Autism and Attachment to Stuff

Posted on August 9, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Google “Autism and Clothing” and what comes up are links upon links to articles, studies, and blog posts about sensory issues with clothing, and how clothing can be a source of anxiety and struggle for those on the spectrum.

But there was only one link about being emotionally attached to articles of clothing. And it was a forum post from the experts – adults with autism. From my quick perusal of the “research”, it doesn’t seem that anyone has studied this, but based on what I read on this wrongplanet forum post, there seems to be a correlation between a spectrum diagnosis and the sense that objects have “feelings”. Unused, or un-purchased toys may feel “lonely” or “discarded” and therefore need to be saved. Lego towers and models mustn’t be taken apart because that would be “like an execution”. Clothing that has become too small must not be thrown out or donated, it must be kept forever, because it would be too sad, too unbearable to part with it.

Ring any bells?

Sometimes I fall into the trap, believing my child is rational because he usually has such a logical and straightforward outlook. This attachment to things is miles from rational, yet it seems to be so prevalent in those with ASD…

Why has no one studied this? Why has no one examined this and come up with strategies to deal with these anxieties about the feelings of objects? Several of these adults with autism on the forum have even contemplated purchasing extra storage space so they could keep all of these “saved” items! Yikes!

Clothing is one of our meltdown triggers, and I finally came to the realization that The Boy had this irrational attachment when we had a big meltdown the other morning. He reacted to some “missing” (read: donated) size 8 pants (he wears 14-16 now) extremely emotionally, almost as if a pet had died. That’s when I began my Google search.

Today, I floated an idea by him. In the car, I mentioned to him that we could take pictures of the clothes that are too small before we donate them. Sorta like my T-shirt project. That way, he could “keep them” as long as he wished, and could look back on those clothes and the attached memories as many times as he liked, and the clothes themselves could go on to other families and be used by smaller kids. He kinda liked the idea. Which means it just might work…

I’ll keep you posted.

No Honeymoon for These Newlyweds and That’s Just Fine

Posted on August 6, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Man and I thought we might get a chance to run away for a bit when The Boy visited his dad in August, but guess what? Yup. The Boy will probably not be headed to his dad’s until Thanksgiving, if then. We didn’t really expect this visitation to pan out, but it would have given us a little time together.

In any case, we are making the absolute most of our Saturday nights together, and it has turned into an extended honeymoon/staycation of sorts. We have been lucky enough to have fantastic meals just about every Saturday since we started over a month ago. And I have to tell you, for an area that has about 12,000 people, there are some damned good restaurants down here. Plus, we live in an area that relies on tourism in the summer, so it’s pretty easy to take a “staycation” – beautiful warm summer evenings, quaint little towns through which to walk, replete with old cemeteries, gardens, and, well, the ocean.

So, while I could be really upset that we haven’t been able to go away somewhere together, I’m not in the least. The Man and I have done enough traveling over the past four years just to be together. Now that we are together, we have reveled in these semi-private Saturdays, and we’ve been able to drag it out all summer long. I really couldn’t ask for more. ❤

PS Thank you, thank you, thank you to Grammy and Poppy for this priceless gift ❤

Water Boys

Posted on August 4, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Water has such a great effect on both of my boys.

The Man is a surfer, and has been since he was 12. He starts to get a little cranky if he hasn’t gone surfing in awhile, and just being in the water, doing his thing, does amazing things to his outlook. He needs the water almost as much as he needs air to breathe. That was part of the reason we decided early on that The Boy and I would move down here rather than have him move up north with us. He wouldn’t have survived away from the ocean.

The Boy reacts similarly to the water, like many kids with autism. He has always been this way, and could very easily spend his entire day in some form of water. I’ve written before about the amazing power of water over him, and the immediate calming effects. If he starts heading toward a meltdown, throwing him in the tub for awhile is the easiest way to avert it.

