I Don’t Owe Him a Thing

Posted on July 7, 2013 by simpleijustdo

When I was first divorced, I bent over backwards to make sure that The Boy spent time with his dad. And I often bent further than was really fair. Because I knew if I didn’t, their relationship would suffer. But finally, I realized that their relationship wasn’t up to me. It was up to them, and since The Boy is a child, it was really up to the adult in that relationship, namely the ex. It was most definitely not up to me.

A few days ago, I wrote about the ex’s most recent behavior, asking me for a few “favors”. My first, knee-jerk reaction was to try to help him out, because if I don’t, he will take it out on his son, probably cancelling his visitation time, and not calling.

But the truth is, that’s pretty likely, even when the ex isn’t pissed off at me. And lying for him is definitely not in my best interests, nor in the best interests of his own son. Doing “favors” for him when he hangs up on me is reinforcing that bad behavior. The truth is that we don’t have that kind of relationship. We have a business relationship, if that. Some divorced relationships are cordial and even friendly. Ours just isn’t. And because it isn’t, favors are not required.

The simple question is, would he do the same for me? The answer is no. The simple question is, would you do “favors” for a person who periodically swears at you, threatens you, hangs up on you, and doesn’t meet his obligations to you?

I didn’t think so.

Our Simple-y Wonderful Wedding

Posted on July 2, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our very simple wedding was this past Friday. We ended up having about 20 people in attendance. Sunshine and Princess appointed themselves Flower Girl and Bridesmaid, and their parents served as our witnesses and photographers. The Boy was the best ring bearer a bride could ask for, and the whole thing was over in about 10 minutes. It couldn’t have gone better.

Earlier in the day, I got my hair done, and bought some flowers for myself, and my “attendants” (two bunches of Gerber daisies for $8 total). We came home, and got ready. PITA loaned me a sixpence that she had put in her own shoe when she got married (this was my “something borrowed”), which I tucked in my bra, and we all headed to the gazebo. Guests started wandering up, and at 5:30, we started the ceremony.

Afterwards, most of us walked a few blocks to a restaurant and had a great meal. It really wasn’t stressful in the least, just a short, sweet ceremony filled with love and smiles, and a very nice evening with most of our closest friends and family. Trust me — This is the way to do it.

A word about the pics: My new husband is not too keen about having his picture plastered all over the internet, and I’ve made a conscious effort not to do that to my son, either. The result is that the pictures you get to see will not give you the whole picture, so to speak. I’m sorry I can’t give you more, but my commitment to my boys is rock solid.

Wedding Day

Posted on June 28, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Well, today is the day. Today I marry The Man (does that make me “The Woman”?), in a short, simple, civil ceremony under a gazebo, in a park across the street from where his great-grandmother (and grandmother, and mother) lived. Today I become a wife again, and cease to be a single mom. Today, we become family. Today, it all becomes official.

There was a time when I never thought this would happen again, indeed there was a time I never wanted it to happen again. But this isn’t “again”. This is the first and only time with the right man.

We didn’t hire a photographer, so as soon as people at this shindig start sending me pics, I will share. Until then, it might be a few days.

I’ll get back to you real soon. ❤

To Mothers

Posted on May 12, 2013 by simpleijustdo

It’s Mothers’ Day. Today is a day that not every mom gets to celebrate because a lot of us do it on our own, and our kids are too little to understand. So you just keep on keeping on as if it’s just another day. If you are a mom that won’t get any special treatment today, know that I celebrate you, because I’ve been there, and it can be a tough day, reminding you of your single-ness. But it should also remind you of your strength. Find some way to treat yourself today. I’m cheering you on.

____

I don’t often know what to say when people tell me I’m a good mom. My mind immediately fixates on the last time I was not a good mom, as if to provide proof of the contrary. You see, no one knows the true quality of my mom-ness except for The Boy. He’s the one who sees me as a mom at my best and at my worst. Kind of like a married couple — no one can see inside that relationship except those two people. You may get glimpses, but never the whole picture. But unlike a married couple, The Boy didn’t consciously sign up for this relationship with me, and neither does any kid on the whole planet. You don’t get to choose your own mom.

That’s the reason I am so glad I have the mom I do. I know quite a few people whose moms were really, spectacularly not-good. And that’s a hard thing. Moms are so much to those of us who have them. They are our first and last teachers, they are our home, they are our comfort, they are the voice of reason. Mine also happens to be one of my best friends.

