Blindsided

Posted on August 4, 2012 by simpleijustdo

Dentist (Photo credit: Joel Price)

I have gotten pretty good at predicting what will trigger a meltdown, and at analyzing what, in fact, actually did cause a meltdown. There are times, like today, when I have no flippin’ clue what the hell happened.

I made a dentist appointment for The Boy. I prepped him for weeks, and even made an appointment for me right before his, that was supposed to be quick, the way they made it sound. I cannot make appointments during school or ESY, because if he misses school, I hear about it for years. That’s not an exaggeration. He must not miss school. And I had tried twice to make this appointment before I was actually able to make it, due to the wonky office schedule.

We arrived, everything was OK. I had my consult, and then my cleaning, which took about an hour. During this time, The Boy was a little nervous, but OK because they let him wander around and be comfortable, which I really appreciate. And then, near the end of my appointment, he just freaked. Something to do with the clock striking three, and we had been there for “hours”, and couldn’t we make time go backwards? Inconsolable crying, tears, sobbing. And it just wouldn’t stop – he was out of reach. We had to reschedule his appointment for a much more inconvenient time, right at back-to-school time. Ugh.

Is an hour a long time? I suppose, but he is usually pretty good about this kind of thing. Should we have done his appointment first? Probably not, because the freak out would have happened whilst I was in the chair being scraped and polished within an inch of my life, and then what? And why all the references to time?? Here’s a theory: I think sometimes he convinces himself of things that will happen and deadlines that will be met (in this case, we would be done by 2:45pm), and with that lack of “theory of mind,” he thinks everyone knows his thoughts. And we don’t. And when things don’t happen the way he has envisioned, and the deadlines are not met, his world falls apart a bit.

But I can’t predict that, and I can’t prepare for that. So sometimes I get blindsided.

An hour later, and he is finally calming down, but resolved to find a remote control that can make appointments go quicker, and can make time go backwards. You and me both, kid. You and me both.

Eager to Please

Posted on July 27, 2012 by simpleijustdo

We were having a rough week. We were on vacation, which The Boy can handle for only so long. He longs for school, and structure, and his own familiar surroundings. He gets cranky, irritable, and sometimes downright incorrigible. This was … Continue reading →

In the Thick of It

Posted on July 23, 2012 by simpleijustdo

It is hard to describe what I feel as a parent in the thick of one of my son’s meltdowns, but it is a dark place. Helplessness, hopelessness, fear, guilt, anger, and embarrassment. Not a good mix. I am writing this post to share with you, because it helps me to express these feelings and talk honestly about them, and it may help you to realize that you are not alone when a meltdown hits.

Last year, one of my students invited me to her community play, and when I am personally invited to events like this, I remember how much courage it took to invite an adult, how much it means to them, and I make every effort to go. Afterwards, this is what I wrote in my journal:

“Tonight, I paid almost $30 for The Boy and I to see a community play that I had been invited to by one of my students. The Boy has grown so much over the years in terms of his ability to behave well in these situations, that I didn’t have a second thought about it. And then the autism snuck up on me. Us. He began kicking the seat in front of us. Lightly, but I’m sure enough for the woman to feel it. Then the shoes came off, and then the hat started to fly. Not sure if there was an intermission or not, I made the decision to take him out. Easier said than done. It’s to the point that I cannot pick him up and carry him out. So he flopped. And I struggled to pick him up and leave. For what seemed like 2 hours, while the actors are trying to continue over The Boy’s full-throated screams and protests. I got him to a stage door, and a woman came over to deliver the hat and my purse which I had thrown aside to get my hands on him. An usher came over to let us know there was an exit door behind us (gee-thanks). I got him calmed enough to stand up and go through one set of doors. And then I realized we were missing his shoe. So we went out into the lobby, with me huffing and puffing like I’d just run a marathon. I asked an usher if she would retrieve his shoe after explaining the situation, which she did. And then we left.

I cried. Both of us screamed at each other. His allowance was revoked, and his bedtime backed up by a half hour, and objects were thrown in the car. Once home, he was ordered to go to bed, and refused. So I retreated to my bedroom and locked the door. He says he wants to live with his dad, and he is very afraid that I am going to tattle on him to his teacher, afraid that he will not be able to go on the field trip to Bounce House on Friday.”

It is a painful memory for me, because I handled it poorly from beginning to end. I didn’t give a thought to where our seats were, because I assumed he would be OK, which was my first mistake. (Actually, my first mistake was considering whether or not he wanted to go, and not considering leaving him home if that wasn’t the case!) I still debate about whether or not I should have taken the stand on the shoes being off. I think the fact that the people sitting next to us were older, and were already giving us looks when that debate came up influenced my decision, and it shouldn’t have. And I handled the consequences, the aftermath very poorly. But…

I am one person. I am not perfect. Stuff happens. All I can hope is that we learned something from it, and that these meltdowns are few and far between (which luckily, has been the case — I know others are not so lucky).

Care to share your worst meltdown story?

Forethought

Posted on July 15, 2012 by simpleijustdo

Merriam-Webster defines forethought as: “1 : a thinking or planning out in advance 2 : consideration for the future”.

One of my favorite things to do is plan. Ask my boyfriend, Mr. We-don’t-need-a-reservation. I plan events at work, thinking through every detail about traffic flow, announcements, seating arrangements, and clean-up. And I love to plan vacations, although I now have to reign it in a bit, coming up with “possibilities” for us to do (and calendaring them all, just so we know where and when we could do them. If we wanted…).

It doesn’t ALWAYS work out so well, though. I’ve tried that plan for housecleaning, (you know the one) that entails doing a different chore everyday for a month. I like it in principal, but in my house, with one person doing all the cleaning… Let’s just say it got as far as the calendar, and then it was toast.

And what happens when the plan doesn’t work, or you just can’t get to it ahead of time? Consider being on the other end. How many times have I been in a staff meeting, or watched some new program being implemented, and thought, “Well, that could have gone better with a little forethought!” I’ve also been able to look back after a major meltdown and realize that it was ALL MY FAULT, because I didn’t think about what would happen if I forgot the wipes, if the ex bailed on his kid again, or if I got stuck at work .

I’m pointing my finger at myself as I write this: MAYBE, if I don’t have time to put forethought into it, MAYBE I shouldn’t do it. Maybe I need to create some time in my schedule to think about stuff before it happens, so I can envision all outcomes, and be better prepared. And if I can’t find time to do that, maybe I’m too busy, and some things on my agenda need to be delegated, shelved, or deleted.

I know I need to do this more. I know that my son and I can preempt some meltdowns this way.

How about you?