Proud

Posted on June 11, 2015 by simpleijustdo

The Man and The Boy are a sight to behold.

When we end up going somewhere in two vehicles (which happens more than I’d like, but what can I do), The Boy will always choose to ride with The Man in his truck. They talk about vehicles, and The Man makes the stupidest, corniest jokes that only 13 year-old-boys might find funny, and they crack each other up.

They don’t wrestle as much as they used to, because The Boy is quite simply too tall, and they could injure each other easily. But they are quite comfortable with each other, and it makes me smile.

The Man has learned a lot, especially in the last two years. He questioned much more at first, but now he seems to get it. He still gets annoyed, as I do, after listening to forty-five minutes of descriptions of the dome light of every known make and model of car. But he doesn’t lose his patience. He seems much more ready to understand that a meltdown is not misbehavior.

As I write this, I am looking out our back doors, watching The Man teaching The Boy how to drive the lawn mower, while sitting up on the back of the seat because The Boy can no longer fit on his lap.

And earlier, I watched him tear up at a news story about a special needs family fighting to get treatment for their daughter. I know his perspective has changed, and I know now we are an “us”.

I am so happy for The Boy, so happy for us. And so proud of The Man.

Summer Break Doesn’t Mean Vacation at Dad’s

Posted on June 10, 2015 by simpleijustdo

Friday, The Boy came home telling everyone he was going to miss school Monday because he was going to visit his dad. There were shared looks all around, between us adults in The Boy’s life, because we wondered where this was coming from, and how best to let him know that this was not happening.

I took the lead and explained that no, he was going to his last half-day of school on Monday, and then Grammy was taking him to lunch. If he wanted to call his dad to discuss a summer trip up to his place, he could do so, but as of right now we have no plans.

This took a few repetitions from all of us. Then he decided that Grammy would take him to Myrtle Beach on Tuesday… Wha?? Again, we explained that a trip like that takes some planning and no little amount of money.

“How much?” he asked.

“At least $200,” The Man replied.

“I’ll have to find a way to make some money…” The Boy said.

He wants to be on the road again…

We’re still not sure if it was conversations with other kids at school who were either going on vacation, or visiting their own dads in other places, or something else entirely that triggered this fantasy-plan. It may just have been the strong association he has that summer break equals a trip to dad’s, even though it didn’t happen at all last year.

He’s reluctant to call him, at any rate. And I doubt any plan would come to fruition, anyway. The ex has been more and more absentee the past few years, and I don’t see that trend changing as The Boy gets older, and possibly harder to relate to. I suspect the ex is dealing with his own unemployment and demons right now, anyway, if the absence of child support means anything.

Monday came, and a meltdown ensued at school, which necessitated a pickup by Grammy, and a very rocky afternoon when the Boy realized he was done for the year and couldn’t go back. Eventually, an ice cream sandwich and a trip to McDonald’s for lunch helped him turn the corner. Was it the bus being late to pick him up that morning? Was it the fact that many of his friends were not there that day? Or was it the fact that his plans were not turning out like he’d hoped, and he finally understood that he was not going to his dad’s? I’ll never know.

Usually these fantasies indicate something he really wants to do, but this one is just not in my power. Hopefully, we’ll be able to talk him through and out of this idea into what our real summer plans include. I hope it’s enough for him.

The Times, They Are A-changin’

Posted on May 12, 2015 by simpleijustdo

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how the pilot program that we fought to get The Boy into will not be extended into the high school. And tomorrow, I meet with the IEP team to discuss the plans for next year, after hearing through the grapevine that the pilot program in the middle school is being stripped down, as well. Hence, the fabulous “opportunity” to place The Boy into a resource room for all of his cores! Blech. Do they really think I’m that dumb? But I digress…

Our fear is that without the pilot program extending into the high school, the district will most likely re-assign The Boy back to his home school… Do you remember his home school? I do. It wasn’t a good experience. And if that middle school that he attended for one quarter was any indication, I doubt the high school he would attend would be remotely better.

