Autism and Arthur

Last Wednesday, I told The Boy that a hurricane was headed our way, and there was a possibility we might leave town for the following night.  Immediately, I regretted my carefully constructed, nonchalant approach – he was scared.  “A hurricane??” I explained that it was really just a bunch of wind and storms headed our way and that the power may go out, so The Man and I were thinking about heading out of town for a night to stay in a hotel which would have wifi and power, so we could be comfortable until the storm passed.  He visibly calmed until I added that we might pick him up from camp instead of Grammy because we might head out of town directly from there.  Change in routine equals added anxiety.  Oops.  “We’ll see,” I said.

We watched the Weather Channel religiously that night, and started to get anxious ourselves.  It began to move quickly, it began to slightly move inland, it began to look like it was going up to a Category 2 by the time it would hit us, and it was expected to make landfall exactly where we live, which would mean loud scary sounds, and a definite power outage if nothing else.  By Thursday morning, we were sincerely leaning toward heading out of town.  I had to head in to work for a few hours, and then we would make the determination.  Grammy would pick The Boy up as usual, giving us time to board up the shed and make preparations at our place.

After I got home from work, The Man and I looked at each other and didn’t need to say a word.  We packed some things, grabbed the important papers, secured the back door, and headed to pick up The Boy.  Most people in our area head west, but they jack up the hotel and gas prices as you head inland, so we head south, because even though it is into the storm, it’s usually less severe down there and you don’t have to give up your first born for some A/C and a bed.

Well Hello, Arthur

Well Hello, Arthur

 

We headed into bands of driving rain and wind, and pulled into a hotel about a hour and a half down the coast.  We ran up the stairs to our room and began to dry off and settle in.  And then the real challenge began.

The wifi was broken, he said.  When the iPad finally found the signal, it was too slow, he said, and he started to get agitated.  “Let me see your iPad, to see if I can fix it,” I said.  He refused.  He began to pace, and head toward the door.  He put the iPad onto the floor, none too carefully, and even stepped on it.  “I am DONE with this iPad.  We need to sell it and get a new one.  This one doesn’t WORK!”  He went to open the hotel room door, and I had to use my body to block him from doing so – none too easy anymore, now that he is 2 inches taller than me.  “We need to leave.  We need to go home,” he whined, over and over.  Reasoning doesn’t work at this stage, I knew, but I tried it anyway.  “There’s no power at home, let alone wifi, Bud.  Let’s decide on something to eat for dinner.” He would not be dissuaded.

Somehow, we finally convinced him to go with us to get some dinner, maybe we promised ice cream.  I don’t really remember.  His mood lifted as he was able to check out the toilets at the Wendy’s around the corner, the only place that seemed open.

We headed back to the room, where the wifi finally seemed to work well enough for his tastes.  We ate, watched TV, and got a good night’s sleep. In the morning, we returned home to find downed branches everywhere, but our house was  intact, and the power eerily came back on just about the same time as we walked into the house.  He was home, there was power and wifi, and he was happy.  The storm was over.

The Man for The Boy

This morning, The Boy’s transport van was ten minutes early.  If you know nothing about autism, you probably still know that routines are king, and if you mess with a routine… Well, watch out.

I heard the first honk at 6:38am.  The Boy had just decided he didn’t want to wear the pants we had chosen, but wanted to wear the blue ones.  I frantically searched for the blue ones, found them, gave them to him and he said, “Their inside out!”  I quickly turned them right side out, handed them to him and asked him to put them on, while I found a pair of socks to put on his feet myself.  That done, I headed to the front door, opened it, and stuck out a finger (no, not that one, although I was tempted), to let her know we had heard her and were coming as quick as we could.

I returned to The Boy’s room, and told him to go put his shoes on.  I grabbed his poptarts in a baggie, and his bookbag, and tried to hurry him out the door.  “Where are my glasses?” he wailed.  I set everything down, and went into his room to get his glasses.

She honked again.

Really?  Did you think I didn’t know you were there?  I already came outside in my robe to let you know we were coming, but you needed to honk again?

