Triggers and Blowups

Posted on November 20, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Last night, The Boy and I sat down to do some social studies homework (it never ends), and like most on the spectrum, he has a hard time with the whole concept of homework: School stuff should be done at school, and home is home. It’s a struggle, but as long as I break up our sessions, reward him, and don’t ask him to do too much at once, he does what I ask, and we are relatively successful. Usually.

At first, I couldn’t even find the answers to the fill in the blank questions. It took a fair amount of digging in the textbook, something at which my boy is not so good. Nor is he patient. “How long is this going to take?” he kept asking.Knowing the assignment was four pages and that this is his last week at his current school, I was overly optimistic about how much we could get done. If the assignment hadn’t been so challenging, we probably wouldn’t have had a problem. But we did.

He began playing with a chip clip on the table, and when I needed him to read from the text to find an answer, he was distracted. I asked him to put it down until we finished five answers, and he refused. I tried to take it away, and all hell broke loose. Screaming, swearing, breathing heavily, skin becoming mottled, and near tears, The Boy was all of a sudden not The Boy.

He became preoccupied with the “swear” which wasn’t really a swear, but he knew he had crossed the line, and was now punishing himself, saying he had to apologize to everyone he had ever sworn in front of, and was throwing quarters across the room (a family joke about owing someone a quarter every time they let a swear word slip in front of him)… I had to get him calm enough to figure out what had triggered this, and get him off the idea that I was mad about the swear word. It was a challenge.

After about a half hour, making him sit with me on the couch, practicing deep breaths together, I was able to get him calm enough for me to understand that the homework was just too much. I told him we would cut it down to one page tonight, which turned out to be 3/4 of a page, but I was amazed that we were able to get anything done after a blowup like this. Progress? Maybe.

As he gets older, his triggers change, and what these blowups (pre-cursors to meltdowns in our case) look like change, as well. I won’t ever stop learning about my kid, oftentimes after the fact. It seems that as long as we concentrate on why the blowup happened, and take the focus off of consequences for “poor” behavior, I am able to learn so much more, and he is able to recover much more easily. Usually.

New School Visit

Posted on November 18, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Today, The Boy and I go to visit his new school in the afternoon. I am picking him up for lunch so that he doesn’t have to go to social studies. We’ll have a special McDonald’s lunch and then head to the new school to see where his classes will be and meet some of his new teachers.

The Boy is extremely excited, and asks for a daily report about how long it will be before he goes to his new school. We got the phone call today from the company providing his transportation, as they thought he was starting tomorrow. I told them they could wait another week, but The Boy was excited to learn that he will be transported to and from school in a gold-colored Town and Country van. It will be a long trip for him, but he has missed riding this bus all these years, and was always so envious of his buddies who were “bussed” in from other districts at his old school, often in charter company cars like he will now be using. I think he will love it.

I hope he can contain himself at his current school for one more week. We got a note home from his social studies teacher on Thursday that he was “jumping out of his seat” during class, and I immediately thought, “because he’s happy he only has one more week in your class, lady!” I didn’t bother to respond.

My excitement is tempered with a bit of anxiety, as any mother’s would be. But I take heart in the fact that those who know him best on this planet agree with me that this will be a good switch for him, and that he can handle it. Judging by his excitement, I’m fairly certain he will prove us correct.

A New Placement for The Boy

Posted on November 14, 2013 by simpleijustdo

At our reconvened meeting yesterday, the team reached a consensus that The Boy’s needs would best be met through the pilot program at the school across the county! He and I will visit early next week, and will officially start the Monday of (American) Thanksgiving week, which I hope will give him transition, being a short week.

I have to say that I was intimidated by the number of people that would be there, and I wasn’t sure of everyone’s agendas, but it turned out to be a very positive thing, and a constructive process to arrive at our decision. Everyone there was really interested in what was best for The Boy, and I was very pleased at the level of conversation.

