Boy Bonding

Posted on February 20, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Man and The Boy have a ritual. When The Man is here (or when we are there), they have evening wrestling matches, which are entertainment for everyone in the room. Here, we have an old futon mattress, which we use as a crash pad, and that is our “wrestling mat”. They have three rounds of two minutes apiece, and they try to take each other down (The Man uses this time to try to teach him actual wrestling moves). This allows them to be goofy, and have their own “thing” that The Boy looks forward to all day long. The Boy even dresses like a luchador, complete with mask and sometimes long underwear, and this week, The Man even got into it and developed his own costume. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen, but I think he would kill me if I posted pictures of him, so you will have to settle for pictures of The Boy.

Without really knowing it, they are also providing The Boy with much needed (and craved) deep pressure, as The Boy is often hyposensitive (the type of kid who crashes into walls and loves water because s/he can’t always feel where his/her skin ends). It’s also a fantastic way for them to relate to each other and build their own fond memories of each other.

Understanding

Posted on February 19, 2013 by simpleijustdo

On days like today, I wish I could put my forehead against his and project to him what I am thinking so he could understand. We are having a hard time communicating, and everything is getting lost in translation. No, you cannot keep a magazine that got left in the bathroom and is now covered in pee. No, I do not have a piece of paper without a crease in the middle. No, there is nothing we can do about it. No, we can’t go get a new battery for your watch this very second. No, it is not my fault. “No” does not mean I am being mean. “No” does not mean that I do not love you. Please calm down. Please understand.

No Time To Be Scared

Posted on February 18, 2013 by simpleijustdo

When The Boy was born, he was two weeks early and a tiny little thing, but he was still considered full term. It was a long labor, but he was deemed a healthy baby boy, who had no problems nursing, and we were sent on our way. Once home, I started to worry about how much he was spitting up, and also by the color of it. We had been assigned a pediatrician through the hospital, and we called with our concerns. We were basically poo-pooed as newbie parents and told not to worry about it. Except that I had done more than a fair share of babysitting in my time, and this was not right. When The Boy projectile vomited across the kitchen (our very large kitchen), we went in. The doctor looked at his bib, with the yellow stain on it, and then all of a sudden she was concerned. She took the bib, walked out of the room, and then came back and told us if it happened again to go to the emergency room. Even as a newbie parent, I was less than satisfied with that response.

We decided to get a second opinion. Same medical system, different doctor. After explaining what had happened in the past two weeks, he asked, very casually, if we had had an “Upper GI”. Umm, nope. The previous doctor told us that would be too invasive. He replied that it wasn’t invasive, the baby drinks some milk-like stuff, and they take an X-ray to track the liquid through his gastrointestinal tract to see if there is a blockage. Made sense, didn’t sound invasive, and one was scheduled ASAP.

We brought The Boy in, fed him the stuff, and then we were met in the waiting room by an intern who told us that our son would be having major intestinal surgery in a matter of four hours.

Words cannot describe the shock and fear we felt, but I appreciated the professionality and care from the staff, and kept thanking the stars, the heavens, God, and whoever else that would listen that we had gotten a second opinion. The Boy had a “malrotation of the intestine” and they told us that if he hadn’t had the surgery within the next 24 hours, he may not have survived.

We went straight to the surgery waiting room and waited. And it was quite possibly the longest and worst day I have ever been through, although we really didn’t have time to be scared, and were still in shock.

He did exceptionally well in the surgery, and was admitted to the hospital where one of us stayed with him round the clock for the next week. He was not allowed to eat or drink anything except sugar water until his system was completely clear, so that they could make sure the surgery was a success. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I look back at the pictures and he looks like a little baby skeleton. My parents hadn’t even met him yet!

I was still healing from childbirth, and taking shifts being there, lack of sleep, worrying… It was a trying time. The surgeon was fantastic, checking up on the little “peanut” as he called him, and pretty soon, we were able to take our baby boy home again for the second time. It was never lost on me how very lucky we were and are that all was well in the end. Except, as the surgeon explained about the scar on his belly, “He’ll never be a Chippendale dancer.” I think we can all live with that.

Do People Ever Change?

Posted on February 17, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I ask that as a truly philosophical question. In my personal experience, it takes a lot for a person to change. Conditions have to be just right, including the person’s own desire to change, having the ability and wherewithal to put in the actual hard work of changing, and having some sort of positive reinforcement. In other words, the stars have to align.

Maybe it’s a cynical point of view, but as I said, it is based on my own empirical data, my own worldview and my own experience. I know that changing my habits to include exercise have been a monumental task, with only limited success. I can’t imagine what someone who is attempting to quit smoking, or trying to become a more positive person goes through.