The Man and I have been in deep discussion and thought ever since these changes became apparent. We’ve been considering options for the future of our little family. And we’ve been property-shopping.

Even before this all came about, The Man and I were keeping our eyes peeled for an affordable bit of property on which he could build us a house. Not hire a builder to build us a house. This would be The Man, building us a house, with the help of some of his friends in the trades. You see, this has been a dream of his for awhile.

So when our hand was forced, and the school district seemed likely to change The Boy’s placement for the worse, The Man and I decided that now was the time to go all in, buy a plot of land, and start building on that end of the district so that, at the very least, The Boy could attend high school with people he knows.

We closed on our lot today.

More change is coming our way, as building a new house means selling our current house, and living somewhere else temporarily until the new house is built. A lot for a kiddo on the spectrum. But I’ve already started prepping him. And he is actually looking forward to being able to sleep in later and a much shorter bus ride. 🙂

Acceptance

Posted on April 16, 2015 by simpleijustdo

Sometimes, I look back on my time being a single mom rather fondly. Doing it on my own was something I needed at the time. In many ways it was very liberating, and I bonded with The Boy in a way I never could have as a married parent. And then I remember how lonely it was, as well, when I thought it would always be just the two of us. When there was no one looking out for me besides myself, money was tight, and I had to fill every adult role. Being ill was completely out of the question because there was no one to take care of either of us.

And then I remember even further back when I was married the first time, and one of my friends tells a story about a time soon after The Boy was born when I was so ill that I called her to take me to the hospital. She tells the story because I have absolutely no memory of it (funny how the brain works). Yes, I was married at the time, and when my friend tells the story, she says that when she arrived to pick me up, she watched the ex step over me, lying prone on the floor, on his way out to his grown-man basketball league. I guess I was dehydrated, for which I have gone to the emergency room a couple of times in my life, and apparently he had no inclination to take me to the hospital himself, regardless of the fact that I was very visibly ill, and we had an infant at home.

Some single moms get very vocal and agitated when married moms say they feel like single moms. I’ve been in both positions and try not to judge. Life as a single mom can be very, very difficult, and life as a married mom can be very, very difficult, as well. Both positions can also be incredibly rewarding and satisfying. And unless you are living someone’s life 24 hours a day, you really have no idea of another person’s challenges.

I find the same type of vocalizing and agitation in the autism community on various topics, and judgement all around. Words like “aspie” and “high functioning” can cause full-throated arguments, as can person-first language, vaccines, Autism Speaks, and even the varying parts of the spectrum and who has it “harder”.

I don’t often swear in my writing, but I call bullshit.

Everyone, EVERYONE on this planet has their own struggles, some more visible than others. Everyone also has their own opinions. And there is very little in this world that is truly black and white, right and wrong. Our diversity and duality make us human, and dare I say, interesting. We don’t have to agree to like each other, learn from each other, or coexist. We don’t have to compete for whose life is the hardest – there is no trophy. But I have learned that experience is the best teacher, and if we can be civil to each other long enough to listen to one anothers’ experiences, there is a lot to learn about our kiddos, ourselves, and these interesting people with whom we share this space on Earth.

I’m Struggling with Time

Posted on March 19, 2015 by simpleijustdo

The Boy and I have been here for almost two years – I can’t believe it. It seems like only yesterday we were packing up the rental truck, and tossing the huge TV to the curb in preparation for our big move. And I’ve been at my job almost a year and half, too. That I can believe, but that’s a post for another day…

I’m still adjusting. And the biggest adjustment in all of our life changes has been time. I have a constant feeling like I do not have enough time to get anything done that I need or want to get done. Something is always slipping through the cracks. It is true that I simply work longer hours. But this is misleading. Of course my school day was shorter than my current work day, but I was often in after school meetings, doing concerts, grading homework, and doing other school-related things well into the evening. I don’t often have evening obligations now. So while I technically work longer hours, I don’t think this is a big part of the issue.

