Category Archives: Single Momdom

Facebook Groups You Should Be Following

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If you are a Facebook user, you may have already seen something about these groups.  If not, you may want to add them to your feed.

Everyone Matters, according to their page, is a “global Inclusiveness campaign w Sir Paul McCartney, Nicole Kidman, Ellen D., Hugh Jackman, orgs & public with a message to judge others less, see the humanity in everyone, and emphasize that everyone has the right to be who they are.”  They highlight real stories from real people from all walks of life, as well as the usual graphics and pictures.  I often “share” what they post, so that I, too, can spread a message of inclusiveness for everyone. (@everyonematters on twitter)

EM fb page

Autism Shines, according to their page, allows you to “upload your photo of someone you love with autism, or yourself, and caption it with something great about them. Help us show the world all the positive attributes of autism!”  At first, I found the constant updates to my feed a tad excessive, but after awhile, I really grew to love the positive, beautiful pictures of children with autism from all over the world.  This page really puts a face (so many of them) to the label of “autism,” and it’s definitely not “Rain Man”. (@autismshines on twitter)

Single Mothers who have Children with Autism, is another page: “If you know or love someone with autism, have autism or just want to learn more about autism then you are welcome here. Follow us on twitter too at: www.twitter.com/SingleAutismMom”  I just started following this group, but I love that they share posts asking for advice.  They also share graphics with messages that jive with how I feel about autism in general, i.e. “Autism is not a choice, however Acceptance is.”

Finally, Shared Abilities is a new one for me, as well: “www.SharedAbilities.com is A Community for SHARING Information about Special Needs and Celebrating All We are ABLE to Accomplish!”  This is the Facebook page for a website with forums (fantastic resource for parents of kids with special needs!) and a newsletter.  They also post about various fundraisers and local opportunities all over the country. (@SharedAbilities on twitter)

You see, I use my Facebook page to share things that I think the people who care about me (and my son) ought to know, if they don’t already.  I love being a voice for people with autism, and indeed anyone seeking acceptance.  If others find that obnoxious, that’s their problem, and not mine.

I hope you check these pages out — I know they’re worth your time.

Now What?

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When you tell people you are engaged, they immediately ask you something along the lines of, “Now what?”: Have you set a date?  Where will you live?  What are your plans????

While I’m not going to say that we haven’t thought about these things (because I am a planner, after all, and that is just who I am), I must say that I’m having a great time just reveling in the feeling of being engaged, of having someone who loves me utterly, who has done one of the most vulnerable and romantic things a man can do, which is propose that we commit our lives to each other.

And perspective is an amazing thing.  I’ve done this before, and it’s almost amusing to look at a bridal magazine and all the infinite, intricate pieces of a wedding that are out there as ideas, and products, and kits, and… whew!  It’s a relief to have this experience behind me that makes me shake my head, laugh a little, and say to myself, “So unnecessary”…

So while I’m thinking about the “getting married” part (which pieces are important, and which pieces just really aren’t) because weddings are fun, I’m also thinking about the “Now What?” after the wedding.  Being a wife, blending a family, the big changes in my life (our lives!), and the one man who loves me enough to take it all on with me.

Have a beautiful day!

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Humiliating Your Child Is Not Parenting

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Did you see the Facebook post of the parent who took a picture of her son with his Playstation and a Captain America figure, and the sign he held up that said something like, “I had to return the Playstation I was going to get for Christmas because I didn’t show enough gratitude for the Captain America figure I got.”

Really?  This is what you came up with to teach your son about gratitude?  Using social media as a weapon, a source of humiliation and embarrassment?

I think there’s a growing trend of extremism in all aspects of society, and I think parenting has not escaped this trend.  Listen, I am not a pushover teacher.  I have many students who are not used to hearing the word, “no”, but I will say it as many times as it takes to be understood.  But in teaching and parenting, one must realize that we are dealing with children, who by very definition are still learning how to be human beings, which means they will make mistakes.  And when they make those mistakes, humiliating them in front of millions of people (or even your closest 200 friends) might not be the best approach, nor will it be very effective in teaching the lesson you would like them to learn.  The “lesson” or consequence should be immediate, should fit the action or behavior, and should directly relate to what you’d like them to learn.

