Tag Archives: divorce

A Different IKEA Effect on Singlemomdom

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I can remember living in the same house the three of us lived in, only after the divorce, and the toilet seat broke.  Having a broken toilet seat is not just something you can live with, so I needed to solve the problem for myself, especially with an octogenarian landlord.  I went and purchased a new seat, and installed it myself, and for the first time, I realized that I really could do this being single thing.

 

After dividing up our assets, I needed some new furniture.  At the very least, I needed new things to look at if I had to stay in the same house.  My parents had come up to stay for a month or so, to help me purchase a car and get things settled before the school year started.  Enter IKEA.  I think I spent $800 in one day.  I had never, ever spent that much money in one place at one time, ever in my life.  But as some of you may know, $800 goes a long way at IKEA.

 

And as you may also know, IKEA purchases are almost always un-assembled, meaning you have to put them together.  It was a project, but with my parents’ help, we got it done, and it really started to feel like a different place, with my personal touches (including a duvet cover with flowers on it, just because I could).

 

And since that time, I have made more purchases, always putting it all together myself.  And every time it reminds me of how strong I have become, how capable, and how independent one can be, even when they don’t know it.  IKEA was good therapy for this single mom, and I suspect for many others out there.  If you are struggling with the emotions of a divorce, get yourself to an IKEA store, bring home a project, build it yourself, and give yourself a little reminder that yes, indeed, you can do this.

 

English: Logo of Ikea.

For the record, this post was inspired by this story on NPR, and also for the record, not all IKEA furniture is pressboard junk.

 

But What Do I Do?

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I spent some time on divorce forums after the split, hoping to find a community, mostly to help me work through my anger and hostility toward my ex.  I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to feel this way, and I still had some raw emotions, even though we hadn’t really loved each other in a long, long while.  In those forums, people would inevitably post questions about what to do when…

  • their ex didn’t pay child support
  • their ex didn’t show up for visitation
  • their ex yelled at them on the phone
  • their ex didn’t call enough
  • their ex cancelled plans at the last minute
  • their ex brought the girlfriend to parent-teacher conferences

and so on, and so on…

“But what do I do??” they would plead.

After awhile, even I knew the answer to every single question like this:  “Nothing!”

You do not have control over your ex.  You can’t make him (or her) do (or not do) anything.  The only thing you can control is your reaction to his/her actions. (Notice I didn’t say feelings – you can’t control feelings, and anything you feel is natural – let it be).  The ex doesn’t pay child support?  Find a way to live without it, and keep track.  Find out what your state agency will do for you and when.  Give them a friendly phone call and ask for enforcement.  The ex doesn’t show up for visitation?  Have a back up plan (always), and use it.  The ex yells at you on the phone?  Hang up.  The ex doesn’t call enough?  His/her loss.  (This is a hard one, when you know your child may be hurting.  Help them to know how much they are loved, use a backup plan, and know that in the end, your child will learn valuable lessons from this, and love you even more for being there for them).  The ex cancels plans?  Use your resources to cover childcare if necessary, and use your backup plan.  The ex brought the girlfriend to conferences?  In the whole scheme of things, it probably isn’t that big of a deal.  In any case, it’s out of your control, and as much as it is hard to accept sometimes, worrying about things that are not in your control is a waste of energy.  Save it for the big battles.

That being said, you can cordially express your displeasure with the ex about any of these things.  But don’t expect an appropriate, cordial response.  Document everything, know your rights, and if they are being violated (or your parenting agreement is not being met, etc.), step up and say something.  But always ask yourself if you are really just trying to control the situation.  Trying to control your ex will get you nothing but a headache.

The Ex and his Control Issues

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English: Cell phone icon

At least, that’s one theory about what’s going on (or not going on, as the case may be).

I texted the ex: “We need to talk about Christmas so that we are on the same page”.  He responded, “Sounds good.  I will call Friday night around 7 if that’s ok”.  I replied, “We’re going to the movies for Fun Friday… How about 8?”  His response, “That will work.  Talk to ya then.”

Sounds like a pretty cordial conversation, right?  The most cordial we’ve had all year, in fact.  The outcome?  No call around 8pm.  In fact, he didn’t call until over an hour later, and I didn’t answer.  I was already on the phone, and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have responded.  Am I playing games?  No.  I am showing him that my time is valuable, and when we make an agreement, he needs to stick to it.  Just like if I let him swear at me, and continue talking to him, that communicates to him that it’s OK to swear at me.  If I answer the phone when he calls an hour late, that communicates to him that it’s just fine for him to do that, and it’s not.  I’m not trying to control his behavior, but I am trying to get him to be respectful in his dealings with me.

He left a voicemail saying, “Sorry for not calling right at 8, I got busy.  I’ll try giving you another call tomorrow.”

He never called back.  We’ll keep trying, I suppose.

Questions

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Lots of questions today.  As usual, in the car.

The Boy:”Why is it just you and me?”

Me: “What do you mean?  Are you asking why your dad and I got divorced?”

B: “Yeah.”

M: “Your dad and I just didn’t get along anymore.  That happens sometimes.”