I gave him his glasses, gathered all of his things, and shooed him toward the door.  “I need you to tie my pants!  You’re not going to tie my pants?”  I got him on the porch, gave him his things and tied the drawstring on his pants.  I gave him a kiss and sent him on his way.

When I came in, The Man said, “Really?  Why was she so early, and why did she have to honk twice?”  Exactly.  “You need to call them and tell them they can’t do that to him.  He needs his routine, and they definitely don’t need to be honking like that.”

The Man advocating for The Boy.

Not just supporting me, because he knew I was a bit frantic and anxious from the situation the driver created (which he did, as well, asking more than once if I was OK), but actually defending and advocating for The Boy.

Exactly.

On the dunes

Camp’s End

Today is The Boy’s last day of summer day camp, and he said yesterday that he will miss it.  We’ve come a long way from it not being just like ESY, and the battles to get him out the door because he couldn’t use a computer there.

With the end of his summer routine comes anxiety, both the good and bad kinds.  He is excited to start school, and we meet with his new principal next Tuesday to see the school and get a feel for how his days will run.  Of course they are still working on his schedule and reviewing his IEP to see how they are going to have to meet it, for 30 days at least…

His dad will most likely not be taking him for his summer visitation at all, so The Boy has two weeks until the new school routine starts.  He wants to get in last trips to the water park, the beach, and all of those activities which require free time.  We’re also going to be looking at some used bikes this weekend, so he can continue to ride around the neighborhood with his new buddies.

And of course, I have anxiety about this new school and whether or not they will be able to meet his needs.  Will we be able to work out our work and school schedules?  What will they try to change when the 30 days is up, and how hard will I have to fight?

Deep breath…

Whatever comes, we can handle it.  He didn’t like camp at first, and now he is going to miss it.  Me too.

hanging out

Doozy of a Meltdown

Yes, we had a doozy the other night.  That tends to be the pattern with The Boy – really great for long periods of time, but when we have meltdowns, they are of the knock-down-drag-out variety.

And yet again, I don’t know that what happened the other night could be classified as a meltdown, but it sure left all of us reeling, and thankful it was over in the aftermath.

It started when The Boy’s netbook froze, and in his terms was “broken”, and couldn’t be fixed.  He would not allow me to look at it (go figure), even though I knew it was probably a quick fix.  He moaned about his computer for quite awhile, continuing to get ramped up.  Then he apparently attempted to facetime Grammy, and was unsuccessful, so he threw his iPad…

Yup.  Threw it.

The Boy loves his iPadThe screen already had a hairline fracture from when he accidentally dropped a piece of fiestaware on it several months ago.  This latest assault was much more aggressive, and caused MUCH more damage.  To the point I had to hide it, because I didn’t want The Boy to get hurt from the glass shards…  Bleh.  When it happened, he began wailing and screaming, as if his best friend had died.

Needless to say this went on for yet another while (past bedtime), and for many hours, we went through the cycle of me desperately trying to calm him down, getting him calm and leaving the room, and then hearing wailing again after 15 minutes or so.  We were doing this until after midnight.

It was important not to get upset with him for breaking it.  The last thing he would want to do in the world is break his iPad, so he clearly didn’t understand what would happen if he threw it (or didn’t realize through his haze of anxiety and anger until it was too late).  The iPad being damaged and out of commission for the time being is consequence enough.  I don’t need to throw my disappointment and additional punishment on top of that.

He is a much happier camper now, as I have given him a clear timeline on how we are going to solve the problem, and have been repeating it to him consistently.  It will take a few days for Mom to do research about the details of getting it fixed, no one is throwing it away (he is very scared of this), and then we will make some decisions about how we are going to go about it.  He will be working to pay for at least half of the repair, and I have told him that, as well.  Never hurts to throw in a lesson about the value of a dollar. 😉

I’m glad he’s feeling better, because my heart hurt for him the other night.