If my son didn’t show the appropriate amount of gratitude, I would first ask myself, “Did I explain to him what my expectations were about showing gratitude when receiving a gift?”  If I didn’t, then we go back and review those – you can’t blame a kid who doesn’t know the parameters.  If I did make my expectations clear, I would remind him of my expectations, ask him to think about the amount of gratitude he showed when receiving the gift, and then ask him what he thinks we should do to fix the situation.  We might verbally apologize, send a hand-written thank-you note to the gift-giver, or even plan a volunteer experience with people who are less fortunate so we might learn a little bit about giving and receiving, wanting and needing, and all of the emotions involved (and how they are communicated).

You don’t get respect unless you give it.  Our children, who are still learning, and who will make mistakes, deserve our respect, not our ridicule.

disrespect

A Pleasant Surprise

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Here’s the shocker: The Boy actually went to his dad’s for a whole two weeks, and they had a great time.  And his dad actually spent time with him, rather than working and foisting his son onto his girlfriend or his mother (of course, he’s been laid off, so I’m not sure it was a conscious choice, but it’s something).  They went sledding, bowling, and to an aviation museum, and I think, just maybe, the ex is starting to realize what a neat kid we made together.

I’m not saying he’s a changed man.  The Boy came home with cat scratches covering his hands, and his boots were left behind.  A hearing is about to be scheduled for nonpayment of child support, and the ex is talking about paying for two plane tickets to come and gather The Boy after we move.  (I don’t really see the second half of that sentence happening because of the first part of that sentence).  But I’m hoping that the ex has come to understand how important it is for him to see his son (more than he did in 2012), and I’m hoping he has come to understand that it isn’t up to me to make sure that happens.

As I said, only time will tell.  But it is nice to get a pleasant surprise once in awhile!

The Boy and his dad

All Wrong

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I just realized I did this all wrong.  I mentioned before about the day I have to drive away being the worst. And I let myself be a baby and cry all I want.  That day is today.  And I should’ve pampered myself a little.  I should have reserved a little nicer room, something to take the sting out of this awful, awful feeling and the tears that pop up at every little thing.

But tomorrow will be better.  I will get The Boy back after two weeks (TWO WEEKS!), and I will get to see his smiling face and hear his laugh again.

And as The Man has reminded me several times today (he always calls me a few times on this day, I think to try to cheer me up), there are only about five months until we don’t have to do this anymore.  Which is really something good, because this gets so much harder every single time.

So tonight I will watch sappy Lifetime and Oxygen movies, do my nails, and hang out in my bathrobe in my hotel room.  Tomorrow, I pick up my little partner and chip away at those last five months.

Hindsight

Goodbye, 2012

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I suppose everyone has their own year-end list, but mine might be a bit different.

This year, I am thankful for

  • The Boy adapting so well to 5th grade, and making such big strides in terms of independence
  • My deepening relationship with The Man, now taking that next step
  • Finding balance between work and home, most days
  • The love and support of my friends and family, who remain incredibly supportive of our upcoming major life changes
  • You people!  Yes, you all, who are so supportive of my blog.  I LOVE doing this, and while I would still do it if no one was reading, it makes it that much more fun and satisfying that people are enjoying it.

I hope you, too, have much to be thankful for about 2012, and even more to be thankful for in the coming year.

Happy New Year!!

Ohio River

 

Missing

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The Boy is at his dad’s and has been for about a week.  He sounds happy and relatively tired when I talk to him on the phone each night.  While I miss him a bit, I am still savoring the respite: besides a few days this summer (Thank you, Fantastic Babysitter!) and a few days in June (Thank you, Grammy & Poppy!), this is the first extended break I’ve had since February.  In fact, by the end of this next week, it will be the longest time I can remember being separated from The Boy, ever.  For the same reason that I don’t feel guilty for being a working mom, and for the same reason I don’t feel guilty when I have the rare opportunity to go out with friends or The Man, I don’t feel guilty about enjoying this time right now.