Let me be clear that she was NOT my best friend when I was growing up. She was my mom, and she never once fell into that trap that today’s parents tend to – making poor parenting decisions because they are afraid their child won’t like them. Bleh. Nope. Mom was Mom with clear expectations, and consequences (although she will say she never had to use them because I was such a good kid – she forgets how messy my room was, and how she threatened to come in with a garbage bag and throw everything on the floor in it, and hence in the garbage).

She taught me how to put on pantyhose, how to jitterbug, and how to drive a stick. But more importantly, she taught me how to mother. She never told me to clean my plate, only to eat until I was full. She read to me all the time when I was little, and we read near each other as I got older, my dad often calling us “the bookends” because we were often on either end of the couch, sharing a blanket, and reading. We still do this, to this day. She taught me to cuddle, kiss, and hold hands often. She taught me to listen without passing judgment (at least not right away). She taught me to accept differences, respect hard work and education, and value independence. She taught me the importance of believing in and loving myself.

I can only hope that I am teaching my own son these things, as well. But if I fail, I know she’s got my back, because she also happens to be the best Grammy in the world, too.

Book Review: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

Posted on April 19, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I know there are a lot of Elizabeth Gilbert haters out there, but I think she is actually a very good writer, and just because her books have been popular does not mean that her writing is mediocre. I find her writing style personable and engaging. I enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love, all the while envying her ability to travel like that – would that we could all take a year and visit three amazing places on our bucket list! Some complain that her divorce as portrayed in the book wasn’t “real” enough, even though her divorce isn’t actually the center of the story – her recovery is (and shouldn’t we single gals be supporting each other instead of tearing each other down with “if you think that’s bad” stories?). When Committed came out, I actually bought it in hard cover (not a planned purchase, just one of those see-it-in-the-bookstore-and-think-what-the-heck purchases). And I read it and enjoyed it, how it weaves anecdotes with research, and I learned a heck of a lot more about matrimony than I had ever known before. I like books where I learn stuff.

Here I am, on the cusp of getting married again, to someone who is not-scared-of getting married, but shall we say, a little anxious, not having been married since the mid-eighties. And I remembered this book, sitting on my shelf, about a man and a woman facing marriage, and who are also a-little-more-than-anxious about getting married. I decided to read it again, to see if I could gather any insight into my fiancé’s perspective, and explore my own feelings on the subject.

Ms. Gilbert says, “It’s been famously said that second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience, but I’m not entirely sure that’s true. It seems to me that first marriages are the more hope-drenched affairs, awash in vast expectations and easy optimism. Second marriages are cloaked, I think in something else: a respect for forces that are bigger than us, maybe. A respect that perhaps even approaches awe.” I tend to agree, although I think hope is the wrong word here. I think first-time marriages are the epitome of naivete (sorry – can’t think of a better word!), thinking that divorce will just not “happen” to them, because they think they are in control, while second marriages are hopefully careful, acknowledging that there are forces within and around a marriage that are just not in our control, but that being aware, and having that experience may actually give us an edge.

I take exception to her terminology and jaunt into singlemomdom, when she uses that washed up old term “broken home” to describe a single parent family. Although she does stress that her point about kids doing better in two-parent homes is actually in reference to the consistency and stability of a family, rather than the actual numbers of parents, I really just wish she had said that instead of the whole “kids do better in un-broken homes” section.

But the stories about the people she encounters on the other side of the world, and how silly her questions may have sounded, and the over-analyzing of the marriage statistics… It all makes sense to me. Because I do the same thing when I am anxious about something. I’m not (very) anxious about my own second trip down the aisle, but as I said, I get it – I completely understand why anyone would be.

Another point that resonated with me was the discovery that early western marriages were in spite of the Church, who wanted no one between an individual and God, not even a spouse. Early western marriages, then, were alliances between a man and a woman, in effect, against the world. I like that.

I spoke with a friend today who is at the beginning stages of her second divorce, and she is obviously bitter about marriage in general. She can’t be happy for me, although she is trying – and I understand. She said, “Why can’t you just be happy together? Why do you have to get married?” I had no reply, because I understood. But my question back is, Would your heart hurt any less if you had never gotten married this second time? Or would it still be messy and ugly, this breaking up stuff?