Over the past several years, The Man has been introducing surfing to The Boy, and The Boy loves it. I also love to see them sharing this. The Man is amazingly patient teaching him where to position himself on the board, how to stand, and how to keep his balance.

Today, we went to the beach, and today, The Boy went from riding on his tummy, to kneeling, to standing on the board, all in one ride, and I think this was the first time I saw him do all of this in one motion. And he was so persistent. “One more time, because I wiped out.” I could glimpse him doing all of this on his own in a few years, something I was never sure of before. So often, those of us with kids on the spectrum really can’t see into the future like parents of NT kids can, so when we get a peek like this, it’s pretty exciting.

This makes me a proud and happy mama. 🙂

iPads and Lessons

Posted on August 2, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We delivered the iPad to the repair place yesterday, and I think part of the lesson, why-we-shouldn’t-throw-iPads-when-we’re-angry, was the length of the drive to the repair shop, easily an hour and a half. The Boy was not happy with the time involved, and I’m sure would not relish having to make that trip again, yet another thing to think about the next time he has an urge to take his anger out on his electronics.

I believe he also had a consequence for some behavior at camp yesterday (I say, “I believe” because no one from the camp mentioned it to me, but The Boy self-reported. This could be encouraging, except that he sometimes makes these things up, and grossly exaggerates his offense, as well as the resulting consequence. We really need communication logs…). He explained that he was building a tower, and someone else kept knocking it down, so he said some not-nice things and had to sit out for parachute time, one of his favorite activities at camp. When discussing this in the car, I brought up our old friend B.E.A.R. (Breath, Exhale, And Relax), a technique taught to The Boy in early elementary for diffusing his own anger. I’m not sure how effective it has been over the years, but for whatever reason, it makes him giggle, and it also reminds him that there are other actions that he can take besides the obvious choices of throwing things, using not-nice words, etc.

The neat thing was, he made his own connection between the two incidents, and said that the next time he would Breathe, Exhale, And Relax instead of using not-nice words, and instead of throwing his iPad if he couldn’t reach Grammy on facetime. Whoa. Made his own connection, and used independent thought to find an alternative to venting his anger in a negative way. To me, this is huge. Way to go, little man!

The Fight

Posted on August 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Last week, The Man and I had a moment, a disagreement, shall we say. And I wasn’t sure if I was gonna go there, if I was going to share with you about this experience, because, well, some things are private, and dirty laundry and all that. But I decided that sharing the essence of what happened is important because the whole point of this blog is sharing my true experiences as a single mom, now remarried mom raising a boy with autism, and possibly showing others in the same or similar boat that they aren’t alone.

So we had a moment. We were getting ready to leave the house to visit some friends for dinner, all three of us. The Man and The Boy had a disagreement in the kitchen about which lunchable to take with us in case he didn’t like the food being served. The Man got angry and stomped off. I assisted The Boy with his lunchable, got his things together and we went to wait in the car. After waiting in the car for a bit, it was clear The Man wasn’t coming right out, so I went in.

And we argued. And neither one of us was completely rational — I know I was defensive (naturally). The argument petered out enough so that we could go be social with our friends, and over the course of dinner, everything got turned right again. Afterwards, we apologized to each other and talked a bit about what happened, and it was all good.

But I continued to think about the argument, because I had rarely been so angry with The Man. And I wondered at my reaction, and then it dawned on me. The previous day, I had reacted to The Boy much the same way when he refused to leave Grammy’s house at the appointed time, even with the help of multiple timers. I was frustrated and handled it badly — I had stomped off in anger. And that’s OK. Everyone who lives with autism has those moments, where we rebel against this thing that runs our life sometimes, because it’s not fair. We react, lightning-quick, with anger because just for that second our resources of patience have run thin from over-use. We are human.

I had gotten so angry at The Man for being human, for having a moment of weakness, for not being perfect when I clearly wasn’t the day before.

The point is, if you live with autism, and never “lose it”, you need to be recommended for sainthood. I know I’m not a saint, and I know I didn’t marry a saint. And recognizing that, and seeing myself in my husband was a much needed paradigm shift.

