In the Thick of It

Posted on July 23, 2012 by simpleijustdo

It is hard to describe what I feel as a parent in the thick of one of my son’s meltdowns, but it is a dark place. Helplessness, hopelessness, fear, guilt, anger, and embarrassment. Not a good mix. I am writing this post to share with you, because it helps me to express these feelings and talk honestly about them, and it may help you to realize that you are not alone when a meltdown hits.

Last year, one of my students invited me to her community play, and when I am personally invited to events like this, I remember how much courage it took to invite an adult, how much it means to them, and I make every effort to go. Afterwards, this is what I wrote in my journal:

“Tonight, I paid almost $30 for The Boy and I to see a community play that I had been invited to by one of my students. The Boy has grown so much over the years in terms of his ability to behave well in these situations, that I didn’t have a second thought about it. And then the autism snuck up on me. Us. He began kicking the seat in front of us. Lightly, but I’m sure enough for the woman to feel it. Then the shoes came off, and then the hat started to fly. Not sure if there was an intermission or not, I made the decision to take him out. Easier said than done. It’s to the point that I cannot pick him up and carry him out. So he flopped. And I struggled to pick him up and leave. For what seemed like 2 hours, while the actors are trying to continue over The Boy’s full-throated screams and protests. I got him to a stage door, and a woman came over to deliver the hat and my purse which I had thrown aside to get my hands on him. An usher came over to let us know there was an exit door behind us (gee-thanks). I got him calmed enough to stand up and go through one set of doors. And then I realized we were missing his shoe. So we went out into the lobby, with me huffing and puffing like I’d just run a marathon. I asked an usher if she would retrieve his shoe after explaining the situation, which she did. And then we left.

I cried. Both of us screamed at each other. His allowance was revoked, and his bedtime backed up by a half hour, and objects were thrown in the car. Once home, he was ordered to go to bed, and refused. So I retreated to my bedroom and locked the door. He says he wants to live with his dad, and he is very afraid that I am going to tattle on him to his teacher, afraid that he will not be able to go on the field trip to Bounce House on Friday.”

It is a painful memory for me, because I handled it poorly from beginning to end. I didn’t give a thought to where our seats were, because I assumed he would be OK, which was my first mistake. (Actually, my first mistake was considering whether or not he wanted to go, and not considering leaving him home if that wasn’t the case!) I still debate about whether or not I should have taken the stand on the shoes being off. I think the fact that the people sitting next to us were older, and were already giving us looks when that debate came up influenced my decision, and it shouldn’t have. And I handled the consequences, the aftermath very poorly. But…

I am one person. I am not perfect. Stuff happens. All I can hope is that we learned something from it, and that these meltdowns are few and far between (which luckily, has been the case — I know others are not so lucky).

Care to share your worst meltdown story?

Me-Time (Fantastic Babysitters are a Necessity)

Posted on July 22, 2012 by simpleijustdo

Babysitting (Photo credit: Daquella manera)

Today, our babysitter picked up The Boy and took him for the day, leaving me with a whole chunk of Me-Time.

There are plenty of single moms out there who will tell you that they feel guilty leaving their kids with a babysitter so that they can pursue selfish interests. I would not be one of those single moms. I also don’t feel guilty being a working mom, because being a career woman is part of my identity. If I stay too long at home, I go stir-crazy, and so does The Boy. To him, there IS such a thing as too much vacation (this is where I think he’s a little nuts, but different strokes, right?).

Me-Time is essential to me, for my sanity. You may think I am using that term loosely, but if you have a kid with special needs, you know that your brain works similarly to that of a battle medic – always alert for a major disaster, and ready to solve problems at a moment’s notice. Me-Time is a break from that, and it is blissful. It recharges me, and helps me come back to my child, appreciating him for the amazing kid that he is.