B: “Are you going to change your last name?”

M: “If The Man and I get married, that will probably happen.”

B: “Will my name change too?”

M: “That’s up to you.  Do you want it to change?”

(no answer)

B: “Are you and The Man going to have any more kids?  Will I get a brother?”

M: “Nope.”

B: “Why not?”

M: “The Man and I are too old to have any more kids.  So it’ll be just you.”

B: “I’m going to have a bunch of kids.  A whole pile.”

M: “Don’t you think you better check with your wife first?”

B: “I’m going to have a lot of kids.”

—

This entire conversation took place in the space of about one minute.  Such heady stuff for a 10 year old.  I sometimes find it difficult not to let my surprise (that he’s asking about these things) show.  These are, of course, things that we have talked about before (OK, maybe not the “pile” of kids thing, but the other stuff).  I think he finds comfort in the consistency of my answers.  That’s my theory anyway.  I hope he does.

Dating and the Single Mom

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The second guy I dated post-divorce looked great on paper.  He was an engineer, about my age.  He had a daughter, so he knew what single parenting was like.  He not only listened to NPR, he liked the same programs I did.  And he read books.  We seemed to hit it off in our emails, and agreed to go out on a date after I returned from Spring Break (this was back in 2009).  We met for coffee and walked around town a bit.  It was OK, but I wasn’t sure about seeing him again. We get along well, and there were times when we were talking when I forgot I was on a first date with the guy. I had a good time. He was a bit geeky, but so am I. I just got the feeling that he said things because he thought he was supposed to say them, and I didn’t like that. I just wasn’t sure.

John Denver's Greatest Hits

John Denver’s Greatest Hits (Photo credit: thejcgerm)

The next week, I had tickets to see David Sedaris and no one to go with, so I figured I’d give the guy another chance because first dates can be nerve-wracking.  Afterwards, I tried to pinpoint the moment in the evening when I decided it was a no-go… Maybe it was the suggestion to go canoeing that weekend (I had already explained my aversion to camping-type activities)? Or was it the “Who is your favorite musician?” question (Really? Do people still ask things like that? And hello, I teach music!), or the revelation shortly thereafter that his favorite was John Denver?… Yes, we seemed to get along well, but he wasn’t all that interesting or funny, and he stared at me A LOT. Maybe it was the mention of going to some weekend-long bike race the following month… Or the thousand times he asked me something I’d already told him…

In any case, David Sedaris was hilarious, and it was well worth it all. I would follow that man on his book tour like a groupie if I didn’t have a day job.

And I learned a bit more about what I wanted and and more precisely, didn’t want in a partner.  Always a good thing to figure out when you are a dating single mom.

PS I’m not a John Denver hater.  His Christmas album with the Muppets gets played every year in my house.  But favorite musician of all time??…

Forgiveness

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I'm okay, you're... well, maybe not

I’m okay, you’re… well, maybe not (Photo credit: pdxjmorris)

Therapists are big on forgiveness, aren’t they?  The books I read post-divorce include forgiveness as a necessary step to healing.  In my own case, it’s been hard.

I had so much anger before, during, and after the divorce.  I placed all of the blame on the ex’s shoulders.  I had so many stories to tell, and people listening would shake their heads, amazed that I had put up with it for so long.  The day after my divorce was final, I remember sharing the news at work, and having others look at me funny because I wasn’t supposed to be so happy.

I reveled in my singlemomdom.  There was so much freedom.  Take a weekend trip with The Boy?  Why, I could, couldn’t I?  Buy a duvet cover with flowers on it?  Yes, please.  Fall asleep in a quiet house?  Heaven.  I also reveled in my anger and my indignation.  The ex was clearly the spawn of Satan, and I had been a saint to last as long as I had.

As time passed, and upon more reflection, I began to realize my part in the downfall of our marriage.  I realized that I had stopped communicating, that I had belittled him, that I had not been strong enough to fight him more on the big issues.  And that maybe he wasn’t the spawn of Satan.  Maybe.

Four years later, I am to the lovely point at which I am mostly indifferent.  The thought of this person that I was married to for ten years rarely even crosses my mind, if at all.  If it does, the thought is apathetic, with no real malice or anger.  He can live his life as he pleases, and it has nothing to do with me.

Except when it does.  When our little link is affected.  When his actions hurt our little boy, I get angry, I blame, I shake with emotion.  And this is why I am not, and don’t think I will ever be to the point of forgiveness.  Lots of moms have this fierce emotion, this snarling-mama-bear-oh-no-you-di’nt reaction, that I think is even ferocious in those of us with kids with special needs.  Because in many cases, our kids can’t express or process their emotions as well as the rest of us.  Because our kids already go through enough. Because we go through enough.  ENOUGH.

I can forgive strangers, because you can dismiss strangers as not knowing any better, being ignorant, or hateful, or stupid. But the ex is not a stranger, and he cannot be written off as ignorant.

It’s really hard to forgive someone who should be protecting his son as fiercely as I am.

And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it.

And I’m OK with that.