And for all of the hoping I’ve been doing, I know it won’t be “the answer” to all of our problems and issues. Indeed, we may have exchanged new ones for the old. But I truly feel that the depth of knowledge of the special ed staff in regards to autism, the training that the general ed staff has received and continues to receive, and the fact that The Boy has actual friends already at the school will go a lot further towards our goals for him than the program he is currently in.

I’m anxious for him, as it is all another change, and big one (and lots of little ones!), but I’m hopeful. More hopeful than I’ve been in a long time.

Thankful for a “Me” Day

Posted on November 13, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve been busy lately. I’d like to say I’ve been busy working, and I have, but not busy making a paycheck. I’ve been busy making sure my son gets a decent education. I’ve been busy writing a novel for NaNoWriMo. I’ve been busy helping The Man on a couple of big jobs he’s lined up, because I can help him when he’s painting. I’m not a pro, but I can get the job done. I’ve been busy filling out applications, taking timed typing tests, and preparing for my tutoring students.

But at the end of the day, I’m still only making about $36 a week.

And, I’m neglecting to do what I’d really like and need to do. Yes, NaNoWriMo is a “me” thing, but it is demanding, squeezing every ounce of originality out of you, and even more so that sometimes what ends up on the page is a big messy mess. And it’s work. And I really need a new pair of shoes. No, I’m serious…

See? I told you. Not just a craving for some sassy pumps. A desperate plea for decent-looking foot apparel.

Today, I get a day for me. A “me” day, that I can actually spend as I choose. Of course, there are a few things I need to do, like call about a possible new tutoring student, and some laundry. And then there’s that big meeting this afternoon, leftover from last week that has a major impact on my son’s future… There’s that.

But until about 2:30, it’s all me, baby. 😉

From Bill Nye to Babies

Posted on November 12, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Boy was recently re-introduced to Bill Nye, the Science Guy, and remembered how much he adores him. Tonight, instead of indulging in his obsession of watching strange cartoon-based YouTube videos, he was laughing and giggling, and not being very secretive at all. Turns out, he was recording audio from a Bill Nye video and altering it so that Bill Nye would be saying incorrect things, which, to him, is HILARIOUS.

Afterward, we were joking about it. This particular episode was about the planets, and he concentrated on the portion of the video in which Bill said the planets circle the sun in a counter-clockwise motion. He had cut out the “counter” portion of the audio. I told him you can’t just change the direction of the planets because winter would be summer, morning would be night, and as you got older, you would get younger…

“What does that even MEAN?” he laughed.

I said, “It would mean that as you got older, you would become more and more like a baby.”

“And then, you would go back to pre-birth,” he added.

Uh… Ahem… Where are we going with this, I wondered…

“Yep, you would have to go back in the womb,” I said.

“What’s a womb?”

Uh-oh… “The place in the mommy where babies form,” I said simply.

“After they come from heaven?”

“Yep, after they come from heaven,” I said.

Whew… That was close. And I don’t even remember talking about babies coming from heaven, but I don’t mind that. That’s cool.

He is so flipping smart. I love that kid.

I’m Tired

Posted on November 11, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’m tired of responding to emails about The Boy refusing to do his work, or clearing up miscommunications about tests and modified due dates. I’m tired of having meetings that go on and on about how he has basic characteristics of autism. Yup… We knew that already. I’m tired of people who apparently don’t have a dictionary or basic internet access, and still don’t understand what a modification is, or what autism even is in the first place. I’m tired of teachers trying to penalize him for “refusing” to do his work. I’m tired of receiving an email that sends me into a frustrated tailspin for the rest of the day. I’m tired of teaching my son about Egypt and minerals because for some reason they just don’t know how to teach him this stuff at school. I’m tired of politely telling them how poor their assessments are, for any child.

It’s overwhelming, and it has become my full-time job. And it can’t be. Pretty soon, I will not be available at their beck and call, and I will not have hours to prepare lessons for my own son. Because I need to work for real, and earn real money ASAP.