Another part of it is having a husband to spend time with. Before we moved down, I spent time with The Boy, but I had alone time, too. I don’t get as much of that now, and nor would I want to be alone that much now that I am married. I enjoy spending time with my hubby! That does mean less time for solitary activities, though. And if I have a choice to spend time with The Man or do things like the laundry, The Man wins every time – that’s a no-brainer. But when it comes to reading or writing… well, it gets a little tougher.

I think the final piece of the puzzle is drive time. It takes forever to drive five miles, and most destinations are a half hour away. I leave work at 5, and pick up The Boy at Grammy’s, but we are often not home before 6. Most of that is wait time for The Boy who needs multiple timers to get him to leave, but it is also drivers who like to go 10-20 miles under the speed limit, and a default speed limit of 35 on two lane roads. The grocery store takes 20-30 minutes to get to on a Monday evening… and so on. Up north, when I picked The Boy up at 5, we could often get to the grocery store, do all of our shopping and still be home before 6. It’s a big change.

I miss my idle hours

During the summer I go to work earlier, and therefore leave earlier, so I think it’s a little easier to budget my time during the day. It is our busiest, most stressful season at work, but I also get a little down time to myself before the evening begins. Everything is a balancing act, and although slight changes may make things easier, time will always be a struggle. At least spring is here, which means more sunshine and warm weather – they make everything a little easier. 🙂

Benefits of Being Married to an Older Man

Posted on March 3, 2015 by simpleijustdo

The Man turns another year older today. Last week, he commented, “I’ll be able to collect social security in another 4 years, and you have to wait another 20 plus!” I almost threw the pillow at him. But this is a rare occurrence when our age difference really comes up. OK, it also comes up when we tend to settle on the 70s XM radio station in the car… but besides that. 😉

We’re almost two years married, and past five years together, and the age difference just hasn’t been a big deal like he thought it might be in the beginning. Sure it’s irritating when he gets mistaken for my dad, but I think it’s happened maybe three times in those five years. Like I told him, that won’t happen for too much longer, because men like him seem to stay the same age, almost impossible for a woman.

Mine is young at heart. He doesn’t act his age, by any means, and anyone who knows him will attest to that. And although his body has begun to give inklings of not being what it once was (i.e. after a day of hard, laborious work, he may complain that he isn’t 25 anymore… Nope, you’re not even 52 anymore!), he still runs around with the neighborhood kids, still has wrestling matches on the futon cushion with The Boy, and still surfs for hours on end in the summer. We just hiked the dunes at the state park this morning!

Mine knows himself quite well. He knows how stubborn and pig-headed he can be, and is quick to apologize for it. He knows his “triggers” and can give me a heads up if the kitchen counter is getting too cluttered for him before it becomes an issue. He can read me like a book, too, and knows before I even say anything that I’m upset. Having experience in relationships can be a good thing, if he’s learned his lessons well.

Mine is responsible. I don’t need to worry about him going off half-cocked on someone because he’s angry. I don’t need to worry about bills going unpaid, or cars being repossessed. I know that when he tells me something, it’s the truth. I know that for the first time in a long time, he feels responsible for me and The Boy, too, and that he enjoys that responsibility.

Mine likes to teach me things. It can be irritating, living with someone who is almost always right. But he is, and that just leads me to trust his judgement. He also likes to teach me stuff, and I like to learn, so it’s a win-win.

Mine is experienced. My mom reads this blog, so I won’t go into this too much, but trust me. It’s worth considering an older man just for that. Yes, indeed.

Mine knows how rarely you get a second chance. He’s careful with me because he knows how wrong it can get. He knows how lucky we are to have found each other and to be such a good fit. When you spend a long time being alone, you don’t say things that can’t be unsaid, and you don’t do things that can’t be undone. You cherish the ones you love.

He makes me a better person, and I can only hope I have the same effect on him. There were so many reasons it shouldn’t work between us, with the difference in our ages being one that seemed a big deal five years ago. But we were younger and less experienced then. We’re older and wiser now. 😉 Happy Birthday to my one and only Man!