Awareness is the first step, though, and some people do not even choose to be aware of their own habits, or ways of being that may need changing. Of course, if they are happy with who they are, and everyone else be damned, that’s perfectly fine – we all have free will. But that person also must accept the possible consequence that all of those “damned” people may not stick around for too long.

So who cares? Well, as one who is soon to be joining households with a long-time bachelor, I do. Change is inevitable, don’t you think? A friend of mine who went through this process a few years ago (and is still, as it is an ongoing process) said the other day, as I was talking about this very subject, “He’ll change. You’ll see.” In fact, I think we both will. We all will.

It takes a little bravery on the part of a good friend or partner to bring up to the person that their habits or ways of being may need to be considered. That loved one must realize that an argument will most likely be the outcome, because most people will react defensively. If they truly love you, though, they will consider what you have said, and will really begin to think about changing his or her own behavior. In fact, that love is another ingredient for change. We make adjustments for the ones we truly love, don’t we? We want them to be happy, and usually find it within ourselves to contribute to that happiness. This, too has been my experience, already in this process. You have to truly care about each others’ feelings, and trust that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you, but bring your attention to something that could make your lives together a little more harmonious.

Trust. Love. Desire. Hard work. Strength.

Sounds like a recipe for a good marriage to me.

What are your thoughts?

What’s Working

Posted on February 16, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I talk about a lot of stuff that I’m going to do, but I don’t always get back to you and let you know what’s working, so…

The cold oatmeal in a jar? That’s been working! Like clockwork. Except just in the last week or so, I’ve been getting a little sick of it, so I’m going to switch up some flavors.
The 6-Shelf Sweater Sorter! The Boy actually filled it himself this past weekend and was proud of himself for doing so. And the best part is that he is wearing every pair of his pants now, not the same pair every day. Success! It also keeps me on track with making sure the laundry gets done so it can be filled.
It’s early days yet, but the Magnetic Menu Planner is working SO well! It helps with making the grocery list, and reminding me what’s planned (and what needs to be defrosted, etc.). I have been cooking like a fiend, and loving it. I’m even freezing leftovers and reducing waste.

Another success I’ve had recently is with chores. I have written about allowance, and not basing it on chores before, but saw this post about how to make a visual chart for kids, and allowing them to have input. I implemented only the chart of what gets done each day, and The Boy is actually doing chores (like wiping the kitchen counter, and picking up his things)! The best part? We haven’t even talked about allowance – he’s doing it because I need him to help out (and I need to teach him basic living skills). You can’t get any better than that.

Take a minute and think about what’s working for you lately. Let us know how it’s going in the comments below.

Most Important

Posted on February 15, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Passage of Time (Photo credit: ToniVC)

The Boy and I are first to the school every single day, with the exception of the lone morning custodian. He lets us in the door shortly after 7am, and we wait, often for at least 10 minutes, until other faces arrive, children and their parents, but rarely the same ones. And then around 7:15am, the Kids Club staff arrive.

There have been a couple of times when a parent has come in, assumed I worked for Kids Club, and promptly left their children with a quick peck on the cheek. Nevermind my big puffy coat and scarf… Or there are times when a parent comes in, constantly looking at his/her watch, declaring over and over how they have to get to work (as if I don’t). Today, a woman actually pecked her kids and told them she was going to go wait by the door, because she had to “skedaddle”… Yep, that 15 seconds from the gym to the parking lot door is really going to make a difference, Lady.

When I overhear things like this, I often look at the kids, who look embarrassed and sad. All of these parents are sending a message, with their words, actions and body language that no kid could miss — work is more important.

There are times when we have a rough morning, and yes it’s irritating to have to text my boss and tell him I am running late, but he’s my kid. There is nothing on this planet more important than him. And if I have to be a few minutes late to work, so be it.

I hope these parents get a clue before their children are grown and gone, but realistically how will they learn?

Valentines and Stuff

Posted on February 14, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Valentine’s Day. It always has me pondering stuff and

do I want stuff,
why do I want stuff, or
why is it ok to/not to get stuff, and back to
it’s really not about stuff.

Or other people, which is reason number one why I think people want stuff for Valentine’s Day. It is not a display of love between two people, it is a display of love “between” two people that is promptly shared with all and sundry, as in look-how-much-he-loves-me-because-he-got-me-this-stuff.