The Ex and Empty Promises

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Red phone

Red phone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The ex and I divorced 4 years ago, and in that time, The Boy has been on the receiving end of many empty and broken promises.  These range from “I’ll call you on Thursday,” (empty) to “I’m not going to be picking him up for his week with me,” (broken).  As you can imagine, this would devastate any kid, but to a kid with autism, who is reliant on schedules, timers, and routine, it can be catastrophic.

This was actually a common theme before the divorce, so I am used to it, but The Boy was 6 when we divorced, and has learned only by experiencing it so often over the past four years.  He still enjoys talking to his dad, and still enjoys visits to his dad’s when they occur, but the empty promises wreak much less havoc now.  There are still tears, and “Why isn’t he coming to pick me up?” but he now knows his dad has a tendency to break promises, and he’s starting to understand that it’s something we can’t do anything about.

The only thing I can do is to make sure I don’t break my promises to The Boy.  It’s very important to me that he knows he can rely on me, and he does because I’m consistent.  There are times I know he thinks I’m the meanest mom in the world, but he knows I love him, I will never leave him, and he can always count on me.

After the Divorce: Money

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Image representing LearnVest as depicted in Cr...

Image via CrunchBase

I don’t know about you, but it wasn’t just my emotional life that was in a shambles after my divorce.  I think my finances were in even worse shape.  In my own case, this was because I had done the hands-down, stupidest thing a woman can ever do with her money — gave control of it to someone else.  If there was one thing, ONE THING, I could go back and change, it would be that.  That’s not to say that I didn’t see the light before the end.  For years, I tried to get the ex to even let me share in the bill-paying responsibilities, but that offended his masculine sensibilities, so therefore I wasn’t allowed to touch my own money.  He didn’t prohibit me from using the ATM or anything, I just never had any idea if there was any money in there, so I didn’t even try.  He “kept track” of the bills on the backs of random envelopes, using his own chicken-scratch that even he couldn’t understand, and eventually, we had a house foreclosure, a car re-poed (from my work… at my SCHOOL… how embarrassing), and thousands in debt to hospitals, doctors, utility companies…  What a mess.

He even took his name off of the car insurance before the divorce was final, and stopped paying on it, so I owed the car insurance company for two cars that weren’t even in my name, and I wasn’t even driving them.

And then I went to buy a car…  Because I had cosigned for his work van (which he GAVE to a friend before leaving the state), and payments had not been made on it for several months, I almost couldn’t get a vehicle at all.

But I did (paying almost 25% interest), and I knew I would never miss a payment.

Does this sound familiar? Are you asking yourself, “What do I do NOW??”

Step One:  Order a copy of your credit report from all 3 credit companies: Equifax, Transunion, and Experian.  You are entitled to one free copy per year, so do these three all at once the first year, and then in future years, order one from one company every 4 months.  They will all have similar if not the same information, and that way you can keep track of your progress, and dispute anything that should not be there.  DO NOT pay for your credit score anywhere!  You can get it for free at Credit Karma. Your score is handy to know if you are going to the bank or credit union to try to get a loan.  They can crunch some better numbers if you have an idea of what your score is.  Don’t freak out if it’s low.  Mine was in the basement, and in 4 years, It has gone up over 200 points.

Step Two:  Take care of as many outstanding debts on your credit report as you can.  And as soon as you can.  Always request that they remember to make a note on your credit report that the account has been resolved.  Sometimes you can even negotiate a settlement amount less than what you owe.  Make sure to dispute any claims that are incorrect, as well.  This takes phone calls, something I abhorred doing, but have gotten much better about, primarily through this process.  This report is YOU, and you want to look your best to the world.  You want it to reflect you, your values, and your work ethic accurately, and it may take a little work to get it back to where it needs to be.  Nobody can do that but yourself!

Step Three:  Take a hard look at what is coming in every month (and don’t count on the child support — Only depend on yourself), and what is going out.  You may have to cut back on some things while you are paying all off this debt.  You would be surprised what alternatives there are out there to the things we think we have to have.  The library became my best friend, as well as a little group called Freecycle, and Craigslist.  I became a bit of a bargain hunter, which is a great skill to have, regardless of your income.  Notice that I said “bargain hunter” and not “couponer”…

Step Four:  Pay every bill on time.

Step Five:  Once you are out of the woods, which may take a few months (or even a few years), you need to start some long-range planning.  Check out some trusted sites to help you with both your day-to-day budgeting and your long-term plans: Mint.com, and Learnvest.com.  I have tried both, and personally like Learnvest’s whole-person approach, as they give you articles and training based on your interests, but it is woman-centered, which may or may not appeal to you.  Lots of people (and I mean LOTS) use Mint, as well.

Finally, if you are not already a member, I highly recommend using a credit union.  They have fewer fees, and are more likely to reward somebody like you, working hard to take control of their finances, with better interest rates, and needed loans.

As you start digging yourself out of the hole, make sure to take care of yourself, and to even pamper yourself every once in awhile.  We are human, and we need some creature comforts to remain that way.

You can do this.  You will find sources of strength you never knew you had.  And you will have the power over your own money, which is a fantastic feeling.