The Fight

Posted on August 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Last week, The Man and I had a moment, a disagreement, shall we say. And I wasn’t sure if I was gonna go there, if I was going to share with you about this experience, because, well, some things are private, and dirty laundry and all that. But I decided that sharing the essence of what happened is important because the whole point of this blog is sharing my true experiences as a single mom, now remarried mom raising a boy with autism, and possibly showing others in the same or similar boat that they aren’t alone.

So we had a moment. We were getting ready to leave the house to visit some friends for dinner, all three of us. The Man and The Boy had a disagreement in the kitchen about which lunchable to take with us in case he didn’t like the food being served. The Man got angry and stomped off. I assisted The Boy with his lunchable, got his things together and we went to wait in the car. After waiting in the car for a bit, it was clear The Man wasn’t coming right out, so I went in.

And we argued. And neither one of us was completely rational — I know I was defensive (naturally). The argument petered out enough so that we could go be social with our friends, and over the course of dinner, everything got turned right again. Afterwards, we apologized to each other and talked a bit about what happened, and it was all good.

But I continued to think about the argument, because I had rarely been so angry with The Man. And I wondered at my reaction, and then it dawned on me. The previous day, I had reacted to The Boy much the same way when he refused to leave Grammy’s house at the appointed time, even with the help of multiple timers. I was frustrated and handled it badly — I had stomped off in anger. And that’s OK. Everyone who lives with autism has those moments, where we rebel against this thing that runs our life sometimes, because it’s not fair. We react, lightning-quick, with anger because just for that second our resources of patience have run thin from over-use. We are human.

I had gotten so angry at The Man for being human, for having a moment of weakness, for not being perfect when I clearly wasn’t the day before.

The point is, if you live with autism, and never “lose it”, you need to be recommended for sainthood. I know I’m not a saint, and I know I didn’t marry a saint. And recognizing that, and seeing myself in my husband was a much needed paradigm shift.

You Are Not a Failure

Posted on June 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

A mom posted on Single mothers who have children with autism’s facebook page about feeling like a failure because her son was being pulled from mainstreamed classes, and placed into a special education classroom. My heart breaks when I read things like that.

I think every Special Needs Parent has those moments, hours, days, weeks, or even years, when we feel like we are the biggest failures on the planet, and we feel that pain so much more deeply because we know how much our kids need us not to fail. But. We can not allow ourselves to feel that way for too long, for that very same reason – our kids need us to pick ourselves up and keep rolling that rock up the mountain. It’s OK to fall, to stumble, to crawl into bed and lock the door once in awhile (assuming everyone else is relatively safe). But we can’t stay there, and we definitely can’t get into the habit of pointing fingers at ourselves too often.

Maybe it would help to remember those naysayers we have all encountered. The ignorant, mean-spirited people we have come across. And then in our weakest moments, imagine what kind of a job they would do in our place. You see, no one is perfect, and none of us were prepared for this job. And there was certainly no manual. But we are some of the quickest studies on the planet. We can read our children’s faces down to the slightest waggle of an eyebrow, and be able to interpret emotion from it. We can come up with backup plans on the fly, salvage nasty situations, and calm our children when no one else can. In the eyes of our children, we are MOM (or DAD), the one and only. Learning from mistakes is part of the game. It’s not learning from them that is a failure.

Be nice to yourself, parents. Try not to beat yourself up too bad. It’s a waste of energy, and you’ve got too much other stuff to do!

Men and Boys

Posted on May 18, 2013 by simpleijustdo

There are things in this world that boys need to learn from adults. I find that as a single mom, some things slip through the cracks, and I’m surprised when I realize The Boy doesn’t know something (like what the phrase “laughing like a hyena” means). Since The Man has been in our lives, he has often stepped in to teach The Boy something that boys (and really all growing kids) should know how to do, like ride a bike:

Today, we had an up and down day, which ended up being mostly up. Luckily, we were able to turn around a dramatic morning and spent most of the beautiful day at the park. When we eventually came home, The Man immediately set The Boy to work, teaching him how to wash Mom’s car:

The Man even points out to me the times when I am doing something for The Boy that he could be doing himself. I bristled at this at first, but it didn’t take me long to realize that he wasn’t telling me how to parent The Boy, and that he was usually right. Now I find his insights invaluable, and these lessons he teaches The Boy are so important. And even more important is the relationship that comes from these lessons and insight. This stuff makes me smile. 🙂

Nothing’s Impossible

Posted on May 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Single Mothers who have Children with Autism facebook page recently posted a reminder that taking a break from your routine and taking care of yourself is important. Yet many commenters responded bitterly that it just wasn’t possible, and people who say that mean well, but that’s the last thing single moms need to hear.

