Divorce, Cameras, and Redemption

Posted on September 9, 2013 by simpleijustdo

When the ex and I divorced, it had been a long time coming. And although there were some explosive fights, once the decision had been made and the papers filed, we were fairly civil and business-like, at least when it came to the process. OK, this wasn’t always the case, but it was when we came to the division of assets, primarily because we didn’t have much. I remember going through our DVDs and thinking how ridiculous it was to be sorting them by title, and that they would actually be listed that way in the papers.

But there was something he got in the settlement that I always regretted. My grandpa on my father’s side loved to take pictures (although his portraits were always off-center), and he had a small collection of brownie cameras. We had these displayed in our house, and I believe they were given to the ex one holiday by my parents. Of course, when it came to dividing things up, he took them, almost greedily, probably assuming they were worth some money. And of course, they were probably promptly sold to a pawn shop.

I don’t have much that belonged to my grandpa. Pictures, yes, but belongings, no. I have always felt that those cameras should have stayed with me, especially as I have become more and more of an amateur photographer myself.

Flip forward to this weekend. The Man, The Boy and I stopped at the flea mall, which is mostly junk, with a few unusual items to look at. We came across a table where the old man had some interesting stuff for sale. The Boy noticed the cardboard cigarette ads claiming that Camels would give you “Healthy Nerves!”

“They’re lying!!” The Boy giggled. “Cigarettes are NOT healthy!”

The Man noticed an old looking, leather covered box, and engaged the old man in conversation about it. He explained it was a camera with glass plates. I didn’t take much notice, but when the old man said he wanted $100 for it, I tuned out. Later that night, The Man mentioned the camera again, and we started looking online to see if we could find it or something like it. I didn’t think we had even seen the lens on it, and started to get curious. I did a little online research, and we decided to go back the next day.

When we returned, his asking price had dropped to $85, and thanks to my groundwork, I now knew how to open it, to see the lens. And oh, when we opened it up, I fell in love. It was in great shape, and I also learned in my investigations that they were popular in the 1890s, and early 1900s, coinciding with the birth of my grandpa, the one whose cameras I no longer had… It all made sense in a rather illogical way. We negotiated him down a bit, and I got my prize. Now that I knew the brand name, and model number, I was able to explore a bit more online and realized we got a great deal, but even more importantly, I was able to toss out the regret I’ve lived with for five years. I know my grandpa would appreciate my find as much as I do.

No Honeymoon for These Newlyweds and That’s Just Fine

Posted on August 6, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Man and I thought we might get a chance to run away for a bit when The Boy visited his dad in August, but guess what? Yup. The Boy will probably not be headed to his dad’s until Thanksgiving, if then. We didn’t really expect this visitation to pan out, but it would have given us a little time together.

In any case, we are making the absolute most of our Saturday nights together, and it has turned into an extended honeymoon/staycation of sorts. We have been lucky enough to have fantastic meals just about every Saturday since we started over a month ago. And I have to tell you, for an area that has about 12,000 people, there are some damned good restaurants down here. Plus, we live in an area that relies on tourism in the summer, so it’s pretty easy to take a “staycation” – beautiful warm summer evenings, quaint little towns through which to walk, replete with old cemeteries, gardens, and, well, the ocean.

So, while I could be really upset that we haven’t been able to go away somewhere together, I’m not in the least. The Man and I have done enough traveling over the past four years just to be together. Now that we are together, we have reveled in these semi-private Saturdays, and we’ve been able to drag it out all summer long. I really couldn’t ask for more. ❤

PS Thank you, thank you, thank you to Grammy and Poppy for this priceless gift ❤

The Fight

Posted on August 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Last week, The Man and I had a moment, a disagreement, shall we say. And I wasn’t sure if I was gonna go there, if I was going to share with you about this experience, because, well, some things are private, and dirty laundry and all that. But I decided that sharing the essence of what happened is important because the whole point of this blog is sharing my true experiences as a single mom, now remarried mom raising a boy with autism, and possibly showing others in the same or similar boat that they aren’t alone.

So we had a moment. We were getting ready to leave the house to visit some friends for dinner, all three of us. The Man and The Boy had a disagreement in the kitchen about which lunchable to take with us in case he didn’t like the food being served. The Man got angry and stomped off. I assisted The Boy with his lunchable, got his things together and we went to wait in the car. After waiting in the car for a bit, it was clear The Man wasn’t coming right out, so I went in.

And we argued. And neither one of us was completely rational — I know I was defensive (naturally). The argument petered out enough so that we could go be social with our friends, and over the course of dinner, everything got turned right again. Afterwards, we apologized to each other and talked a bit about what happened, and it was all good.

But I continued to think about the argument, because I had rarely been so angry with The Man. And I wondered at my reaction, and then it dawned on me. The previous day, I had reacted to The Boy much the same way when he refused to leave Grammy’s house at the appointed time, even with the help of multiple timers. I was frustrated and handled it badly — I had stomped off in anger. And that’s OK. Everyone who lives with autism has those moments, where we rebel against this thing that runs our life sometimes, because it’s not fair. We react, lightning-quick, with anger because just for that second our resources of patience have run thin from over-use. We are human.