The Man, The Teacher

Posted on February 19, 2015 by simpleijustdo

Can I just start this post off by saying I know how incredibly lucky The Boy and I are? I know there’s a lot of single mamas out there with kiddos with special needs, and I know that loneliness, and that feeling of hopelessness that you may never find someone to share your joys and burdens. I write this post in gratitude that life, circumstance, karma, or whatever or whoever you may think had a hand in it, helped us get to be this blended family of three.

The Man is a natural teacher and kid magnet. Whenever we go to the beach, he picks out a couple of kids who show even the slightest interest in his surfboard, puts them on, gives them a few pointers and lets them fly. And after about 10 minutes, a whole beach-full of kids wants a turn. Our little neighbor often comes over to see if The Boy wants to play, and just as often ends up “helping” The Man with his projects around the house, wearing his tool belt, and learning how to use a power screwdriver, under the closest of supervision, of course.

He shows me how to do stuff all the time. I put windows into our trailer flip all by myself, you know, and I didn’t know how to do that before I met The Man.

He was the one to teach The Boy to ride his bike. He taught him how to pee while keeping his trousers up. He’s taught him how to surf and mow the lawn. The other night, The Man had brought home some m&ms for The Boy and had told him he could have them when he was done practicing the tuba. But when The Boy and I ended the practice session, I was frustrated. He is so freakin’ smart that he thinks it’s funny to play it incorrectly and doesn’t know when to stop joking around and get work done. This is something we’re working on, and this lesson just didn’t go right. I was tired of everything and decided to go to bed early. The Boy quickly grabbed the m&ms and headed to his room. In his mind, he was done practicing which meant he could have them, while The Man and I both agreed that you only get rewards when you do things the right way. I gave up and headed to bed, very aggravated and unwilling to fight anymore. The Man stepped in and I could hear him speaking to The Boy through the bedroom door. He came to bed and said he had explained that we needed to save the m&ms for when he actually got the work done on the tuba, and asked him to think about it, and also suggested that when he returned the m&ms to the fridge, he needed to come and tell me he had done so.

I was so impressed. The Man had calmly explained the reasoning and left it in The Boy’s hands to do the right thing.

Not five minutes had gone by when we heard a knock on the bedroom door. The Boy entered to tell me he had returned the m&ms, and I assured him he could earn them the next night by completing our work on the tuba. He wasn’t happy about it, but he wasn’t melting, either, and he had made the right choice, guided by The Man’s words.

This is something that would not have occurred if his dad had been around. This is something that would not have occurred if I was still doing it all on my own. This occurred because The Man is a good teacher, and a good parent. I am grateful.

CHIP: It needs to be on your radar

Posted on February 5, 2015 by simpleijustdo

CHIP stands for Child Health Insurance Program and is a federal program administered by each state, and funded by both federal and state governments. Sometimes it goes by a different name, but essentially it is for children in families who don’t qualify for Medicaid, but still are low income enough to struggle paying for health insurance for their child. It came into existence before the ACA was passed, but it continues to exist because it is a widely popular program that provides a needed service to many, many families.

Through the ACA, the terms of CHIP eligibility were extended through 2019, but the funding was not. Funding expires for the current incarnation of CHIP through this September.

Here’s why it matters. If funding is not extended, many, many children will lose their healthcare. The Boy included.

The other night, I happened to click on an article on Facebook, that happened to include the information above, and left me upset and worried. Why hadn’t I heard anything about this? Shouldn’t this be national news? What the hell is going on?

I did a little more research, and found that it will most likely receive extended funding, but no one knows for how long. The problem is that some want it replaced with plans offered by the health exchanges. I can tell you that this would place healthcare on the other side of affordable for our family, because our state neither expanded medicaid, nor started their own exchange. As a result, there is one company providing healthcare plans in the my state (through the federal exchange), and therefore they can set whatever rates they want – there is no competition, which was the whole point of the ACA. The ACA is perverted here, and therefore, we are not being served the way we should be by this law.