I disagree.

Nothing’s Impossible

People, if something isn’t going right in your life, you have to make the change happen. Do you think a respite fairy is going to land on your head and grant you three Friday evenings to yourself? I have no nuclear family in the area, yet I am able to take an evening off every once in awhile. Granted, I make a decent wage, and I get that it can be extremely hard financially – money was extremely tight after my divorce, because I was digging myself out of debt. I know that feeling. But there are ways, and you have to find them! Insisting that it’s impossible and defeating yourself before you even start will turn you bitter, and as a result, everyone around you, including your children will suffer. I know people like this. Their negativity is like a virus. And when they don’t take time for themselves, they are more apt to run out of patience and snap at their kids, become exhausted and ill, and it spirals downward from there.

Some ideas:

A break from routine is not necessarily a break from your child(ren). I know routines are the safety zone for kids with autism, but I have written before about how amazing it was to stop and get myself a sweet tea after a meltdown-y morning – it was FANTASTIC, and it had a lasting effect. Something small like that is a great way to start treating yourself kindly. Lord knows our kids won’t always show us the same kindness!

I am lucky that my child enjoys latchkey – it is relatively inexpensive through the school, and gives me a much needed break from ALL kids after work, because he doesn’t like to be picked up until 5pm. I don’t pay any extra for keeping him there until 5pm, and it is an excellent opportunity to unwind a bit before the evening routine begins.

Groups like The ARC often have respite grants for members, and membership dues are often inexpensive or even free. This is a GREAT resource that is oftentimes underutilized, which means you have a great chance of getting some money to help defray the cost of even a family member providing some babysitting for you.

Have a friend with a special needs child? Share the babysitting costs, OR offer to watch the kids for an hour, if she’ll take them next time.

Feel like your calendar is too full to take a moment for yourself? Pencil yourself in. You need to be a priority in your own life. There’s no excuse for that.

Can’t find quality help? Ask at your school – sometimes the parapros (or aides) need some extra cash, and already have a relationship with your child. Maybe your local high school has some National Honor Society students interested in becoming special education teachers (and they probably need service hours and would do it for free).

Sometimes just having an extra pair of eyes in the house while you do chores (or sleep!) can be a weight off your shoulders. Again – get a high school student to come in and be your eyes and ears (or entertainment for the kiddos) while you get stuff done. The more time they spend with your kids, the more they will learn about what to do – special needs babysitters in training!

Bartering is getting big. Is there something you could do for someone in return for them watching your kiddos for a bit? Bake some banana bread? Fix a networking glitch? Give someone swimming lessons?

If none of these ideas will work for you, I feel for you. I completely understand that some children’s needs are severe, meaning breaks a just going to be harder to come by. But you can’t stop trying. You have to find a way. We special needs parents are in extreme danger of burnout and battle fatigue, and the very reasons many moms and dads say they “just can’t take a break” are the same exact reasons they must. Our children need us at our best, so we can handle the worst for a long time to come.

I Wanted to Sing from Here

Posted on April 25, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Last night was The Boy’s Choir concert. This is his second year in the choir, and he has been less enthusiastic recently, I think in part because the time of the rehearsals changed to before school, and he would have to miss Kids Club. Also, his voice is changing dramatically. He has been missing so many rehearsals, I had emailed his teacher thinking he wasn’t going to participate in the concert. But she assured me that he was expected, and they would love to have him there, so I made sure he was ready to the best of my ability.

These concerts, from a parent’s perspective, can be challenging. In our community, parents are hyper-involved. To the point that you want to tell them all to just go home. The first day of school is absolutely chaotic, because every parent wants to escort their child from the parking lot to the door of their classroom. When you have 800 elementary school students, and at least two family member accompanying them, you can imagine the scene, and hopefully you can understand my eye roll.

