Mom!! Where is my _____??

The Boy is a slob.  You would think for a kid that couldn’t resist lining up Pringles and m&ms as a toddler, his room would have some semblance of order, but not so much.  This misplacing of things has been the reason for many, many a morning meltdown.  I have found that even when I try to predict every possible little thing he may need for school, something else will come up in the last two minutes before we need to be out the door (in order to get to school first, lest that spark a meltdown).  Whew.

Bins and organizers are not the answer.  I have a sneaking suspicion that The Container Store and IKEA do a great deal of their yearly business in January, when people decide that the only reason they are disorganized is because they don’t have enough BINS!

So, little miss Has-All-The-Answers, what is the answer??

Training.  Here’s how I know.  The Boy went to daycare as a wee one at a lady’s house, and loved her.  She taught him to put his shoes just inside the door, and pop his socks right inside, so they would be there when he wanted to put them back on to go outside.  He was there from the age of about 6 months to 3 years, and you know what?  To this day, he still does this with his shoes.  Ergo, finding a particular space for all of his things, and then using those spaces with lots and lots of repetition is the plan.

lined-up shoes

Of course, the purging of unnecessary and duplicate items comes first.  But then, it’s time for mise-en-place and repetition.  The other part of the game plan?  Buying multiples of the things he wears and uses most.  This means less laundry and hunting for me.

Any other tips for getting your child to be somewhat organized?  Share them in the comments.

The Curse (or is it Gift?) of the Middle School Teacher

After teaching middle schoolers for almost half my life, I can see what kids will look like as teenagers.  If I really look at a child that still has some baby fat, baby teeth, braces, and that awkward, gawky way of trying to hold their body just so, I can picture him or her after 4 years or so, taller, more self-assured, straighter teeth.

I looked at The Boy today and realized he is no longer a boy.  He is quickly on his way to becoming a teen.  He had just woken up, and was still a little out of it, staring into space, allowing me a moment to really study him.  And I blinked, looked at the pictures all around us in our living room, at that little boy in kindergarten, then after he’d lost a few teeth, looking like that beautiful, typical American boy…  “Where did my baby go?” I said.  “He’s in the pictures, Mom,” The Boy replied as I hugged him tight.  I watched him amble off, down the hall, and I pictured him, taller, broader shoulders, and a little more self-assured (I mean, after all, he can even make his own bagels, now!), and I had two simultaneous emotions: sadness that I’m losing my little boy, and hope for the man he will become.

And here come the tears…

breakfast

Purging

I have a new thing on my to-do list every weekend: purging.  That is, getting rid of stuff that will not make the move with us.  While we are technically moving to a bigger house, we still have to get rid of the unnecessary stuff that we have collected over the three years we have lived here (and some of it much, much longer).

I don’t want to leave all of it for late spring – it would be too monumental a task.  I make it sound like I am a hoarder, which I’m not (although The Man thinks I am).  We just have a basement with stuff in every closet, and The Boy has way too many toys (thanks to all of the many people who love and spoil him).  We’ll be having a garage sale in the spring, but I will also donate whatever I can.  It just needs to be gone.

Moving boxes

I’m leaving the toys for last, because as you may have experienced, kids with autism tend to not want to give up their things, even if they haven’t used or played with them in six years.  One has to be a bit sneaky at times, and even then it can come back to bite you (“Mom!!!  I can’t find that green egg-shaped timer I had when I was four!  Where IS it???”).

Today, I will turn to my own closets, which I do about every three months or so.  But this time will be more critical, and I am in the right mood to rid myself of stuff that I will not wear again.

I think I’ll save the basement closets for next weekend…

The Necessity of Friends

There are those who have lots and lots of friends, and there are those who don’t.  I fall into the latter category, mostly, I think, because I don’t mind being alone.  Let’s face it, it’s easier to be alone, do things alone, or just stay in the house on a cold night rather than go out.  It’s even more difficult to get out of the house as a single mom, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.I have always been on the socially awkward side, shy, never sure of the right thing to say or do in social situations, and continue to have embarrassing moments at parties and get-togethers, about which I am still mortified, although I hide it well.

Don’t get me wrong – I love having a Girl’s Night Out (just planned one for later February with a couple of old friends!), but I also love my computer, and my kindle, and my fireplace…

But just this week, I have connected with a few friends I hadn’t seen in weeks, even months, and it felt good.  It felt good to talk about myself for a bit, and to have adult conversation.  And I realize I need that interaction with all of my friends from varying parts and times of my life.  It reminds me of my whole person, and reminds me of the rather huge, yet invisible, net I have to fall back on when things are rough.  I don’t avail myself of it enough.  I forget.  I need to remind myself more to reach out to all of those connections.  For my own mental health and stability.

How about you?  Do you remember to make time to connect with your sometimes far-flung friends?

That’s My Boy!