Impatience and Executive Functioning

The Boy has been impatient lately.  I don’t know if this is a new thing,or if this has coincided with puberty, but I’ve only recently begun to be annoyed by it notice it.  Sometimes, when I wonder if something is a tween thing or an ASD thing, I go to Wrongplanet.net to see what they say.  Wrongplanet is a discussion forum for those with autism and Asperger’s, and since they are the experts, it’s an excellent resource for those of us who can’t simply ask our own children on the spectrum WHAT IS UP WITH YOU??

Unknown watch by Allo002

Unknown watch by Allo002

Most of the respondents to “Is Impatience an AS trait?” thought that maybe yes, there could be a correlation.  Some cited problems with executive function as a possible cause.  That means those individuals on the spectrum who have issues with planning would have difficulty with vague estimations of time.  For example, “When will we go to dinner?” and a vague response of “Soon” would agitate someone with executive function problems, which would look like impatience to we neurotypical types.

If I can remember to be as specific as possible when giving time estimations to The Boy, I think his “impatience” will be reduced.  I know it won’t go away completely, because waiting can be very difficult for those on the spectrum.  But specificity and help with planning for something that is anticipated can go a long way.

The Moving Book

Tonight, The Boy turned to me and said, “Why do we have to move?”

change goodIt just about breaks my heart, because I know on the inside, he is still adjusting to this very big change I have foisted upon him, although on the outside he has been a trooper.  And even though we have talked, and talked, and talked about this for a long, long time, I know it is still hard for him to understand.

A long while ago, I came across the suggestion to make a book about the moving process so that The Boy could have a resource to refer to when he was feeling anxious or unsure.  My lovely mother helped me flesh out the idea, and even did some of the legwork for me, taking pictures of his favorite places in our new area to include in the book.

My goal with the book was to acknowledge his fear, but accentuate the positive.  Tell him what exactly will change, and what will not.  Include pictures of familiar things in our new home and community, and pictures of good times with The Man, and with his grandparents.

I’ve been working on his book for awhile, and I shared it with him tonight, hearing his anxiety once again in his honest question.  We read through each page, and he looked at the pictures.  When we were finished, he was at least smiling.  I asked if he felt better and he said he did.

If you’re going through a move with an autistic child, I highly recommend the National Autism Society (UK)’s page, and a couple of other resources listed below.  You can never begin preparing your child too soon, and creating a moving book is one strategy to help calm those moving anxieties that I think will be so helpful!

Tips for Making a Move More Successful – Different Roads

Tips for Moving with an Autistic Child – Elsia R. Sebastian, Yahoo

Book Review: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

The Kiss - RodinI know there are a lot of Elizabeth Gilbert haters out there, but I think she is actually a very good writer, and just because her books have been popular does not mean that her writing is mediocre. I find her writing style personable and engaging. I enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love, all the while envying her ability to travel like that – would that we could all take a year and visit three amazing places on our bucket list! Some complain that her divorce as portrayed in the book wasn’t “real” enough, even though her divorce isn’t actually the center of the story – her recovery is (and shouldn’t we single gals be supporting each other instead of tearing each other down with “if you think that’s bad” stories?).  When Committed came out, I actually bought it in hard cover (not a planned purchase, just one of those see-it-in-the-bookstore-and-think-what-the-heck purchases).  And I read it and enjoyed it, how it weaves anecdotes with research, and I learned a heck of a lot more about matrimony than I had ever known before. I like books where I learn stuff.

Here I am, on the cusp of getting married again, to someone who is not-scared-of getting married, but shall we say, a little anxious, not having been married since the mid-eighties. And I remembered this book, sitting on my shelf, about a man and a woman facing marriage, and who are also a-little-more-than-anxious about getting married. I decided to read it again, to see if I could gather any insight into my fiancé’s perspective, and explore my own feelings on the subject.

Ms. Gilbert says, “It’s been famously said that second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience, but I’m not entirely sure that’s true. It seems to me that first marriages are the more hope-drenched affairs, awash in vast expectations and easy optimism. Second marriages are cloaked, I think in something else: a respect for forces that are bigger than us, maybe. A respect that perhaps even approaches awe.” I tend to agree, although I think hope is the wrong word here. I think first-time marriages are the epitome of naivete (sorry – can’t think of a better word!), thinking that divorce will just not “happen” to them, because they think they are in control, while second marriages are hopefully careful, acknowledging that there are forces within and around a marriage that are just not in our control, but that being aware, and having that experience may actually give us an edge.