Concerts are no different, except there’s a twist. Not only do both parents come, but the entire extended family comes, complete with expensive florist bouquets for their little star. And they save seats. What are we, in second grade ourselves, at the lunch table? And not just one or two seats. The family in front of us last night had seven seats “saved”, and turned away several families looking for seats. There have been several years when I had to stand because I wasn’t going to haggle for a place to sit.

In any case, it can be tense, and it can be difficult to enjoy. But this year was an exception. We went early, made sure we had a parking spot and didn’t need to hike six blocks to the school. We got good seats, got The Boy settled with his classmates after walking the halls for quite awhile until there was adult supervision in his room, and were ready for the show to start, feeling apprehensive about the screaming babies, and the seat-savers, and the woman with extremely big hair in front of us.

The choir was first, and they were great. I don’t think they’ve had such a big choir in a long time. The Boy sang, and fit right in for the first two songs. And then the third tune came, complete with all kinds of “moves”. And of course, The Boy didn’t have much of a clue because he hasn’t been to rehearsal. But it turned out to be adorable and funny, and just the type of thing we could expect from him. All the kids would turn around, and he was the only one facing front, and he’s not hard to spot in a crowd of fifth graders because he’s taller than 99% of them! But rather than be embarrassed, we laughed because it was so him, and I was proud that he wanted to be with his friends and participate.

The rest of the grades were cute (how can you not enjoy a bunch of kindergartners singing??), and then all the kids came back in for the finale. Just before the (planned) encore, The Boy slipped away from his classmates, and zipped across the front of the auditorium. My mom nudged me, and before I had time to panic, he was making his way down our row, heading for the empty seat next to me. He sat down and explained, “I wanted to sing this one from here!” and I couldn’t have a problem with that. He did sing, and it was really cool to hear him up close. It may not have been typical, but so what? I’m a proud mama anyway.

Thanks to my Village

Posted on March 24, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our crisis-of-the-week has apparently averted. Fantastic Babysitter is doing me a huge favor and providing The Boy a place to stay for a night and transportation to meet the ex on the day he requested. The ex has relented (and apparently forgotten the crazy-making way he treated me/us) and has agreed to pick The Boy up according to the new plan. How could he say no?

If left to my own devices, this would not have been possible. If not for a friend at work who suggested the plan and insisted that I was not “giving in” to the ex if I were able to make it happen, I would have resisted making any concessions, or lifting a finger to aid that man. If not for Fantastic Babysitter, it wouldn’t even be possible.

And before you raise an eyebrow and think to yourself, “But what if he doesn’t show up?”, we got that covered, too. Again, thanks to Fantastic Babysitter (Now do you see why I call her that??).

Thanks to my friends who help me whether I know I need it or not. Thanks to my village, that helps me raise my child and be a better mom (and a better person). Thanks to them, this will turn out OK.

Threats and Knots

Posted on March 21, 2013 by simpleijustdo

You know how some people thrive on conflict, and when they can’t find any create some on which to feed? Yeah, that’s not me. When my parents (very rarely) argued when I was little, I would crawl under tables and hide in closets and they weren’t even shouting at each other. Conflict ties my stomach in knots and makes me head for the bathroom.

The ex is one of those that thrives on conflict. He also has anger issues, so things can escalate quickly, loudly, and threateningly. Today, he has threatened to contest our move down south. Not when I told him we were moving in December. Not on February 10 which was the last time he spoke to his son until Monday. Nope. Today. Why? Because he isn’t happy that I am unable and unwilling to adjust my vacation plans (i.e. cut my vacation short by 2 days) to accommodate his inability to pick up his son in a timely fashion for his visitation on spring break.

Luckily, this escalation was all via text, and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. My side: all business (the parenting agreement states… I can meet you on these dates… it is your visitation, so you need to make the arrangements). His side: all bluster (expletive… don’t you dare threaten me… I will contest your move… you might be very nervous come this spring). All in text, all documented.

And my stomach is in knots.

And I’ve contacted my attorney.

Another Huge Meltdown

Posted on February 25, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We don’t often see huge meltdowns from The Boy. We are lucky. Yesterday, we paid our dues.

We were at a big show in the downtown-big city, at a large convention center, and after being told he couldn’t do an activity because it was time to go home, The Boy started yelling. I gave my purse to The Man and began walking The Boy to the front of the hall, towards the lobby. He was yelling the whole time, and got away from me a couple of times, but I eventually got him out to the lobby. I don’t know what I expected when I got there, but it surely wasn’t the full throttle, running, kicking, screaming (“I’m going to kill you!”, “I’m going to call the police!”), escaping, knocking-down-signs, knocking-down-mom kinda thing I got.