Tonight was The Boy’s first full-blown band concert.  He is in 5th grade and was able to start playing an instrument in band this year.  He wanted to play tuba, but settled for the baritone (euphonium) when they wouldn’t let him start on his first choice.  At first, I couldn’t get him to practice, but lately, it hasn’t been so difficult, especially when I play with him.

If you didn’t know, this is what I do all day long.  I teach band in middle school, and to have my own son finally have his chance to play an instrument has been an experienceMy kid has been that kid that doesn’t practice, and doesn’t turn in practice time, and forgets to bring his book home.  My kid. *sigh*

But tonight, he got to see the middle school and high school bands play, and he stayed in his seat, paying attention for the whole concert.

It’s huge.  I’m not just being that mom when I say he’s got a great ear, and I really should have started him on piano ages ago.  He plays stuff by ear from time to time, did really well with recorder last year, and in general loves music.

Tonight, the high school pep band played Seven Nation Army, which is a tune by the White Stripes.  The Boy knows this song because it’s on my iPod, but it starts with the tubas playing the melody, and he turned and caught my eye as soon as he heard it with this big, open-mouthed grin, and…  I turned into my mom (no offense, Mom!) — we always joked that she cried at parades (she really did), and there I was, tearing up because The Boy had a look of such pure joy at the sound of a tuba…

Anyway, this is him – the one in the center of the picture with the (fake) glasses and the green shirt, my budding musician, the star of my show:

Bandorama

Congrats, Little Man, on what I hope is the first of many concerts!

The Best Advice

My grandma used to say, “Do your best and that’s all you can do.”  It’s kind of a funny saying, but I repeat it to myself often, in particular because of the last part.  Anyone who loves me and knows me, knows that I am my very own worst critic, and that I’m often hypersensitive to criticism only because whatever you were going to say to me, I’ve already berated myself about inside my head about 57 times.  Sometimes I need to cut myself a break.

There’s a great book called the Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey (I actually read the also great book, The Inner Game of Music by Barry Green and Timothy Gallwey, based on the same ideas), and one of the founding principles is that in order to perform well, you need to find a way to shush those inner “you-can’t-do-it” voices, the “judges”, as he calls them.  You have to find a way to take away their power to suck the very lifeblood out of you, because they will if given the chance.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I do have high expectations for myself, and the things I need to do, because often I am the only one to do them.  If I can’t, it won’t get done, which can lead to more problems.  But Grandma was exactly correct – if I’ve done my best (which is almost always the case) that’s all I can do!

After a full school day, starting at 7:30pm, getting out of my last school meeting at 5:00pm, talking to The Man on the brief ride home, having an hour to sit (whew!) and then heading out for another meeting that lasted a solid two hours, talking to The Man again on the brief ride home, and finally able to take my heels off at 9:30pm (after talking to Fantastic Babysitter, settling The Boy, and realizing I hadn’t eaten dinner), I realize I have done the best I can do today, and that’s all I can do.  Working out will have to wait until tomorrow.

dogasleep1

Facebook Groups You Should Be Following

If you are a Facebook user, you may have already seen something about these groups.  If not, you may want to add them to your feed.

Everyone Matters, according to their page, is a “global Inclusiveness campaign w Sir Paul McCartney, Nicole Kidman, Ellen D., Hugh Jackman, orgs & public with a message to judge others less, see the humanity in everyone, and emphasize that everyone has the right to be who they are.”  They highlight real stories from real people from all walks of life, as well as the usual graphics and pictures.  I often “share” what they post, so that I, too, can spread a message of inclusiveness for everyone. (@everyonematters on twitter)

EM fb page

Autism Shines, according to their page, allows you to “upload your photo of someone you love with autism, or yourself, and caption it with something great about them. Help us show the world all the positive attributes of autism!”  At first, I found the constant updates to my feed a tad excessive, but after awhile, I really grew to love the positive, beautiful pictures of children with autism from all over the world.  This page really puts a face (so many of them) to the label of “autism,” and it’s definitely not “Rain Man”. (@autismshines on twitter)

Single Mothers who have Children with Autism, is another page: “If you know or love someone with autism, have autism or just want to learn more about autism then you are welcome here. Follow us on twitter too at: www.twitter.com/SingleAutismMom”  I just started following this group, but I love that they share posts asking for advice.  They also share graphics with messages that jive with how I feel about autism in general, i.e. “Autism is not a choice, however Acceptance is.”

Finally, Shared Abilities is a new one for me, as well: “www.SharedAbilities.com is A Community for SHARING Information about Special Needs and Celebrating All We are ABLE to Accomplish!”  This is the Facebook page for a website with forums (fantastic resource for parents of kids with special needs!) and a newsletter.  They also post about various fundraisers and local opportunities all over the country. (@SharedAbilities on twitter)

You see, I use my Facebook page to share things that I think the people who care about me (and my son) ought to know, if they don’t already.  I love being a voice for people with autism, and indeed anyone seeking acceptance.  If others find that obnoxious, that’s their problem, and not mine.

