The Next Thing

Posted on November 5, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Home To Thanksgiving, Currier and Ives

The ex has bagged out on Thanksgiving with The Boy, unless I consented to have his parents pick The Boy up the weekend before Thanksgiving, and have him miss three days of school. My response to that was, “That’s not a good idea,” and so, no visitation until who knows when.

The common sense thing for the ex to do, now that we live even further apart, would be to save up a little money so he could come down for a weekend, stay at a hotel and see his son. But that will never happen. He doesn’t save money, and when he does, he spends it on himself. He probably resents The Boy for the child support coming out of his check, and reasons that that’s enough money to be spending on him, and he shouldn’t have to spend any more just to see him.

If you’re keeping track, The Boy hasn’t seen his dad since April, and the phone calls have become less and less frequent. They are about once a month, now. He was excited about going to see his dad’s kitties for Thanksgiving, and even though I tell him every time it comes up not to get his hopes up, and that it might not happen, he still talks about it as if it is a certainty.

Yesterday, I purposely brought it up because we need to get him from this place of certainty that it will happen to a place of certainty that it won’t happen with as little stress, trauma, and disappointment as possible, not an easy feat. I said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to stick around here for Thanksgiving, and celebrate with me and our family?”

“What?!”

I repeated myself.

“Well, I still might go to my dad’s,” he said.

“And you might not,” I said.

“We’ll see,” he said, and then, “Let’s find out for sure.”

I told him I would ask his dad, knowing full well that I wouldn’t because I already know it won’t happen. So now it is my unhappy job to figure out when to break the news, and possibly come up with some distraction to soften the blow.

This is one of the most unfair parts of the job. I know no one ever said life would be fair, but this right here? This sucks.

There’s This Mom

Posted on November 4, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve joined an autism society group in our community, and made quick friends of the few that are the do-ers (every group has a few people who do everything, while the majority… well, don’t). Recently we had a “support group” meeting, which has been more like a friendly get-together at someone’s house, and we also set up a group Halloween event so the kids could trick or treat in a friendly neighborhood.

These were the first encounters I had with one particular mom, who has a teenage daughter on the spectrum. The daughter is incredibly sweet, but is overly demonstrative, which can make people uncomfortable. Her mom reminded her that shaking hands is more appropriate than hugging people when you first meet them, but she continued to hug everyone, multiple times. No big deal here, and it cam off as rather sweet.

Mom, however, also veered into inappropriateness at the meeting, describing her daughter’s voice as screeching and unbearable, and voicing many times how she would just like to get away from her. Now these are things we all may have thought at one point to ourselves, but not voiced aloud. In any case, I worried for her while she rubbed others the wrong way that evening.

Key, zebble

On Halloween night, things took a turn for the worse. The daughter attempted to hug every person who gave her candy that evening, leaving the dads from the group (who had volunteered to take all of the kids out) at a loss for what to do, surreptitiously calling and texting their wives for advice. The mom who had stayed behind with the other moms was oblivious, I think. A group of kids (her daughter included) returned to hang out inside the house, while the moms continued to hang out on the porch, chatting and passing out candy. While the daughter continued her inappropriate displays of affection, now centered on an 8th grade boy on the spectrum inside the house, the mom continued to make her bizarre and inappropriate statements on the porch. At one point, the daughter went to change clothes, but found the car locked. She called to her mom that the car was locked, and her mom yelled back for her to “come get the damn keys.”

The mom who was hosting us that night took note of that exchange, and also took note of the PDA happening in the house, because the 8th grader happened to be her son, and finally pulled the mom into the kitchen to discuss the behaviors we had all witnessed. I’m not sure what happened in its entirety, but I know she did it with tact and care. I believe the mom and the daughter left shortly after that.

Here’s where I get uncomfortable. I completely support the hosting mom’s actions. To ignore the behaviors would not help anyone. And I firmly believe she did it in the right way. But this mom clearly needs help and support, for her daughter’s sake if not for her own. A mom voicing thoughts like that is very near a breaking point, I believe, and maybe it’s not within the realm of this group to help someone that has reached that point. But maybe it is. Maybe we do a disservice to her and those like her by being so informal in our approach, by assuming friendship with everyone. We shouldn’t have to like her to help her.

What do you think?

An Extended Weekend, a Great Day

Posted on October 14, 2013 by simpleijustdo

The Boy doesn’t have school today, so we are hoping to go see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 later. And that also means I don’t have much of a post today. But I want to take a moment to express how lucky I am, because Saturday was my birthday, and as usual, The Man and The Boy made it special:

They always get me a cake, they always get me a card, and they always light the candles and sing to me. And thanks to Grammy for taking The Boy out to get a gift for me. This is what family is about. 🙂

Be back tomorrow!

Cheers!

~ Annie

Blended Boys

Posted on September 27, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Blending families is an ongoing journey, even when you only have one school-age child. Differences in parenting styles become apparent fairly quickly, and when your child has special needs, it can be even more challenging. We have been lucky — The Man and I dated long-distance for several years, which gave us an opportunity to glimpse each other’s parenting styles and transition to a blended parenting style over time. To say that it’s a finished product would not be right – it continues to evolve, but it’s functioning, and a positive thing for The Boy to have two parents in our home.