I had gotten so angry at The Man for being human, for having a moment of weakness, for not being perfect when I clearly wasn’t the day before.

The point is, if you live with autism, and never “lose it”, you need to be recommended for sainthood. I know I’m not a saint, and I know I didn’t marry a saint. And recognizing that, and seeing myself in my husband was a much needed paradigm shift.

Is it Real Yet?

Posted on July 23, 2013 by simpleijustdo

People have been asking if it has hit me yet, all this permanent change (there’s an oxymoron for ya!), and I have to say yes and no. This house is definitely “home” to us, and I don’t have the feeling that we are returning to our old house or state that you sometimes get after moving. It will help to get out of limbo, and have my new license, new license plate, new name on all of my forms of ID, and the like. But that will take a few more weeks to be sure (*sigh*).

Not having a job, and not having a routine is a little unsettling, still. When The Boy starts school in a little over a month, it will feel much more “real”, I predict. But I’m not usually working in the summer anyway, at least not in the wake-up-report-to-a-building-and-stay-for-a-long-time-doing-stuff kind of way. So this doesn’t feel all that unnatural, either.

I can say that I’m not used to being referred to as “Mrs.” or “wife”, yet, but I love being married to The Man. It’s a little surreal, because the terminology is the same, but the experience is so much better.

The Boy is adjusting well. He has been perusing his old yearbooks a bit, keeping them close, so I know he’s missing what’s familiar. But I also know he’s enjoying having some new neighborhood friends, some freedom to ramble a bit, and is very much looking forward to school starting.

So, it’s real, if a bit limbo-y, but enjoyable all the same. 😉

Statistics

Posted on July 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Here’s my take on statistics: they are interesting, but really don’t have any relevance on real life. I mean, in the scientific research community, they are incredibly important, and results of studies with certain data lead to more studies, and that’s how we make discoveries and find cures. I get that. But the funny thing about statistics is that you can manipulate them to say whatever you want them to say. And if I believed statistics from every little study that was reported, I’m not sure I’d leave the house. I’m not sure I would have had children or gotten married.

Statistics are not your friend when you are the parent of a child with autism. They can get depressing and make you quickly lose sight of the most important indicator of your child’s success — your child. He’s not a machine or a robot or a lab rat. There has never been another child like him. So while studies can try to predict everything about your child, they still have no clue. Your child is an unknown quantity, and you and he (or she) will have everything to do with his (or her) success in life, and not much else has any bearing.

Statistics are not your friend when you are getting married (and even a worse friend when you are getting remarried). They strike fear into the hearts of even the most brave among us. But again, the most important indicators of the happiness of your marriage are the two people in it. Nothing else.

So while society may decide that “the odds are against” us, I have decided nothing of the kind. No one knows these people like I do, and no “preponderance of evidence” is going to tell me something I didn’t know. No statistics are going to tell me what is “significant”. This is my life, and these are the people I love.

Headache With a Chance of Migraine

Posted on July 11, 2013 by simpleijustdo

It takes a lot to stop me in my tracks. And thankfully, migraines don’t affect me on a daily basis. But they do catch up to me every so often. I have learned what can lead to a migraine, and I have learned how to cope. Besides that, there’s not much I can do. And when one happens, I am so thankful that The Boy is of an age to take care of himself for the most part. It isn’t an ideal day when mom is dead to the world and incapable of functioning, but he can feed himself and occupy himself, even if his teeth don’t get brushed.

I had a migraine yesterday, and it started as day four of a tension headache. But I knew this one was different because it became centered on my left side, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to ease the pain. I slept most of the day.

I’ve said it before – being ill and having to provide for others is one of the worst parts about being a single parent. Migraines are a lot worse than just “bad headaches”.

I know there are lots of others who don’t have it as easy as I do. If you know someone who gets migraines, make sure to ask them in advance how you can help. Can you take the kids for a bit, make sure they eat? Do some laundry? Come over and make sure the house stays quiet for awhile? Every little bit helps, and we have to take care of each other!

How Our Lives Have Changed: 3 Weeks

Posted on July 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

We’ve been in our new state, our new town, our new home for a little over three weeks. In that time, we have moved in, started summer camp, and gotten married. And we have settled in for the most part. The Boy rebelled a bit for awhile when his camp turned out not to be exactly like his usual ESY experience, but he found some activities to love, and now looks forward to it each day. I am desperately trying to find some form of employment, and unpacking and getting the house in order in the meantime, checking things off of my to-do list which has grown to several legal pad pages. I have also been battling government offices to get my name changed, and to just get a driver’s license. These things really shouldn’t be so hard when you are clearly a law-abiding citizen, but I digress…

One of the most pleasant changes in our lives has been the proximity to Grammy and Poppy. Besides being fabulous grandparents, they are also awesome parents, and great friends. It has been exceptionally nice to have a girl’s afternoon with my mom here and there, and The Boy has enjoyed hanging out at their place in the afternoons, after camp. As a former single mom who was never able to leave the house alone without the aid of a babysitter (and the requisite money involved), The Boy’s regular Saturday Night Sleepover at Grammy’s still brings tears to my eyes because I am just so grateful. Every couple needs time alone, and this weekly respite is already oh-so-special.

