The Classification of “Meltdown”

Posted on by

5

Rainbow pencil

Rainbow pencil (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

There is clearly a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown.  Tantrums are thrown for effect, while meltdowns are thrown because the ability to communicate something has evaporated, and tolerance levels have been exceeded in some way.  But I have noticed my own language lately, in describing behaviors as a “meltdown”, when they aren’t really.  With The Boy, I tend to classify all of the behaviors leading up to a meltdown as “having a meltdown”, so that others who do not have living-with experience with autism will understand.  Many, many times, we are able to avert the big blowout.  In fact, they have been fairly rare, at least in public.  But the behaviors beforehand are no picnic either, and require me to be firing on all engines, brain clicking along, coming up with solutions, ideas, and decisions at lightning speed, much like a battlefield medic.  It’s really a crisis for both of us.

Wouldn’t it be great if there was some universal way of describing this “ramping up” of anxiety pre-meltdown?  Wouldn’t it be great if that became part of the autism awareness and acceptance vernacular?  Like one of those smiley face charts at the doctor’s office that they use to help you decide how much pain you are in, so that you can describe it to them accurately?

“Boss, I’m going to be a few minutes late to work, we are at a level orange on the meltdown scale right now, and hope to have the situation back down to a yellow shortly.”

“Honey, I think we need to find our way to an exit.  This looks like a green heading into yellow territory.”

“Hello, Mrs. Vandenberg, I just wanted to let you know that we had a pretty rough morning, and got up to hot pink because his favorite shirt wasn’t out of the dryer in time for school.”

Of course, the application would probably vary from person to person, but it would provide a little more information than just, “he’s having a meltdown”.

What’s your opinion?  Let us know in the comments

Eye Contact – Not His, Mine

Posted on by

0

English: 0I’ve noticed that on bad mornings, or during and after a public meltdown, that I avoid eye contact with pretty much everyone I come into contact with.  Some would say that reaction is a clear indication of embarrassment, I guess, but it isn’t — I’m not at all embarrassed by my son and his autism.  That’s who he is, and it isn’t going to change.  It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, because we can’t control it, we can only manage it to the best of our ability.  And sometimes that’s not enough to avoid disrupting our lives and those around us.

I think this natural reaction of mine is so that I can avoid reading other people’s emotions about it.  Whether they are anxious, judgmental, sympathetic, or they pity us, I don’t really want to know.  I don’t have time to care about their feelings about the situation.  I have to make sure The Boy is OK, and then keep it together until I can process my own feelings in a private environment, so that I can go about my day and do what needs to get done.  I don’t want to have to deal with them, too.

Maybe that seems harsh, but it’s a method of survival and coping that has developed naturally.  I can’t take care of everybody else.  My son and my owns self are my first priorities.

Teacher Appreciation

Posted on by

1

If you weren’t aware, this week is teacher appreciation week.  And I have a few things to say about teachers – a few blog posts-worth.  I’ll start with this…

My HomeworkTeachers work hard.  I know because I am one.  I also know because I watch others do it, and because I know my own son.  I remember my friends as students from my own time in school, and I have been immersed in the culture of education for the past 33 years.  I have also come to realize that teaching is one of the most difficult gigs out there.  I have only recently learned this from speaking to colleagues who have worked in other sectors before teaching (and some after teaching, as well).  And I can tell you that it has only gotten harder as the years have gone by.

Teachers, lately, have started verbalizing how difficult the job is, primarily because the demands have increased while the rewards have decreased.  And there has been considerable backlash.  No one goes into teaching because they get summers off (because we don’t, really) and will make loads of money, but neither should teachers qualify for public assistance, yet they do.  Neither should they have their names printed in the local paper, labeled “ineffective” based on their students’ test scores, yet they do.  Teachers are sometimes expected to produce miracles, and when they don’t they are vilified.

I consider myself a good teacher, and I don’t think it’s conceited to say so.  One knows when one is good at one’s job.  Notice I didn’t say “great”.  But over my career, I have been called a racist, a “favoritist”, I have had countless parents berate me over the phone, swear at me, and question me on why I didn’t let her daughter fill out her birthday invitations in class, or why I was upset that their son threw pencils at my office door.

Those aren’t typical days, but increasingly I am incredulous at  the things we deal with, from all sides.  It’s a really hard job.  And parents who really know their children usually get it.  It’s too bad so many don’t have a clue who their own children are (“My son doesn’t lie!”).

So take a moment this week, and think about the people who have taught you, and the people who are teaching the children of today.  Send them good thoughts and/or prayers that they will continue to have the strength to do the job they do, because that’s what they really need, so much more than the trinkets from the dollar store, and the cookies.  They need your support in the classroom, in the community, and at the polls.  They sacrifice so much and work so hard for our kids, and will never be appreciated enough for doing so.

Smiling & Winning

Posted on by

0

TulipsThe gods are smiling, and I am getting a much needed break today.  Fabulous Babysitter has taken over for me, and I get to go to a 12 hour crop, which I probably haven’t done in a whole year.  So no working, no packing and sorting, and no worrying about triggers and meltdowns for me, today.  Just 12 full hours to look back on happy memories, to be creative, to do a little shopping, eating, and more than a little kibitzing with friends.

