The Boy Turns Twelve

Posted on December 10, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Twelve?? Yes, twelve. I still can’t believe it. He keeps getting older. And bigger. And his voice keeps getting deeper.

When he was born, he weighed 5 pounds, 6 ounces, and he fit between my elbow and my palm (all snuggled, of course). When he was born, the nurses quickly nicknamed him “Red” because he was born with a full, and I mean full head of hair that they thought was red. It still looks red when it gets wet, but he has always been blonde. When he was born, he was a great eater.

About a month later, we almost lost him. He had a “malrotation of the intestine” which was not discovered until I questioned his pediatrician’s assessment of the fact that he was projectile vomiting across the kitchen and spitting up yellow. Only after we switched pediatricians and did an upper gi scan did they figure out he had this malrotation. And that he was hours away from being in serious, serious trouble. Immediately after the gi, they took him and told us he was scheduled for surgery in four hours. To this day, I’m glad it all happened so quickly. I didn’t have too much time to think about what could have happened.

After the surgery, he wasn’t allowed to eat. They wanted everything to pass his system to make sure the surgery was a success. Therefore, only sugar water was allowed in small amounts. I didn’t realize it at the time, but pictures from that time reveal him to be this tiny skeleton-looking baby. After three days, he was supposed to be clear, but he wasn’t. He ended up not being able to eat for six days. I was still recovering from childbirth, and there was no place for either of us to sleep there – only one recliner. So we took turns sleeping at the hospital. It was the worst kind of purgatory, being separated like that, praying for his recovery, while still in pain and bleeding myself (and having to pump on top of all of it).

Needless to say, he not only survived, but thrived, and soon filled out into a typically chubby, happy baby, who was still a good eater, still had a head full of blonde hair, but could no longer fit between my elbow and palm. He was growing, and he hasn’t stopped.

Happy Birthday to my Boy. He’ll never know how thankful I am he’s here.

Thankful for a “Me” Day

Posted on November 13, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve been busy lately. I’d like to say I’ve been busy working, and I have, but not busy making a paycheck. I’ve been busy making sure my son gets a decent education. I’ve been busy writing a novel for NaNoWriMo. I’ve been busy helping The Man on a couple of big jobs he’s lined up, because I can help him when he’s painting. I’m not a pro, but I can get the job done. I’ve been busy filling out applications, taking timed typing tests, and preparing for my tutoring students.

But at the end of the day, I’m still only making about $36 a week.

And, I’m neglecting to do what I’d really like and need to do. Yes, NaNoWriMo is a “me” thing, but it is demanding, squeezing every ounce of originality out of you, and even more so that sometimes what ends up on the page is a big messy mess. And it’s work. And I really need a new pair of shoes. No, I’m serious…

See? I told you. Not just a craving for some sassy pumps. A desperate plea for decent-looking foot apparel.

Today, I get a day for me. A “me” day, that I can actually spend as I choose. Of course, there are a few things I need to do, like call about a possible new tutoring student, and some laundry. And then there’s that big meeting this afternoon, leftover from last week that has a major impact on my son’s future… There’s that.

But until about 2:30, it’s all me, baby. 😉

From Bill Nye to Babies

Posted on November 12, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Boy was recently re-introduced to Bill Nye, the Science Guy, and remembered how much he adores him. Tonight, instead of indulging in his obsession of watching strange cartoon-based YouTube videos, he was laughing and giggling, and not being very secretive at all. Turns out, he was recording audio from a Bill Nye video and altering it so that Bill Nye would be saying incorrect things, which, to him, is HILARIOUS.

Afterward, we were joking about it. This particular episode was about the planets, and he concentrated on the portion of the video in which Bill said the planets circle the sun in a counter-clockwise motion. He had cut out the “counter” portion of the audio. I told him you can’t just change the direction of the planets because winter would be summer, morning would be night, and as you got older, you would get younger…

“What does that even MEAN?” he laughed.

I said, “It would mean that as you got older, you would become more and more like a baby.”