In any case, this book is a thinking person’s book for anyone, not just those contemplating a second marriage. Ms. Gilbert tackles tradition, cultural differences, expectation, and anything else a skeptic would research before coming to terms with something as important and life-altering as getting married, for the second time.

The Other Part of Our Story

Posted on March 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We hadn’t been happy together since The Boy was born. For whatever reason, the ex never bonded with him, and had a hard time accepting that my attention was now divided. He also had a very hard time with the diagnosis, never really understanding autism, and even after hearing a psychologist tell us that it was definitely autism, he still believed The Boy just needed some discipline, and that I was coddling him. Hence the yelling and spanking.

My friends tell me stories of the years after The Boy was born that I do not remember. They tell me that one night I had to call a friend to take me to the emergency room because I was exhausted and dehydrated, and that she came to pick me up, and the ex was sitting right there ignoring us, putting his basketball shoes on, and then stepped over me on the floor as he left.

“garage” by nightthree via flickr

The winter before the end of our marriage, the ex was laid off, as he usually was in the winter. He had a bachelor’s degree but refused to use it, and so did menial, seasonal labor (still does). He stayed home all day, playing video games and watching TV, mostly Bill Maher. I would come home from work, and most sentences would begin, “Bill Maher says…” as if he didn’t have his own brain. He was paranoid (thanks to the pot smoking, I think), and insisted that his life was the way it was because the man was out to get him. I mostly ignored him, which was easy, because he spent most of his time in the garage smoking pot when I was home.

In May, right after Mothers’ Day, I got a call during the day. I was at a conference two hours from home, and I had to go outside to take it. He had decided I was a bitch, I never listened to him, and he was leaving. He was going to stay at his mother’s out of state. Of course it wasn’t all that matter of fact. There was much more swearing, yelling, and name calling, but I was panicked and in tears when the phone call was over. I left immediately, and raced home, calling friends alternately on the ride home. My first stop was the bank, where I did what I could to secure our money from leaving with him. And then I headed home, to find him sitting there, saying he didn’t have enough money to get “home”.

~ to be continued… ~

Do People Ever Change?

Posted on February 17, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I ask that as a truly philosophical question. In my personal experience, it takes a lot for a person to change. Conditions have to be just right, including the person’s own desire to change, having the ability and wherewithal to put in the actual hard work of changing, and having some sort of positive reinforcement. In other words, the stars have to align.

Maybe it’s a cynical point of view, but as I said, it is based on my own empirical data, my own worldview and my own experience. I know that changing my habits to include exercise have been a monumental task, with only limited success. I can’t imagine what someone who is attempting to quit smoking, or trying to become a more positive person goes through.

Awareness is the first step, though, and some people do not even choose to be aware of their own habits, or ways of being that may need changing. Of course, if they are happy with who they are, and everyone else be damned, that’s perfectly fine – we all have free will. But that person also must accept the possible consequence that all of those “damned” people may not stick around for too long.

So who cares? Well, as one who is soon to be joining households with a long-time bachelor, I do. Change is inevitable, don’t you think? A friend of mine who went through this process a few years ago (and is still, as it is an ongoing process) said the other day, as I was talking about this very subject, “He’ll change. You’ll see.” In fact, I think we both will. We all will.

It takes a little bravery on the part of a good friend or partner to bring up to the person that their habits or ways of being may need to be considered. That loved one must realize that an argument will most likely be the outcome, because most people will react defensively. If they truly love you, though, they will consider what you have said, and will really begin to think about changing his or her own behavior. In fact, that love is another ingredient for change. We make adjustments for the ones we truly love, don’t we? We want them to be happy, and usually find it within ourselves to contribute to that happiness. This, too has been my experience, already in this process. You have to truly care about each others’ feelings, and trust that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you, but bring your attention to something that could make your lives together a little more harmonious.

Trust. Love. Desire. Hard work. Strength.

Sounds like a recipe for a good marriage to me.

What are your thoughts?

Something Borrowed, Nothing New

Posted on February 12, 2013 by simpleijustdo

A letter from my grandpa to my grandma, dated 1939

My grandparents were married in 1925, in New York City. My grandfather was 25, my grandmother 20, and they had eloped, staying with a cousin, as they were both from upstate New York, near Buffalo. They were both Italian immigrants, and as such, very Catholic, and this eloping thing got them in pretty hot water. And they knew it would. They went so far as to rent bridal regalia and have a picture taken (not a cheap process in 1925!) as proof of the marriage, and the seriousness of their intentions to my great-grandfather. It didn’t work real well, as he didn’t speak to them until after they had their first child, almost two years later, even though they lived only blocks from each other.

