If you recall, I recently ordered Earn It, Learn It by Alisa Weinstein. It’s an introduction to her Earn My Keep program, which is a re-thought allowance program that may just teach kids more about money and the real world … Continue reading
It is much easier with two. Two people who can give each other a break from time to time. The Man will often take The Boy to the park on a whim, or just for a ride in his truck (often ending with a trip to DQ). I can’t tell you how much I love that, and appreciate him and am AMAZED at just having someone like him to do that. The three of us are together only about every six weeks, and it’s not perfect all the time (what blended family is? For that matter, what typical family is?), but I appreciate it all the more because of the time when it is just we two, and I. am. it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love spending alone time with my son. There aren’t words to describe the bond we have, and we are silly together and go on adventures together… We are lucky to like each other a great deal. He is a fantastic kid, smart as a whip with an amazing sense of humor, an uncanny memory, and so many special talents.
But we have some dark times, too. We have some days where a cloud hangs over him and just won’t let go. We have days when I can do nothing right (in his eyes and/or my own), and it seems like tears are flowing from dawn until dusk. My hair has been pulled, I have been punched, bitten, and kicked. I have lost it myself, at the end of my rope, not having any inkling of what to do besides curl up and cry.
(Photo credit: mikebaird)
Having two of us to tag-team, as it were, prevents many (not all) of those dark times from getting that far. If one of us is getting overwhelmed and irritated, the other will do something about it. And THIS is how adult relationships survive around autism (and really in any family). Brace yourself, because I’m going to say something controversial: Kids should not come first above all else. That relationship between the adults is paramount, because if that falters, the support for the family disappears. This is especially hard for us special needs parents to understand because our kids need us so much more than typical kids. But then, our partners need us so much more than typical partners do, too, right? Raising a special needs kid is hard. We must take care of ourselves, and we must take care of our partners. We must nurture the “us”. If we make that a priority, we and our partners can take care of everybody else. Together.
Thoughts?
I have an angry ex. He’s not angry about anything in particular, it’s just part of his personality. And this is also one of the reasons he is now an ex. We do not have the hunky-dory “co-parenting” relationship that … Continue reading
Babysitting (Photo credit: Daquella manera)
Today, our babysitter picked up The Boy and took him for the day, leaving me with a whole chunk of Me-Time.
There are plenty of single moms out there who will tell you that they feel guilty leaving their kids with a babysitter so that they can pursue selfish interests. I would not be one of those single moms. I also don’t feel guilty being a working mom, because being a career woman is part of my identity. If I stay too long at home, I go stir-crazy, and so does The Boy. To him, there IS such a thing as too much vacation (this is where I think he’s a little nuts, but different strokes, right?).
Me-Time is essential to me, for my sanity. You may think I am using that term loosely, but if you have a kid with special needs, you know that your brain works similarly to that of a battle medic – always alert for a major disaster, and ready to solve problems at a moment’s notice. Me-Time is a break from that, and it is blissful. It recharges me, and helps me come back to my child, appreciating him for the amazing kid that he is.
In my Singlemomdom, I am an only child, meaning I do not have siblings ready and willing to provide free babysitting. And my parents live 900 miles away. Therefore, I rely heavily on babysitters. This is not a foolproof system, and there are times when I just can’t do what I’d need or like to do. I have had to take days off of work, often at inopportune times, but that’s just part of it. There isn’t any more I can do about it, so stressing about it isn’t going to help anyone.
But how do I find Fantastic Babysitters? It isn’t easy, and I will give you my disclaimer now that, as a teacher, I kind of have an advantage. I have a bevy of former students whom I know I can trust with my only offspring. But not even this has always worked out well.
I found our best and most fantastic babysitter on Craigslist (remember when I told you about Craigslist??). It was shortly after the divorce was final, and I realized that I would need someone pretty regularly, as my job requires me to attend several evening functions every month. I looked on Craigslist, and narrowed my choices down to three. I contacted them, asked for resumes and references, and scheduled interviews. I found excellent questions to ask online, and also asked about their experiences with kids with special needs. From those interviews, it was a no-brainer which one I would hire, and four years later, she is like one of the family.
There are other resources out there as well, if you just aren’t in a financial place to be able to afford babysitters. Think about swapping time with a friend who has kids, or contacting your local National Honor Society chapter to see if any of their members need service hours. College students may also need service hours, or observation hours if they are entering the education or child development fields. If you have kids who have special needs, contact some of your local special needs groups to see if they offer respite care, or know of any organizations that do.
I think we single moms can fall easily into the martyr role, and truthfully, some of us revel in that. I work hard, and truthfully, I’m a better mom because I’ve had to do it on my own, but I am also a better mom because I take time for myself. I have not put my interests and hobbies on the back burner until my son turns 18. Maybe that’s because unlike moms of neurotypical kids, I may not have an empty nest at that point, and my nest may never be empty, but that’s for another post. I still need to be me, and I still need alone time to pursue those interests. If I don’t I will grow to resent this precious boy of mine. It helps to have a Fantastic Babysitter, so if you don’t have one yet, go get one! You won’t know what you ever did without him/her!!
Simple. I Just Do. 