In my Singlemomdom, I am an only child, meaning I do not have siblings ready and willing to provide free babysitting. And my parents live 900 miles away. Therefore, I rely heavily on babysitters. This is not a foolproof system, and there are times when I just can’t do what I’d need or like to do. I have had to take days off of work, often at inopportune times, but that’s just part of it. There isn’t any more I can do about it, so stressing about it isn’t going to help anyone.

But how do I find Fantastic Babysitters? It isn’t easy, and I will give you my disclaimer now that, as a teacher, I kind of have an advantage. I have a bevy of former students whom I know I can trust with my only offspring. But not even this has always worked out well.

I found our best and most fantastic babysitter on Craigslist (remember when I told you about Craigslist??). It was shortly after the divorce was final, and I realized that I would need someone pretty regularly, as my job requires me to attend several evening functions every month. I looked on Craigslist, and narrowed my choices down to three. I contacted them, asked for resumes and references, and scheduled interviews. I found excellent questions to ask online, and also asked about their experiences with kids with special needs. From those interviews, it was a no-brainer which one I would hire, and four years later, she is like one of the family.

There are other resources out there as well, if you just aren’t in a financial place to be able to afford babysitters. Think about swapping time with a friend who has kids, or contacting your local National Honor Society chapter to see if any of their members need service hours. College students may also need service hours, or observation hours if they are entering the education or child development fields. If you have kids who have special needs, contact some of your local special needs groups to see if they offer respite care, or know of any organizations that do.

I think we single moms can fall easily into the martyr role, and truthfully, some of us revel in that. I work hard, and truthfully, I’m a better mom because I’ve had to do it on my own, but I am also a better mom because I take time for myself. I have not put my interests and hobbies on the back burner until my son turns 18. Maybe that’s because unlike moms of neurotypical kids, I may not have an empty nest at that point, and my nest may never be empty, but that’s for another post. I still need to be me, and I still need alone time to pursue those interests. If I don’t I will grow to resent this precious boy of mine. It helps to have a Fantastic Babysitter, so if you don’t have one yet, go get one! You won’t know what you ever did without him/her!!

After the Divorce: Money

Posted on July 19, 2012 by simpleijustdo

Image representing LearnVest as depicted in Cr...

Image via CrunchBase

I don’t know about you, but it wasn’t just my emotional life that was in a shambles after my divorce. I think my finances were in even worse shape. In my own case, this was because I had done the hands-down, stupidest thing a woman can ever do with her money — gave control of it to someone else. If there was one thing, ONE THING, I could go back and change, it would be that. That’s not to say that I didn’t see the light before the end. For years, I tried to get the ex to even let me share in the bill-paying responsibilities, but that offended his masculine sensibilities, so therefore I wasn’t allowed to touch my own money. He didn’t prohibit me from using the ATM or anything, I just never had any idea if there was any money in there, so I didn’t even try. He “kept track” of the bills on the backs of random envelopes, using his own chicken-scratch that even he couldn’t understand, and eventually, we had a house foreclosure, a car re-poed (from my work… at my SCHOOL… how embarrassing), and thousands in debt to hospitals, doctors, utility companies… What a mess.

He even took his name off of the car insurance before the divorce was final, and stopped paying on it, so I owed the car insurance company for two cars that weren’t even in my name, and I wasn’t even driving them.

And then I went to buy a car… Because I had cosigned for his work van (which he GAVE to a friend before leaving the state), and payments had not been made on it for several months, I almost couldn’t get a vehicle at all.

But I did (paying almost 25% interest), and I knew I would never miss a payment.

Does this sound familiar? Are you asking yourself, “What do I do NOW??”

Step One: Order a copy of your credit report from all 3 credit companies: Equifax, Transunion, and Experian. You are entitled to one free copy per year, so do these three all at once the first year, and then in future years, order one from one company every 4 months. They will all have similar if not the same information, and that way you can keep track of your progress, and dispute anything that should not be there. DO NOT pay for your credit score anywhere! You can get it for free at Credit Karma. Your score is handy to know if you are going to the bank or credit union to try to get a loan. They can crunch some better numbers if you have an idea of what your score is. Don’t freak out if it’s low. Mine was in the basement, and in 4 years, It has gone up over 200 points.