I hope you get to take a moment for yourself today.  I think Spring is finally here, and there’s just something so hopeful and ready about May.

Cheers,

Annie

PS Rather than choose one winner from our two entries in the book contest, I’ve decided to give them both a copy! So Meg and Holly, contact me with your email addresses, and I will get your ebooks to you ASAP!  Congrats!

This Right Here…

Posted on by

0

THIS, is why I love The Man.

cardIn between my IEP meeting this morning, and the could-be-stormy doctor’s appointment this afternoon, I was kicking butt and taking names.  I took a moment to bring in the mail, and saw a card addressed to me in The Man’s scrawl.  I can’t help but grin like a goof when he sends me something out of the blue like this.  And he does this from time to time, as well as leaves me goofy or heartfelt voice mail messages… One time, he drew our initials and a heart on the mirror in the steam from my shower.  This card contained a message from him that was sweet and told me exactly what I needed to hear.  He’s a secret romantic, and I can’t help but love him for it.

Happy weekend, folks! <3

IEPs, and Moving Trucks, and Appointments, Oh My!

Posted on by

0

Tomorrow, The Boy’s IEP team meets.  I am extremely lucky to have teachers that get him, and fight for what he truly needs, and a school system that allows us to make the best decisions for him that are not based on the almighty dollar.  I know many districts are not like that (ahem… some rather intimately…), and I know this isn’t the typical IEP experience.  I’m a little nervous about this being the last IEP meeting where I do not have to fight tooth and nail for my son.

kid to do list, list, Be happy and go home

kid to do list, Carissa GoodNCrazy

I also have to make arrangements and get things done — no rest for the wicked on this day.  Securing a rental truck for our big move, speaking to our wedding officiant, doing paperwork for The Boy’s summer day camp… The list goes on and on.

And finally, thanks to our super-accomodating pediatric office (*sarcasm*), I have to pull The Boy out of school at the end of the day, causing him to have to miss Kids Club for his physical appointment.  We’ve prepped him (both at home and at school – I LOVE his teacher!), and he should be OK, but you just never know.  I’ve built in a few treats after the appointment (a trip to Target, and dinner at his favorite restaurant) so that he has “good stuff” to look forward to and get him through.

And so… When I am busy like this, it’s easy to get overwhelmed, but I’m actually doing OK.  I enjoy having a list of things to do, and especially relish the crossing-off of the things on the to-do list.  I feel like every “check!” is bringing us closer to family, summer, and the beginning of something beautiful.

Nothing’s Impossible

Posted on by

2

The Single Mothers who have Children with Autism facebook page recently posted a reminder that taking a break from your routine and taking care of yourself is important.  Yet many commenters responded bitterly that it just wasn’t possible, and people who say that mean well, but that’s the last thing single moms need to hear.

I disagree.

Nothing's Impossible

Nothing’s Impossible

People, if something isn’t going right in your life, you have to make the change happen.  Do you think a respite fairy is going to land on your head and grant you three Friday evenings to yourself?  I have no nuclear family in the area, yet I am able to take an evening off every once in awhile.  Granted, I make a decent wage, and I get that it can be extremely hard financially – money was extremely tight after my divorce, because I was digging myself out of debt.  I know that feeling.  But there are ways, and you have to find them!  Insisting that it’s impossible and defeating yourself before you even start will turn you bitter, and as a result, everyone around you, including your children will suffer.  I know people like this.  Their negativity is like a virus.  And when they don’t take time for themselves, they are more apt to run out of patience and snap at their kids, become exhausted and ill, and it spirals downward from there.

Some ideas:

  • A break from routine is not necessarily a break from your child(ren).  I know routines are the safety zone for kids with autism, but I have written before about how amazing it was to stop and get myself a sweet tea after a meltdown-y morning – it was FANTASTIC, and it had a lasting effect.  Something small like that is a great way to start treating yourself kindly.  Lord knows our kids won’t always show us the same kindness!
  • I am lucky that my child enjoys latchkey – it is relatively inexpensive through the school, and gives me a much needed break from ALL kids after work, because he doesn’t like to be picked up until 5pm.  I don’t pay any extra for keeping him there until 5pm, and it is an excellent opportunity to unwind a bit before the evening routine begins.
  • Groups like The ARC often have respite grants for members, and membership dues are often inexpensive or even free.  This is a GREAT resource that is oftentimes underutilized, which means you have a great chance of getting some money to help defray the cost of even a family member providing some babysitting for you.
  • Have a friend with a special needs child?  Share the babysitting costs, OR offer to watch the kids for an hour, if she’ll take them next time.
  • Feel like your calendar is too full to take a moment for yourself?  Pencil yourself in.  You need to be a priority in your own life.  There’s no excuse for that.
  • Can’t find quality help?  Ask at your school – sometimes the parapros (or aides) need some extra cash, and already have a relationship with your child.  Maybe your local high school has some National Honor Society students interested in becoming special education teachers (and they probably need service hours and would do it for free).
  • Sometimes just having an extra pair of eyes in the house while you do chores (or sleep!) can be a weight off your shoulders.  Again – get a high school student to come in and be your eyes and ears (or entertainment for the kiddos) while you get stuff done.  The more time they spend with your kids, the more they will learn about what to do – special needs babysitters in training!
  • Bartering is getting big.  Is there something you could do for someone in return for them watching your kiddos for a bit?  Bake some banana bread?  Fix a networking glitch?  Give someone swimming lessons?