The Man continues to learn about The Boy and his challenges. It can be unfortunate sometimes to have a disorder like autism, because it isn’t oustwardly visible, and people who don’t know will judge, while even people who do know will forget, myself included. Not forget that he has autism, but forget The Boy’s struggles and needs, even if momentarily. This happens with The Man from time to time, but we continue to communicate and progress on our journey.

The Man is a natural-born dad — he doesn’t know it, but sometimes I almost burst into happy tears at his small gestures towards The Boy. He doesn’t even realize that he is doing things for The Boy that have never been done for him before. And I have found that the one best thing for their growing relationship has been to force them together without me for awhile. I have had to leave for work for a few hours on each weekend, and they have gotten to hang out a lot more this month. And you know what? We’ve had fewer meltdowns from everyone involved.

Yesterday, The Man pulled into the yard, home from work, and immediately grabbed our knock-around bike from the shed to go join The Boy who was riding around the neighborhood with some other kids. And I watched, with those happy-tears in my eyes.

5 Tips to Being the Best Mom Ever

Posted on September 25, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I don’t claim to be the best mom ever, but I did have the best mom ever, so I have some familiarity with the subject. This list is from the perspective of a mom of a tween, so bear that in mind. I still think it applies at many levels of development (both yours and his):

Never stop showing them how much you love them. I’m lucky that The Boy still allows me to hug him, kiss his face, and cuddle him from time to time. He even holds my hand sometimes! I tell him I love him when I wake him up, when I say goodnight, and any other time I feel like it. To me, it never loses its meaning.
Try to remember what it’s like. The Boy is in middle school, and unfortunately, I remember middle school. No one wants to re-live it because it’s not a fun time for anyone. When I can remember this, I am much more compassionate towards him.
Put down the phone. Step away from the TV. I still struggle with this, and truthfully, he does, too. But we have so much more fun, and make so many more memories when we spend time together, often outside, doing stuff. And that’s what builds relationships.
Make him a priority. Notice I didn’t say the highest priority. But moms need to be involved and know what’s going on in a child’s life. If you don’t know every teacher’s name, and who he gets along with best, you’re behind. You don’t need to be a nuisance (like I am becoming, albeit for very good reasons), but you need to show through your actions that you are present, to both your child, and the school. Education works so much better that way. Trust me.
Try not to take it personally. When he gets snippy or disrespectful, doesn’t want to hold your hand, or seems aloof, it isn’t you. He’s figuring it all out, so give him the space to do so, while realizing that every kid does this. He still loves you, and may even like you 😉 Conversely, when his behavior needs to be corrected, take the personal out of it. Pretend you are the teacher (you know — the one that can’t scream back at a kid or curse) calmly trying to teach him a lesson about life… Because that’s exactly what you are.

As I said, I don’t claim to be the best mom ever, but I’m the best one The Boy’s ever had 😉 I’ve seen a lot of good moms during my time in the classroom, and I had the best mom ever growing up. The biggest thing to remember is this:

No one is the best every day. Just keep trying.

Your kids will love you for it.

Mama Bear, You’re Not Always Right

Posted on September 18, 2013 by simpleijustdo

I’ve had my share of trials over the past week or so. Not more stress than I can handle, but more stress dealing with The Boy’s schooling than I’ve had to deal with since he was in preschool. I’m not sure I handled every day and every communication in the best way possible, but I try to remain respectful, even when I am pretty sure the person with whom I’m conversing wouldn’t know an autistic trait if it hit them in the face. I don’t mind being the pain-in-the-ass mom who emails daily, because I wouldn’t have to if my son had more verbal communication skills, but he doesn’t. And if school personnel are not going to offer information, I obviously have to ask for it, respectfully.

I posted the other day on my personal facebook page: “Seriously. Between dealing with the ex and (The Boy’s) school this week, my big-ass Mama Bear is showing – watch out!!” In my world, “Mama Bear” is this walking-a-fine-line-between-angry-and-composed-mother side of me that rises up, out of protection of The Boy when someone or something is repeatedly threatening his happiness and well-being.

Mama Bear does not come out when someone looks at me funny.

Mama Bear does not come out when the teacher “forgets” to tell me that The Boy left his classroom without permission twice in one day.

Mama Bear does not come out when the ex forgets to call, again.

Because I am not Mama Bear. And Mama Bear is less effective if it is the face you wear with the people you deal with on a daily basis. If you ARE Mama Bear, you are being written off as crazy, I guarantee it. “That crazy mom emailed me again, today…” “Crazy Mom is in the main office, watch out!” “Take everything That Crazy Mom says with a grain of salt…”

I follow another autism mom blogger’s facebook page, and she posted about her son’s first day riding the bus today. A little later, there had apparently been a snafu, because her son had been found “wandering the halls”. She said she was livid, and the great majority of the commenters were calling “Off with their heads!” I would never take a situation like this lightly, but I put in my two cents, calling for calm, pointing out that everyone makes mistakes, and got called out for my response by another commenter: “Things should NEVER go wrong with our children.”

