sad (Photo credit: Kalexanderson)

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness.  As I’ve written before, I find it hard to forgive the ex for the constant disappointment he  inflicts on The Boy.  When he cancels a week of visitation, when he only makes time to see him 4 weeks out of every 52, it is difficult to control the “mama bear” instinct inside of me that wants to thrash him within an inch of his life.  When I have to hold my son while he cries because “it’s too far” for his dad to come and pick him up, forgiveness is probably the furthest thing from my mind.  And I know forgiving him would be healthier for me.  But it is one of the most difficult of my internal struggles.

Today, though, after receiving a text from the ex on Friday saying that due to getting his tax refund back, all of his arrearages in child support will be paid in full as of next Friday, and that he would call The Boy on Saturday (he didn’t)… Today, I find I feel pity.  Pity that the man has a college degree, and is almost 40, but cannot hold a job long enough to prevent this situation.  Pity that his anger sometimes controls his actions, never for the good.  Pity that he just can’t get his sh– straight.  Pity that he just has no clue about what he is missing.

And I suppose pity is closer to forgiveness, right?