If none of these ideas will work for you, I feel for you.  I completely understand that some children’s needs are severe, meaning breaks a just going to be harder to come by.  But you can’t stop trying.  You have to find a way.  We special needs parents are in extreme danger of burnout and battle fatigue, and the very reasons many moms and dads say they “just can’t take a break” are the same exact reasons they must.  Our children need us at our best, so we can handle the worst for a long time to come.

Pranks and Autism

Posted on by

0

PranksThe Boy has had an increased interest in pranks lately, and has even gone so far as to persuade Grammy to purchase the old snakes-in-the-peanut-brittle prank from a joke shop for him.  She did, and brought it with her when they came to visit, and it was a big hit, at least with The Boy.  The rest of us quickly tired of trying to smush the “snakes” back in the can.  After a day or two, the novelty wore off a bit, and we were off the hook.

At school, The Boy chose a different prank.  An old-school prank that could actually hurt people: the old tack-on-the-teacher’s-chair prank.  And in a roundabout fashion, his ASD teacher discovered that The Boy was the culprit.

She handled it magnificently, understanding that at the root of this was his autistic self not understanding that the prank can be funny in cartoons, but could actually hurt people, and is so not cool or funny.  They discussed it, she told him she would keep his secret, and resolved to keep an eye on him, hoping that the talk did the trick.

And then he was caught being sneaky again.

He wasn’t doing the prank again, but he asked to get a drink and she followed him.  And he made several stops in vacant classrooms and hallways where he should not have been.  And he got busted.  He was unhappy, but she told him that she couldn’t trust him at his word anymore.  He values his independence so keenly, but that was what had to be taken away because of his actions.  They developed a plan to earn it back, and he will have to have supervision at the beginning of this week when he leaves the room, then the supervision will be gradually lessened until he earns his independence back at the end of the week, IF he has complied with the terms of the agreement: going only where he’s supposed to, no pranks, no sneaking, no meltdowns about the rules.

He’s learning – this is foreign territory and I am so thankful that he has a teacher that gets that this is an autism/social cue thing rather than a disciplinary issue.

All that’s left is encouragement that he can do this, he can earn his independence back, and hope that he learns from this experience!

Financial Guide for Single Mothers: A Review

Posted on by

5

Probably because I have posted a few times in the past about finances and divorce and all that seemingly intimidating but important stuff we ladies need to know, I was approached by Amit Eshet.  He has written a short ebook entitled Financial Guide for Single Mothers, and asked me to review it.  So in full disclosure, I did receive a free copy of his book to review.  But I got an extra for one lucky reader, too.  Read on…

Financial Guide For Single MothersAmit’s guide is only 44 pages, and is completely affordable at $2.99 on Amazon.  The book contains nine short chapters on topics ranging from scholarships and grants to how to deal with your bank and credit card companies.  I found his writing style engaging and informative and the information relatively easy to understand and follow.  I encountered some new resources and things I hadn’t considered as I read, which I think anyone who has to learn the hard way about finances as I did will inevitably learn in guides like this.  It is certainly not all encompassing – I don’t think anyone would expect that from a short ebook, but the tone is encouraging, and I think would be especially inspiring to any newly single mom.

I think the chapter on Money and Emotions is particularly relevant.  I can remember being in a gifted class in elementary school where one of our projects entailed watching TV commercials and understanding which type of pitch they were using to get us to buy things we didn’t need.  What valuable information to know as a consumer, and so many people have no clue that they are succumbing to marketing and emotions!

I also enjoyed the tips in the chapter about teaching your children about finances.  They were very specific and tailored to age levels, and included activities to get your kids thinking about how to be smart with money.

I think Mr. Eshet has a concise guide to inspire newly single moms to not be afraid of finances, and to investigate more about how to handle their money so that they can take advantage of what’s out there, and be smart about companies trying to take advantage of them.

And now for the contest!  Leave a comment about money: why it scares you, something you’ve learned about it, anything!  I will pick one commenter at random to win a copy of the Financial Guide for Single Mothers.  Comments must be submitted by Friday, May 3rd at midnight.

Good luck!

Spring

Posted on by

0

WaitingWe are sitting on the front steps.  He is folded over so his upper body is in my lap, his head facing east, eagerly anticipating his first glimpse of her.  I am folded over him, arms around him, my baseball cap brim shielding his eyes from the sun, my head resting on his shoulder.  We are waiting for the ice cream lady for the first time since last summer.  We can feel the warmth from the sun on our backs, and it is one of those moments you wish you could bottle up and re-live again and again in the future.