“And then, you would go back to pre-birth,” he added.

Uh… Ahem… Where are we going with this, I wondered…

“Yep, you would have to go back in the womb,” I said.

“What’s a womb?”

Uh-oh… “The place in the mommy where babies form,” I said simply.

“After they come from heaven?”

“Yep, after they come from heaven,” I said.

Whew… That was close. And I don’t even remember talking about babies coming from heaven, but I don’t mind that. That’s cool.

He is so flipping smart. I love that kid.

The Next Thing

Posted on November 5, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Home To Thanksgiving, Currier and Ives

The ex has bagged out on Thanksgiving with The Boy, unless I consented to have his parents pick The Boy up the weekend before Thanksgiving, and have him miss three days of school. My response to that was, “That’s not a good idea,” and so, no visitation until who knows when.

The common sense thing for the ex to do, now that we live even further apart, would be to save up a little money so he could come down for a weekend, stay at a hotel and see his son. But that will never happen. He doesn’t save money, and when he does, he spends it on himself. He probably resents The Boy for the child support coming out of his check, and reasons that that’s enough money to be spending on him, and he shouldn’t have to spend any more just to see him.

If you’re keeping track, The Boy hasn’t seen his dad since April, and the phone calls have become less and less frequent. They are about once a month, now. He was excited about going to see his dad’s kitties for Thanksgiving, and even though I tell him every time it comes up not to get his hopes up, and that it might not happen, he still talks about it as if it is a certainty.

Yesterday, I purposely brought it up because we need to get him from this place of certainty that it will happen to a place of certainty that it won’t happen with as little stress, trauma, and disappointment as possible, not an easy feat. I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to stick around here for Thanksgiving, and celebrate with me and our family?”

“What?!”

I repeated myself.

“Well, I still might go to my dad’s,” he said.

“And you might not,” I said.

“We’ll see,” he said, and then, “Let’s find out for sure.”

I told him I would ask his dad, knowing full well that I wouldn’t because I already know it won’t happen. So now it is my unhappy job to figure out when to break the news, and possibly come up with some distraction to soften the blow.

This is one of the most unfair parts of the job. I know no one ever said life would be fair, but this right here? This sucks.

My Inner Biker Chick

Posted on October 31, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Happy Halloween, Everybody! Since Halloween is an opportunity for us to show our alter egos, I thought this would be an appropriate post…

OK, I’m sharing a lot in this post. Stuff that I’m pretty sure my husband would laugh at me for, but I’m still gonna share it, and I’ll explain why at the end.

Last week Wednesday, I was a wreck. If you remember, I had this IEP meeting scheduled the next day with 10 school district personnel, and no idea of their intentions. Except I was pretty sure they were going to have arguments against what I think is best for The Boy. I wasn’t prepared, and I was feeling overwhelmed and unsure of myself. I have been a special needs parent for a long time, but lucky enough to not have to fight for my child when it comes to modifications, accommodations, and placements.

And now I have to fight, and I’m not confident enough to do it alone.

I went to my mom’s house and cried. And talked. And felt better, although still apprehensive. (Thank goodness for moms!)

On the way home, I heard Cake’s “Short Skirt/Long Jacket.” Music has always had an effect on me, and has been able to literally change my mood in the span of one song. It’s what I use to get motivated on a big project (or just to clean the house). Well, this song helped me a great deal that day. It started me thinking of a strong capable woman that isn’t going to take crap from anybody, and it started me thinking that it really was me all along. I was that girl with a short skirt and a loooooooong jacket. (You really must take a listen.)

Here’s why I share visions of my inner biker chick, called forth by a coincidental listening to Cake: because we all suffer from these periods of wreckedness. We all think that sometimes we just can’t. But for me (and maybe for some of you), listening to the right songs can remind us of our inner strength, that goddess/biker chick that really is pretty darn tough. Tough enough to fight, and tough enough to roll with the punches.