I know he is one of the 70 kids you see in a day (and don’t try to tell me you have more, because you don’t. There are only 70 sixth graders in the school). I know you feel like you don’t have the time to spend on this one child. But if there’s one thing you should have learned over the span of your careers is that the amount of time you spend on each child will never be equal. Some kids need more of your attention, and the equitable thing to do is to provide it, instead of throwing your hands up in the air and saying, “I just don’t know what to do!”

The internet is an amazing thing. You can find YouTube videos on just about anything. Hell, I don’t even teach PE, but I was able to find a resource on how to provide accommodations to students with special needs on the President’s Physical Fitness Test by simply typing all of that into my google search bar. It took me less than 10 seconds.

I just spent an hour searching “autism work refusal” and got some really helpful information from a bunch of sites. It’s not all helpful, but the search provided ideas for how to engage students on the spectrum who will not do classwork (and who won’t even show up for school), rather than punish them, and “hold them accountable”.

My kid loves school. My kid thrived in his old school. My kid has adjusted so incredibly well to the structure of middle school. They have so much in their favor, and they still can’t make it happen.

I can’t make his teachers want to help him, and I can’t help him all on my own. This is my conundrum, and this is why I’m tired.

Have You Tried Quizlet?

Posted on November 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Ever searching for ways to make homework easier on The Boy, slow processor that he is, a couple of years ago I came across Quizlet. Some general ed teacher-friends of mine swore by it as a way for their students to study whatever they wanted without wasting endless index cards on flashcards.

I first used it with The Boy for spelling. Computers naturally engage his interest, and in fourth grade, he would come home with 4 page spelling packets to complete. Overwhelming for any kid, an assignment like this would take my kid an entire week (and lots of wheeling and dealing on my part to bribe him to get it done). After using Quizlet to help him study the spelling words, I realized that he could test on those words right on the site. I contacted his special ed teacher who agreed that he could do that in place of those four-page packets, which were redundant for my little ace speller anyway. Why inflict multiple pages of work on a kid that could spell the words correctly after a session or two pf practice on this website? He would quiz on the words, and I would take a screenshot of his results and email it to his teachers.

It saved all of us a lot of unnecessary headache.

We are back to using Quizlet to study, but nor for spelling this time. For big bad social studies tests, with thirty-five or so facts to learn on the study guide. Last night, I searched the site for a set of cards about Egypt and Kush that had already been created by some other user, and I found quite a few sets (there are bound to be hundreds if not thousands of other schools using the very same textbook, right?). I kept the cards I wanted, deleted the ones that didn’t pertain to The Boy’s particular study guide, and typed in anything that was missing.

The Boy and I went through the flashcards, while I let him look at the study guide to answer the questions. He got three wrong, so we went back and corrected those three. Then we played a game where he had to match the correct phrases and terms, all laid out on the screen in a random format, and it was timed. We played five times so that he could try to beat his best time.

I bet The Boy didn’t even realize he was studying. It’s simple memorization, but that’s our goal with testing, right? And using a site like this that is web-based (and has an app!) and fun is one way to get my kid from point A to point B. If you haven’t tried it with your own children (or something you have to memorize!), you should. It’s another resource for those of us trying to handle the tide of homework.

Big Meeting, the Second Time Around

Posted on November 7, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our rescheduled IEP meeting is today, and let me tell you, I feel so much more prepared this time around. I am so glad that I was able to call them out on a technicality and give myself some more time to gather my wits and my resources. Today, I’m bringing our regional rep from the Autism Society in our state. I’ve talked with her a bunch over the last couple of weeks, and she will be there to advise me, and be an extra pair of ears.

They will still have a passel of personnel in attendance, but they don’t scare me anymore. I have data from his previous school that supports everything that I say he needs and isn’t getting. I have documentation in the form of emails from his current teachers that supports everything I say he needs and isn’t getting. And I have a better understanding of their intentions, as well as the process, and my rights.