This makes me a better mom.

respite

Without this time away, the threshhold for frustration gets dangerously low, and a whole range of negative emotions starts brewing.

The Man and I do feel like something (someone, more like) is missing at times, and we get bored a little more easily.  Ask me in three days, and I will definitely be missing The Boy fiercely.  But for right now, it feels good to not really have to worry about meds, schedules, and sharp crayons.  And The Boy is actually spending time with his dad.  It’s a win-win.

Happy Day

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Christmas morning, The Man and I got up leisurely and decided to open our presents to each other before my parents came over for the meal, stockings, and all of the other gifts.

I gave him his gift, cleverly disguised (he told me later he thought I had bought him a large tool set, but they were actually three framed engineering prints in poster frames, which were also a great cover for the real gift — a gift card to the tool store).

Then it was my turn.  I had told The Man that I would like a watch for Christmas, and lo and behold, there was a watch-shaped box under the tree with my name on it. I unwrapped it to find “Parker” on the top of the box.  “Parker pens?” I asked, not expecting a response.  Sure enough, I opened the box and found a nice pen and pencil set, not what I expected but nice enough.  I pulled out the mechanical pencil to see how to activate the mechanism, which The Man promptly grabbed from me, leaving me to examine the pen.  I turned it over and noticed his name engraved on it… What the —??

I had not noticed The Man getting off the couch and doing some other stuff in my peripheral vision.  At the very moment I was thinking this could quite possibly be a very rough day, he suggested I look again under the tree, because he thought he saw another gift for me under there…

And there was a ring box.

After uttering his name, and looking at him to see if he was for real, I reached down, grabbed the box, opened it, and realized what he was giving me.  He asked me if I would marry him, and I said, “You know I will!”

my RING!

Sneaky, sneaky man.  He did an amazing job remembering exactly what I liked.  And now we are engaged!  He says he had no idea those pens had his name engraved on them, but wrapped them knowing I would think it was a watch.  He knows me so well.

I am a lucky, lucky (and happy!) woman.

 

No Offense, But…

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You know when someone starts a sentence like that, you are going to immediately take offense.  It’s a given.  I’m pretty sure there’s even some physical, defensive response in most people upon hearing that phrase uttered.

The Boy’s class is having a “garage sale” tomorrow to simulate buying and selling products, and I suppose it’s a lesson in social studies.  Of course, with our busy, busy lives over the past couple of weeks, I put off the preparations for this garage sale until this evening.  The idea is that students will find things at home that they do not have a use for anymore, and put those in their desktop sale.  Most kids with autism that I know would (and do) have a real problem with giving up their stuff, so we had a bit of an issue.

I wasn’t sure how many of these “items” we needed, so I contacted a friend who’s daughter went through the same school a few years ago, and asked her if she knew.  She contacted another parent of a 5th grader and reported back to me.  She said this other parent suggested 10-20 items, and that if the kids didn’t want to give anything up, they could do a craft.  My friend asked her if The Boy might draw something (because she knows how much he loves to draw).  This mom responded, “No offense, but it should be something the kids actually want.”

Now, this is secondhand information, and like texts and email, a lot of nuance can be lost.  I’m sure this mom really meant no harm, and she was actually being helpful by passing along information about this event.  But like one of my other favorite phrases (“Don’t worry about it!”), it ends up being immediately offensive, and just by adding “No offense” to the beginning doesn’t give you a pass.  Just because you don’t mean to offend someone doesn’t mean that you won’t end up actually doing it.  It’s a pretty useless prefix.

I know that maybe other 5th graders may not appreciate The Boy’s artwork as much as I do, but there are some really great kids in his class who would probably purchase a few of his items.  In fact some of his “longer works”, which are often pages of comic books that are running through his head, are pretty cool and entertaining.

I’m not upset.  I know that my kid rocks, and I don’t need anyone else’s approval.  But I think the phrase, “No offense…” needs to be put to rest.

apic