Time to go get a leather jacket to wear to the next meeting, and a machete so I can cut through the red tape… 😉

This is a Stepdad

Posted on October 21, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Today, The Man and I got up early and went to the store to get 6 gallons of paint – we were finally going to start painting the house! The Man has single-handedly remodeled this place, and this summer, we replaced the siding, which was 20 years old. To save money we used panels that were “seconds” and therefore marked on the corners with blue paint. Because of those marks, staring us in the face every time we drove up, we were anxious to finish the job, and the exterior paint was almost the last step.

I’ve helped the man do a fair share of painting, in our own house, as well as on a few large jobs he’s had. But I am not a painter. I was doing pretty good this morning, but got extremely frustrated after lunch and quit. I am not usually a quitter, but it was beyond what I could handle, so I walked away. The Man finished that side of the house on his own, and then moved on to cutting the lawn.

He had asked The Boy if he wanted to “drive” the mower today, so when he was ready, he took him for a few rides around the house before he started mowing in earnest. I took a few snaps, and came inside to relax for awhile (the sound of the mower tends to put me to sleep).

And then I heard voices. I looked through the back doors and saw The Boy and The Man on the mower. The Man was directing him where to go, and The Boy was actually mowing the lawn, steering, going in reverse, slowing down, and keeping his lines straight. It was a pretty neat sight, and erased all of my earlier frustration.

Because this was more than a stepdad showing his stepson how to mow the lawn.

This is a stepdad who understands how fascinated his autistic stepson is with cars, and watches how he pretends to start his own car every time he climbs into a vehicle. This is a stepdad who took his stepson to his favorite hardware store, and asked them to give him one of the mistakes from the key-making counter, so he could have his own set of car keys. This is a stepdad who watched his stepson pretending to steer and use turn signals in his truck this very morning, and decided to give him an opportunity to steer something with a real-live running engine, while throwing a hands-on lesson in there, to boot.

This is a stepdad.

Blended Boys

Posted on September 27, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Blending families is an ongoing journey, even when you only have one school-age child. Differences in parenting styles become apparent fairly quickly, and when your child has special needs, it can be even more challenging. We have been lucky — The Man and I dated long-distance for several years, which gave us an opportunity to glimpse each other’s parenting styles and transition to a blended parenting style over time. To say that it’s a finished product would not be right – it continues to evolve, but it’s functioning, and a positive thing for The Boy to have two parents in our home.

The Man continues to learn about The Boy and his challenges. It can be unfortunate sometimes to have a disorder like autism, because it isn’t oustwardly visible, and people who don’t know will judge, while even people who do know will forget, myself included. Not forget that he has autism, but forget The Boy’s struggles and needs, even if momentarily. This happens with The Man from time to time, but we continue to communicate and progress on our journey.

The Man is a natural-born dad — he doesn’t know it, but sometimes I almost burst into happy tears at his small gestures towards The Boy. He doesn’t even realize that he is doing things for The Boy that have never been done for him before. And I have found that the one best thing for their growing relationship has been to force them together without me for awhile. I have had to leave for work for a few hours on each weekend, and they have gotten to hang out a lot more this month. And you know what? We’ve had fewer meltdowns from everyone involved.

Yesterday, The Man pulled into the yard, home from work, and immediately grabbed our knock-around bike from the shed to go join The Boy who was riding around the neighborhood with some other kids. And I watched, with those happy-tears in my eyes.

5 Tips to Being the Best Mom Ever

Posted on September 25, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I don’t claim to be the best mom ever, but I did have the best mom ever, so I have some familiarity with the subject. This list is from the perspective of a mom of a tween, so bear that in mind. I still think it applies at many levels of development (both yours and his):