Listen, people will make mistakes with our kids. I make mistakes with my kid! That’s how I learn, that’s how he learns. Yes, it’s scary when a little one is wandering the halls of school, not knowing where to go because someone screwed up the procedure for drop-off. And a phone call and/or even a meeting would be in order here to straighten out the situation ASAP. But do you think that little one might be less scared in a similar situation later on because it has already happened to him and everything turned out OK? If this happened two or three times, why yes, I would be livid. But living your life in a constant mode of battle-readiness, expecting perfection from school staff, and wearing that Mama Bear mask whenever you come across someone who looks at you the wrong way is no way to live, and it’s not a good model for our kids.

Progress That Doesn’t Look Like Progress

Posted on June 11, 2013 by simpleijustdo

Wow, what a mess we have here. Four days left until we pick up the truck and begin to vacate this house! And the place is a wreck – no visible counter space, the contents of our medicine cabinet on the floor in the living room, boxes obscuring every view in the house… But I’m keeping my panic at bay, because as a special needs mom, I know that progress doesn’t always look like progress!

The Boy is holding up well, being a real trooper. I have shared our “moving book” with him, and he seems to be doing pretty well, even with the house in so much upheaval, even with the end of the school year upon us. Today we talked about the lady with the son who also loves Cars who will be coming to pick up his Cars bed this week, and he was OK. We talked about how he could sleep on his mattress on the floor until we head south, and he was accepting and conversational… he was fine!

My parents have been here for four days already, helping me in numerous ways, as they always do when life throws me big change. And together, we’re chipping away at what needs to be done.

So, while I can’t exactly walk across the floor without impediment, and while I’m sleeping on a crash pad in the basement, and even though there is much yet to be done, we’re making progress. And that’s more than OK!

Why I Chose to Date as a Single Mom

Posted on June 3, 2013 by simpleijustdo

“Don’t let your struggle be your identity.”

Yes, I actively pursued dating after divorce, as a single mom, as a special needs parent. Yes, I did. Some moms in similar situation choose not to, choosing instead to, “wait until their children are grown,” or maybe even give up the idea of ever being with someone again. “The kids come first,” they often say. And I don’t disagree. Not every child, nor even every special needs child is like mine. Some have more intense needs, and I am not judging anyone who has made this decision for themselves, because I can’t know your personal situation – only you do.

I love being a mom, and that is an integral part of my identity. I would never give it up, I would never trade that for anything in the world. But it isn’t all of me. I am much more complex. I have my own desires, needs, dreams, foibles, interests, and personality quirks. I have my own life. Being a mom to a special needs child is part of it, but it isn’t it.

We only have one life. I want to live with as little regret as possible, which means doing the best I can, while stretching my personal limits a bit, growing, and learning all the time. Having a non-existent social life would be a huge source of regret for me.

Also, I want my child to understand that I was put on this planet to be his mom, but also to be a lot of other things, just as he was put on this planet to be my son, and also a lot of other things. He has autism, but he has a lot of other really cool stuff that make up his identity.

“Don’t let your struggle be your identity.”

That is what I wish for him, and I hope I am modeling that for him by living my life to the fullest.

PS ~ I couldn’t find an attribution for the quote – if anyone knows, please mention in the comments!

You Are Not a Failure

Posted on June 1, 2013 by simpleijustdo

A mom posted on Single mothers who have children with autism’s facebook page about feeling like a failure because her son was being pulled from mainstreamed classes, and placed into a special education classroom. My heart breaks when I read things like that.

I think every Special Needs Parent has those moments, hours, days, weeks, or even years, when we feel like we are the biggest failures on the planet, and we feel that pain so much more deeply because we know how much our kids need us not to fail. But. We can not allow ourselves to feel that way for too long, for that very same reason – our kids need us to pick ourselves up and keep rolling that rock up the mountain. It’s OK to fall, to stumble, to crawl into bed and lock the door once in awhile (assuming everyone else is relatively safe). But we can’t stay there, and we definitely can’t get into the habit of pointing fingers at ourselves too often.

Maybe it would help to remember those naysayers we have all encountered. The ignorant, mean-spirited people we have come across. And then in our weakest moments, imagine what kind of a job they would do in our place. You see, no one is perfect, and none of us were prepared for this job. And there was certainly no manual. But we are some of the quickest studies on the planet. We can read our children’s faces down to the slightest waggle of an eyebrow, and be able to interpret emotion from it. We can come up with backup plans on the fly, salvage nasty situations, and calm our children when no one else can. In the eyes of our children, we are MOM (or DAD), the one and only. Learning from mistakes is part of the game. It’s not learning from them that is a failure.

Be nice to yourself, parents. Try not to beat yourself up too bad. It’s a waste of energy, and you’ve got too much other stuff to do!