Strategy for Meltdown Recovery (For Mom!)

Posted on February 8, 2013 by simpleijustdo

In the immediate aftermath of a “rough morning” (which usually includes some lost thing, screaming, blaming, slammed doors, etc…) I am shaken. Someone will say “Good Morning!” and I can barely respond. I will often cry in the car on the way to work, not for a specific hurt, but because it is a release from the anxiety and tension that were at sky-high levels only moments ago.

Usually, a rough morning means a crappy day, because I am distracted and upset, which leads to less focus on work, which leads to less work getting done, and so on…

But today, I made a split second decision that helped me recover. I decided to take the surface streets to work instead of the express way, and I decided to stop at a convenience store that I know carries my favorite sweet tea. I picked up my tea and some peanut butter crackers, and happily munched and drank on my way to work. By the time I got there, I was MUCH better off than I usually am on a rough morning. I won’t always have the time to do this, because rough mornings often lead to being late to work, but I have found a coping strategy that works, and it makes me happy.

Feelings… Nothing More than Feelings

Posted on October 25, 2012 by simpleijustdo

You know what I don’t understand? When people say things like,

“Don’t worry about it!”, or “Don’t feel guilty, sad, angry, etc.”

Newsflash: We cannot control what we feel. And you cannot change your emotions.

For instance, when we have a rough morning, and something has triggered anxiety in The Boy to the level that he is refusing to leave the house, I get angry. I am not angry with The Boy, and as long as I don’t aim my anger at him, it is perfectly OK for me to feel that way. I am angry because I fear I will not get to work on time, and I fear he will have a rough day at school. Reasonable, given the circumstances.

For instance, when I feel guilty that The Boy has no pets, but clearly has a love for animals, it’s OK for me to feel that way. I can’t control it. I feel guilty because I fear that I am not providing him with opportunities to develop his interest in animals. As long as the guilt doesn’t overpower me, as long as I use it to spur thought about how I could help him more in this area, the guilt I feel is OK, and can even be a positive force.

The challenge is having the self-awareness to understand the basis of the emotion: where is it coming from? Can I do anything about that right now?

The other challenge in my life experience is to make sure that my emotions are not escalating The Boy’s emotions. If he is anxious, and I am angry (and I express that anger), he will only get more anxious. Therefore I need to (quickly) figure out my own emotions, so that I can avoid negatively affecting him.

Rather than telling somebody, “Don’t feel that way!”, try expressing your own emotions. “It makes me sad when you feel sad,” is a much more open, accepting, and constructive way to show how much you care about the other person, and sounds much less flippant and judgmental than “Don’t worry about it!” or “Don’t feel sad.”

Doctor Visit

Posted on August 15, 2012 by simpleijustdo

After our less-than-successful dentist visit last week, The Boy and I both had anxiety over today’s doctor appointment. The obsession with being done by a certain time popped up again, and I had to explain in detail three times that we would likely not be done by 3:46PM, as there was a lot of waiting involved with a doctor appointment. Each time, he seemed even more anxious. I was expecting to be there for at least an hour and a half, maybe longer, and I was envisioning another meltdown.

We went a bit early because we missed our appointment last summer. I called to tell them I would be 10 maybe 15 minutes late, and whoever I spoke to on the phone was pretty pedantic with me, repeatedly telling me how important it was to be on time, and that they would have to reschedule our appointment. I was furious. Today, I was not going to take the chance of being a minute late, so we arrived about 20 minutes early.

Ideally, you shouldn’t do this, as this is more time for anxiety to fester, but I kept him busy with games of slappy, a new app on my phone, and plenty of cuddles (which must look pretty weird to others, this tall, lanky boy on my lap, but I really don’t give a flying fig – whatever it takes to dispel my son’s anxiety is what I will do).

Wonder of wonders, they were on time. Took us right in, and the nurse who did the prelim stuff was a PRO. She made a game out of everything, and The Boy was having fun. At the doctor’s.

The doctor came in, and she was quick and efficient, answering my questions, and allaying his fears all at once. And when she was done, The Boy said anxiously, “What time is it?” I looked at my phone, and it was 3:34PM! We zipped out of there, sucker in hand, and were home by 3:44PM.

We even discussed how our next two visits would include “pokes”, his biggest fear when going to the doctor. By the end of the conversation, he was telling me the reasons why “getting pokes” was important, and how brave he would be.

They were such pros. HE was such a pro. And I am very, very happy.

(Photo attribution: By Bart Everson (Flickr: Doctor’s Office) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons)