The Worst

Posted on March 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Being a single mom and being ill has to be one of the worst things to experience on the planet. Feeling like crap? Well too darn bad because your child needs to you to take of him like usual, and a child with autism doesn’t have a whole lot of empathy for your situation. As The Boy told me a few years ago, “You can’t always get what you want, Mom. Just like the Rolling Stones said.”

One of the other worst feelings in the world has got to be the panicky feeling you get when you can’t find daycare for your child. Or in my case, evening care. When you’ve exhausted your lineup of babysitters, and you don’t have a choice to miss whatever it is that necessitates a babysitter.

Yeah, I’m feeling both of those right now. It’s pretty far from my happy place. But I’m hoping to spend the weekend recuperating from this cold, and coming up with some magic solution to my evening-care problem.

Calgon, take me away!

Give Me A Break

Posted on February 24, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Still, after six years, I cannot stop the self-recrimination that results from one of The Boy’s meltdowns: “I should have anticipated (fill in the blank)”. It’s a constant subconscious stream of things I should have or could have done to avoid the situation, and why was I so stupid to forget them.

Of course, I don’t really think I’m stupid. But in the heat of the moment, I blame myself for not being capable enough.

So here is my message to myself in the future when I feel this way (feel free to use it yourself, but you might want to insert your own name for maximum effect):

“Hey, Annie! Guess what? You can’t anticipate everything!! It’s not physically nor mentally possible. There’s no way you could know that xy&z were going to happen, causing The Boy to do ab&c. Stuff happens. You just have to do the best you can, try to roll with the ‘stuff’ as best you can, and hope that it will pass soon. Breathe…”

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I know I’ll need to hear (read) it in the future. I just hope I listen.

The Angry Ex: Personal Attacks

Posted on February 23, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The ex hasn’t paid child support since November. I know how the system works, and at the two month mark, I called our state system and asked what we could do. The lady on the phone initiated action, and told me to expect notification of the action in the mail in four to six weeks. In the meantime, the promises from the ex rolled in, explaining that he was supposed to get his tax refund, so I should see the full amount owed in the account as of this Friday (and to let him know when it posted). And then it was, OK, it should be in there this Friday. And then there was no text or phone call for a couple of weeks (and, funny enough, no money, either!).

Today, a payment of $100 showed as being posted. I admit I poked the bear, but sometimes I have to tell it like it is. I texted him, “So, not the full amount, huh?” I just get tired of the incessant lies, and he did ask me to report about what was posted…

What came next was a barrage of personal attacks and excuses, trying to explain the various payments he claims to have made, and asking me if his girlfriend’s kids should suffer so that I could be more comfortable. You know one of those “1 of 3” texts.

Oh, I was tempted to respond in kind, but instead, I stuck with the facts. I reported to him that the money he said he had deposited hadn’t posted, and that we had only seen $100 on our end.

He retorted with even more personal attacks and excuses, and I didn’t respond (but I did take a screenshot of the texts!).

You see, even though the personal attacks were directed at me, they weren’t about me. He has anger issues, he enjoys conflict, and is quick to blame anyone else besides himself for his situation. This time it was his girlfriend’s car troubles. Next time it will be something (or someone) else. In any case, it’s not my problem. He has a financial responsibility to his son, and that’s not going to go away.

And I got my copy of the notification of action taken against him today. I’m so glad I’m not alone in holding him responsible.

Boy Bonding

Posted on February 20, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Man and The Boy have a ritual. When The Man is here (or when we are there), they have evening wrestling matches, which are entertainment for everyone in the room. Here, we have an old futon mattress, which we use as a crash pad, and that is our “wrestling mat”. They have three rounds of two minutes apiece, and they try to take each other down (The Man uses this time to try to teach him actual wrestling moves). This allows them to be goofy, and have their own “thing” that The Boy looks forward to all day long. The Boy even dresses like a luchador, complete with mask and sometimes long underwear, and this week, The Man even got into it and developed his own costume. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen, but I think he would kill me if I posted pictures of him, so you will have to settle for pictures of The Boy.

Without really knowing it, they are also providing The Boy with much needed (and craved) deep pressure, as The Boy is often hyposensitive (the type of kid who crashes into walls and loves water because s/he can’t always feel where his/her skin ends). It’s also a fantastic way for them to relate to each other and build their own fond memories of each other.

Do People Ever Change?

Posted on February 17, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I ask that as a truly philosophical question. In my personal experience, it takes a lot for a person to change. Conditions have to be just right, including the person’s own desire to change, having the ability and wherewithal to put in the actual hard work of changing, and having some sort of positive reinforcement. In other words, the stars have to align.

Maybe it’s a cynical point of view, but as I said, it is based on my own empirical data, my own worldview and my own experience. I know that changing my habits to include exercise have been a monumental task, with only limited success. I can’t imagine what someone who is attempting to quit smoking, or trying to become a more positive person goes through.

Awareness is the first step, though, and some people do not even choose to be aware of their own habits, or ways of being that may need changing. Of course, if they are happy with who they are, and everyone else be damned, that’s perfectly fine – we all have free will. But that person also must accept the possible consequence that all of those “damned” people may not stick around for too long.

So who cares? Well, as one who is soon to be joining households with a long-time bachelor, I do. Change is inevitable, don’t you think? A friend of mine who went through this process a few years ago (and is still, as it is an ongoing process) said the other day, as I was talking about this very subject, “He’ll change. You’ll see.” In fact, I think we both will. We all will.

It takes a little bravery on the part of a good friend or partner to bring up to the person that their habits or ways of being may need to be considered. That loved one must realize that an argument will most likely be the outcome, because most people will react defensively. If they truly love you, though, they will consider what you have said, and will really begin to think about changing his or her own behavior. In fact, that love is another ingredient for change. We make adjustments for the ones we truly love, don’t we? We want them to be happy, and usually find it within ourselves to contribute to that happiness. This, too has been my experience, already in this process. You have to truly care about each others’ feelings, and trust that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you, but bring your attention to something that could make your lives together a little more harmonious.

Trust. Love. Desire. Hard work. Strength.

Sounds like a recipe for a good marriage to me.

What are your thoughts?

Most Important

Posted on February 15, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Passage of Time (Photo credit: ToniVC)

The Boy and I are first to the school every single day, with the exception of the lone morning custodian. He lets us in the door shortly after 7am, and we wait, often for at least 10 minutes, until other faces arrive, children and their parents, but rarely the same ones. And then around 7:15am, the Kids Club staff arrive.

There have been a couple of times when a parent has come in, assumed I worked for Kids Club, and promptly left their children with a quick peck on the cheek. Nevermind my big puffy coat and scarf… Or there are times when a parent comes in, constantly looking at his/her watch, declaring over and over how they have to get to work (as if I don’t). Today, a woman actually pecked her kids and told them she was going to go wait by the door, because she had to “skedaddle”… Yep, that 15 seconds from the gym to the parking lot door is really going to make a difference, Lady.

When I overhear things like this, I often look at the kids, who look embarrassed and sad. All of these parents are sending a message, with their words, actions and body language that no kid could miss — work is more important.

There are times when we have a rough morning, and yes it’s irritating to have to text my boss and tell him I am running late, but he’s my kid. There is nothing on this planet more important than him. And if I have to be a few minutes late to work, so be it.

I hope these parents get a clue before their children are grown and gone, but realistically how will they learn?

Valentines and Stuff

Posted on February 14, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Valentine’s Day. It always has me pondering stuff and

do I want stuff,
why do I want stuff, or
why is it ok to/not to get stuff, and back to
it’s really not about stuff.

Or other people, which is reason number one why I think people want stuff for Valentine’s Day. It is not a display of love between two people, it is a display of love “between” two people that is promptly shared with all and sundry, as in look-how-much-he-loves-me-because-he-got-me-this-stuff.

I get a little piece of Valentine’s Day every time he sends me a card in the mail on some random day, sends me a funny email, or any of the wonderful ways he makes me feel loved even when we’re separated by 900 freakin’ miles. Last year on Valentine’s Day, I got a little thrill when I pulled out my phone to set a tempo in class, and realized he had called and left a voicemail. My students would tell you I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, and was blushing and giggly, just knowing he had called me. I don’t need stuff, and I don’t want stuff. I have what I want. And I am a lucky, lucky lady.

Pity and Forgiveness

Posted on February 11, 2013 by simpleijustdo

sad (Photo credit: Kalexanderson)

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness. As I’ve written before, I find it hard to forgive the ex for the constant disappointment he inflicts on The Boy. When he cancels a week of visitation, when he only makes time to see him 4 weeks out of every 52, it is difficult to control the “mama bear” instinct inside of me that wants to thrash him within an inch of his life. When I have to hold my son while he cries because “it’s too far” for his dad to come and pick him up, forgiveness is probably the furthest thing from my mind. And I know forgiving him would be healthier for me. But it is one of the most difficult of my internal struggles.

Today, though, after receiving a text from the ex on Friday saying that due to getting his tax refund back, all of his arrearages in child support will be paid in full as of next Friday, and that he would call The Boy on Saturday (he didn’t)… Today, I find I feel pity. Pity that the man has a college degree, and is almost 40, but cannot hold a job long enough to prevent this situation. Pity that his anger sometimes controls his actions, never for the good. Pity that he just can’t get his sh– straight. Pity that he just has no clue about what he is missing.

And I suppose pity is closer to forgiveness, right?

A Different IKEA Effect on Singlemomdom

Posted on February 10, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I can remember living in the same house the three of us lived in, only after the divorce, and the toilet seat broke. Having a broken toilet seat is not just something you can live with, so I needed to solve the problem for myself, especially with an octogenarian landlord. I went and purchased a new seat, and installed it myself, and for the first time, I realized that I really could do this being single thing.

After dividing up our assets, I needed some new furniture. At the very least, I needed new things to look at if I had to stay in the same house. My parents had come up to stay for a month or so, to help me purchase a car and get things settled before the school year started. Enter IKEA. I think I spent $800 in one day. I had never, ever spent that much money in one place at one time, ever in my life. But as some of you may know, $800 goes a long way at IKEA.

And as you may also know, IKEA purchases are almost always un-assembled, meaning you have to put them together. It was a project, but with my parents’ help, we got it done, and it really started to feel like a different place, with my personal touches (including a duvet cover with flowers on it, just because I could).

And since that time, I have made more purchases, always putting it all together myself. And every time it reminds me of how strong I have become, how capable, and how independent one can be, even when they don’t know it. IKEA was good therapy for this single mom, and I suspect for many others out there. If you are struggling with the emotions of a divorce, get yourself to an IKEA store, bring home a project, build it yourself, and give yourself a little reminder that yes, indeed, you can do this.

For the record, this post was inspired by this story on NPR, and also for the record, not all IKEA furniture is pressboard junk.

Schools and the “Quick-Fix” Solution

Posted on February 4, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I don’t often write about school, neither mine nor The Boy’s because it puts me in a precarious position. And I just don’t want to go there. Yet.

But there is one thing that I think I can safely generalize about public school systems today, and that is the preponderance of “band-aids”: quick-fix measures to address very real, very big problems. These “measures” are often implemented in a hurried fashion, without much forethought, and end up being a patch-as-you-go solution which doesn’t really work for anyone, but is there so that we can say we have it.

For instance, after Newtown, The Boy’s school realized that in the morning and afternoons, they were allowing parents (and virtually anyone) unfettered access to the school due to drop-off and pick-up for Kids Club (but also clubs and other sponsored events after hours). The day following Newtown, the door was locked in the morning. No letter home, no signs on the door. Nothing. Because we are almost always first to school, we had to pound on the door to get the custodian to come and open it up for us. Later that same week was The Boy’s school band concert, held during the school day, and every single parent attending the concert had to be buzzed in, and had to report to the office, sign in, and get a visitors badge. That’s about 100 people!

some old fire alarm bells by hpeguk from flickr

some old fire alarm bells (by hpeguk via flickr)

After break, they had installed a new bell to push, which rings in the gym so that a kids club worker can answer the door. Can you imagine how often those people are running back and forth (as opposed to, you know, supervising children)? And what if the person is ringing to be let in for some club other than kids club? Do they let them in if they don’t recognize them? And what if there is an event going on in the gym, like a parent meeting, concert, or girls scout ceremony, and that bell rings? Not to mention that the bell is loud, and rings like an old fashioned fire alarm… Yup. A fire alarm sound for all of those kids on the spectrum. Going off about every 4 minutes. How nice.

And the response to people who ask these questions is, “We’re working on it.”

I get it. You want to make your school safe, and you want to make it safe now (although, why this wasn’t considered after Columbine, I don’t know). Except that a little notification, and some planning and forethought (and maybe a little money spent) upfront would go a lot further than a piecemeal, thoughtless plan like this, that is still being “worked on”.

This is where schools look unprofessional, because it really is. And this is only an example of the many “band-aids” I witness myself and hear about from others like this, almost on a daily basis. I know educators are short on time and money, but those are really just excuses. There is no sense in not doing something right the first time, from the get-go, with a carefully thought out plan. And there really is no excuse.