I hope you check these pages out — I know they’re worth your time.

Autism and Puberty for Boys

The Boy is 11 now, and just within the past six months or so, he has been experiencing some significant changes to his body.  He is much more private about using the bathroom and taking a shower, and I’ve been fretting about just how to talk about this stuff with him.  I’m not really an expert on the boy process, you know?  I always learned about the girl stuff in school – go figure.  And with a mostly absent dad, and a fiance whose job it really isn’t anyway, it’s left to me to explain…

A friend mentioned that The American Girl company (that makes the dolls) has an excellent book on this subject, but alas, it’s for girls – go figure.  This left me to wonder was there anything out there for boys??

Then the other day, Autism Speaks (love them or hate them, they do have awesome resources!) posted on facebook about several resources for boys with autism going through puberty.  Amazing how some things just fall in your lap at the right times.  I ordered two of the books, Taking Care of Myself by Mary Wrobel and The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up by Terri Couwenhoven.

puberty books

Taking Care of Myself is more of a curriculum resource for teachers (primarily), focusing on hygiene and puberty.  It is for both boys and girls.  I am still working through it, and will do more of a full review later, but it seems to contain social story-based text that you can use in multiple formats for your child with autism.

The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up is a much shorter book, designed to be read to or with your son with a developmental disability.  It focuses on the internal and external effects of puberty: changes to the body, and changes in feelings.  It spends a lot of time discussing the difference between public and private, and what is OK to share publicly, and what is better done in private.  It only touches on hygiene. It is written at a third grade reading level so that more boys can access the information, and it is repetitive so that main ideas are reinforced.  It also has illustrations which are appropriate.

Neither of these books talks about sexuality or intercourse, which is just fine by me!

Hygiene is starting to be an issue with us, so I think using both of these books is going to be the best bet for us.  But with The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up, I feel like I can have a conversation now with The Boy about the changes he is beginning to experience, and feel less like an idiot.

I’ll keep you posted.

Now What?

When you tell people you are engaged, they immediately ask you something along the lines of, “Now what?”: Have you set a date?  Where will you live?  What are your plans????

While I’m not going to say that we haven’t thought about these things (because I am a planner, after all, and that is just who I am), I must say that I’m having a great time just reveling in the feeling of being engaged, of having someone who loves me utterly, who has done one of the most vulnerable and romantic things a man can do, which is propose that we commit our lives to each other.

And perspective is an amazing thing.  I’ve done this before, and it’s almost amusing to look at a bridal magazine and all the infinite, intricate pieces of a wedding that are out there as ideas, and products, and kits, and… whew!  It’s a relief to have this experience behind me that makes me shake my head, laugh a little, and say to myself, “So unnecessary”…

So while I’m thinking about the “getting married” part (which pieces are important, and which pieces just really aren’t) because weddings are fun, I’m also thinking about the “Now What?” after the wedding.  Being a wife, blending a family, the big changes in my life (our lives!), and the one man who loves me enough to take it all on with me.

Have a beautiful day!

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Humiliating Your Child Is Not Parenting

Did you see the Facebook post of the parent who took a picture of her son with his Playstation and a Captain America figure, and the sign he held up that said something like, “I had to return the Playstation I was going to get for Christmas because I didn’t show enough gratitude for the Captain America figure I got.”

Really?  This is what you came up with to teach your son about gratitude?  Using social media as a weapon, a source of humiliation and embarrassment?

I think there’s a growing trend of extremism in all aspects of society, and I think parenting has not escaped this trend.  Listen, I am not a pushover teacher.  I have many students who are not used to hearing the word, “no”, but I will say it as many times as it takes to be understood.  But in teaching and parenting, one must realize that we are dealing with children, who by very definition are still learning how to be human beings, which means they will make mistakes.  And when they make those mistakes, humiliating them in front of millions of people (or even your closest 200 friends) might not be the best approach, nor will it be very effective in teaching the lesson you would like them to learn.  The “lesson” or consequence should be immediate, should fit the action or behavior, and should directly relate to what you’d like them to learn.

If my son didn’t show the appropriate amount of gratitude, I would first ask myself, “Did I explain to him what my expectations were about showing gratitude when receiving a gift?”  If I didn’t, then we go back and review those – you can’t blame a kid who doesn’t know the parameters.  If I did make my expectations clear, I would remind him of my expectations, ask him to think about the amount of gratitude he showed when receiving the gift, and then ask him what he thinks we should do to fix the situation.  We might verbally apologize, send a hand-written thank-you note to the gift-giver, or even plan a volunteer experience with people who are less fortunate so we might learn a little bit about giving and receiving, wanting and needing, and all of the emotions involved (and how they are communicated).

You don’t get respect unless you give it.  Our children, who are still learning, and who will make mistakes, deserve our respect, not our ridicule.

disrespect