I get a little piece of Valentine’s Day every time he sends me a card in the mail on some random day, sends me a funny email, or any of the wonderful ways he makes me feel loved even when we’re separated by 900 freakin’ miles. Last year on Valentine’s Day, I got a little thrill when I pulled out my phone to set a tempo in class, and realized he had called and left a voicemail. My students would tell you I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, and was blushing and giggly, just knowing he had called me. I don’t need stuff, and I don’t want stuff. I have what I want. And I am a lucky, lucky lady.

Got Your Summer Booked Yet?

Posted on February 13, 2013 by simpleijustdo

One of the biggest anxieties The Boy has about moving is that he will miss his ESY program (that’s Extended School Year, if you weren’t aware). ESY is a service that public schools provide to children who would otherwise take a drastic step backward in their academic and behavioral progress if they did not continue a type of school structure through the summer months. Many districts keep this service on the down-low because if parents don’t know about it, and don’t ask about it, and they don’t happen to mention it at the IEP, they don’t have to have a program and pay for it. I know districts that do this on purpose, intimately. Some districts even go so far as to tell parents that their children don’t need it, just so that they don’t have to have a program…

But The Boy’s district has a fabulous program, although it has scaled back even in the five years The Boy has attended, I’m assuming due to funding cuts. In any case, he digs it. Looks forward to it, and collects the T-shirts (even from years before he attended, thanks to an awesome gift from his amazing ASD teacher). It’s like really, really laid back school. But it’s structure, and school-like, so The Boy can’t get enough.

Now, when we move, from what I can tell, there is nothing like that where we will be. Plan B is a summer program offered either by the Boys and Girls Club or the City Parks and Rec department. If it isn’t Boy-friendly (i.e. they’re not used to having special needs kids participate…), it soon will be. I can guarantee that.

I just hope we can get him in a daily program with enough structure that he will enjoy it, and maybe meet some new friends. It breaks my heart that he won’t be able to attend ESY, but I hope with a little planning and forethought, we can find him the next best thing.

Wish us luck!

Something Borrowed, Nothing New

Posted on February 12, 2013 by simpleijustdo

A letter from my grandpa to my grandma, dated 1939

My grandparents were married in 1925, in New York City. My grandfather was 25, my grandmother 20, and they had eloped, staying with a cousin, as they were both from upstate New York, near Buffalo. They were both Italian immigrants, and as such, very Catholic, and this eloping thing got them in pretty hot water. And they knew it would. They went so far as to rent bridal regalia and have a picture taken (not a cheap process in 1925!) as proof of the marriage, and the seriousness of their intentions to my great-grandfather. It didn’t work real well, as he didn’t speak to them until after they had their first child, almost two years later, even though they lived only blocks from each other.

Before they eloped, they dated of course, but my great-grandfather made it clear that one of my grandmother’s brothers had to “chaperone”. My grandfather was a bowler (scandalous!), and hung out at a bar called “The Red Front” which wasn’t the most savory of places, and so my great-grandfather didn’t think him a suitable match for his eldest daughter. Some of the brothers did a better job of chaperoning than others, and some of the younger kids reported having learned to kiss from watching my grandparents on the porch at the end of a date.

I have been reflecting on this, because sometimes we think we are the first to experience everything we experience. And sometimes we think our ancestors led rather boring lives. But I admire their strength and courage. They knew they had found their one true love, and they pursued each other, even though there were clearly obstacles, namely my great-grandfather. And it was important to them that he understand, which he eventually did. My grandparents were married for 63 years, and although it looked like a typical love from the outside, you never know a relationship unless you are in it.

He called her “Darling”. ❤

Pity and Forgiveness

Posted on February 11, 2013 by simpleijustdo

sad (Photo credit: Kalexanderson)

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness. As I’ve written before, I find it hard to forgive the ex for the constant disappointment he inflicts on The Boy. When he cancels a week of visitation, when he only makes time to see him 4 weeks out of every 52, it is difficult to control the “mama bear” instinct inside of me that wants to thrash him within an inch of his life. When I have to hold my son while he cries because “it’s too far” for his dad to come and pick him up, forgiveness is probably the furthest thing from my mind. And I know forgiving him would be healthier for me. But it is one of the most difficult of my internal struggles.

Today, though, after receiving a text from the ex on Friday saying that due to getting his tax refund back, all of his arrearages in child support will be paid in full as of next Friday, and that he would call The Boy on Saturday (he didn’t)… Today, I find I feel pity. Pity that the man has a college degree, and is almost 40, but cannot hold a job long enough to prevent this situation. Pity that his anger sometimes controls his actions, never for the good. Pity that he just can’t get his sh– straight. Pity that he just has no clue about what he is missing.

And I suppose pity is closer to forgiveness, right?