Yep, I got tossed, too.

The Boy is bigger, although he was plenty to handle the last time something like this happened. I cannot just pick him up (or even attempt to) anymore. At one point, I looked at The Man and said, “I don’t know what to do,” and there was nothing we could do. We let it peter out, got him seated on the floor near the coat check, and then my brain kicked in. He was not listening to me (all I was saying was “stop” because I knew he was too far gone to listen to anything else), so I got on the phone and called people I thought he might listen to. I got a hold of his ASD teacher, who agreed to speak to him, and within a minute, he was ok enough to get his coat on so we could head home.

The Boy spoke to Fantastic Babysitter in the car on the way home for quite awhile, which was an excellent distraction, and had the desired calming effect. When we got home, I let him be for awhile, and then we talked about what had happened. I’m not satisfied that we’ve processed it properly, but I’m going to keep working on it.

The Man and I were shaken, but he was perfect. He held my purse, and followed us (but not too closely!) during the whole thing, even speaking with a few people who were concerned. He said this morning like he felt he hadn’t done enough, but he did — he helped me with the aftermath, my aftermath. I was wrecked, emotional, and exhausted, and he took care of me. That’s what I need from him — I need him to look after me, so that I’m OK to look after my son.

It was an emotional day, but I was proud of myself for remaining relatively calm, and not resentful of The Boy at all. I felt so bad that we had a breakdown in communication, and I felt bad that he lost control. I can only guess what that feels like, and I’m sure I wouldn’t like it. I was proud of him for coming out of it, and I was proud of The Man for how he handled himself. Now I need to go see what I can do about these sore muscles…

What’s Working

Posted on February 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I talk about a lot of stuff that I’m going to do, but I don’t always get back to you and let you know what’s working, so…

The cold oatmeal in a jar? That’s been working! Like clockwork. Except just in the last week or so, I’ve been getting a little sick of it, so I’m going to switch up some flavors.
The 6-Shelf Sweater Sorter! The Boy actually filled it himself this past weekend and was proud of himself for doing so. And the best part is that he is wearing every pair of his pants now, not the same pair every day. Success! It also keeps me on track with making sure the laundry gets done so it can be filled.
It’s early days yet, but the Magnetic Menu Planner is working SO well! It helps with making the grocery list, and reminding me what’s planned (and what needs to be defrosted, etc.). I have been cooking like a fiend, and loving it. I’m even freezing leftovers and reducing waste.

Another success I’ve had recently is with chores. I have written about allowance, and not basing it on chores before, but saw this post about how to make a visual chart for kids, and allowing them to have input. I implemented only the chart of what gets done each day, and The Boy is actually doing chores (like wiping the kitchen counter, and picking up his things)! The best part? We haven’t even talked about allowance – he’s doing it because I need him to help out (and I need to teach him basic living skills). You can’t get any better than that.

Take a minute and think about what’s working for you lately. Let us know how it’s going in the comments below.

Most Important

Posted on February 15, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Passage of Time (Photo credit: ToniVC)

The Boy and I are first to the school every single day, with the exception of the lone morning custodian. He lets us in the door shortly after 7am, and we wait, often for at least 10 minutes, until other faces arrive, children and their parents, but rarely the same ones. And then around 7:15am, the Kids Club staff arrive.

There have been a couple of times when a parent has come in, assumed I worked for Kids Club, and promptly left their children with a quick peck on the cheek. Nevermind my big puffy coat and scarf… Or there are times when a parent comes in, constantly looking at his/her watch, declaring over and over how they have to get to work (as if I don’t). Today, a woman actually pecked her kids and told them she was going to go wait by the door, because she had to “skedaddle”… Yep, that 15 seconds from the gym to the parking lot door is really going to make a difference, Lady.

When I overhear things like this, I often look at the kids, who look embarrassed and sad. All of these parents are sending a message, with their words, actions and body language that no kid could miss — work is more important.

There are times when we have a rough morning, and yes it’s irritating to have to text my boss and tell him I am running late, but he’s my kid. There is nothing on this planet more important than him. And if I have to be a few minutes late to work, so be it.

I hope these parents get a clue before their children are grown and gone, but realistically how will they learn?