t take care of everybody else. My son and my owns self are my first priorities.

Smiling & Winning

Posted on May 4, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The gods are smiling, and I am getting a much needed break today. Fabulous Babysitter has taken over for me, and I get to go to a 12 hour crop, which I probably haven’t done in a whole year. So no working, no packing and sorting, and no worrying about triggers and meltdowns for me, today. Just 12 full hours to look back on happy memories, to be creative, to do a little shopping, eating, and more than a little kibitzing with friends.

I hope you get to take a moment for yourself today. I think Spring is finally here, and there’s just something so hopeful and ready about May.

Cheers,

Annie

PS Rather than choose one winner from our two entries in the book contest, I’ve decided to give them both a copy! So Meg and Holly, contact me with your email addresses, and I will get your ebooks to you ASAP! Congrats!

IEPs, and Moving Trucks, and Appointments, Oh My!

Posted on May 2, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Tomorrow, The Boy’s IEP team meets. I am extremely lucky to have teachers that get him, and fight for what he truly needs, and a school system that allows us to make the best decisions for him that are not based on the almighty dollar. I know many districts are not like that (ahem… some rather intimately…), and I know this isn’t the typical IEP experience. I’m a little nervous about this being the last IEP meeting where I do not have to fight tooth and nail for my son.

kid to do list, list, Be happy and go home

kid to do list, Carissa GoodNCrazy

I also have to make arrangements and get things done — no rest for the wicked on this day. Securing a rental truck for our big move, speaking to our wedding officiant, doing paperwork for The Boy’s summer day camp… The list goes on and on.

And finally, thanks to our super-accomodating pediatric office (*sarcasm*), I have to pull The Boy out of school at the end of the day, causing him to have to miss Kids Club for his physical appointment. We’ve prepped him (both at home and at school – I LOVE his teacher!), and he should be OK, but you just never know. I’ve built in a few treats after the appointment (a trip to Target, and dinner at his favorite restaurant) so that he has “good stuff” to look forward to and get him through.

And so… When I am busy like this, it’s easy to get overwhelmed, but I’m actually doing OK. I enjoy having a list of things to do, and especially relish the crossing-off of the things on the to-do list. I feel like every “check!” is bringing us closer to family, summer, and the beginning of something beautiful.

Nothing’s Impossible

Posted on May 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Single Mothers who have Children with Autism facebook page recently posted a reminder that taking a break from your routine and taking care of yourself is important. Yet many commenters responded bitterly that it just wasn’t possible, and people who say that mean well, but that’s the last thing single moms need to hear.

I disagree.

Nothing’s Impossible

People, if something isn’t going right in your life, you have to make the change happen. Do you think a respite fairy is going to land on your head and grant you three Friday evenings to yourself? I have no nuclear family in the area, yet I am able to take an evening off every once in awhile. Granted, I make a decent wage, and I get that it can be extremely hard financially – money was extremely tight after my divorce, because I was digging myself out of debt. I know that feeling. But there are ways, and you have to find them! Insisting that it’s impossible and defeating yourself before you even start will turn you bitter, and as a result, everyone around you, including your children will suffer. I know people like this. Their negativity is like a virus. And when they don’t take time for themselves, they are more apt to run out of patience and snap at their kids, become exhausted and ill, and it spirals downward from there.

Some ideas:

A break from routine is not necessarily a break from your child(ren). I know routines are the safety zone for kids with autism, but I have written before about how amazing it was to stop and get myself a sweet tea after a meltdown-y morning – it was FANTASTIC, and it had a lasting effect. Something small like that is a great way to start treating yourself kindly. Lord knows our kids won’t always show us the same kindness!

I am lucky that my child enjoys latchkey – it is relatively inexpensive through the school, and gives me a much needed break from ALL kids after work, because he doesn’t like to be picked up until 5pm. I don’t pay any extra for keeping him there until 5pm, and it is an excellent opportunity to unwind a bit before the evening routine begins.

Groups like The ARC often have respite grants for members, and membership dues are often inexpensive or even free. This is a GREAT resource that is oftentimes underutilized, which means you have a great chance of getting some money to help defray the cost of even a family member providing some babysitting for you.

Have a friend with a special needs child? Share the babysitting costs, OR offer to watch the kids for an hour, if she’ll take them next time.

Feel like your calendar is too full to take a moment for yourself? Pencil yourself in. You need to be a priority in your own life. There’s no excuse for that.

Can’t find quality help? Ask at your school – sometimes the parapros (or aides) need some extra cash, and already have a relationship with your child. Maybe your local high school has some National Honor Society students interested in becoming special education teachers (and they probably need service hours and would do it for free).

Sometimes just having an extra pair of eyes in the house while you do chores (or sleep!) can be a weight off your shoulders. Again – get a high school student to come in and be your eyes and ears (or entertainment for the kiddos) while you get stuff done. The more time they spend with your kids, the more they will learn about what to do – special needs babysitters in training!

Bartering is getting big. Is there something you could do for someone in return for them watching your kiddos for a bit? Bake some banana bread? Fix a networking glitch? Give someone swimming lessons?

If none of these ideas will work for you, I feel for you. I completely understand that some children’s needs are severe, meaning breaks a just going to be harder to come by. But you can’t stop trying. You have to find a way. We special needs parents are in extreme danger of burnout and battle fatigue, and the very reasons many moms and dads say they “just can’t take a break” are the same exact reasons they must. Our children need us at our best, so we can handle the worst for a long time to come.