And my focus now is on the IEP, even though we will be discussing placement, as well. He needs and aide, he needs autism-savvy teachers, and he needs help with organization. Period. I would like to see him go to a school that is better equipped for his needs, but I’m not as steadfast in that as I was, because I’m not sure I want him in a school where they so obviously are against him being there. When it comes down to it, no matter where he is placed, we will continue to have a fight on our hands, and now that I know that, I am better prepared to roll with the punches (Inner Biker Chick is present and accounted for, thankyouverymuch).

What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Let’s ride!

Laura & Margie – biker chicks, mslaura

Book Club Discussion: The Reason I Jump, “Earthling and Autisman”

Posted on November 6, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’m continuing the discussion here today because The Reason I Jump is an important book. Naoki Hagashida, at age 13, answered questions about autism from his viewpoint, and while his experiences are not the same as probably anyone else’s on the spectrum, his thoughts provide insight, and provoke thought, neither of which can be bad for those of us who desperately want a glimpse into the minds of our children.

Question 22 asks, “Do you hate it when we make you do things?” Naoki explains that kids with autism often don’t know how to do things the same way as neurotypical people, no matter how many times they are shown how. He explains that they understand that we don’t know if they are even listening or understanding, but that they still want to do their best, and they know when someone has given up on them. “When we sense you’ve given up on us, it makes us feel miserable. So please keep helping us, through to the end.”

Question 23 asks, “What’s the worst thing about having autism?” Naoki says we can’t imagine how miserable kids with autism are. An inability to communicate makes it that much harder. He says, “We can put up with our own hardships okay, but the thought that our lives are the source of other people’s unhappiness, that’s plain unbearable.” I have found that people assume those with autism to lack empathy, but my theory is that people with autism actually have an overabundance of empathy, and that many of their behaviors are an attempt at trying not to feel so much. When I have been able to point out The Boy’s effect on those who love him, he is usually much more able to control his behaviors.

Question 24 asks, “Would you like to be ‘normal’?” I know what I was hoping to hear. Naoki says that when he was younger, he would have jumped at the chance to be normal, but not anymore. He says that by striving to do your best, and that is how you achieve happiness. He says, “For us, you see, having autism is normal – so we can’t know for sure what your ‘normal’ is even like. But so long as we can learn to love ourselves, I’m not sure how much it matters whether we’re normal or autistic.” Are you crying yet? Such wise words from a young man.

I hope that you’ve gotten your hands on a copy of this book. Even if it isn’t the experience of every single person with autism, it is the experience of one, and that’s worthwhile.

The Next Thing

Posted on November 5, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Home To Thanksgiving, Currier and Ives

The ex has bagged out on Thanksgiving with The Boy, unless I consented to have his parents pick The Boy up the weekend before Thanksgiving, and have him miss three days of school. My response to that was, “That’s not a good idea,” and so, no visitation until who knows when.

The common sense thing for the ex to do, now that we live even further apart, would be to save up a little money so he could come down for a weekend, stay at a hotel and see his son. But that will never happen. He doesn’t save money, and when he does, he spends it on himself. He probably resents The Boy for the child support coming out of his check, and reasons that that’s enough money to be spending on him, and he shouldn’t have to spend any more just to see him.

If you’re keeping track, The Boy hasn’t seen his dad since April, and the phone calls have become less and less frequent. They are about once a month, now. He was excited about going to see his dad’s kitties for Thanksgiving, and even though I tell him every time it comes up not to get his hopes up, and that it might not happen, he still talks about it as if it is a certainty.

Yesterday, I purposely brought it up because we need to get him from this place of certainty that it will happen to a place of certainty that it won’t happen with as little stress, trauma, and disappointment as possible, not an easy feat. I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to stick around here for Thanksgiving, and celebrate with me and our family?”

“What?!”

I repeated myself.

“Well, I still might go to my dad’s,” he said.

“And you might not,” I said.

“We’ll see,” he said, and then, “Let’s find out for sure.”

I told him I would ask his dad, knowing full well that I wouldn’t because I already know it won’t happen. So now it is my unhappy job to figure out when to break the news, and possibly come up with some distraction to soften the blow.

This is one of the most unfair parts of the job. I know no one ever said life would be fair, but this right here? This sucks.