There are many people who think families should have a choice between an ACA plan and CHIP, and there are others who think having CHIP and the ACA separate is just fine. Needless to say, there will probably be a great deal of debate on September 30th of this year.

I wonder if we will hear anything about it?

I wonder if it will be used as a bargaining chip (no pun intended) for something else?

I wonder, and I worry. CHIP gives me piece of mind about my son’s healthcare, and I would really prefer to have an educated public and a compassionate legislative body making decisions about its future.

Sex Ed for Sale

Posted on January 7, 2015 by simpleijustdo

Before break, 7th graders at The Boy’s school had a week-long sex ed program. A couple of days in advance, an opt-out form was sent home that also explained where materials could be viewed (in the library, something like the following day in the middle of the day – very realistic for working parents, but I digress). I have never opted out of these programs for The Boy in the past because I feel it’s important, and I want him to have access to the same curriculum as his peers.

About the second day of the week, I noticed that the “workbook” for the program was in The Boy’s backpack and thought I would sit down and see what was in it.

The first page I had a problem with claimed that condoms were ineffective against STDs, and that only abstinence would ensure that you would not get an STD. Half right, in my estimation. I went to the CDC website to fact-check the information on the page, and actually found that this workbook page contained some inaccurate statements.

Concerned, I continued to read the workbook. And then I came to this page:

Ah, boys are logical and girls are sensitive. Boys deal in facts, and girls deal in feelings. All couched in “sometimes” and “generally” which are the equivalent to “no offense but…”.

Nope. Not acceptable. Not even “generally”. And then, I found this:

Check out Attitude #6. Because if you don’t want to get married, there’s something wrong with you.

What in the world is this crap they are teaching the 7th graders in my county? I googled the name of the group that put the curriculum together. It’s actually a women’s pregnancy clinic that maintains an anti-abortion stance, and sells this curriculum to school districts. A pregnancy clinic that doesn’t even know the facts about STDs and condoms.

I emailed the principal, knowing that this curriculum was probably selected by a committee, and was approved and paid for by the school board. I asked her who I might contact with concerns about the program. She took several days to email back, and even then only said that one of the counselors would be contacting me about my concern.

At least a week and a half went by before a school counselor called me and referred me to… drumroll, please… the pregnancy clinic that published the curriculum.

That would be like referring a library patron with concerns about pornography in the library to Larry Flynt.

I will be pursuing this with central office. I will attend board meetings if I have to. This curriculum is insanely out of date, and presents opinion as fact, which is a very slippery slope. I just wish I had had better access to this in advance, and I wish the school had handled my concerns more appropriately. I’m extremely disappointed with their response.

An Open Letter to the Ex

Posted on December 23, 2014 by simpleijustdo

Our son is thirteen now. I wonder if you are shocked by how much he has grown every time you see him. The last time it had been over a year. This time, eight months. I know he’s grown because I have to buy him new pants for every band concert. The size 18’s from last spring were way too short last week so we bought some 29/30’s. I wonder if headlines with autism catch your eye, or if you’ve ever read anything about it. I wonder if you remember anything from the year and a half between the diagnosis and when you left. I wonder how you spend time with him when he’s with you – do you try to connect or do you just coexist? Feeling a little schadenfreude as I hope you experience some of the pubescent rage we have witnessed this fall. But not too much because I wonder if you could handle it, and know I’d rather not find out. In a few years we will have been divorced longer than we were married and the boy will have lived longer without you than with you. That should scare the bejesus out of you, but it doesn’t seem to even register on your radar. Shocking to realize his speech teacher at his school last year who saw him once a week spent more time with him than you have in the last year, and knows him infinitely more than you do.

I wonder a lot, but it isn’t my place to know. That’s between you and him. The question I will never get an answer to is how. How do you live without him?

So I shake my head, sigh, give him to you for Christmas and cross my fingers. This never gets easier.