Never stop showing them how much you love them. I’m lucky that The Boy still allows me to hug him, kiss his face, and cuddle him from time to time. He even holds my hand sometimes! I tell him I love him when I wake him up, when I say goodnight, and any other time I feel like it. To me, it never loses its meaning.
Try to remember what it’s like. The Boy is in middle school, and unfortunately, I remember middle school. No one wants to re-live it because it’s not a fun time for anyone. When I can remember this, I am much more compassionate towards him.
Put down the phone. Step away from the TV. I still struggle with this, and truthfully, he does, too. But we have so much more fun, and make so many more memories when we spend time together, often outside, doing stuff. And that’s what builds relationships.
Make him a priority. Notice I didn’t say the highest priority. But moms need to be involved and know what’s going on in a child’s life. If you don’t know every teacher’s name, and who he gets along with best, you’re behind. You don’t need to be a nuisance (like I am becoming, albeit for very good reasons), but you need to show through your actions that you are present, to both your child, and the school. Education works so much better that way. Trust me.
Try not to take it personally. When he gets snippy or disrespectful, doesn’t want to hold your hand, or seems aloof, it isn’t you. He’s figuring it all out, so give him the space to do so, while realizing that every kid does this. He still loves you, and may even like you 😉 Conversely, when his behavior needs to be corrected, take the personal out of it. Pretend you are the teacher (you know — the one that can’t scream back at a kid or curse) calmly trying to teach him a lesson about life… Because that’s exactly what you are.

As I said, I don’t claim to be the best mom ever, but I’m the best one The Boy’s ever had 😉 I’ve seen a lot of good moms during my time in the classroom, and I had the best mom ever growing up. The biggest thing to remember is this:

No one is the best every day. Just keep trying.

Your kids will love you for it.

Non-Warrior Pose

Posted on September 24, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve been in Warrior Mom mode since yesterday, sending emails to the school, rapid-fire (pew, pew, pew!), making phone calls to the county social services department to make sense of the mailings they sent in the wrong order, spending over an hour to modify an assignment for The Boy to do last night, and making an executive decision to skip Tuba practice as he fell asleep while doing said assignment.

And then the special soup I bought for dinner was gross, so I basically had cheese and crackers for my evening meal. And I had to wait for the boys to use the microwave for their own dinners, and mine was last and turned out to be yucky anyway.

And the ex emailed with more promises to call later this week (yeah, right).

And then the cop directing traffic this morning looked at me funny…

and I burst into tears.

I sent another email this morning, and had planned to do some medical legwork since I didn’t get anyone from the county to answer my questions yesterday. But I’m thinking I may just not.

I may just take a day to not fight the world.

I may do some yoga, may attempt to draw some more Zentangles.

I think I need to heed my own tears, spend some time in the sun, stop communicating with the sources of my frustrations, breathe, cry if necessary, but slow down and take a day with no anger or fear guiding my actions.

Sounds good, doesn’t it?

This Close

Posted on September 10, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I am THIS CLOSE to telling the ex to stop even trying to bother. Over the past couple of months, he has cancelled his August visitation (which has happened three out of the past four years, probably even longer), and then immediately promised The Boy he would see him for Thanksgiving. His “plan” was to have his mom fly down, fly back with The Boy, and then he himself would fly down again with him to drop him off, and fly back. He claimed his mom offered to pay for her tickets, and he (the ex) would pay for his own and for The Boy’s. Did you count how many tickets that was?

I knew before the words were even out of his mouth that it wouldn’t happen, but per usual, just nodded my head, and said, “Sure.” And The Boy has continued talking about seeing his dad’s kitties in November (the only part of his trips he is verbally concerned with). And every time, I remind him that it might not happen, and I-don’t-want-you-to-get-too-disappointed-if-it-doesn’t-happen… “I know, Mom,” he says.

And he does.

The text came tonight, saying he couldn’t afford the airfare, but that his girlfriend has a cousin in our state who will be alone for Thanksgiving, so they might…

JUST STOP.

That plan won’t happen either, because you will ask me to drive four hours, one way, to the middle of nowhere the night before Thanksgiving to make this work for you, and when I won’t, it will be my fault again that you will have missed another opportunity to spend time with your son.

I’m over it.

He’s over it.

It’s so much energy on everyone’s part, and the only thing created is headache and disappointment. I am THIS CLOSE to asking him to quit trying.