Step Two: Take care of as many outstanding debts on your credit report as you can. And as soon as you can. Always request that they remember to make a note on your credit report that the account has been resolved. Sometimes you can even negotiate a settlement amount less than what you owe. Make sure to dispute any claims that are incorrect, as well. This takes phone calls, something I abhorred doing, but have gotten much better about, primarily through this process. This report is YOU, and you want to look your best to the world. You want it to reflect you, your values, and your work ethic accurately, and it may take a little work to get it back to where it needs to be. Nobody can do that but yourself!

Step Three: Take a hard look at what is coming in every month (and don’t count on the child support — Only depend on yourself), and what is going out. You may have to cut back on some things while you are paying all off this debt. You would be surprised what alternatives there are out there to the things we think we have to have. The library became my best friend, as well as a little group called Freecycle, and Craigslist. I became a bit of a bargain hunter, which is a great skill to have, regardless of your income. Notice that I said “bargain hunter” and not “couponer”…

Step Four: Pay every bill on time.

Step Five: Once you are out of the woods, which may take a few months (or even a few years), you need to start some long-range planning. Check out some trusted sites to help you with both your day-to-day budgeting and your long-term plans: Mint.com, and Learnvest.com. I have tried both, and personally like Learnvest’s whole-person approach, as they give you articles and training based on your interests, but it is woman-centered, which may or may not appeal to you. Lots of people (and I mean LOTS) use Mint, as well.

Finally, if you are not already a member, I highly recommend using a credit union. They have fewer fees, and are more likely to reward somebody like you, working hard to take control of their finances, with better interest rates, and needed loans.

As you start digging yourself out of the hole, make sure to take care of yourself, and to even pamper yourself every once in awhile. We are human, and we need some creature comforts to remain that way.

You can do this. You will find sources of strength you never knew you had. And you will have the power over your own money, which is a fantastic feeling.

Raising the village

Posted on July 18, 2012 by simpleijustdo

The Boy and I walked down to the park a few days ago, which is about 3 blocks away. It was evening, and there was a multitude of baseball games being played on the diamonds. We were headed for the playground, because team sports aren’t really our thing.

Often, at this park, parents are attending their children’s games, and will send their younger children to the playground area to have something to do while their big brother plays baseball. Not usually a problem, but not much adult supervision in the playground as a result.

Tonight, I noticed there were some older kids hanging out on the periphery of the playground — a small group of boys on one bench, a slightly larger group of girls on the swings nearby, and another group of boys sitting in the slide, preventing the kids from using it, throwing things, and being a general nuisance. I watched this group for a bit, giving them my best, meanest, evilest teacher eye, which had absolutely no effect. A dad of one of these boys came over, spoke to one of the boys, and this group gave up their perch and moved behind the other two groups of kids. Now, as this was happening, I could overhear the first group of boys swearing, but I didn’t say anything because it was in their private conversation, and I didn’t think any of the nearby kids could hear it.

As soon as Group Of Boys 2 moved behind these other two groups, the whole mating ritual began with the trash talk between the groups, and the swearing, getting louder.

My son, bless his heart, watched an episode of Spongebob a month or two ago, and has been fascinated with the concept of “bad words” ever since. As you may or may not know, kids with autism will often have these little obsessions over weeks, months, and even years (God, I hope this one doesn’t last that long!).

I believe The Boy heard one of the girls swearing, and went up to her and told her she shouldn’t be using words like that (because that’s how he rolls). She proceeded to swear directly at him (or so I gather), because he laughed and ran to me saying that she owed him a quarter. Yes, this is a recent addition to our conversations, when the adults in his life let one slip.

As the swearing continued at a higher volume level, my inner teacher/assistant principal came out of nowhere and yelled across to them, “Hey! Do you think you could stop swearing? I mean you ARE at a playground. There’s little kids around!”