Before they eloped, they dated of course, but my great-grandfather made it clear that one of my grandmother’s brothers had to “chaperone”. My grandfather was a bowler (scandalous!), and hung out at a bar called “The Red Front” which wasn’t the most savory of places, and so my great-grandfather didn’t think him a suitable match for his eldest daughter. Some of the brothers did a better job of chaperoning than others, and some of the younger kids reported having learned to kiss from watching my grandparents on the porch at the end of a date.

I have been reflecting on this, because sometimes we think we are the first to experience everything we experience. And sometimes we think our ancestors led rather boring lives. But I admire their strength and courage. They knew they had found their one true love, and they pursued each other, even though there were clearly obstacles, namely my great-grandfather. And it was important to them that he understand, which he eventually did. My grandparents were married for 63 years, and although it looked like a typical love from the outside, you never know a relationship unless you are in it.

He called her “Darling”. ❤

Now What?

Posted on January 12, 2013 by simpleijustdo

When you tell people you are engaged, they immediately ask you something along the lines of, “Now what?”: Have you set a date? Where will you live? What are your plans????

While I’m not going to say that we haven’t thought about these things (because I am a planner, after all, and that is just who I am), I must say that I’m having a great time just reveling in the feeling of being engaged, of having someone who loves me utterly, who has done one of the most vulnerable and romantic things a man can do, which is propose that we commit our lives to each other.

And perspective is an amazing thing. I’ve done this before, and it’s almost amusing to look at a bridal magazine and all the infinite, intricate pieces of a wedding that are out there as ideas, and products, and kits, and… whew! It’s a relief to have this experience behind me that makes me shake my head, laugh a little, and say to myself, “So unnecessary”…

So while I’m thinking about the “getting married” part (which pieces are important, and which pieces just really aren’t) because weddings are fun, I’m also thinking about the “Now What?” after the wedding. Being a wife, blending a family, the big changes in my life (our lives!), and the one man who loves me enough to take it all on with me.

Have a beautiful day!

Forgiveness

Posted on September 22, 2012 by simpleijustdo

I’m okay, you’re… well, maybe not (Photo credit: pdxjmorris)

Therapists are big on forgiveness, aren’t they? The books I read post-divorce include forgiveness as a necessary step to healing. In my own case, it’s been hard.

I had so much anger before, during, and after the divorce. I placed all of the blame on the ex’s shoulders. I had so many stories to tell, and people listening would shake their heads, amazed that I had put up with it for so long. The day after my divorce was final, I remember sharing the news at work, and having others look at me funny because I wasn’t supposed to be so happy.

I reveled in my singlemomdom. There was so much freedom. Take a weekend trip with The Boy? Why, I could, couldn’t I? Buy a duvet cover with flowers on it? Yes, please. Fall asleep in a quiet house? Heaven. I also reveled in my anger and my indignation. The ex was clearly the spawn of Satan, and I had been a saint to last as long as I had.

As time passed, and upon more reflection, I began to realize my part in the downfall of our marriage. I realized that I had stopped communicating, that I had belittled him, that I had not been strong enough to fight him more on the big issues. And that maybe he wasn’t the spawn of Satan. Maybe.

Four years later, I am to the lovely point at which I am mostly indifferent. The thought of this person that I was married to for ten years rarely even crosses my mind, if at all. If it does, the thought is apathetic, with no real malice or anger. He can live his life as he pleases, and it has nothing to do with me.

Except when it does. When our little link is affected. When his actions hurt our little boy, I get angry, I blame, I shake with emotion. And this is why I am not, and don’t think I will ever be to the point of forgiveness. Lots of moms have this fierce emotion, this snarling-mama-bear-oh-no-you-di’nt reaction, that I think is even ferocious in those of us with kids with special needs. Because in many cases, our kids can’t express or process their emotions as well as the rest of us. Because our kids already go through enough. Because we go through enough. ENOUGH.

I can forgive strangers, because you can dismiss strangers as not knowing any better, being ignorant, or hateful, or stupid. But the ex is not a stranger, and he cannot be written off as ignorant.

It’s really hard to forgive someone who should be protecting his son as fiercely as I am.

And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it.

And I’m OK with that.