The flip-side of this is that there are a lot more people in our lives on a daily basis, and this has taken a bit of getting used to. We have to check with people now before we make decisions, and more compromise and flexibility are necessary every day. This isn’t a bad thing, and it isn’t unexpected, but it is an adjustment.

We miss our friends, and I miss having adults to talk to, but this is no different from any other summer, for me. I’m starting to have a hard time with not having something to do each day — I’m one of those people that needs to feel like I’m accomplishing something, and organizing my desk and hanging a few pictures just don’t qualify as “accomplishments”. I’m trying to practice patience and perseverance in the job search. Trying.

All in all, we are very happy. The Boy is counting down the days until school starts, and is very excited. I’m loving the summer sun and heat, reveling in the proximity of my loved ones, and enjoying being a newlywed.

Cheers! 😀

I Don’t Owe Him a Thing

Posted on July 7, 2013 by simpleijustdo

When I was first divorced, I bent over backwards to make sure that The Boy spent time with his dad. And I often bent further than was really fair. Because I knew if I didn’t, their relationship would suffer. But finally, I realized that their relationship wasn’t up to me. It was up to them, and since The Boy is a child, it was really up to the adult in that relationship, namely the ex. It was most definitely not up to me.

A few days ago, I wrote about the ex’s most recent behavior, asking me for a few “favors”. My first, knee-jerk reaction was to try to help him out, because if I don’t, he will take it out on his son, probably cancelling his visitation time, and not calling.

But the truth is, that’s pretty likely, even when the ex isn’t pissed off at me. And lying for him is definitely not in my best interests, nor in the best interests of his own son. Doing “favors” for him when he hangs up on me is reinforcing that bad behavior. The truth is that we don’t have that kind of relationship. We have a business relationship, if that. Some divorced relationships are cordial and even friendly. Ours just isn’t. And because it isn’t, favors are not required.

The simple question is, would he do the same for me? The answer is no. The simple question is, would you do “favors” for a person who periodically swears at you, threatens you, hangs up on you, and doesn’t meet his obligations to you?

I didn’t think so.

Peter Pan Keeps Coming Back

Posted on July 3, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Will he never grow up? Will he never learn to manage his anger? Will he ever learn that I just don’t play that way?

Ah, yes. The Angry Ex has returned, texting me today, all nicey-nice about a couple of favors he needs from me. The check is in the mail, but will I send a short paragraph to his potential mortgage lender about how he pays child support regularly? And can I send him a copy of our divorce papers?

Number 1: He doesn’t pay child support regularly, so he is asking me to lie in exchange for money that he already owes his own son. Number 2: We are divorced, and keeping track of his paperwork is no longer my responsibility (like it ever was?).

When I first spoke to an attorney about the possibility of divorce, the attorney told me that so many of his cases were against “Peter Pan” – guys who just never grew up. The ex in my case seems to be Peter Pan’s darker twin brother, because when I won’t play along and do what he expects me to do, he gets angry, verbally abusive, and retaliates by not speaking and/or seeing his son.

At first he was fine with me not making copies of the divorce papers.

And then he called. As soon as I heard my phone (I have a special ringtone, just for him), I knew that I would be asked for another “favor”, and not that he was actually calling to talk to his son, with whom he hasn’t spoken in two weeks, and then only because The Boy called him. He explained that he was in a “time crunch” and asked if I would scan in the divorce papers and email them to him. I told him I really didn’t have the time, and he hung up on me.

As if that hurts me in some way.

Nope, he’ll never grow up.

“We won’t grow up!
We will never grow a day
And if someone tries to make us
We will simply run away” ~ Peter Pan

Our Simple-y Wonderful Wedding

Posted on July 2, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Our very simple wedding was this past Friday. We ended up having about 20 people in attendance. Sunshine and Princess appointed themselves Flower Girl and Bridesmaid, and their parents served as our witnesses and photographers. The Boy was the best ring bearer a bride could ask for, and the whole thing was over in about 10 minutes. It couldn’t have gone better.

Earlier in the day, I got my hair done, and bought some flowers for myself, and my “attendants” (two bunches of Gerber daisies for $8 total). We came home, and got ready. PITA loaned me a sixpence that she had put in her own shoe when she got married (this was my “something borrowed”), which I tucked in my bra, and we all headed to the gazebo. Guests started wandering up, and at 5:30, we started the ceremony.

Afterwards, most of us walked a few blocks to a restaurant and had a great meal. It really wasn’t stressful in the least, just a short, sweet ceremony filled with love and smiles, and a very nice evening with most of our closest friends and family. Trust me — This is the way to do it.

A word about the pics: My new husband is not too keen about having his picture plastered all over the internet, and I’ve made a conscious effort not to do that to my son, either. The result is that the pictures you get to see will not give you the whole picture, so to speak. I’m sorry I can’t give you more, but my commitment to my boys is rock solid.