And do you think they said “Yes, Ma’am. Sorry, Ma’am”? No, I am sad to say, they did not. They got even louder, sprinkled their speech with even more foul language, and started yelling about their First Amendment Rights. I told them that it is indeed against the law to swear in front of children in our state, and that they should look that up.

Luckily, The Boy’s timer was about to go off, and when it did, we left. But not before I looked up the Police Department’s non-emergency number. Dialed it as we were leaving and informed them of the group of swearing belligerent youth in the playground. If they won’t respect a random adult, maybe they’d respect one in uniform.

Kids of any age, shape, color or size need to be called out on their bad behavior in public. And I say that thinking of the old biddy on our train who shook her head and made loud disapproving noises when The Boy and I were riding to Chicago when he was a toddler, obviously aimed at his rambunctious (little-did-we-know-it-then-autistic) behavior. So to qualify, in the absence of a parent or other adult figure, when children are trying to get away with poor behavior, we citizens of society need to stand in the place of those parents and guardians who would no doubt disapprove, and call them out.

I know we hesitate because it feels like we’re meddling in someone else’s business, or judging someone else’s parenting. It’s NOT that. It’s creating an immediate consequence for a negative behavior. That’s how they learn to be human beings.

What say you? Would you stand up and call out a kid that’s not yours? Have you done this? Share your story below.

Bedtime (Social) Story Update

Posted on July 17, 2012 by simpleijustdo

Last night we wrote the story, and The Boy went to bed after that fairly easily.

Tonight, we had another flare up, but it has been about 20 minutes, and he is still in his room, and not threatening to leave the state. I hear things being thrown, and some angry muttering, but all in all, a much calmer reaction to “lights out” tonight. I’m probably jinxing myself as I write this, so I am going to delay the post… Nope. He finally settled. *Whew!*

Later this week, I will be receiving a book that I learned about on Learnvest (which is a fantastic financial site aimed at women — if you are recently divorced, or even if you’re not, they have a wealth of very valuable and trusted information — see what I did there? “Wealth”? snort). It is called “Earn It, Learn It” by Alisa Weinstein, and contains the “Earn My Keep” program, which is a re-design of how we do allowance, and how to help our kids actually, really, truly understand that money doesn’t grow on trees. More to come…

Forethought

Posted on July 15, 2012 by simpleijustdo

Merriam-Webster defines forethought as: “1 : a thinking or planning out in advance 2 : consideration for the future”.

One of my favorite things to do is plan. Ask my boyfriend, Mr. We-don’t-need-a-reservation. I plan events at work, thinking through every detail about traffic flow, announcements, seating arrangements, and clean-up. And I love to plan vacations, although I now have to reign it in a bit, coming up with “possibilities” for us to do (and calendaring them all, just so we know where and when we could do them. If we wanted…).

It doesn’t ALWAYS work out so well, though. I’ve tried that plan for housecleaning, (you know the one) that entails doing a different chore everyday for a month. I like it in principal, but in my house, with one person doing all the cleaning… Let’s just say it got as far as the calendar, and then it was toast.

And what happens when the plan doesn’t work, or you just can’t get to it ahead of time? Consider being on the other end. How many times have I been in a staff meeting, or watched some new program being implemented, and thought, “Well, that could have gone better with a little forethought!” I’ve also been able to look back after a major meltdown and realize that it was ALL MY FAULT, because I didn’t think about what would happen if I forgot the wipes, if the ex bailed on his kid again, or if I got stuck at work .

I’m pointing my finger at myself as I write this: MAYBE, if I don’t have time to put forethought into it, MAYBE I shouldn’t do it. Maybe I need to create some time in my schedule to think about stuff before it happens, so I can envision all outcomes, and be better prepared. And if I can’t find time to do that, maybe I’m too busy, and some things on my agenda need to be delegated, shelved, or deleted.

I know I need to do this more. I know that my son and I can preempt some meltdowns this way.

How about you?