Tag Archives: Mental health

Our Story

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Every family with autism has a “story” — not really about them, but about how they came to know about autism, and the battles they have fought, sometimes with insurance companies, sometimes with money, and always with their own emotions.  … Continue reading →

Forgiveness

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I'm okay, you're... well, maybe not

I’m okay, you’re… well, maybe not (Photo credit: pdxjmorris)

Therapists are big on forgiveness, aren’t they?  The books I read post-divorce include forgiveness as a necessary step to healing.  In my own case, it’s been hard.

I had so much anger before, during, and after the divorce.  I placed all of the blame on the ex’s shoulders.  I had so many stories to tell, and people listening would shake their heads, amazed that I had put up with it for so long.  The day after my divorce was final, I remember sharing the news at work, and having others look at me funny because I wasn’t supposed to be so happy.

I reveled in my singlemomdom.  There was so much freedom.  Take a weekend trip with The Boy?  Why, I could, couldn’t I?  Buy a duvet cover with flowers on it?  Yes, please.  Fall asleep in a quiet house?  Heaven.  I also reveled in my anger and my indignation.  The ex was clearly the spawn of Satan, and I had been a saint to last as long as I had.

As time passed, and upon more reflection, I began to realize my part in the downfall of our marriage.  I realized that I had stopped communicating, that I had belittled him, that I had not been strong enough to fight him more on the big issues.  And that maybe he wasn’t the spawn of Satan.  Maybe.

Four years later, I am to the lovely point at which I am mostly indifferent.  The thought of this person that I was married to for ten years rarely even crosses my mind, if at all.  If it does, the thought is apathetic, with no real malice or anger.  He can live his life as he pleases, and it has nothing to do with me.

Except when it does.  When our little link is affected.  When his actions hurt our little boy, I get angry, I blame, I shake with emotion.  And this is why I am not, and don’t think I will ever be to the point of forgiveness.  Lots of moms have this fierce emotion, this snarling-mama-bear-oh-no-you-di’nt reaction, that I think is even ferocious in those of us with kids with special needs.  Because in many cases, our kids can’t express or process their emotions as well as the rest of us.  Because our kids already go through enough. Because we go through enough.  ENOUGH.

I can forgive strangers, because you can dismiss strangers as not knowing any better, being ignorant, or hateful, or stupid. But the ex is not a stranger, and he cannot be written off as ignorant.

It’s really hard to forgive someone who should be protecting his son as fiercely as I am.

And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it.

And I’m OK with that.

Sunday Shout-Out: Creativity Explored

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The Man and I took an incredible trip to San Francisco in 2010.  We spent a week, and on our ramble to the Mission District, we stopped in to take a peek at the Creativity Explored studio and gallery.  For the life of me, I cannot remember how I had heard about this place, but it was, for me, the highlight of the trip.

Creativity Explored is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that provides space, materials, as well as access to mentor artists for adults with developmental disabilities who enjoy expression through making art.  The organization also organizes exhibits and maintains an online shop through which the artists can sell their work, providing income, and an opportunity for self advocacy.

creativity explored

creativity explored (Photo credit: veritatem)

At first, The Man and I looked around the gallery, finding several pieces we wanted to take home.  The person behind the desk asked if we wanted to go in the studio.  We looked at each other and said, “Yes!  Is it open to the public?” He assured us it was, and we went through the entryway into the studio.  There were about 15 adults working on various projects, some with mentor artists at their side, some without.  We wandered through the workspace trying to peek at the works in progress without being too intrusive.  Some of the artists were talking or singing to themselves.  Some were oblivious to our presence, others were wary, and still others waved and welcomed us.  One artist in particular, Peter, greeted us warmly and enthusiastically, giving us a tour of the studio, and lead us to the kiln, telling us all about the firing process, and showing us his just-fired work.  He was very proud, and very happy to have an audience.

We left Creativity Explored, shortly after, realizing we had spent over an hour there.  We were both pretty quiet for awhile, and then remarked to each other what an amazing experience that had been.  And the art!  The art gave me such a new perspective, because these artists were clearly communicating their lives and experiences through this medium, which gave them so much more power to “speak” for themselves.

If you are ever in San Francisco, you must stop in.  It was life changing for me, leading me to earn a Graduate Certificate in Nonprofit Management last year — I was so inspired by this organization doing so much good for adults with developmental disabilities  It has become a new dream for me to be involved with an organization like this.

If you aren’t going to San Francisco anytime soon, please visit the website, buy something, make a donation.  They are doing amazing work, and the artists themselves will blow you away.  (You can look up Peter Cordova, too, and check out his work!)