I take exception to her terminology and jaunt into singlemomdom, when she uses that washed up old term “broken home” to describe a single parent family. Although she does stress that her point about kids doing better in two-parent homes is actually in reference to the consistency and stability of a family, rather than the actual numbers of parents, I really just wish she had said that instead of the whole “kids do better in un-broken homes” section.

But the stories about the people she encounters on the other side of the world, and how silly her questions may have sounded, and the over-analyzing of the marriage statistics…  It all makes sense to me.  Because I do the same thing when I am anxious about something.  I’m not (very) anxious about my own second trip down the aisle, but as I said, I get it – I completely understand why anyone would be.

Another point that resonated with me was the discovery that early western marriages were in spite of the Church, who wanted no one between an individual and God, not even a spouse. Early western marriages, then, were alliances between a man and a woman, in effect, against the world. I like that.

I spoke with a friend today who is at the beginning stages of her second divorce, and she is obviously bitter about marriage in general.  She can’t be happy for me, although she is trying – and I understand.  She said, “Why can’t you just be happy together?  Why do you have to get married?”  I had no reply, because I understood.  But my question back is, Would your heart hurt any less if you had never gotten married this second time?  Or would it still be messy and ugly, this breaking up stuff?

In any case, this book is a thinking person’s book for anyone, not just those contemplating a second marriage. Ms. Gilbert tackles tradition, cultural differences, expectation, and anything else a skeptic would research before coming to terms with something as important and life-altering as getting married, for the second time.

Poppy’s Advice

Hypodermic Needle Pen by Virany

Hypodermic Needle Pen by Virany

Today, The Boy had to get his first shot in a long while.  I know there isn’t a kid on Earth who likes getting shots, but the thought of getting a “poke” sets my kid on edge as soon as he knows about it.  This time, he was so anxious, he created a fictional story about having to go to OT in a nearby city as the reason why I had to pick him up a bit early from school today, instead of the reality of going to his doctor’s office for a booster shot.  In fact, every time we go to the doctor, his first question is, “Do I have to get a shot?”

I have been prepping him since October for this one, and when we’ve talked about it, I offered him the advice my needle-shy dad always gave me for getting through a shot: “Think of something else!”  I also shared with The Boy that Poppy always thinks of Mickey Mouse when he got his shots (or gets blood drawn), and so I usually think of Mickey Mouse, too!

The Boy was anxious as we waited for the nurse, but I reminded him to just think of something else, like Sonic or Steam Boat Willie, and it would be over so quick he wouldn’t believe it.  He ended up getting two pokes, one in each arm, but he squeezed his eyes shut, thought of something else, and looked so brave and adult, I almost got teary.

Afterwards, we went and got ice cream (even though it’s only in the 40s), and stopped at our favorite little toy shop and picked up a small airplane he had had his eye on.  Even with the pokes, it was a Fun Friday.  And I was so proud of my little man (and so geeked my dad’s advice has stood the test of time)!

As Prepared as a Boy Scout

To-do list book.

To-do list book. (Photo credit: koalazymonkey)

I have done what I can to prepare for possibilities.

  • I have prepared The Boy for the possibility of coming with me rather than going to his dad’s for spring break.  “But I’ll miss the cats!” he whimpered.  After a few minutes, he was OK.
  • I have offered the ex a way to pick The Boy up on the day he prefers, and he has not responded.  You see, I have deflated his sails, and he doesn’t know how to respond without losing face.
  • I have contacted my attorney to make sure we are as prepared as possible if (and that’s a big if) he decides to follow through.

I can’t do any more besides try to let the anxiety go. (As Grandma always said, “Do your best and that’s all you can do.“)

Today, I am back to running errands, planning to do taxes, getting an oil change.  Taking care of things that need to be taken care of before a trip, and in so doing, attempting to let the stress of the last week go, come what may.  I am as prepared as possible.