Eleven and a Half

Posted on July 30, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Eleven and a half is such a strange age. He seems like a giant, adult-like person from a distance, and then I get closer (sometimes only when he’s sleeping), and he seems like such a little child, albeit in a body that is almost as tall as mine.

And his actions and emotions are equally dichotomous – sometimes very mature and sober, and others toddler-like and silly. I’m sure I have a wistful, “Where did my baby go?” face, because he catches me looking at him and puts on his, “Mom, you’re looking at me weird” face.

The specter of Middle School is hitting me, because I am going to attempt to register him today.

Am I ready for this? Is he? It doesn’t matter because it’s happening whether we want it to or not. He wants it to, and I… I just want him to be happy and productive. How many middle schoolers does that describe? How many people want to re-live the good old days of middle school? Very few. I have a bit of experience with it after having taught there for almost half my life, and it is a struggle (at least in some fashion) for the great majority of the population.

I worry. And I miss my baby. And change is hard. But he and I are strong people, and together with The Man, we’ll get through it. Somehow.

Doozy of a Meltdown

Posted on July 26, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Yes, we had a doozy the other night. That tends to be the pattern with The Boy – really great for long periods of time, but when we have meltdowns, they are of the knock-down-drag-out variety.

And yet again, I don’t know that what happened the other night could be classified as a meltdown, but it sure left all of us reeling, and thankful it was over in the aftermath.

It started when The Boy’s netbook froze, and in his terms was “broken”, and couldn’t be fixed. He would not allow me to look at it (go figure), even though I knew it was probably a quick fix. He moaned about his computer for quite awhile, continuing to get ramped up. Then he apparently attempted to facetime Grammy, and was unsuccessful, so he threw his iPad…

Yup. Threw it.

The screen already had a hairline fracture from when he accidentally dropped a piece of fiestaware on it several months ago. This latest assault was much more aggressive, and caused MUCH more damage. To the point I had to hide it, because I didn’t want The Boy to get hurt from the glass shards… Bleh. When it happened, he began wailing and screaming, as if his best friend had died.

Needless to say this went on for yet another while (past bedtime), and for many hours, we went through the cycle of me desperately trying to calm him down, getting him calm and leaving the room, and then hearing wailing again after 15 minutes or so. We were doing this until after midnight.

It was important not to get upset with him for breaking it. The last thing he would want to do in the world is break his iPad, so he clearly didn’t understand what would happen if he threw it (or didn’t realize through his haze of anxiety and anger until it was too late). The iPad being damaged and out of commission for the time being is consequence enough. I don’t need to throw my disappointment and additional punishment on top of that.

He is a much happier camper now, as I have given him a clear timeline on how we are going to solve the problem, and have been repeating it to him consistently. It will take a few days for Mom to do research about the details of getting it fixed, no one is throwing it away (he is very scared of this), and then we will make some decisions about how we are going to go about it. He will be working to pay for at least half of the repair, and I have told him that, as well. Never hurts to throw in a lesson about the value of a dollar. 😉

I’m glad he’s feeling better, because my heart hurt for him the other night.

Paranoia and Autism

Posted on July 22, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Privacy keyboard (Photo credit: g4ll4is)

One of the issues we have been dealing with increasingly since The Boy hit puberty is his over-the-top need for privacy. He could be watching Spongebob videos on his iPad, but he just doesn’t want me to see what he’s doing. Every time I open the door to his room, he scrambles to hide what he is watching or working on. If he is drawing something (usually a Sonic-related cartoon), I cannot see while he is working on it. Not until it’s finished.

The other day, The Boy wanted to print from his new-ish netbook, and it didn’t have our printer added to its list yet. I knew this was a simple fix, but The Boy was adamant that he knew what I was up to, and didn’t want me to access his computer. I assured him repeatedly that I wouldn’t open his current program, I just wanted to go to the settings panel and add the printer.

He turned into a cornered animal, raising his voice, escaping from me (I wasn’t trying to hold him anywhere, but I was trying to talk to him in one spot), with a few threats and name-calling thrown in for good measure (I was a “liar”). I dropped it for a bit, allowing him to regain his composure, all the while talking to him about the best ways to deal with his anger, and that name-calling was always mean.

And then the switch inside his head got flipped, and he handed me his computer and all was well. Total time invested? About 20 or 25 minutes. I’m glad it ended well, and I can only hope that these episodes will decrease once I prove that I am not a liar, and can be trusted not to invade his privacy. This ultimate need for secrecy is a tough one to get used to, though. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it.

Statistics

Posted on July 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Here’s my take on statistics: they are interesting, but really don’t have any relevance on real life. I mean, in the scientific research community, they are incredibly important, and results of studies with certain data lead to more studies, and that’s how we make discoveries and find cures. I get that. But the funny thing about statistics is that you can manipulate them to say whatever you want them to say. And if I believed statistics from every little study that was reported, I’m not sure I’d leave the house. I’m not sure I would have had children or gotten married.

Statistics are not your friend when you are the parent of a child with autism. They can get depressing and make you quickly lose sight of the most important indicator of your child’s success — your child. He’s not a machine or a robot or a lab rat. There has never been another child like him. So while studies can try to predict everything about your child, they still have no clue. Your child is an unknown quantity, and you and he (or she) will have everything to do with his (or her) success in life, and not much else has any bearing.

Statistics are not your friend when you are getting married (and even a worse friend when you are getting remarried). They strike fear into the hearts of even the most brave among us. But again, the most important indicators of the happiness of your marriage are the two people in it. Nothing else.

So while society may decide that “the odds are against” us, I have decided nothing of the kind. No one knows these people like I do, and no “preponderance of evidence” is going to tell me something I didn’t know. No statistics are going to tell me what is “significant”. This is my life, and these are the people I love.

How Our Lives Have Changed: 3 Weeks

Posted on July 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We’ve been in our new state, our new town, our new home for a little over three weeks. In that time, we have moved in, started summer camp, and gotten married. And we have settled in for the most part. The Boy rebelled a bit for awhile when his camp turned out not to be exactly like his usual ESY experience, but he found some activities to love, and now looks forward to it each day. I am desperately trying to find some form of employment, and unpacking and getting the house in order in the meantime, checking things off of my to-do list which has grown to several legal pad pages. I have also been battling government offices to get my name changed, and to just get a driver’s license. These things really shouldn’t be so hard when you are clearly a law-abiding citizen, but I digress…

One of the most pleasant changes in our lives has been the proximity to Grammy and Poppy. Besides being fabulous grandparents, they are also awesome parents, and great friends. It has been exceptionally nice to have a girl’s afternoon with my mom here and there, and The Boy has enjoyed hanging out at their place in the afternoons, after camp. As a former single mom who was never able to leave the house alone without the aid of a babysitter (and the requisite money involved), The Boy’s regular Saturday Night Sleepover at Grammy’s still brings tears to my eyes because I am just so grateful. Every couple needs time alone, and this weekly respite is already oh-so-special.

The flip-side of this is that there are a lot more people in our lives on a daily basis, and this has taken a bit of getting used to. We have to check with people now before we make decisions, and more compromise and flexibility are necessary every day. This isn’t a bad thing, and it isn’t unexpected, but it is an adjustment.

We miss our friends, and I miss having adults to talk to, but this is no different from any other summer, for me. I’m starting to have a hard time with not having something to do each day — I’m one of those people that needs to feel like I’m accomplishing something, and organizing my desk and hanging a few pictures just don’t qualify as “accomplishments”. I’m trying to practice patience and perseverance in the job search. Trying.

All in all, we are very happy. The Boy is counting down the days until school starts, and is very excited. I’m loving the summer sun and heat, reveling in the proximity of my loved ones, and enjoying being a newlywed.

Cheers! 😀